Newly Married... What's Wrong?

Ok.  I have only been married for 3 short weeks.  Before we married we did not have sex for religious purposes, but were intimate.  We even had oral sex a few times.  On our wedding night we attempted sex, but the stress of the day and the pain medicine that he had taken left us unable to finish.  The next morning my period started.  The week after that he was very sick and in bed most of the week.  This past week he had a "falling out" with someone whom he is very close to and has been feeling very depressed about it.  He talks about sex often and even (before we were married) joked about wanting it in the pre-nup to have it at least 3 times per week.  I am only 26 and he just turned 28.  Is is possible that there have just been unlucky circumstances for me-- or -- did I enter a sexless marriage??  Any advice or suggestions from anyone out there?


marshy marshy
26-30, F
16 Responses Jun 1, 2007


Even the Catholic church says that non-consummation of a marriage is grounds for divorce... just sayin'.....

I echo murrey. Wait a while, have fun in bed without neeeeding to have sex and see what happens. If it does not pick up soon or he continues to make excuses do not do not do not let it go unaddressed. Insist on getting help now or pack your bags. It will only get worse and worse if you let it go. 34 years on I wish someone would have shaken me and given me permission to get out.

Sounds like you have not both been in the mood at the same time. Early days, just relax and don't pressurise, let it happen spontaneously. If it gets to a few months without change, you may need to consider what the issue is.

What is your physical appearance and what is his? Are you guys compatible? How would others rank your appearance from 1-10 and his appearance?

I ask this because if you're slim and hot and he's overweight and not, he might have confidence issues about pleasing you.

If it's vice versa, then sucks to say, he may not be as attracted to you before the wedding night.

And if you guys are compatible physically, then just give it time.

You're young, it's early days. Love each other and take every opportunity to get it on. I know sex before marriage is a Christian no no, and I''m a Christian too, but it does leave people like babes in the woods when you finally get to it. Just have fun naked as often as you can. If you don't do A, B and C every time, don't beat yourselves up. If there seems to be an ongoing problem, then talk to someone you trust. All the best for the future.

Absolutely true.

It's early to tell, but if he uses excuses a lot, get the heck out of there. Don't be like me, trying to fix a dead marriage for 27 years.

3 weeks after marriage and no sex, seems dumb to me.


It's three weeks so far. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say it's just bad circumstances, but I would echo the cautions given by others and agree that if it doesn't change soon then there are more serious problems.

Have you talked to him about what's going on? If so, what does he say? Also, unless you have religious reasons for avoiding it, it's fine to have sex while you're menstruating.

Marshy, I read your story and...I've been there...four years ago! Same reason as you, same story...I am still waiting for a change. I was 26, he was 34. My advice is to wait a bit to see how this is going to end up. Just don't wait 4 years like I did. If it doesn't get fixed in the first year of marriage, it won't get any better later on.

This is why most of us DO have sex before marriage, for practice, for a test drive or however you look at it. The idea of being two virgins together sounds very appealing to some people, and for some it works well, but sadly a lot of the time it creates fear and disappointment. My advice would be to talk about it together, openly, or do you have communication problems too, hmm?

candles and sexy lingerie would turn him on! Why not both take a trip to anne summers, fun and kinky stuff there!

I could be completely wrong but it sounds like everyone is a little afraid or uncomfortable about being the 1st one to really initiate it. Maybe try candles and sexy lingerie. On the other hand, my fiance talked about sex all the time but since we moved in together it has slowed almost to a stop so it could be that maybe he felt like he needed to make a lot of noise for macho reasons. <br />
I truly hope that it is the first for you.<br />
Have you tried starting it off with oral sex? Communication is key but I so know how frustrating it all is. My best wishes to you Marshy.

Although I don't take my own advice, I just want to tell you to relax and don't worry about sex. The more you worry about it, the more stressed you'll be and the less sex you'll have. Let things develop naturally. It's normal that circumstances will keep you from being intimate sometimes. Things aren't perfect in life like they are in the movies...