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Lost

I never thought I would be writing this story.
We have been married for over twenty years and have had a solid marriage, but over the last year it has sunk to an all time low. We do not have sex on a regular basis. I would say never but that is not completely true. Lets just say that it's been a really long time. We seemed to have seperate lives and we are more like roommates than partners in life. She spends alot of time with her friends which are mostly newly divoriced. And yes this does concern me. I spend time with my friends as well so I cant really say anything. We both say we love each other and somewhere deep inside I believe that we do. Maybe I am stupid to believe that but I do. Anyway there are times I want to touch her, kiss her and hold her but she has pulled away. I tried to initiate sex the other day and was turned away with the "I'm really tired" I try not to think about her having an affair but I am getting a gut feeling that it may be happeining.
I just don't know what to do at this point. Any rsponses would be helpful because I am lost.
deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses Feb 23, 2013

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been there an things are better now for me that we went into CDD marriage
not the way i wanted to go but seems to work an we are very happy now no tmuch sex but more then before

I am so sorry. The best advice I can give you is to keep exploring your feelings on this...on here and with her. Don't hide because times has a way of moving on and then you've lost even more.

sure sounds like low libido usually men will have low testosterone levels, women heading towards, or who are going thru menopause can feel the same way! It's like PMS all over again for sum women AND being around friends and avoiding your partner because you don't feel sexual, goes hand & hand with menopause symptoms!...."I have it the other way my husband has low testosterone, he won't admit it! he won't go to the doctor! thus we have a pretty much sexless marriage & he's always off with his friends too! "So your not alone!!! believe me. "I guess at this point you can just simply kind of kid around with her and ask her "what? your not attracted to me anymore"?....She will either tell you that she just doesn't feel up to it ( which could be probable hormone levels) and if that's the case, ask her if you can "BOTH" go to the doctor and have things checked out!!! "But if she doesn't respond to that in a good way!!!!! "You should just spit it out directly and ask her "Is our marriage over or what???????...."Things have to start some were, even if it's something we might not want to face! & Good-luck to you:) Peace

I guess the real question is are you willing to do whatever - even the risk the marriage to find a solution. Desperate people often find solutions because they are finally willing to think outside their comfort zone.

With every rejection she pushes you closer to desperation - you will have this discussion about your future sooner and later - the question is will it be with forethought and planning or after events have forced it. Far better to have discussion before desperation has forced your or her hand

What to do ??
Do you mean 'how do I establish if she is having an affair' ?
There is any amount of advice about that on the net.

What would you do if she was ?

There's the real question for you.

See, if she has adopted an intimacy averse to you position, there could be all sorts of reasons for that, including an affair. But whatever the reason might be, the fact remains that her behaviour remains intimacy averse to you. And THAT is what you have to deal with.

If her position continues to be intimacy averse to you, is that a dealbreaker ?

Or, would that be contingent upon "why" she is intimacy averse to you ? - example
(a) - if she's like this because of an affair, thats a dealbreaker
(b) - if she is like this because that's just the way she is then it's not a dealbreaker.

Or are you looking at trying to establish "why" and then 'fix' it ?? If you are, know that that is a suicide mission. You can't 'fix' her any more than she can 'fix' you.

Tread your own path.

Talk to her and just ask her if she is having an affair. Tell her exactly how you feel!

If she wasn't having an affair and loved him, I would think she would recognize that things must have slipped pretty badly for him to suspect an affair. Even if her first response was anger, her second should be to TALK about it and figure things out!