Maybe It Really Is Ed In My Husband's Case..

Maybe someone out there can comment on this:  I posted 2 previous stories on my suddenly sexless marriage, "Suddenly he won't Touch me", and "I think He has Checked out of our Marriage."  But I am beginning to wonder if my partner isn't in fact suffering from physical ED.  Maybe you guys out there can answer this.  How normal is it that a 39 yr old doesn't have morning "wood" anymore??  He always used to wake up so stiff that going to the bathroom was near impossible.  And we often had sex in the mornings due to that.  Now, he hides himself from me by wearing loose boxer type shorts to bed, doesn't ever let me near him while we are sleeping, sleeps with a pillow hugged tight against himself almost so that I can't ever feel his genitalia or curl next to him at night, and is very shy about changing before and after the shower so that I can never look and admire that part of his body (which I love).  Because of this withdrawal from me at night, I can't know if he is having night time erections either, which he also always had previously.  And I don't hear him ************ ever at night (God knows I would help if I did).  But even through those baggy shorts in the morning I am quite sure I would see a tent pitched if it was like the ones he used to have.  I might also note that he is a chronic pot smoker, from morning to night, and also smokes a little bit of cigarettes.  He is not overweight though, very slim.    I wonder if this turn of events in our relationship hasn't in fact sprung from a physical cause,  amplified itself in emotional ways, and he has found it easier to blame me rather than deal with what must seem like aging and a big blow to self esteem.  Any thoughts?  I feel so bad if I get forced away from him ( basically he wants me to leave him and go back to the US) for a problem which I could be understanding about and help him with. Any word from the men out there?  Thanks, everyone...
anniecoyote anniecoyote
46-50, F
28 Responses Jun 7, 2007

Is he going through anything stressful, or does he have a family history of high blood pressure? Both can cause ED, and I went through a 3 month period in my early twenties where I was so stressed I couldn't remain hard enough for sex for more than 5 minutes, no matter how much I wanted to. Trust me, that can cause a whole host of confidence/avoidance issues.

Sometimes around 35-40 your testosterone dips and you loose your "morning wood"as you put it. He may be nervous or shy about not being able to be aroused? I went through that drop at a fairly early age in life. It sucks! I have been on injections and feel so much better. You can even get that erection in the morning again. Smoking pot a lot doesn't help either. It is a touchy subject for men. hopefully he will talk with you and maybe agree to have his testosterone level checked. Viagra and Cialis do work. I use both sometimes.

You have the sense to end the relationship when you know the ships sinking and will never rise again (meaning his desire for you) to drag it on is soul wrenching and share emotional suicide. Goodluck on your future 50yrs isn't to old to start again.

I am an ED suffer but I certainly get hard in the morning and love morning sex. You said you had sex a few weeks ago and finished with a "big gulp" in your mouth so I don't think he is cheating on you. Maybe he is just going through a very difficult emotional time. I would say to focus on your physical and emotion state and make sure that you are able to satisfy your needs. <br />
<br />
Hope it works out for you.<br />
<br />
Wood in the morning- Dell

It sounds like your husband indeed suffers from ED. The morning softness confirms it. Get him to a doctor, as soon as you can. As you know there is viagra. Good Luck, Tommie

I'm new at this but here goes...maybe he is withdrawing because he is depressed...with his job (does he work), with his salary...with the people he works with...with his life in general. Guys go through mood swings also and when women do, they don't want sex. Watch him. Don't leave, he may be suicidal. <br />
--stay

yeah i agree with the last two posters. to keep your own sanity you really need to find out if it is an affair or if its physical. an affair would be more likely if other things have changed also like his schedule etc. more secretive and distant etc. did you say in an earlier response that you moved and you did find out he was cheating? if so disregard everything i said and move on. if he is cheating that is something just not acceptable.

