Thoroughly Disillusioned....

I check in to this site almost every day to read everyone else's stories and insights.  I rarely write anything but I decided today that maybe it helps to unload.

I am trying to not be angry or resentful concerning my husband.  I really am.  But I have a sneaking suspicion that all I'm really accomplishing is a slow descent into depression and alcoholism. 

I'm swallowing anger, leading to depression, and trying to drown the depression with alcohol.  I drink even when it is distasteful to me, when it's literally difficult to swallow the drink.

WTF??

I am amazed at myself, and quite disgusted.

I'm actually killing my self-esteem more than HE is doing.  This just isnt "Me!"

I am losing my relationship with God. I am avoiding the people I love most in my life. I am going to work, coming home, going to bed, getting up, going to work, coming home, going to bed....etc etc...ad nauseum...

Every other day or two I drink myself into oblivion so I can sleep and not think. My husband knows this, and has seen the slow progression over the last few years, getting to this point.

Hell.  I'm depressed, arent I?

That would explain the lack of personal hygiene besides the bare basics of bathing and brushing my teeth once a day...IF I have to go to work. Otherwise I dont even do that much!

I havent shaved my legs since the day my husband came home from his last business trip -- he was home two weeks and has been gone for three, since then.  (he's gone for 4 weeks, home for 2)

It's SUMMERTIME!! MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR!!!! Yet I havent been outside except to go from the house to the car (yes, to go to WORK!) although I've always loved the outdoors...and I finally live in the country, the woods, my ideal place to be.

WTF??!

Am I the only woman who has it all (from my perspective!) and yet has absolutely no joy in it?

I've never been one to go for money, or glamour, or material gain.  But I have what I always wished for and worked towards: a cabin in the woods, a swimming pool, the job I always wanted, healthy kids and beautiful healthy grandbabies while I'm still young enuff to enjoy them and be involved with them.

I feel cheated, and all because I cant even get laid by my husband, nevermind really MAKE LOVE.  Every minute of every day I am aware of that fact, even when I'm not consciously thinking about it.

Part of me is glad that he's gone for a month at a time, so I can go to bed at night without wondering/hoping/wishing/being disappointed. The other half of me is absolutely opposite of that.

I have never cheated on him. Not even in my heart. But lately I think I am stifling my normal interactions with men in order to avoid any chance of that happening. My normal vitality is shutting down in order to prevent infidelity.

I'm afraid I am dying.

Does anything I've said here make sense, or am I just copping out? 

WhiteSwan WhiteSwan
41-45, F
10 Responses Jun 2, 2007

Alcohol is a killer, give it up, fix yourself up and listen to what Mike said.

I am so sorry you are experience this. I've done much the same as Mike describes. At one point, with the help of a good therapist, I came to the realization, I control my own behavior and attitude.

There is no shame in reaching out for help.

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult. Have you ever considered asking your husband if you can have just sex, and nothing else, with other men since he doesn't want to. Maybe if you tell him that you need sexual gratification and connections to be happy and healthy, but that you love him with all your heart and don't want to cheat on him, and would only have sex with other men if it was OK with him. Tell him that you would tell him about it and ask for his consent before doing it. You might want to also consider telling him that you will tell him the details if it would turn him on and he would like to hear it. You would be quite surprised to know how many men like sharing their wife with other men because it turns them on, or because they are impotent, but they want their wife to enjoy sex and not suffer as a result. Many will agree to it as long as their wife promises to be completely open and honest about it and not hide anything from them, and if she promises she will still love him deeply even if she has sex with other men because she has learned to separate love, caring, and commitment from sex. It might be worth a try.

Completely in agreement with Mike. Like him, I have learned to take my situation a day at a time. Does it change the situation of being in a relationship without intimacy, no. But it does change how you live it and how you treat yourself. Take care.

anniecoyote, I have come to the conclusion that in the long run we do what we need to do to survive. I have left relationships before, and always came out the stronger for it. The thing is, I always had to reach a certain level of misery before I gave up on the relationship -- before I lost hope. The feeling of dissatisfaction was never enough to force me to make a move. I reached a point of<br />
"do something -- even if it's wrong!"<br />
lol<br />
My drinking is definitely a self-medicating attempt and not classic alcoholism. I make a deliberate choice to drink in order to numb the emotional pain I'm feeling. It does the trick (naturally!) but now I'm tired of doing that; it isnt taking the pain away...merely putting off til tomorrow what I could be hating today. <br />
Know what I mean? <br />
The main consequence for me is loss of self-respect. I can handle a lot of pain and a lot of loss, but only if I have a core of strength to enable me to come through -- maybe even sadder for being the wiser.<br />
But once I lose respect for (or confidence in) my position I lose my strength and I crumble. <br />
I doubt I will ever leave my husband. <br />
At this point it hasnt entered my mind (not seriously, anyway) but my biggest fear is that I will have an extra-marital relationship and live a lie. I feel vulnerable to infidelity sometimes, which I never used to do.<br />
I wish you all the best, and hope you arent trying to drown your sorrow TOO often. I'll also bet ya a dollar that my legs are hairier than yours!! Hey! that was uncalled for.... lol

WOW, White Swan, when I first started reading your story I thought maybe I had written that one too while I was drinking. I know too well how you feel. Mike's response was really good too. But what are any of us supposed to do in the long run? Stay with these spouses that are hurting us with this lack of intimacy? I don't know. But it does help to share with others and get this feedback. Carry on...

