Another Added to the List

Wow, I felt like I was the only one. First I am sorry for all the rest of you. It sure is frustrating.

I have been married to my wife 37 years. I am 55 and she is 57.  As with many marriages, our marriage started out fine.  Over the years, her desire has dwindled to now of once every 3 to 4 months or more. 

Being a male, I know this is a reversal, but I am a hopless romantic and love long times of foreplay.  To make a long story short, when the 4 months rolls around, and she wants the big O, she wants no foreplay, kissing, etc......just for me to make her climax.  Once she does reach hers, which is no more than 15 to 20 seconds, that is all she wants. She hates penetration, so I usually get the cold hand treatment. If I do get to penetrate, all I hear is how much longer is this going to last? Hurry up and GET THIS OVER WITH. The last 4 words is the whole of the matter.  I have to admit, I have no desire for that type of sex. I have come to a place that I do not even try anymore, as it is so unfulfilling for me.

I do have to put in here, I have always worked and provided our financial needs, I help her in the house, buy her gifts, treat her like a queen, I am a very clean person hygene wise, not overweight....I have tried, begged, pleaded for counselling, or for communication. I get from a big no to there is nothing wrong.

I love my wife, and I vowed "for better or worse" and have no plans on leaving her. I know I will get bashed for that statement. I love her enough to endure my lack of sexual needs.  I am sure, I have some faults too.

My state of mind is agony all the time.  I want to make love with a woman, not just sex. I am starved to death for affection. To have a woman who would want me and desire me is a constant thought.  At this time, I have not had an affair. I am not looking for one. I can not say I will never. It stays on my mind constantly to have an affair with a lady who is in my shoes. It has not happened, I will not say it will not.  I want to love the lady I am with. Sounds silly I guess, but I want more than sex. I do not think you can seperate the two and be totally fulfilled. It takes love with sex. Can you truly love two women? I do not know. I constantly fantasize of a lady who knows and understands and in my situation, and having a long term affair with her, and then realize, it is all a fantasy.  That just does not exist. It does help some of the lonely nights though.

I have accepted the fact of my sexless life. I just have to live it one day at a time. When I go out, and see other women, I have to fight the urge not to desire them.  In my relationships with other ladies at work or play, I fight a constant battle.

I do not have an answer.  We have been sexless for 20 years.  She is happy.  I love her and am happy except for the lack of love and sexual affection. I just deal with it, and make no plans or excuses. I am a 55 year old man who thinks he is not wanted, has to take care of his own needs, been turned down more than a bedspread, and totally in sexual agony. 20+ years of rejection and unfulfillment will break you after a while or it did me. I have little to no confidence when it comes to women now.

All I can tell you is it hurts. I have no friends to talk to about this, and when I do, they just tell me to go "get me some somewhere else". Unless you live in it, no one knows.

So what do I do?  I just deal with it today, and do not think of tomorrow. It is the only way I know to handle it.  I work a lot and stay busy to keep my mind off of making love. And I refuse to let it make me bitter in our relationship....which is the biggest battle I face. I try not to let this rule my life as it did for years.  Some days, I handle it well, and other days, not so good.

I am a survivor and will win. Life is too good. I will have my day.  I will find the fulfillment I crave. I just know and feel that.

So after all of that, some of you know and understand, some do not. I think I should have left years ago, but love is a strange emotion.  I kept holding on and hoping things will change. I am not getting any younger, but I just keep going on. The rest of our life makes up for some of the lack in our relationship, but not all.

After reading all of my statements, it all sounds kind of stupid, but that is my expeirence as truthful as I know to make it.

Just do what you think is right and if you are hanging in there, I am with you and you are not alone. 

I will just hang around another day and see what happens. I sure wish it were different.

Living it.


sxad247 sxad247
51-55, M
13 Responses Jun 3, 2007

I know how rejection feels-it hurts and your self-esteem takes a beating. I know my husband loves me but we do not engage in any sex or even affection. We sleep in seperate rooms but even when we slept together, there was no intimacy. This has been going on too long (over 10 years) but I, like you, do not know what to do. We tried seeing a marriage counselor and it didn't work. Often times I want to make the first move, but then I am afraid of the rejection AGAIN.

Here's a thought from left field.... Have you ever thought that theres is something "dark" in her past? Could be that she has more emotional baggage than you know about. Maybe she hasn't dealt with it and it's causing intimacy issues!!<br />
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Just a thought...