Sorry to suggest this, but a suddenly sexless marriage may mean he is going elsewhere and getting it. Or maybe there is a medical problem he is ashamed of. Have you noticed if his routine has changed, anything other than this that is odd? Longer hours at work? How is the communication, and the spending time together (besides sex)? Is everything else normal besides the sudden stop in sex? Try to seduce him, go the whole 9 yards and do his favorite things. See if that helps.

Sorry to hear it isn't working out in the way of sex. The only advice I can think to give is seek marriage counseling.

If it helps you are not alone. <br />
My husband has been rejecting me for so long now I dont know when it started. Like your partner my hubby no longer gets a stiffy in the morning either but atleast he will allow me to cuddle him at night - but he never really cuddles into me. If i am cuddling him and my hand wanders down there - nothing happens. This lack of reaction has left me feeling unloved, unwanted, ugly, worthless and possessing real self doubt. <br />
I have given up trying to get a reaction down there, i have tried underware, phone sex, role playing, message,toys, fantasies - everything. He even put the telly on and changed channels whilst I was down on him. This caused a stinker of a row and he honestly did not know why I was upset!<br />
I am trying to accept the fact that I dont ring my hubbies bells anymore. I dont know what does but i suspect he may have homosexual tendancies. We have been together for 17 years and I am at the stage of throwing in the towel. I dont know if I can go on in a loveless, sexless marriage - I know I deserve better - and if hubby is not the one - then perhaps I just have to admit that to myself and move on. Maybe thats what you have to decide also.

sounds to me that he's either not touching you because he's not the same guy spiritually or somebody busted him for kinky activities on the psychic plain and now your sleeping with an imposter, take a good look at lover boy and remember the movie invasion of the body snatchers hmmm?

sounds to me that he's either not touching you because he's not the same guy spiritually or somebody busted him for kinky activities on the psychic plain and now your sleeping with an imposter, take a good look at lover boy and remember the movie invasion of the body snatchers hmmm?

its not the pot, he is getting it elsewhere, trust me. men do not give up sex without a lot of help, i am personally at 5 years of no sex, my partner has become my roommate, we lost a child in 94 and she has never been the same since, told me to find someone else to have sex with, i didn't , but six months later i did, when she found out she got mad and her ego has been in the way ever since, we get along great just no sex, im on the couch(ITS COMFORTABLE) FOR THE LAST 4-5 years, i still love her , been with her 21 years and the sex was fantastic, she is ten years older so she has always played that card(you don't know what i know card), anyway i only was with this other person short time , because they were not a good person, my ex is a very wonderful person, she still puts up with me, I would love to have sex in life but unlike most males i lack the "sport **** gene". anyway i tell you this to let you know i "take care of myself" every day, almost without fail, i still want sex alot, but out of respect to my lost love I don't , i miss it alot, wish i had that damn gene, I no longer smoke pot but i did daily for twenty years and it never interfered with our sex life, never.

i can not believe i am saying this. but i am only 21 years old my hubby is only 23 I LOVE SEX love it crave it all day. i have a very high sex drive. and my hubby use to and all the sudden his was gone. i have begged him for it at night and he just says he is tired puts his arm over me and goes to sleep. and all i can think about is i would love to have his hands.. well you get the picture. he is with me all the time so i know there is no one else but i dont know what else it is

I am not a man, but I have some thoughts for you to consider. First of all, if he smokes a lot of pot, it could be affecting him and his ability to get an erection. Second, could he possibly be having an affair? I know that is not what you wanted to hear and I hope its the pot, but an affair is another possibility.Maybe you can confront him about the pot smoking and/or an affair. I hope everything works out okay for you.

Im in the same situation,not even allowed to look at that part of his body,He doesnt want me to leave though ,not sure whats going on but I sure do know whats not going on.

