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Absence Makes The Heart Grow...Harder And Much More

I'm going to warn you. It's a hot mess right now, though I'm sure some of the more perceptive people here knew this was coming for me.'s been a while. I literally got a call on a Sunday night in early December about a job overseas and I took it immediately. On Monday morning, I took the first flight there and was there for a little over a month, including during the holidays. Of course, I know that this kind of thing isn't going to fix marriages (ha!), but I got into this work partly because I DO want to get away.

While there (not in a first world country), I interacted with the locals and some of my experiences there really changed a lot of my perspectives, for better or worse. First, I can't take life for granted. We've only got one shot, and if something is there you take it and run with it, and if something is dying, lay it to rest.

I got back and was happy to see the kids but the first thing that hit me was wow...I really don't care as much as I should about seeing my wife. I had the "I don't give a **** about sex or intimacy" mode on (from a previous story) for a while and realized that maybe I had left it on a bit too long if I wanted to try and save the marriage.

So, we were overdue for a date (not one since May) and we are both LotR fans, so we've wanted to see The Hobbit. Now, for me, a nice meal, a stroll, maybe a few laughs/drinks, and then a movie (or vice versa) sounds like a lovely time out. We actually had someone watching the kids and the time. Let's do it! Except, a couple hours before, she decides to shut off. She lashes out and then sits there, a moody look on her face. I told her I was going for a long drive and then she texted me that she wants to try the movie, but skip the other stuff. Fine. We did and it was...joyless? We got home, she went to study and I took a nap.

At that point, I knew we were pretty well done. *Hold this point in the chronology, I'll come back to it* Shorly after, I moved out and we're not legally separated yet, but working toward that. Now that our marriage is beyond ******, she's trying very hard to win me back. Offering sex, doing all these things for me that's she never done before. I feel awful not being able to reciprocate due to my hardened heart. I'm just not able to get myself to the point where I can respond affectionately anymore. It sucks because I know the feeling, but at the same time, she brought it on herself, so...this is something I'll have to elaborate on in another story.

Ok, back to the point where I realized it was over. Serendipitously, I received a text from my previous affair possibility. She wanted to meet me to talk. I figured, why the hell not? She had bought me a coffee already and we sat in her car and talked. That was it. She said she'd text me later, and I was ok with it.

Long story short there, I've started an affair. Oh boy. My god. To feel desired and alive again is just amazing and to find someone with whom I'm sexually compatible has been nothing short of pure epiphany. I won't get into details, but it's hours at a time. It's pretty much everything both of us had wanted. I discovered her situation is what had made her so timid and "basketcase"-like. We understand each other because both of us have been hurt, but the feelings bug that had bit when we were first talking back in October has come around full circle.

We feel very strongly for each other and it's definitely a complication for me in my marriage situation, let alone between us. It's heading down the road to divorce, but I've got to keep my head and realize that I'm leaving because I was so miserable, not because of this new person who may or may not be there at the end of all this.

So, yes, hot mess. I might be able to write more...eloquently and with deeper insight later, but this is what I have right now.

Thanks for listening and any advice. I definitely expect to get roasted. It is what it is.
iamalsokolya iamalsokolya 31-35, M 22 Responses Feb 24, 2013

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The way your wife interacts with you reminds me of mine. Didn't get any attention from her until I said i was leaving. Right now she's in a bout of crying, but it's too late. My heart shut down.

It's pretty nigh impossible to come back after your heart has shut down. And in your case, that's a damned good thing.

I totally understand the hardness. I am no longer desperate and begging for his attentions. not ONE bit. and if I do demand a hug he gets pissed lol

am so glad you made your realization. I wish you the best in getting your freedom . . . . . .

"Bobbie is FREE" hehe couldn't resist

Thank you! Things have been progressing nicely. I have no real complaints about how everything is going right now.

I'm glad to hear you've made your own realizations. It truly is only a matter of time for you.

yes I know. I actually meant "Dobbie is Free" lol

for now I am staying for the kidz but as the kidz get older, ie teenagers, I will leave, god willing. but I am glad that I have come to all the other realisations. I'm not in as much misery as I was before.

Haha, I was trying to figure out what you meant! I was wondering if you were a Bobby Brown fan or something lol.

Well, I can't say I'm a proponent of staying for the kids. There are two reasons for this as it relates to you:

1) Your children are learning all the time. Right now, they're learning about relationships by watching your marriage. They're learning about how they'll act as spouses and about what kind of spouse they should be looking for. They're learning that whatever dynamic you and your husband have is normal and worth repeating in their own lives. Be careful about staying for the kids.