Keep your head up and trust in God.

I am in the same circumstance.....married 30 years and no sex for the last 4-5. I feel so alone and lonely. I feel like my life is passing by and I need more!

Wow, props to you man. Your wife obviously doesn't realize what a great guy she has. I dunno, I'm only 23, married with no children, so I'm not sure how compelled you are to stay with her. Are you staying with her because you love her or because you are compelled by some religion?

Your situation sounds almost exactly like mine. Long term marriage without sex or any form of physical contact. I know how much it hurts to need love and companionship but to be constantly refused. I get more hugs from friends than from my wife. It is emotional death. I know that in order to survive we shut down emotionally but that is an awful way to live. I often wonder what is wrong with me that I continue to endure this situation.

I have been in a sexless and emotionless marriage for over 10 years. On our wedding day, my husband rejected me -- our marriage has never been consumated. I cannot believe what more than 10 years of rejection has done to my self esteem. I feel like a worm in the dirt. I would neve have believed that I would end up this way. I don't have any hope for life any more. I am a professional woman -- my husband is a loser -- when our marriage was not consumated, I was so ashamed that I didn't file for an annulment right away. I wish I had -- now, it is too late for an annulment in CA. I am devastated. I have ZERO self-esteem. I have lost more than $300,000 in assets. It feels so hopeless . . .

I care and love my wife to death I def understand and am worried about this direction as time continues to go ooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnn...

I so understand, my husband is just not interested. My feelings are similar to yours. Glad to know I'm not alone. Although, I think there are many more men than women in this situation. To be with a man who is not interested is so bizare. Men have a reputation of thinking of sex constantly, not my husband. In fact he avoids the topic at all cost. I, like you have thought about alternatives, but could not live with myself. I now know why people have affairs, they are lacking at home. Keep the faith.

I know exactly what you mean about the romance part of the relationship. Who knows why she doesn't see that foreplay and intimacy whether or not it leads to actual intercourse is a precious part of sharing your lives with one another. My husband doesn't get it either. I, too, contemplated having a "fling"...but you have to be very careful entertaining thougths like that. The mind is a playground for idle thinking, fantasizing, etc. Once you go too far and entertain these thougths too long and hard, the damage can often already be done. I've tried and tried to talk to my husband over the years to explain to him that I just want (desire) for him to desire me as he used to so many years ago. I just want to be close to him, and physical intimacy is the closest I can get to him. I appreciate your obvious respect for your wife and your marriage. Please think very hard before you cross the line into adultery. Do not cheat yourself by having an affair that will not really fulfill you anyway - especially if you are wishing all the while that it is your wife that you really desire and not this other person who fills an empty space for a few moments. I know my husband loves me - he shows me in so many other ways - but I would gladly give up the other ways for some intimacy with him. To be held, kissed and cuddled sometimes overpowers my thoughts. What would it be like to truly be "adored" by someone. My husband and I laugh together and enjoy other things together...but the physical intimacy is completely gone and has been for too many years to count. I pray you can find some peace in your marriage and that your wife will wake up and see what she has and how fortunate she is to be loved by you. The only advice I can give you is to not ignore the issue of intimacy or lack thereof. Explain to her that you want to be with her - that's it's not just a physical thing for you. Tell her how much it hurts you when she berates you by saying hurtful things like "hurry up and get it over with". That is so disrepectful to you as her husband and as a man. I'm sure she would not appreciate hearing a similar comment concerning something that means a great deal to her. I have struggled for so many years with guilt about having such strong sexual feelings when apparently my husband does not have the same feelings. I've asked him on more than one occasion about what am I supposed to do with the feelings I have...I'm only in my early 40s...what am I supposed to do? He never answers me and quickly as possible changes the subject. I wish you the absolute best as you strive to do the right thing for you personally and for your marriage.

A good marriage needs spirtual, emotional and physical intimacy. It sounds likeyou already know what the answer is for you. Move forward: your needs are not selfish.

you did not mention children. if there are none, why stay ? life is not a dress rehersal. today is gone. if there are no children, you are only hurting yourself.

I know what you are going threw I to am in a sexless relationship, he says he had no interest in sex and I am so lonely maybe we can talk it might help , I would like to know how you handle this I am about to give up on everything