We live in a world of excess and deprivation and it seems so many marriages are like that. One wants more and the other is so unconscious, doesn't even see the problem. <br />
So I am in the same boat and asked for counselling but she said we didnt' need it and I should just pleasure myself. Well, maybe that helps some but what I really miss is really good deep kisses, slow affectionate and massaging the neck and shoulders. Not necessarily leading to more but sharing the closeness. Even if you have ED you can still kiss and be very affectionate. Besides with ED you can almost always treat it with Viagra or Cialis. Funny how pot puts many in the mood when used sparingly but when used all the time creates a more emotionless stoner. <br />
Thanks for sharing your story. Nice to know so many are in the same boat.

Fortunately, all my hits online have been men 25-30. I talk to them because I don't have any dating experience, and I want to be divorced next year, so I use them to practice flirting, so I won't be so naive when I finally get a chance to meet a man.<br />
<br />
I am 43 years old, but everyone I meets me thinks I'm 32, which feels awesome when I'm out of the house and these young men can't stop smiling at me! I don't feel my age either, and I don't want to! But being in this dead marriage is killing me, and I fear I will be stepping into the old hag syndrome very soon.<br />
<br />
I'm so sorry you will have to leave him, but on the brighter side, he was approaching 40, and just think of all the hot early 30's out there who are tired of the lap dancers who are only good for sex, and can't hold a decent conversation cause their thongs are chafing the crack on their bony asss! <br />
<br />
Anyhow, I have told my cyber boyfriend that if we should ever meet, and it would be a wonderful dream come true, that I would only expect 10 years from him, and then I would freely let him go. He's only 25 and incredibly sweet, if I had met him in real life I never would have began this relationship. But most definitely, I would be so happy with 10 years filled with love with this sweet young man.<br />
<br />
I honestly don't think I want to get married again, I have spent too much time with just one man, but I know I can't sleep around either.<br />
<br />
Anyhow, it would be so cool if we could get together and go clubbing one day, ah la "Sex in the City!" lol<br />
<br />
I'm joking of course, until I'm divorced, I'm a prisoner in his house.<br />
<br />
Also, I only chat with men from overseas on an international chat room, I will not chat with men from the US, they tend to be much younger from other countries, and they have a wonderful old world charm.

Thanks crimson Tears, but the truth of the matter is, I found out that he is ***king someone else, so the the initial response to my very first story hit the nail on the head. When I look back, I see all the signs, that I believe prior to even marrying that he has been dabbling around and then just got tired and bored of me and needed some strange. I have incercepted some stuff recently that tell me I was right. We have been apart for the better part of this year. I left permanently in June. But I am with you about the younger man thing. I get all these online hits from guys between 50-60, and I see the pictures and I swear they all look like my father. It's SO Depressing. I am 50, but most people believe I am 35 or late 30s. And mostly I fell and act that as well. As for going out to clubs with the husband...we were party city. We lived in Colombia. Come on...what do you think we did a lot of?? And dancing and clubs are big time. But all the chicks are hot, young and totally without mercy. So he can have his pick as long as they think he has money or something. Which he doesn't since I left.

I think you might be on the right track about the age thing. If he is 10 years younger and about to turn 40, he must be wondering if he can still attract a 20-30 year old. Which I'm sure he can cause it seems these days 20-30 year old females have lost all their inhibitions....the ones we were brought up with. I see these young women crawl all over men after just having met them, and here I am 25 years later still trying to make and keep eye contact.<br />
<br />
I would suggest going out with him to clubs and such, make him feel more like a boyfriend and less than a husband. It could be what he is missing in this relationship. He does love you or he wouldn't be with you.<br />
<br />
My cyber boyfriend is 25 years old, and I'm 43, he tells me it's no problem, that he likes older women because of the more mature intellectual level. But over the past 2 years of only knowing him online, I know he seeks out younger women just "for the fun of it"<br />
<br />
I don't think I will ever meet him in person btw, but I do know one thing. Unless I were to meet an exceptional man, I don't think I could ever date or marry an older man, well date...maybe! lol

thanks spongewrthy. I had a child with my first husband, not with this one. So he hasn't seen anything like that. He has no children, and doesn't want any. I would think he would have a morning hard-on at least and not be able to suppress that by sheer force of will. And normal good health indicates that a male should have nocturnal erections. Who knows....But I am not living with him now, and that one bit of action was all I had since maybe March. I wish you well with your wife, don't know what to say to make her be interested.

