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I Love My Wife.

It is about 2 in the morning.  She is sleeping.  I am not.  We have been together for about 18 years.  We love each other.

I can think back to a time when our sex life was very hot.  I long for those days.  Over the years things slowed down.  That is to be expected.  But, I was in my 40's and only having sex a handful of times each year.

Then about three years ago, she had a complete hysterectomy.  We have not had sex since.  We tried maybe five times at my urging.  I gave up about a year and a half ago.

I have tried to touch her, but she says it doesn't do anything.  About once a month, I will ask her to touch me.  It may be my imagination, but her touch seems mechanical and without sexual energy.  Sometimes she even falls asleep.

I have thought about having an affair.  At this point in my life, I don't know how to meet other people in that way, and I love my wife.  I do not want to develop feelings for someone else.  It would not be fair to the other person in the relationship.

I never thought this part of my life would end so soon.  I want it back desperately.

dcarlyle dcarlyle 51-55, M 16 Responses May 31, 2007

Your Response


Encourage her to see if she can get medical help to boost her libido. If that doesn't work, both of your entering sex therapy may.

Have you tried to reassure her that she is still all woman, whole and as desirable as the day you met her. I am sorry, I cannot give any more help than this. As a woman, I have talked with other women some who have lost breatsts due to cancer and they say they no longer feel complete. They lost a part of them that defines them as a woman. I think this might be her case, plus a total removal, she lost her ovaries which produce homones. Necessary for mood stability and drive. A little testosterone therapy along with her hormones she takes might help.<br />
<br />
My prayers out to you and her. I feel your pain and anguish.

Maybe it has nothing to do with the hystro. I have had this operation and so have 50 million other women, what your wife has are a s___ load of excuses.

ya know ive heard alot of storys like this , there are things you can do about it , you can talk to your wife and see if she is open to talking to a doctor bout it , there are prescription meds made just for this type of thing , alot of times its lower levels of estrogen after the removal of the ovaries that causes it and other times its has to do with low testosterone , anyway , if you talk to her make her remember how much she enjoyed your love life before and really tell her how it makes you feel , i know that can be hard to do but i think it would do wonders . alot of the medications have very low health risks and but may cause minor weight gain and things of that sort , but i really hope things get better for you and your wife , and plz remember , many times loss of desire after a hysterectomy has little to nothing to do with the persons partner , it does alot to a persons body especially chemically and the body is a complicated system of checks and balances and a simple honest trip to the doctor could help put things back on track , i do suggest you go as well to express your feeling as well to the doctor because your wife may not express everything to the doctor like how she is acting or things that are different , <br />
is she wont go see the doctor then talk about things that turn her on and make her feel in the mood , let her really know that its a part of your life you dont want to give up yet and your not willing to go out side the marriage , let her know your serious !! and by no should you throw insults or try to guilt her in to fixing the problem , because you could really hurt her by doing so , same as she could hurt you by throwing insults at you on the subject (and she might ive known alot lot of woman throw insults for less lol ) . over all try and be open minded and happy !!!!<br />
hope this helped !!<br />

sex is a mind game/there is a disconect .she may need a solution as simple as watching her husband ****** some other woman.she may also be encouraged to **** another man jus to get her inerested in sex/she may be terribly habituated with our husband that it is as good as sleeping next to a log of wood.she needs to pleasantly shocked out of her mindset

sex is a mind game/there is a disconect .she may need a solution as simple as watching her husband ****** some other woman.she may also be encouraged to **** another man jus to get her inerested in sex/she may be terribly habituated with our husband that it is as good as sleeping next to a log of wood.she needs to pleasantly shocked out of her mindset

