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Happy Trails...Somewhat

So,. spent the weekend travelling with kids, sans EX, to a city about 5 h drive away to visit new nephew & friends & family & see the sights.

And so I need to destress by posting about stress on here, of course...

Not gonna post a lot but here goes:

Trip was a great ego booster, and fun, and taught me how my life COULD be alone with the kids. The hardest part was when they missed home and daddy, because if I decide to move or even move across an ocean, they are gonna be missing home and daddy a whole lot more.

But leaving the house, I remembered again why I need him out. There's me - as usual - packing everyone's stuff (thank goodness not EX's anymore), planning everything (not because I want to but noone else will), etc.

EX comes inside and says "I put a full bottle of windshield fluid in the trunk for you".
Me: "thanks, but I just filled the windshield tank, plus there's a full bottle of fluid under the back seats, and I just took that extra bottle out so I'd have room to back".
Him: "FINE. NEVER MIND." Stomps out of house, slams door.

Like i need that when I'm trying to get going? Or ever? Can we not just discuss like grown adults? It's not a damn insult that I know what I'm doing, how about asking if I need windshield fluid, or even not getting insulted when I point out the duplication?

In the past I would have just covered up, praised him, said "it's ok, I'll take out the extra bottle, thank you so much". Now, I just don't care. Just stay the F out of my way, if you are not being helpful, don't get all butt-hurt because I don't bow down to your awesomeness.

Then we're driving and eldest child mentions that "daddy put $20 in my pocket for me to spend in city".... now, nice gesture right? Child has spending money? Fine. But it brought up a lot of sh*t for me (no, I did not make a deal of it in front of child, I let them spend that money).

C'mon, you refuse to plan for anything, you don't save anything for the children, you use me for my money all the time, I'm taking the kids for the weekend and paying for everything out of my own pocket, and you slip your kid a $20???

It really hit home that he really can't have cared too much. Where does he think I'm going to get enough money to take care of those kids? Let alone me. I keep reading stories about these wives that take their spouses to the cleaners, and all I can think now is, why didn't i get a course in that? I married for "love", but got taken for a ride. How come daddy is the "good guy" for slipping them a $20, while mommy drives 5 h each way, pays gas, hotel, food, entertainment, and it's daddy who knows how to score the points.

I begged him to start saving, to get RRSPs, to get health insurance. Ladies and gentlemen, I now know if they cannot see into the future far enough to envisage a day where they may be unable to look after their own offspring and help care for them, and put aside enough for that purpose, especially if they are ABLE to (I am not talking new immigrants or other extenuating circumstances), and they choose NOT to, that is NOT CARING WHAT HAPPENS.

F him is all I can say right now.

ETA: it's not like he can't find $$$ every month to buy sh*t from China to hoard in the basement... 
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger 36-40, F 7 Responses Feb 20, 2013

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I enjoyed your writing. You said it like is. The best of luck to you:)

**** I could have looked like the "good auntie" and stuffed carrot muffing in the kids pockets.
But we both know how that went!

LMAO ocean - you can be "auntie ocean" anytime, and I would think it so kind and generous - it was great visiting! but I expect MORE from their FATHER dammit...

I agree, he should have stuffed a $100 at least in your pocket or filled the tank with gas for you.
Made lunches to go, set up GPS, helped pack, load the car, check tire pressure, he could have done a bunch of little **** to make up for it.

Seems i'm not the only one going through this crap (yeah, 50 cent candy or cheap-a&& dollar store toys that break and I get to clean parts of them up 10 months later all over the house are the order of the day here too).... sorry for us all, but also kinda relieved others can relate!

Best of luck to us all ;)

Oh and the homework? Today I "made" my eldest do homework - they thought if they left their homework at school they wouldn't have to do it - I found some from last week they didn't do and made them do that. Much screaming and tantrums later, I get a "sorry I had a fuss mom, I'm glad you made me do my work".... *sigh* :)

You're a good mom.

Thanks hylie ;)
Esjey, no no no, they break immediately, I find the PARTS in hidden corners 10 months later... LOL... my youngest is in JK and the oldest grade 3, the novelty has worn off, but yeah, JK/SK homework is still "fun"! Enjoy ;)

Are you feeling better now? Got it out of your system for a while? I hope so.

You're sounding just like "Mrs Angry". Is it good? Is it satisfying? How long do you want to keep it going? How long do you need to keep it going? Do you think it might change you permanently? Do you think it would please him if he knew how much it was getting to you? (I think probably not, he just isn't that 'good').

You know, this will be his modus operandi once you are out of the door; buying love (at least from the kids). I watched my brother do it with his kids and there is absolutely nothing you will be able to do about it. So, every time he does it in the future are you going to figuratively bounce off the walls and the ceiling or are you going to find SOME way of accommodating it? Sure, having an emotional heave every so often is all very therapeutic but you need to find a balance with it via finding some inner sanctum. I hope you find yours soon.

yeah, you know what, this is my stress-reliever, my sounding board, on here.

why do you think you have any right whatsoever to call me on it? I don't blow up in "real life", but I do need to let these feelings out. I am human, and of course it's a dirty trick he's playing.