2) You're young. Sure, you'll still be quite young when they become teenagers, but if you're willing to wait that long, you might be willing to wait until you become old enough that the dating pool for your age group is small. In fact, as a 30-something reentering the dating world, I can tell you that it's tricky. Most people my age are taken.

It's just food for thought.

thanx. I have thought about all of this. its tricky because i have 3 kidz, all with autism, 2 who are runners so sometimes it takes the two of us to make them safe, y'know?

and for the later, I geuss I'll just have to work on being the best milf/cougar I can be, lol

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I understand, but please be cautious.

Well, I wasn't all that cautious. As you'll see in my later stories, this whole little thing with the girlfriend didn't work out. It was for the best, but boy, was it ever a mess. My experience is a primer how NOT to handle outsourcing.

We'll look back on these good times when we're on line in our respective old folk's homes, and reminisce about the good old days when we had our freak on...x

It's funny you say that. That's the realization I came to yesterday. Sure, this girlfriend thing ended in total disaster, but man the memories of the hot sex and good times still puts a smile on my face. Other than a couple lessons learned, that's what I take from it. Mmmmm...

I was thinking the same thing, we must be finally out of limerence.

Yep, it feels like a switch was flipped and I truly am good never talking to her or seeing her again, even if I look back on the good times with a smile. It's a weird feeling because I've never had a break up go badly (even my divorce!), but I'm truly in a good place :)

"Affair-woman" showed you that you are still alive, you are normal and you deserve the best. When compared to a dead marriage, marital undertones that you are not worthy (somehow) and that you are stuck in a ****** marriage, your affair should have rocked your world and put you on top (so to speak). Just having some kind of validation is worth gold.

Good for you!

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If you're that miserable, it's definitely time to call it quits. Funny - last movie my wife and I saw was The Hobbit too...

Hmmmm....maybe there's a correlation? And yeah, it was definitely the right move to get out. Well, I guess I'm still in process but the legal wheels are in motion.

Trust yourself, it's common for your self-image to be battered in the SM. If you can proceed with compassion and calculation, you'll be good. You've done the hard yards, now's time for you.

I think I understand about the impact of experiencing other cultures, I was brought up in some poor cultures, and it left a strong (and positive) impression on me.

good luck hun.....been there done this at least you have someone there for you hun:)

You certainly aren't doing yourself any favours. You sound like you need to sort yourself out before you get involved with anyone else. I'd suggest you clean up the mess you have in front of you and then see how you feel about this other woman. She should understand your need to do that and if not then that is a sign you should stay well away. You are ensuring your divorce will be messy by starting an affair now and there are kids involved. Not a good plan.

The kids are gone. My career does not enable me to keep them, and they'll likely be overseas. It's the hardest part of this. As for this woman, she's being even more cautious than I am. I kind of thank her for keeping my head on my shoulders a bit.

As long as it's just your heart that's hardened...


Nah, I'm not going to roast you. I actually like the fact that you recognized the job offer, the continued refusal of sex, and the subsequent sex offer (grins) as learning events.

Hmm..let's see...wanting sex after years of refusal...that's not reprehensible, it's freakin' natural! You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders. Keep using it through your process. Now that you have involved yourself with a third party, the chances of things getting dicey have increased exponentially :)

Best of luck to you!

Thank you! Yes, it's dicey, but I guess we'll see. Desperate times...

glad you've got a lawyer lined up. no judgment on the affair but mega caution: be extra extra careful. do NOT get caught or your STBX will use it against you in every way she can: if not in the courts, then with the kids.

on that grim note, good that you've found some balance.

Yeah. Well, given my career(s), she's going to have the kids. I'll probably let her take them overseas, because they'd have a better support system. I'd miss them terribly, but given what I do and how I can kind of pop off for months at a time, my poor children would be basketcases.

Just take it easy , I know alot about being hurt here lately

The timing of this may not have been the best .....but nothing ever is.
Having this woman in you life may actually help you stay sane, while you tie up the loose ends.
I wish you luck and hope it all turns out well.

I would in no way judge you. I am in a sexless marriage and my husband gave me permission to fulfill my needs elsewhere. At first I thought I would never do such a thing. As it turned into a year without sex, I couldn't take it any longer. Now, I've been with 3 guys and I totally understand the rush and excitement of feeling wanted again.I don't know how my situation will end up, I just hope I can deal with whatever fallout may come from it. I wish you all the best and a lot of people would have strayed.

It's something else to feel that after years of neglect!

:It appears that you have been progressing along the road to a happier life.
I believe we do not choose who we fall in love with. Circumstances lead us to different places and each off us has a unique journey in life.

Well stated. I would not have foreseen this woman taking me by force like this. No way!