Thanks, guys...your concern and honesty is important to me. I have to admit, I've always prided myself on not being "needy" or dependent on other people to prop me up. Looks like I have to relax that attitude for the time being. Mike's response hit home, and I spent yesterday in a healthy way --- I even grilled a steak dinner for myself (outdoors!!) and actively focused on how I can improve my attitude. Perhaps I have kept all this to myself for too long, and have allowed shame to creep in.<br />
Dont ask me why "shame" is within my heart; I can only surmise that I am blaming myself for my husband's sexual dysfunction. No more, if I can help it. I will FOCUS on getting myself back to where I like to be as a human being, as a woman. <br />
Thanks again for the wisdom, the warnings, the encouragement, the shoulders to lean on. It helps more than you know.

Agree with Mike, sometimes I do not want to look after myself but then I decide it is my thing and I wont depend on my hubby┬┤s rejection and I always try to be groomed, dress nicely, and eat right. Do not get into the path of alcoholism please.

Alcohol is a double negative for people in our situation. Don't get in the habit of drinking by yourself!

No, you are not copping out. Being in a unaffectionate and sexless marriage for 20+ years, I know exactly what you are saying. It will wear you down day by day and break you. You feel unattrractive, unwanted, and bitter. Being a father, I want to reach out and hug you and tell you it will all be alright.<br />
I do not know how the rest of your marriage is working, but you need some help.<br />
I have had many well intentioned people say things to me as I have sought someone to talk to about my sexless realtionship, who hurt me, and had no understanding of what it is like. I will share with you what I did.<br />
I too am a Christian. My beliefs were it is wrong for me to "committ adultery" Easy to say and live when you are starving to death for love and affection.....right..... What is someone starving to death for love and affection not to mention sexual fulfillement supposed to think on and desire? No one in church ever taught me that. Their answer was just trust God and he will help you through it all. I got news for all of that, I was still starving to death for love and affection and sexual fulfillment.<br />
I never did turn to alcohol, but I like you became a wreck. The lack of sex and affection made me bitter, and to be totally honest a jerk. She broke my self esteem through her constant rejection, and I began to hate everyone, expecially women. I just got tired of living that way.<br />
Well, I first, got my relationship back right with my God. I had to learn, sex and affection are born in us, and was it was never intended to go unfulfilled, but it was not God that was witholding, it was my wife. I was sick of this ruling my life. I was a slave to hate and rejection.<br />
I went out and got my hair restyled, bought me some new clothes, and came home and cleaned up. I lost weight, and decided I had been broken long enough. I had enough problems without my adding to them. I did not respect myself.<br />
I decided that this would no longer rule my life. I started becoming imaculate in dress and hygene, started involving myself in other things, sadly she was not involved in, and started meeting new people.<br />
I just had enough.<br />
I have not had an affair, not because I do not want to, but I do not need more problems. I can not tell you I will not. But we can not live and enjoy life with this ruling us. I just live one day at a time.<br />
<br />
Am I still frustrated.......yes. Am I still starving to death for love, attention, and a state of sexual satisfaction. Absolutely. <br />
But, I now control it, it does not control me. (most days) If she does not want me, there are others who want my friendship.....they do not replace, but do help my lack and need. To me it is nice to know one of my female friends desires me and would welcome fulfilling me.<br />
My words to you, would be get up, go get your hair done, buy you some nice sexy clothes, dress up and put on some nice smelling perfume, and get out of the state you are in. If you keep on, you are going to be the loser. You will live a broken rejected life and no one will desire you and above all, you will begin to hate yourself.<br />
Learn to be around other men and be glad someone else does desire you. You can at least know, you are not unattractive and not desired. You do not have so sleep with them.<br />
Make up your mind to live again, becaue as it is now, you are dying, and missing on the precious thing called life. It is so short.<br />
You have to make up your mind to rise above it. Make up your mind whether you can live in it or not....but come on girl, get out of your state and live again.<br />
I had to make a choice, and I did, and I am so glad I did. I am unfulfilled, but have learned more on how to cope with it.<br />
I am going to outlive her, and meet another lady who wants me and will wear me out! I want the last laugh.<br />
All of this I hope will give you just that. Hope. Please do something before it is too late. There is not a solution, but you can learn to live in it. Make a decison.<br />
Mike