Absence Makes The Heart Grow...Harder And Much MoreI'm going to warn you. It's a hot mess right now, though I'm sure some of the more perceptive people here knew this was coming for me.
So...it's been a while. I literally got a call on a Sunday night in early December about a job overseas and I took it immediately. On Monday morning, I took the first flight there and was there for a little over a month, including during the holidays. Of course, I know that this kind of thing isn't going to fix marriages (ha!), but I got into this work partly because I DO want to get away.
While there (not in a first world country), I interacted with the locals and some of my experiences there really changed a lot of my perspectives, for better or worse. First, I can't take life for granted. We've only got one shot, and if something is there you take it and run with it, and if something is dying, lay it to rest.
I got back and was happy to see the kids but the first thing that hit me was wow...I really don't care as much as I should about seeing my wife. I had the "I don't give a **** about sex or intimacy" mode on (from a previous story) for a while and realized that maybe I had left it on a bit too long if I wanted to try and save the marriage.
So, we were overdue for a date (not one since May) and we are both LotR fans, so we've wanted to see The Hobbit. Now, for me, a nice meal, a stroll, maybe a few laughs/drinks, and then a movie (or vice versa) sounds like a lovely time out. We actually had someone watching the kids and the time. Let's do it! Except, a couple hours before, she decides to shut off. She lashes out and then sits there, a moody look on her face. I told her I was going for a long drive and then she texted me that she wants to try the movie, but skip the other stuff. Fine. We did and it was...joyless? We got home, she went to study and I took a nap.
At that point, I knew we were pretty well done. *Hold this point in the chronology, I'll come back to it* Shorly after, I moved out and we're not legally separated yet, but working toward that. Now that our marriage is beyond ******, she's trying very hard to win me back. Offering sex, doing all these things for me that's she never done before. I feel awful not being able to reciprocate due to my hardened heart. I'm just not able to get myself to the point where I can respond affectionately anymore. It sucks because I know the feeling, but at the same time, she brought it on herself, so...this is something I'll have to elaborate on in another story.
Ok, back to the point where I realized it was over. Serendipitously, I received a text from my previous affair possibility. She wanted to meet me to talk. I figured, why the hell not? She had bought me a coffee already and we sat in her car and talked. That was it. She said she'd text me later, and I was ok with it.
Long story short there, I've started an affair. Oh boy. My god. To feel desired and alive again is just amazing and to find someone with whom I'm sexually compatible has been nothing short of pure epiphany. I won't get into details, but it's hours at a time. It's pretty much everything both of us had wanted. I discovered her situation is what had made her so timid and "basketcase"-like. We understand each other because both of us have been hurt, but the feelings bug that had bit when we were first talking back in October has come around full circle.
We feel very strongly for each other and it's definitely a complication for me in my marriage situation, let alone between us. It's heading down the road to divorce, but I've got to keep my head and realize that I'm leaving because I was so miserable, not because of this new person who may or may not be there at the end of all this.
So, yes, hot mess. I might be able to write more...eloquently and with deeper insight later, but this is what I have right now.
Thanks for listening and any advice. I definitely expect to get roasted. It is what it is.