Post

No End In Sight

No End In Sight
By: Me
Written on February 22nd, 2013
Since the last time I have posted the wife has been to the hypnotist and nothing good has come from it as of yet. I have sat down with her several times to try explain the desires I still have for her and the frustration, anger, sadness and rejection I have been feeling because of her lack of libido. I brought up again how I fully understand the medical issues she is having and don't wish for her to rush whatever recovery she needs but I need some type of intimacy from her. Alternatives were brought up again and she rejected those options also saying she didn't like doing things like that. That was like a kick in the gut.

Since she has been through the procedure with the gastro doctor it seems it gives her another excuse to shun me. I have spoke with her mother about the things and she brought up the procedure and how she needs time to heal from it. Apparently she had forgotten I had the same procedure 3 years ago and know exactly what she went through. When that fact was presented to her there was silence on the other end of the phone and after a long pause for me to think of my daughter and what this would do to her. I was a little sharp in my response to her of how her daughter should be thinking the same thing.

I have done some research on the Internet again and was thinking of giving some of the homeopathic remedies a chance. It is either that or find a witch doctor. I am out of ideas. I have continued to reassure her I love her, care for her and find her extremely attractive. I rarely receive any of those reassurances from her.

I am beginning to find ways of staying at work longer to avoid coming home to the problem and having to remind myself of these problems. I get excited just at her touch on my arm or back and knowing she wants nothing to do with me intimately tears me apart. It has become easier to avoid her and be in a different room because of it.

Has anyone had anyone help or luck with any type of homeopathic remedies?
Dep4300 Dep4300 41-45, M 6 Responses Feb 23, 2013

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Another update: It seems there is always something. Another doctors appointment today and he says once again she is just fine and the work he did healed up within a few days after he had performed the procedure, SHOCKER. So she has been taking some kind of antibiotics for something which has caused her normal response of getting a yeast infection, another SHOCKER. So now it is another call to the doctor for the pill to get rid of the yeast infection. The cycle never stops.

You must reckon by now that NONE of her problems regarding sex and physical intimacy are physical by nature, even if they are real in any other way, but rather psychological and emotional, even to the point of trying to make your life hell by blackmailing you by threatening to make your life hell if you even once move out.

I have to say that I sense that you are pushing as hard as ever in terms of putting pressure on her and that would probably be a basis for setting up a reactionary process. However, without even knowing, never mind understanding your situation, I suspect that would make no difference in the circumstances anyway.

She is anti-sex with you, for whatever reason(s), maybe anti-sex, period. Who knows? The thought must have struck you by now, more than once, that this marriage, this relationship is over, bar the shouting and the form-filling. Yet she wants to keep you around simply to have access to your financial resources. You haven't really experienced any sense of her working towards a real resolution to the problem, She has not expressed any regret to you about missing out on sex or physical intimacy, at least any that were convincing to you.

Yet you are not in a state of readiness to throw in the towel for all sorts of reasons, the threats, your own natural reticence, fears of the unknown and so on. And all that is natural and inevitable as well.

Do you think there is any point in continuing to throw your focus, emotional energy and time, maybe even money into trying to resolve the situation, while she desperately plays for time? Do you think you have put as much effort into as it would ordinarily warrant?

It's a desperate situation to find yourself in.

What a mess.
First off, the alternates you offered.. I assume that is sexual things without actual intercourse. She "doesn't like doing things like that?" What is this? College? She's a grown woman. Doesn't like "doing things to please her husband?" That doesn't in itself make her happy? sorry, but.. that is ENOUGH to walk away right there.

Secondly, hypnosis, witch doctors and all the herbal remedies won't change her personality. And this sexless stuff? It's become her personality. Towards you, at least. And based on what you have said, that isn't going to change because she is FULL of excuses.

alternatives*

sigh.. I REALLY can't type fast without a hundred typos, I guess...

" One of the reasons I won't move out is because the last time I did she made the comment the next I moved out it would be for good and she would make my life a living hell."

So, so many things wrong with this statement.

Why are you letting yourself stay hostage to a person who would make such a deranged and hateful statement to you?

Why have you not consulted a lawyer to see just how much of a reality that thread might be - or might not be? You have rights too, you know.

Why do you give a flying **** what her mother says or thinks?

You are going to look back on this and wonder who the **** you were that you let yourself be played like this. From one who has lived a similar life to another. Illness is NO excuse for treating you like some sort of indentured slave.

Note to you: this is NOT a marriage.

"threat", not "thread"...typo

You appear to be "why" chasing.

Some "why" chasing is usual as we try and find the "fix" for a disengaged spouse.

Try and not turn it into an art form - or a end within itself. It is a road to nowhere. The bullet has to be bitten at some point.

Tread your own path.

I found the sceptic society has excellent material on homeopathy (which I can't find in a jiffy, but I have found many scientific studies of homeopathy quoted on a sceptics webpage - funny, when the homeopaths always moan that no scientific research in to their activities has ever been conducted) However - here's a url for one writeup on the topic:
http://www.skeptic.com/eskeptic/09-01-14/

Basically:homeopathy has a great placebo effect because the practitioner spends a lot of time with the client, asks them many questions and generally makes them feel good because they seem to really care about them, unlike a MD. And that's about as helpful as homeopathy gets. Everything else is horseshit.

I've tried it myself, I loved the attention, the caring etc, felt "well looked after" - and the treatment had absolutely no effect on my body. Alas, my one bit of anecdotal evidence is worth just as little as their 'success stories'.

I have already taken her to therapy and she was not honest with the therapist or I because after I tried the things the therapist asked me to do she came forward with the physical pain admission. I have taken her to the doctors to resolve the pain problem but although they say she is fine she still claims pain. One of the reasons I won't move out is because the last time I did she made the comment the next I moved out it would be for good and she would make my life a living hell. At the point of only seeing one way out.

Your reply above, Dep, is extra-ordinarily revealing.
Clearly, she has no interest what so ever in her "why", so you continuing to chase the "why" on her behalf is a complete waste of your time.
Accept that this deal ain't fixable.
And from that solid base of truth, choose.
Staying ? Going ?
Choose.
And OWN THAT CHOICE.