I Live In a Sexless Marriage
Stats: 5 great years dating, and nearly 14 years married (10 of which were incredibly awesome, the last 4 … void of sexual intimacy and affection; dismal)
Things are nice enough at home. They aren’t desolate by most standards. I’m not in the despairing survivor mode I once experienced; onlookers would observe it as a good life. And, in some ways, I can agree with that. My wife and I get along well. When we talk, it is pleasant. She is a good friend. You’ve heard it before.
I’m just resigned to the fact that our best days are behind us. After gutting out the effort for 4 years, I recently gave up. And the sunroof of contentment is opening. I can assume that is merely due to the abandonment of effort and expectations, as it has to do with restoring my marriage. And, I still would love to have an exemplary marriage. But it is I, now, me, that no longer desires my wife.
She still has no inkling of putting out some physical love towards me, mind you. But if she did, and that is a monumental “IF” that I can’t imagine ever coming to be, I’m not biting. I don’t want her anymore, in THAT way.
She is a decent companion, and a great mother. She is a fantastic woman; actually, she is a great example in many positive ways – just not in the area of keeping her husband and marriage thriving developmentally.
We only show the obligatory affection anymore. Clinical kiss goodbye…. That’s it, actually. No holding hands, no hugs, not even a kiss “hello”. It’s like kissing your sister. Not YOUR sister, you know what I mean? YOUR sister is probably hot!
But it has finally reached the point where even that is disgusting to me. That’s what made me realize that, I’ve lost that loving feeling, for her. The fires of passion are extinguished. Not in general. I fantasize about other women from time to time. But I know that outsourcing would complicate my life in ways I don’t want to experience.
It could be a survival instinct. Since I’ve been told for 4 years of longing and effort that I can’t have her, perhaps I’ve convinced myself that I don’t want her. Well, I’m pretty damn convincing, if I do say so myself!
Huh? It’s interesting how this story, the story of the life I’m living, keeps unfolding before me in ways that continue to surprise me. I didn’t see this coming. Blind, perhaps, dull, even. But I figured I’d fight till the end with valor and resolve.
Not so.
Things are nice enough at home. They aren’t desolate by most standards. I’m not in the despairing survivor mode I once experienced; onlookers would observe it as a good life. And, in some ways, I can agree with that. My wife and I get along well. When we talk, it is pleasant. She is a good friend. You’ve heard it before.
I’m just resigned to the fact that our best days are behind us. After gutting out the effort for 4 years, I recently gave up. And the sunroof of contentment is opening. I can assume that is merely due to the abandonment of effort and expectations, as it has to do with restoring my marriage. And, I still would love to have an exemplary marriage. But it is I, now, me, that no longer desires my wife.
She still has no inkling of putting out some physical love towards me, mind you. But if she did, and that is a monumental “IF” that I can’t imagine ever coming to be, I’m not biting. I don’t want her anymore, in THAT way.
She is a decent companion, and a great mother. She is a fantastic woman; actually, she is a great example in many positive ways – just not in the area of keeping her husband and marriage thriving developmentally.
We only show the obligatory affection anymore. Clinical kiss goodbye…. That’s it, actually. No holding hands, no hugs, not even a kiss “hello”. It’s like kissing your sister. Not YOUR sister, you know what I mean? YOUR sister is probably hot!
But it has finally reached the point where even that is disgusting to me. That’s what made me realize that, I’ve lost that loving feeling, for her. The fires of passion are extinguished. Not in general. I fantasize about other women from time to time. But I know that outsourcing would complicate my life in ways I don’t want to experience.
It could be a survival instinct. Since I’ve been told for 4 years of longing and effort that I can’t have her, perhaps I’ve convinced myself that I don’t want her. Well, I’m pretty damn convincing, if I do say so myself!
Huh? It’s interesting how this story, the story of the life I’m living, keeps unfolding before me in ways that continue to surprise me. I didn’t see this coming. Blind, perhaps, dull, even. But I figured I’d fight till the end with valor and resolve.
Not so.
By:
deleted
Age:
26-30
