"The Perfect Life"

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years.  We have two beautiful children, we both have great jobs and we have a nice home.  We live in a great town and have wonderful friends.  I feel truly blessed to have everything that I do.  My husband and I have not had sex in 3 years.  The summer that we conceived our daughter, we had sex one time, the time she was conceived. 

My husband and I have a nice life but I miss the romance and intimate times that couples have together.  Sex is a huge part of a marriage and it's completely missing from my marriage.  It's almost like we are brother and sister instead of husband and wife.  I feel like life is passing me by and I am stuck in this dead end sexless marriage.  I would not have married my husband if I would have known then that I wouldn't have an active sex life.

I work out every day and keep my self in shape.  I have tried everything to make him want me and nothing works.  When I try to talk to him about this he changes the topic or makes a joke about it but I don't think it's funny.

I am not sure what I am going to do, sometimes I want to get a divorce but I don't think that's fair to do to my children.  However, I am only in my 30's so I don't want to live my life like this.

I have asked him if he is gay or if he is having an affair but he says it's neither.  He just isn't interested in sex.  I don't think that's normal, don't most guys think about it all the time??  He also doesn't watch any **** movies or like to look at magazines like Playboy.  He says they are demeaning to women.  I have tried to give him  b***j****  but he thinks they are  demeaning to women and he doesn't get turned on by them. 

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!

ldbugmommy ldbugmommy
31-35, F
6 Responses May 30, 2007

I'm so sorry you have to live with this situation. It is so hard to understand when husbands have no interest in their wives sexually and leave them with this empty feeling. Sex and feeling desired is so important that we all need it.

Living in a sexless marriage is demeaning to women. Let him ponder that one for a while.

wow this story just keeps getting repeated. I thought I was crazy, and now I know there are many women out there with husbands that reject them sexually. The thing I think is that you will always have this little knife in your gut telling you that something is wrong, that you have this pain, and do you want to live with that forever? It is very complicated with children, of course. I agree with the counseling suggestions, and you must decide if you can endure a sexless marriage. You may end up psychologically damaged by the rejection that you feel. Maybe you can go on in the relationship without intimacy, and somehow make it work, I don't know. You are the one who ultimately must decide that. I, for one, cannot live like roommates or best friends and call it a marriage. I wish you the best, and I am really grateful to the people on this site that help to talk these things out. You too will find some solace and direction here.

Blow jobs are not demeaning - they are a healthy part of any sexual relationship. Its all in the attitude of the people giving and recieving. <br />
You need to get into your husbands head (counseling is a great idea) and find out why he feels the way he does about sex. what's making him feel guilty about it or ashamed fo it?

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I too am only 33, and feel exactly the same way, the difference is that I only have one child. I really think to myself what advise would I give my child if she were in this situation? I would probably tell her to get out of the relationship if at all possible, I think that when children are involved the sooner you get out the better, the hardest thing is taking that first step towards getting out or getting better---COUNSELING. One of two things can happen in counseling 1. things will get better 2. things will get worse. I have just had one session with my hubby and counselor and I feel EXACTLY the same and almost a little more angry at him, but the point is that he did make an effort to go with me and talk about his problem. We have 9 more sessions to go I'll let you know how it works out. Have you talked to him about counseling? I too suspected homosexuality but want to beleive it is something else because he does deny this and also says it's hurtful to him when I ask him. So my advice to you is to try to get cousneling and then take it from there. I think with counseling and time taking its course everything will fall into place. The good thing is that we are all on this site because we know that we have a problem with this marital situation, we have all looked for each other for support through this site, you have an "ear" here when ever you need it :)

My advice? Make it completely, without-a-doubt, clear to him that a sexless marriage is not an option. Insist on a committment from him to provide evidence of movement towards a situation that is acceptable to you. If other things somehow prevent him from keeping his committment, then you know exactly where you stand.