Sometimes, It'S The MusicAs I continue on my journey, I am becoming more circumspect. I think most here would recognize this situation as somewhat cyclical. At least, that's what I see from a lot of the stories posted and that rings quite true for me.
The cyclical nature is frustrating as hell, as you can resolve to change (regardless of what that entails for you personally) and then have your best laid plans toppled by a deft move to the left by your spouse.
If you've ever seen "The Hunt for Red October", I have started thinking about it as a "Crazy Ivan". It seems that while content to keep the status quo, my wife pulls a Crazy Ivan every now and then to make sure I'm still following her. She changes her modus operandi or takes notice of signals I might be giving off (which is quite unusual).
I'm sure this make reading some of these stories excruciating for those farther along the path to freedom.
In any event, sometimes the only thing that can jar me from my compliance with this circular jaunt around the actual issue is music.
Does this happen to you?
Certain songs can almost command a listener to really take stock of their life, their love and their direction. In fact, listening to music, for me, is nearly a metaphor for living my life in a sexless marriage. Often I enjoy the beat and the tune for its own sake. I will even get a smile out of it and feel contentment. Then when I listen to the lyrics and what the song is really saying, I get past the superficial and realize that I don't embody what the song is all about. I can fake it, but I can't lose myself in the music any longer. Very much like the false life I try to enjoy. I'd go crazy if I got up every day spitting nickels about the lack of intimacy I face. I have to take little victories when my kids do something amazing, when my wife is a great mom or when something unrelated to either of us makes the day a happy one.
Of course the underlying issue still remains.
Recently there was a post on EP asking for the best love song that didn't have the word love in it. Because I'm a competitive bastard, I racked my brain for an answer and came up with "Run To You" from The Bodyguard soundtrack. I wish I hadn't answered the question, because the song has been in my head for days, laughing at me.
Some of the really tough lyrics are below. If you have a similar song that jars you, I'd love for you to share it in a comment.
Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me
Oh what's the sense
Of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
I wanna run to you, I wanna run to you
Won't you hold me in your arms
and keep me safe from harm?
I wanna run to you but if I come to you
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away?
harveyspecter 41-45, M 10 Responses 4 Feb 20, 2013