What does your wife say about her lack of responsiveness? Does it bother her that she has lost these feelings and sensations? I can't imagine that she wouldn't be very concerned for her own sake, let alone what it is doing to you. I would think that she would jump at the chance to return to intimacy with a spouse as sensitive and caring as you. The HRT advise is absolutely spot-on. Do whatever you need to to get her to a qualified and caring gynocologist (and the gender of the doctor is meaningless unless your wife is uncomfortable with a male!) If she isn't quite up to speaking with the doctor about this yet, talk to your own physician first. Perhaps he or she can provide some intermediate guidance. As all of us in this group can attest, this is a very sensitive and difficult issue for most people to address. You must be very careful to assure her that your concerns revolve around BOTH of you being happy, fulfilled and living life to the fullest. Do whatever you can to keep the focus on this being an important issue for BOTH of you to face and overcome TOGETHER.<br />
As to the hysterectomy being the culprit here ... only a qualified physician can make this call. I too have had a hysterectomy which took the uterus and cervix. BTW ... The removal of the ovaries is actually a separate procedure called an oophorectomy, although these two procedures are often performed together. My procedure did not diminish either my sex drive or my responsiveness. (Now my husband's complete disinterest in sex for the last 18 years is another matter completely ~ but not important here! ;~) <br />
I am certain there is a medical remedy to your wife's condition if she'll only seek it. I hope her memories of how great sex between you used to be as well as her deep and abiding love for you is enough to help her overcome any embarrassment or discomfort in facing this. She'll be so much happier with this beautiful aspect of life restored. <br />
Remember now, you have friends and supporters here, so keep us informed of your progress! You and she will be in my prayers.

I said the NERVE to the clitoris may have been cut. If you know anatomy, you know the nerve only ENDS in the clitoris!

perhaps your wife dont feel the woman she used to,and thats up to you to keep reasuring her,especially if its early days.H.R.T.IS A VERY GOOD SOLUTIONand of course your love understanding and a candle lite meal for her,dress up,have a long soak in the bath sure youll both overcome this sexless period time together.just use your imagination

I have been in a sexless marriage for 20 years. I have heard it all. Maybe it's not the fact that she had an hysterectomy. Maybe it's something else going on. You and your wife can login and read the sexless marriage sites together and get some ideas on how to move forward. Because the two of you have to work together in order to fix this situation. Also make fun out of it. ***** for her one day and dance around the room and make her laugh. It's probably all kinds of things going on in her heard that you don't know about.

Accidentally cut the clitoris? That seems far fetched to me. A hysterectomy would normally be done thru the abdomen, but even if she had a vaginal hysterectomy, that would be one heck of slip of the scalpal. I am sure this may have happened to someone at one time or another but I would wager the doc had a bottle in the OR.

It is possible that the nerve to your wife's clitoris was accidentally cut during her hysterectomy leaving her with little or no feeling in that area.

It is possible that the nerve to your wife's clitoris was accidentally cut during her hysterectomy leaving her with little or no feeling in that area.

I have had a total hysterectomy, ovaries included...I take hormones which replace what my natural ovaries once produced. (Hormone Replacement Therapy -- "HRT")<br />
I wear a tiny patch which I change twice weekly, and take a "half-strength" pill daily. That combination works perfectly for me. <br />
My libido is full-force, my ******* are as intense as ever, and the physical symptoms of post-menopause have not intruded upon my life so far (I had the Hysterectomy over 8 years ago)<br />
Get your wife to a FEMALE gynocologist ASAP and get her started on HRT. <br />
Good Luck!

I feel your pain. You are to be commended for your caring attitude towards her. Probably she needs hormone therapy,because in a complete hysterectomy the ovaries and cervix are removed. And why doctors do this God only knows. I have had a supracervical hyst where only the uterus was removed and everything else left. I am 50, not sure but probably menopausal (no big symptoms ) and I still want to give and receive sexual attention. I hope you can work this out. My young 40 yr old husband of 1 1/2 yrs can't stand to have sex with me now, for a myriad of reasons that seem to change and pile up daily, and I cannot live without that intimacy. But our union is much shorter lived than yours, and you also sound like a much more mature husband and individual than mine. I hope you work it out with her. Maybe she is depressed. But you must discuss the issue, because in a caring relationship one partner would certainly not want to knowingly cause the other so much pain.

Sorry about your wife. Do you talk with her in depth about your feelings and how much you miss her passion?