<p>&nbsp;<p>Hello Iamalsokolya, I know of no affairs that fared or ended well. Once long ago, two of my colleagues were cheating on their spouses that subsequently could've cost her, the man, me, my six month old fetus, and others our lives.That morning, she came in wearing the same clothes from the day before, red teary eyes, etc. About 45 minutes later, her husband came into our office which was one huge room (we called it the bullpen) waving a gun around. It was terrfying but, everyone was calm, 20 minutes later...this was diffused by our incredible older boss Larry and his wife as he talked the husband and wife into his office to talk. How brave and scary! Not saying that this is your situation but, pointing out that affairs can be dangerous - and of course horribly devastating to the spouse. It is too bad that you and your wife have not sought couples counseling. My observation is that there is a lot of unresolved anger between you and your wife. She started acting diffierent because you scared her into thinking that she was completely losing you and it seems she must still love you. Since you are on this site, have you read the books "Love Tactics" and More Love Tactics? or any other type of couples books? I'm an avid reader and quite analytical so I research and delve into topics to a large degree and can tell you there are some pretty good books out there on how to repair a relationship, the best facets of a marriage, etc.. In all fairness, your wife may deserve your anger but, cheating is extremely hurtful and sometimes irreparable. I don't condone affairs and see nothing good about instant gratification; It seems that folks give up too easily on their marraiges, but, I realize it does take two. Communicaiton is key. I hope things work out for you and your wife.</p><p></p>

I've read a number of books, but she made it fairly clear that she's not interested. She said the literature makes her out to be the bad guy, even if I think most books are fairly even-handed. You may not know, but this issue has been in the red alert stage for nearly two years now. There's been no real change. I gave up on hope a long time ago...

Would be helpful if you had read more widely here, and specifically what iamalsokolya's experience was.

Which might lead you to back off on the "instant gratification" and "communication is key" lines.

I like the way you are very eloquent :) I feel sorry you had to go through all that...I wonder if your wife really wants to work things with you now...probably you know it better, I hope you make the right decision. From what I heard from people, divorce is never fun. When you were talking about the movie plan it sounded so nice, and it might have been positive turn...but what a bummer...too bad...I know how such disappointments are like..

Lawyer up.


Tread your own path.

Done and done. I know I didn't mention it here, but I think I did in a previous story. I would not have had a sense of urgency about that side of it had it not been for your and others advice along those lines. Thank you!

In terms of eloquence you seem to be doing just fine to me. I'm not sure how relevant it is though. ;).

Sometimes, I'm amazed by the eloquence with which people here express themselves, and I think their stories will endure and help others because of it. While I do write here to get things off my chest and seek advice, I hope that I can leave behind something for someone who is following in my path.

Iama, no criticism from me. You were effectively "out" of your marriage (emotionmally)when you started the affair. It makes a LOT of sense to keep this affair from your wife - do NOT get careless in that regard! I wish you and your new partner the happiness tthat Baz and I have found together . . . I have no higher wish to offer!! {{{hugs}}}

Thank you so much, enna!

You are clear on the real issue, the marriage itself. It's okay to take time to consider your needs and those of your children. Whatever you decide, you need to be sure that you are not acting out of anger...even though you may have every right to be angry. I have been married for 2 decades and am planning on making a slow but, deliberate exit, one that dignifies my marriage and children. About 10 years ago, I had an opportunity to be with the first love of my life. To this day, I am glad that I did not do so but, I would melt if I could be with him now. I can completely understand the euphoria of being with someone who desires you.

Yep, it is what it is. That's what happened to my husband I think when he went away. But he refuses to admit it or be honest about it. Do yourself and her a favor, be honest about it. Brutally.

I've told her that I can't find the feelings for her anymore; that perhaps I stopped caring for too long. She told me she won't give up. Where was this sense of urgency the last two years I've been telling her how miserable I am??

Tell her you are attracted to someone else. That should do it. Tell her you really love that person. That's the easiest way to get rid of someone.

My God, If you really want out, the last thing you should do is tell her about this other woman! This ammunition will be coming right back at you! Please don't be naive, even in your sympathetic moments. Rather plan for how your going to manage your responsibilities in the event of a divorce

Yeah, I'm on the DO NOT TELL ABOUT THE AFFAIR boat. Nothing to be gained there.

I totally agree. I'm not telling her at all. I'm thinking the comment is the product of some bitterness from their own experience.

I WILL NOT be telling her at all.

You are so correct! You can not fall into another relationship when you have to get closure with the one you are in! Any person who watches a family fall apart while sleeping(and having the ear of) the person who is in the midst of these shenanagins should distance themselves from the drama. If they stay as a voice of animosity, means they want the drama! And when the dust settles, you'll be left with a morally corrupt companion.

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