Annie<br />
At 46 I still get wood in the middle of the night so the EDthing may not be at issue,you also mentioned that you got some action a few weeks ago...(lucky you!)<br />
I have a spouse that sleeps with the body pillow she used during pregnancy...do you have kids? did he see them delivered sometimes the "viewing" of all that can mess with a guys head and make them less interested in sex...<br />
Now what do I have to do to get my wife to more interested I am at wits end

I'm 48 and am hard often. Morning I can usually have sex with my wife and still ********** twice before going to work. I can get it up at night too. <br />
If my wife would cooperate we could try more.

Thanks jln99. I am not totally sure of the rift either. I have enough experience in a previous marriage to know that things wax and wane, there are obstacles in the road and that's to be expected. But this man doesn't seem to want to fight for the relationship, has decided that he doesn't want or need therapy, that we have come to an "agreement" because of a previous talk we had. I don't feel satisfied, but apparently he is with that outcome. And I can't force it with him, he just gets exasperated. Truly I think it is the age difference, and now that I am 50, looking not like a young girl anymore, he wants out and can't look ahead to me being older. Although, I look damn good for my age and no-one would guess it. But whatever. I think he fears his approaching 40th, and wants to hang with the 20 and 30 somethings, and probably get some fresh ***, continue smoking pot and believe that "life is just one" and only self enjoyment should be pursued. Pretty selfish. Oh well.

Thanks youngandsexless...I know he is not interested in the marriage and I am getting out for my sanity. However, we are together all the time, live in a smallish town, and I am not sure he has had an affair. A male friend who was visiting and knows our situation pretty much repeated that sense to me. But whatever, it doesn't matter what is or isn't anymore because I am leaving to start my life over, have a little fun on the way in Costa Rica, and maybe someday I will meet someone who I can fall in love with again and who will be a true partner. If not, I have friends and a wonderful son. I don't regret our good times together, although this last year of pain has nearly erased a lot of it from my memory. Too bad for that.

anniecoyote, I am sorry, but while it might be ED, that seems unlikely in your case. I think you are trying to find excuses and I am not judging you, it is human to avoid the reality. I think in this case it is not the case of loving husband, but just a friend, low libido partner. This case is that well he is just withdrawing from you because he is having an affair and perhaps want out, he is not interested in the marriage, etc. I hope you the best luck anniecoyote but any advice we can give to you wont be really helpful if you want to believe what you want to believe. You are the one who has to confront him and look the truth in his eyes and if his eyes and words are telling the same thing. I am from Southamerica and I am sorry but I know very few 39 year old men from there who have ED and wont do nothing ASAP about it. What I know that southamerican man are good in keeping 2 or 3 woman at the same time and keep telling excuses. Enough said. You are a grown up I am sure you can differentiate lie from truth and I really hope you the best. At your age you should be certain about the man you are in love with and able to communicate perfectly and I really hope that for you. Hugs

Thanks sasxiv...of course he is withdrawing. I have seen his penis, looks fine. We actually had sex about 2 or 3 weeks ago, some penetration and I finished with the mouth and the big gulp!! But it wasn't meant for my satisfaction, as much as I loved it. I just think the morning wood will be pretty hard to hide, and have read that even if a person has abandoned the relationship they will still have these physical events. Well, I wish I had someone next to me with your, uh, "problem"...god how I wish ...This is a first in my life and in any relationship and has me really stumped.

It sounds like he has withdrawn from you. Examples of avoiding physical contact, etc. When was the last time you actually saw his penis? Did it look the same to you (no obvious changes). while ED is a possibility, it would seem to me that there is another reason why he is 'hiding' from you. FYI - I'm 44 and still get morning wood and wood through out the night (and day) and night again - and then in the morning......sigh.....