WTF are you trying to say here anyways?

Don't think he meant it that way, could be wrong.

I was being provocative in an attempt to encourage you to reflect on how you are being affected, especially possibly long-term. If you want to see it this way, he is playing his game and you are playing into his hands. The fact that you do not blow up in public and vent here instead does not mean that he or even just the situation is not having a corrosive effect on you. That is what I worry for about you, or for that matter, anyone in that sort of situation. I can empathize about it. It might even be better to judiciously blow up in public. Venting at the focus of the problem is sometimes more effective, more therapeutic. I don't like blowing up in public because it is ugly and embarrassing, but that is not to say that SOMETIMES it is appropriate.

We all assume or at least hope that if we can just remove ourselves from a corrosive situation then we will escape the effect. It's fair to take that point of view as a first step, but it is also valid to consider that we might just take that corrosiveness with us. I am sure that there are those who have made it to "the other side" who can recognise that.

I sense from this particular post that you are SUFFERING from that right now. You aren't venting in a reflective manner, you are right there in the moment, still living the experience, hours after the actual event. All I am trying to say is "Woah! Take a virtual step backwards, take a deep breath or two, take a look all around you. Take a good look at what your are trying to achieve. Do your utmost to not let him suck you in, to bring you down to his level of '****-uppedness'". Maybe I am wrong but I see signs in the runes.

Your soon to be ex is a sick man, in more ways than one. He has issues that would crush an elephant, never mind a mere human being. I think he is infecting you, wittingly or unwittingly. That is a potential tragedy.

I am not picking on you, I really, really, am not. What would the point be?

YOu are right, but offering no concrete solutions, so what is the point of pointing out how it is affecting me? All I see in your comment is "fix it!" but I cannot.

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Are we married to the same guy?! Always trying to undermine in a considerate fashion that makes sure he looks like an awesome Dad!!! But you know what ...kids know. They know that you are their hero planning ad making a life for them centered around them and not some useless hobby. Relax and enjoy them ad the trip. Have confidence in their love for you. No matter how much he may try he won't be able to take it away.

thanks earchres...

zsu: what esjey said.

plus.

my own daughter, several months ago, said something to me that sorta blew me away. "mommy--i like it that you're strict with me about my homework and stuff. i mean, i complain about it a lot & call you mean & stuff but...i like it that you make me do it and you help me with it and stuff. it's part of how i know how much you love me."

blew.me.away. she also commented how she knows daddy will let her get away with stuff, but he doesn't really help with her homework and stuff.

so. yeah. daddy might be fun-er. he might treat on stuff. but.

who takes care of them? really? you do. and that means more than we will ever know--at least until they're mature enough to verbalize it.

hang in there. you're doing fantastic.

To expand on what Smithy said, kids see through the crap people *think* they are using as a filter to hide stuff. My dad felt guilty for leaving us (at least I think he did, otherwise, why the behaviour?). And so he bought me things an eleven year-old didn't really need, excessive gifts. At one point, a few years later, I wrote him a letter to tell him that the only thing that mattered to me was to spend time with me and my sister. The gifts stopped, or at least the extravagant ones did. ((LOL! In hindsight, what was I thinking!?))

We didn't necessarily spend more time with him, but I think he got the message: actions speak louder than words, or gifts, or bribes, or whatever. I'm lucky. My parents were pretty decent about the divorce and never put us in the middle or gave us the impression that we had to choose sides.

Your kids will see through the antics of your STBX. Have faith in that. And it will come back to bite him the *** one day.

Agreed. Kids are way smarter than they credit for---I think they are usually a better judge of character than most adults.

It occurs to me I post this sh*t on HERE because I know there's absolutely no sense in trying to talk to HIM, we've been down this road for 10 years and I just want to keep it businesslike.

Oh, and for those asking: he's making big plans to move out, it looks like it's a go ... and he's agreed to see a lawyer to get custody/child support under way before he leaves or shortly after ... of course it's a huge step but no step at all until it's done, because who knows when he'll switch gears and get huffy about it, but so far... so good.

Now that my trips done, my next step is the lawyers, yes, I know, I have not heard back from the Family SErvices so I have to do something else...

You know, I think our mutual STBX's go through the world like this:
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_4YFhK87NXPE/TMHO0nh9GAI/AAAAAAAAEEg/rZYicPYdES4/s1600/Head-Up_Ass.png

lmao hylie

Yes. Everything has a beginning and an end. Its very easy to talk about some from the outside. Until that someone is going through the same. My kids are adults some of my nephews n nieces too. All I could say that kids cry out for structure and guide. Kids always pick sides. You are doing good. They know what's going on. One of my kids told me I know I always was.on dad's side even though I wanted to be with you. My dad wasn't as strong as you, I akways felt to be with the one that needed my help. My son was the one who always call mean things and his dad was the greatest. Now he has a kid and he wrote me a letter of apology and thanking me for the way I raised him. Stay strong. Kids are stronger then you think. They know us so well that they know who anf what they could getaway with. You are a mom and we always should trust and follow our gutt feelings. Bumpy road then it gets smooth. Bedt of luck to you. Keep venting here on ep. I enjoy readying and identifyn g with the stories.