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When Is It Ok To Cheat?

Been married for 5 years, together for 10 and have a two year old. We only have sex quarterly, if that. I am sick of it. Since having our son, I have zero self esteem and my husband does nothing to toss me a compliment or initiate sex to make me feel attractive. I am not ugly. I used to be a beer rep model but I just want to be wanted. I am wanted by many outside of our marriage and many people are not even shy to tell me to my face. I have brought up the sex issue with my husband numerous times and it's like he doesn't care. How do I bring up the possibility of us exploring an open marriage? Is it ever ok? I still love my husband very much and we work well together in everything...except the bedroom. Ideas? Thoughts?
Ettubrute1234 Ettubrute1234 26-30, F 11 Responses Mar 15, 2013

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I figure if you add romance it would work. My sex life died and did cheat. No one talks about being in love with a lover and you possibly ending up alone. Even if you do not get caught destroying the relationship with your husband. The fact someone always gets hurt and someone will. This is not like TV you might end up with a stalker once you try to break it off. You learn to please youself and then a ***** tease even if it is bad. He will love it after a kid his pleasure box became where his babies come from. You name it I have it ***** pump. Wait till he is sleep and climb on it and when you reach climax hop off go take a shower. He will be feeling neglected smile and say boy I needed that. It works for me. Oh I send him nasty pics when he not home.

"I still love my husband very much and we work well together in everything...except the bedroom."

Famous last words around here. I think all of us typed these words at one point or another. I know I did. I also know I was so wrong.

Here's a thought...."HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU" Sorry if that seems blunt, but I learned the hard way, after 20 years of trying to make him want me....if he doesn't want to have sex with you NOW, the chances are slim to none that it will improve as you both age....just my 2 cents

If you are looking for a great source of info about how "ethical non-monogamy" might work for you, the website www.morethantwo.com might be of help. But keep in mind this demands total honesty with your spouse before anything happens, and depends entirely on honest and respectful communication between you. It's not cheating, it's not for everyone, but it might be worth reading and giving some thought to.

If you decide you want an open marriage, and your husband says no, then at least you'll have acted with integrity. Cheating cannot ever make that claim. Sorry for being blunt, no offense intended.

Read enna30's story on outsourcing - it has a lot of good info.
" I am wanted by many outside of our marriage and many people are not even shy to tell me to my face."
I had the same thing going on. It sucks - it makes you even more confused why your spouse doesn't seem to be into you, and it makes it really hard to resist the urge to cheat. It was actually too much for me, and I did have a couple of affairs. Those affairs ended up being a large factor in my decision to leave my marriage.
Keep in mind that if you do have an affair, there is a good possibility that you will end up divorcing - either because you get found out and your H leaves you, or because you will realize that you don't have to put up with someone who refuses to be intimate with you and walk out the door of your own accord (which is what happened with me). In any case, an affair is often a game-changer.

You are wanted and you have to keep romance going by adding excitement and adventure. I can give you some suggestions about how to recharge sex life. When my self esteem is ugh I have a pamper me day nails, hair and shopping clearance rack or use promo codes. Men do not like talking about sex wear a nurse outfit. Put on something slutty and like you are leaving house. If he lets you leave like that time to cheat. But most men will bend you over or scoop you up and then close your eyes pretend he is a superstar.

LOL!!! "A NURSE OUTFIT!" Priceless.....

Nothing says romance like an outfit that would earn you a quick twenty on a street corner.

You ladies are killing me here! Your comments are GOLD!!

With a two year old child, it sounds like an awfully long time to keep an open marriage going. But then it maybe doesn't need to. Nothing is forever; conventional marriages, open marriages, life itself.

Somebody will probably pop along now to tell me of an open marriage that they know of that has lasted for decades or of someone who has been cheating on their partner for decades without him or her knowing.

The only thing ever stranger than fiction is fact.

If the communication skills in your deal were as great as you reckon. you'd already have negotiated the open marriage / outsourcing option.

That you haven't indicates that the communication level you claim to exist is NOT actually there.

If you are determined to go down this track, see a lawyer in your jurisdiction first, to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. This outsourcing option carries with it a greatly increased chance of collapsing the primary relationship. So you need to make an informed choice about the risk / reward aspects.

Tread your own path.

You have to decide your own reasons and justifications for choosing to outsource.



For me it's having my cake and eating it.... And delicious it is! Although short sighted and not dealing with my SM and the fallout if caught is bad. Very bad.

Think MVC gave good advice. Do you think this sort of conversation is something you could have with your husband. It may work well, and he could find the idea of you with someone else a bit of a turn on and make him more interested. If you don't feel hat its something you could discuss with him maybe some other coping strategies would be in order. I think 1 thing which is important is that you have been hurt by feeling alone and undesired by your husband. A hot fling with someone, while able to satisfy the need at that time, will not heal the hurt. Maybe finding the friend who understands first is more important than the benefits.

You maintain that "all is great bar the sex" then?

OK. That is a good starting point.

If you work "well together in everything" then, theoretically, you ought to be able to broach the subject of an open marriage to him. Without hesitation.

Because if "all is great bar the sex", then no subject would be off the table. No amount of creative solutions would be off the table, to include the subject of an open marriage. Your happiness would be his top priority, and vice versa.

And to clarify, and affair/cheating is not an open marriage. An affair involves lying and deceptive behavior, an open arrangment contains non of those behaviors. An open marriage is not cheating, because your husband would be onboard with this solution.

So, going back to "we work well together in everything except the bedroom" then the issue of an open marriage could be put on the table. - if that were a true claim.

-----" I have brought up the sex issue with my husband numerous times and it's like he doesn't care."

That statement is evidence that all is NOT great bar the sex within your marriage.

Keep reading on here, might find something of value.