What to Do?

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years and most of it was with very lil sex.  We were friends and co workers then started to date.  Within a couple of months of dating I got pregnant and of course got married.  Well he didnt want to have sex while I was pregnant so there went 9 months.  Then he didnt want to have sex cuz of the whole birth grossed him out.  I think the first year of our marriage we had sex 3 times.  It didnt get any better.  I tried not giving it to him in hopes he would want it more but it went like 10 months before he would even touch me.  I have tried things and he says he doesnt like those things cuz I am mom now ann he doesnt see me that way.  Of course I attacked myself thinking I am to fat, I am not attractive enough bla bla bla. He became my roomate, someone I did not have sex with.  It was uncomfortable if we did.   Finally 3 years into our marriage we started trying to have sex more to break that strange feeling and then I got pregnant, like real quick.  So again another year with out sex.  And then agian we tried to have a sex life and got pregnant when our youngest was like 9 months old.  By this time 1 and half years went by and we had sex 1 time.  This whole time attacking myself and thinking it is me.  Then I found out he had an affair with a co worker.  He quit his job and had come clean with me.  He wanted to work on our marriage.  So I gave him another chance.  At first it was great he was really trying and we were having sex like 3 to 4 times a week.  But he wasnt lasting very long.  I thought it was because we didnt have sex very often and feel like I was being very patient.  He wasnt trying to please me cuz he thinks we are supposed to get pleased at the same time.    I asked him to please me before we start sex if he wont after but once he got in the mood it was over.  Then I was blame myself that maybe how I felt about myself is the reason why I cant have an ******.  So with counseling and losing like 30 lbs I feel great about myself and still nothing.  I am getting very frusterated.  The sex is diminishing as well.  To be honost I am losing the desire to have sex with him cuz I never get satisfied.  I am like afraid to get into it cuz he will ***.  I have mentioned to him that maybe he can go and see a doc about it but he wont.  I still feel like to that he just doesnt want to have sex with me.  WE can go out on a date come home and an by the time I come home from walking the sitter home he is either passed out or eating and watching sports.  The last time we went out I looked hot I had so many guys hitting on me and giving me rather uncomfortable attention, he didnt even notice he was talking to someone about sports.  WE leave and he says you look really good tonight if you werent my wife I would bang the **** oout of you but you are and we will go home and I will crash.  I asked him when we get home can you do two things for me.  Dont turn on the tv and make yourself something to eat cuz that is the biggest turn off.  What do you think he does I come home from walking the sitter from across the street and he has sports on and food in microwave.  I kinda yelled at him and told him we were having sex and he could wait to eat in 5 min.  So we did but nothing for me.  I need him to want me.  Since I have lost the weight and feeling better of myself guys are looking at me and hitting on me and it is becoming really tempting to me.  I dont want to cheat I really dont but I want some satisfaction and to feel sexy, desired.  I want something spontaneous and try new things but he just doesnt look at me that way.  What do I do?

jojo31 jojo31
31-35, F
5 Responses Aug 21, 2008

Congrats. :)

*****UPDATE*****<br />
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He told me he wanted an open marriage. That was the last straw for me, I moved him to the ba<x>sement and filed for a divorce a few months later. He couldnt believe I was going thru it. His plan was to divorce me when our youngest was 18 and tried to talk me into going along with his plan...NO WAY!!! Divorced 1 and half years now...we are friends and agree no matter what kids come first. I am still single, Im still a stay at home mom and have very lil time out and about. When I dont have my kids I am a Pure Romance consultant....so now my motto is "who needs a boy when you have a toy" and I have lots of them...lol

Good for you, and thank you for coming back to update your story!

It sounds like it is a hang up only because your the childrens mother. I would say he needs counseling. Elvis had the same complex. <br />
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The fact that he cheated would really pizz me off. I don't know if I could forgive. He can have sex with others but not with you. That is wrong.

if you are no longer interested in him (and it sounds like you have good reason not to be), and he is in no way attentive to you, then pack his shite and send him on his way. you have managed to hold yourself together through having children, lose weight, and feel good about yourself all while dealing with a cheating, selfish, and demeaning spouse, you deserve a chance at happiness.

Hi Jojo. Welcome to this rather unique group and my sympathies also that you have found your way here. You'll get understanding and support and while it may not change things, you might also get a little more insight into what's going on with your spouse. <br />
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From what you've said, your spouse has a pretty immature perspective of you. He can't entertain the idea that you can be mother to his children AND a sexy hot lover. That is sad because if we take his view, you are now labelled 'Mum' and he won't be able to see you in any other role. If its not too late, talking calmly about needs and expectations and your different perspectives would be a good place to start. Counselling may also help to broaden his viewpoint. Mind you, I find it incredible that in this day and age, some men still hold to the 'Madonna - *****' complex. Good luck.