Just Getting Started



Hello all...I am 32 and have a husband that I love dearly and am trying to find people to talk to, to learn if my situation is common, if their any ideas to fix, how to try to get him to go to a marriage counselor, or maybe should I just go.

We have been married almost five years but have known each other for 11 years. The love life we started was great! When we first knew each other the lovemaking was at least 5-7 times a week and sometimes 2-3 times a day. As time went on the fire cooled some, as I had expected it to. But here I am 11 years later, married, no kids (trying to decide on this), and the romp in the bedroom only happens 1-2 times a month. Even at the 1-2 times a month the event isn't lasting very long and seems like a chore for the other party. It has been this way for the last 3 years and I keep telling my self that maybe it will get better and it's just not. In thinking back we are starting to move into just 1 time a month. I am at a point where I need to think hard about having a child, because if I have one I will not turn back, I need to keep a marriage to keep a child (or at least that's what I believe is good). I fear that after a child the sex will be even less...and I am thinking if I am having problems now what's to say it won't get worse. I won't want to put my potential/future child in a poor and sad family situation like what I came from...although I was fortunate to be where I am now (thank God and I hope/pray for others in my similar situation) I will be damed if I will put my own child through it. I am a person to needs to have intimacy at least more frequently then I am now to keep my sanity and to think that my significant other loves me.

I don't understand what has happened and I am scared to take the next step (having a child) if I am feeling unsure...it's like thinking about permanent rejection and would I be ok with that/live with that...so the question is how can I fix it, how can I get him to go to a marriage counselor.....if all else fails maybe I need to skip having a child file for divorce and start a new life.


IthinkIneedhelp IthinkIneedhelp
6 Responses Aug 23, 2008

Do NOT, repeat, NOT have a baby thinking it will do anything but put more strain on your marriage. You seem smart and have thought this through quite a bit already.<br />
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To me, it seems like you're at the beginning of maybe having some problems. You've already gotten the advice that I would've given you in some previous comments, but I'd thought I'd chime in and let you know you're not alone and it can get better. Be honest with yourself about what you're feeling and be considerate of your husband's point pf view, too. Good luck and let us know how it goes :)

You are dead right in thinking that a child will reduce your sexual contact. It pretty much killed mine entirely. We went from once a month or so to one once in 12 months. When i finally brought this up to her, we had sex four times in two months... but that's over now too. I've been soundly rejected that last few times I've tried.<br />
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our 10th wedding anniversary is this week. The best I'm looking at is perhaps some sympathy sex, and that's worse than none at all.

I think you're right on to question bringing a child into the situation. <br />
You do need to decide what you can live with and what you can't. That'll drive your actions. <br />
How does your husband react about your feelings? I'm assuming you've discussed it. If not, you really should. As a matter of fact, you really should share with him the feelings you've shared here. If you cannot live with the rejection for the rest of your life, then you should let him know that. It's not an argument, it's a statement of your position. You need things need to be different.<br />
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You can't fix him, or make him change. He needs to make the change himself, or it's meaningless. How does he react to counseling? What about books? Would he participate if you approached him about your need to be better and need his help in the process? That way it is non-threatening and you're not telling him he's doing something wrong. In the process of your dealing with things, he might get a clue.<br />
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If not, there's always a 2X4... ;)

I wouldn't have a child. I would go to counseling and if your husband refused it would answer how commited he is to you and your marriage.

Statiscally, having a child to save a marriage does not work. Are you sure there are no physical or psychological (illnesses) issues that need to be resolved?

Well ...sorry I left abruptly yesterday as I was just getting started...but my husband came home...if he new or saw I were here posting comments or asking for help he would get very upset.