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Sometimes, It'S The Music

As I continue on my journey, I am becoming more circumspect. I think most here would recognize this situation as somewhat cyclical. At least, that's what I see from a lot of the stories posted and that rings quite true for me.

The cyclical nature is frustrating as hell, as you can resolve to change (regardless of what that entails for you personally) and then have your best laid plans toppled by a deft move to the left by your spouse.

If you've ever seen "The Hunt for Red October", I have started thinking about it as a "Crazy Ivan". It seems that while content to keep the status quo, my wife pulls a Crazy Ivan every now and then to make sure I'm still following her. She changes her modus operandi or takes notice of signals I might be giving off (which is quite unusual).

I'm sure this make reading some of these stories excruciating for those farther along the path to freedom.

In any event, sometimes the only thing that can jar me from my compliance with this circular jaunt around the actual issue is music.

Does this happen to you?

Certain songs can almost command a listener to really take stock of their life, their love and their direction. In fact, listening to music, for me, is nearly a metaphor for living my life in a sexless marriage. Often I enjoy the beat and the tune for its own sake. I will even get a smile out of it and feel contentment. Then when I listen to the lyrics and what the song is really saying, I get past the superficial and realize that I don't embody what the song is all about. I can fake it, but I can't lose myself in the music any longer. Very much like the false life I try to enjoy. I'd go crazy if I got up every day spitting nickels about the lack of intimacy I face. I have to take little victories when my kids do something amazing, when my wife is a great mom or when something unrelated to either of us makes the day a happy one.

Of course the underlying issue still remains.

Recently there was a post on EP asking for the best love song that didn't have the word love in it. Because I'm a competitive bastard, I racked my brain for an answer and came up with "Run To You" from The Bodyguard soundtrack. I wish I hadn't answered the question, because the song has been in my head for days, laughing at me.

Some of the really tough lyrics are below. If you have a similar song that jars you, I'd love for you to share it in a comment.

Each day, each day I play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night I come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me
Oh what's the sense
Of trying hard to find your dreams
Without someone to share it with
Tell me what does it mean?
I wanna run to you, I wanna run to you
Won't you hold me in your arms
and keep me safe from harm?
I wanna run to you but if I come to you
Tell me, will you stay or will you run away?



harveyspecter harveyspecter 41-45, M 9 Responses Feb 20, 2013

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Yea, music can be tough. For me it was,

"you got me stealing your love away, cuz you never give it,
peeling the years away and we can't relive it"

Music is incredibly difficult for me. Songs can stir up my feelings like nothing else.

"Our song" has become very painful for me to hear and I'll switch the station ASAP if I hear it.

Some really rough ones for me are

"I can't make you love me" (the Bonnie Raitt version) can make me blink back tears no matter where I am.

"I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me"

"Grey street" by Dave Matthews Band
"
Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though its red blood bleeding from her now,
It felt like cold blue ice in her heart
And she feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She would change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
When all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart"

"One" by U2

"Did I ask too much? More than a lot
You gave me nothin' now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
Well we hurt each other then we do it again

You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law
You ask me to enter but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holdin' on to what you got
When all you got is hurt"

"Payphone" maroon 5

You can’t expect me to be fine
I don’t expect you to care
I know I said it before
But all of our bridges burned down

I’ve wasted my nights
You turned out the lights
Now I’m paralyzed
Still stuck in that time when we called it love
But even the sun sets in paradise...

I’m at a payphone trying to call home
All of my change, I spent on you
Where have the times gone?
Baby, it’s all wrong
Where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist
I would still be holding you like this
All those fairy tales are full of sh!t
One more f*cking love song, I’ll be sick

And one day recently my good friend sent me the song "pearl" by Katy Perry.

She was a hurricane
But now she's just a gust of wind
She used to set the sails of a thousand ships
Was a force to be reckoned with

She could be a Statue of Liberty
She could be a Joan of Arc
But he's scared of the light that's inside of her
So he keeps her in the dark

On very bad days maybe "shattered" by OAR.

Just off the top of my head!

Clearly music speaks to me on a regular basis. I'll worry if I begin to answer :)

Life is an unrelenting comedy

I'm presently listening to pop opera, Andrea Bocelli specifically and I have no idea if the word "love" is in the lyrics because he sings mostly in Italian. Still, the passion in his voice moves me in ways I can't describe. Often I cry...and some days I rejoice when I hear it, to think how it validates me that those kinds of feelings exist, even if not for me.

I think that "Crazy Ivan" manoeveur was actually to DETER another sub from shadowing.

None the less, you are likely quite right. Your missus probably DOES want you following, but at distance. Such distance nominated by her.

It is an ILIASM truism really. The refuser doesn't want you, but they DO want you around.

Tread your own path.

beyonce's "I care":

"....I told you how you hurt me baby
But you don't care
Now I'm crying & deserted baby
But you don't care
Ain't nobody tell me this is love
When you're immune to all my pain...."

Mary J. Blige, the chorus from "fade away":

"....sometimes I wish that I could stand here & fade away
So that no one could see the tears running down my face
Oh invisibility would be great
Couldn't look at myself in the mirror
Asking myself how dumb could you be?
Maybe everything would be much clearer
If no one else could see me..."

there's more but these two were up this morning.

Both are great choices. Don't the lyrics just cut you?

you bet. but for me, really feeling it with the music is therapeutic.

I can't listen to popular music for too long without blowing a gasket. Too many raw nerve endings over the course of living. I stick to baroque music with its intellectual and aesthetic clarity. It's an elevator out of the emotional basement.

when you tread your own path the Crazy Ivan is useless

love how you are able to relate to music...

Thank you. :)

I hate it when music laughs at me...,I can barely listen to the radio anymore..I'm scared to hear "Tainted Love"...

Everytime I hear Tainted Love I think of a scene from the movie "The Coneheads". Since I'm probably the only person that saw that movie, I doubt that happens a lot. The lyrics are pretty stinging though.