Four Years Into This and Considering Divorce

My marriage lost all passion basically the day the rings went on.  I listened to him tell me he would change over and over during most of our marriage.  He is a wonderful man and my best friend in the world.  I do love him, but the only time there is any intimacy, is when I get upset about it.  He just gives in and it is terrible.

I recently told him that he needed to take some time to decide what he wants and how he feels about me and the marriage.  He has refused counseling many times over, so that is out.  He cannot tell me what the issue is, and he says he is extremely attracted to me and loves me very much.  He mentioned that part of the problem was we never had a babysitter (I have a child from a previous relationship).  So, I hired one for Friday evenings.  We will go out to dinner, come home and go to SLEEP.  He tells me things like "please stop" if i try to touch him at times.

His solution has always been to give in when I am upset.  Very rarely do we do anything outside of that circumstance. 

I am 30, thin, and have been told by other men that I am very nice to look at.  I have spent the last 3 years trying to do everything i can think of to get him interested and nothing works.  I do not want to go through yet another divorce.

Oh wait, the kicker.  If that weren't bad enough, my husband will not flirt with me at all ever.  I found e-mails while he was on a business trip last year of him flirting with a co-worker.  He says it was just a joke, but I feel that he should have been talking to me that way.  (This was not just a funny flirty comment..this was an all-day e-mail going back and fourth and making plans for that night if one or the other could not sleep).  It wasn't very funny to me.

Any opinion would be greatly appreciated.  I keep looking for a glimmer of hope, but i can't seem to find one.

MG2008 MG2008
26-30, F
5 Responses Sep 12, 2008

Me too - same boat - 32 yrs, slim, attractive and blah...<br />
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I am in depression these days and very down - excuse any incoherent writing.<br />
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My husband is the only person I have been with sexually and that makes it even more painful - as I am wondering if I will eventually go through life without ever experiencing what it feels to make love to a man who desires me...<br />
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I have other issues too, he is verbally and rarely even physically abusive. I have truly tried everything - lingirie, the psychological tricks(!), romantic atmoshpere....talking to him and trying to 'fix' whatever he gave as an excuse.<br />
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I have now after 8 years of marriage realised they were really only excuses - as each 'issue' was fixed (mattress didn't feel right or he preferred loose night gowns to lingirie, or a headache, or the fact that I didn't always do the cooking or that I was too thin or that our bed (Super King size) was too small, or that he was too tired) new excuses came in - I tried everything reaching the point of completely managing the household and a full time job and even evening college at the same time - even if it meant sleeping 2-3 hours per night. I was somehow always ready for him, dressed up at his bed time to consider - but he rejected violently even :'(.<br />
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I ready so much on seduction etc, that if I do ever divorce and re-marry or have a boy friend (normal one that is) he is going to be absolutely wowed over with the sex he gets!!!! <br />
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We have two kids which bring a dimension that make it very difficult to end the marriage. Although, I have more than 'sexless' as the reason.<br />
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Ladies (& gents), life is short - I think every 'older' poster has regretted not leaving earlier and seem to be in tremendous pain about a life unlived. We should be taking our cues from them.<br />
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Sexual mismatch couples will only cause a lot of pain to each other. I read somewhere, its true sex isnt everything - but the same they say for money - however when there's not enough money to put food on the table, it does become everything and the same applies to sex - if even basic needs are not being fulfiled - it completley consumes the deprived partner.

why are you asking when you know the answer look i lived though 40 years of sexless its mentally draining nad changes your person please dont become a dreamer love yourself enough to know you deserve more in this life have fun it so hard with just liveing without the passion its easy for someone else to say but take the first steps there is someone looking for you who will love you just as you can love

I don't think he is having an affair. You are young so go for it if he does not want to change. My first marriage, I went to counseling and my counselor asked where my husband was. I told them he refuses to come. The counselor told me to divorce him that any husband that won't go to counseling does not want to work on the marriage, and I should leave him. So I did. I have no regrets.

Did he ever initiate sex before the wedding? Maybe he has some kind of complex about tarnishing the virtue of his wife? Or maybe he's gay and just now is realizing/exploring it? Or maybe he really likes fat chicks better? Possibly having trouble with erections and is embarrassed about it? I'm obviously being no help here as you must have already considered these possibilities. But if he refuses counseling, and he just placates you without actually trying to make it better, how is he a wonderful man? Give-in sex is terrible for both partners. I'm sorry.

I have no idea. Guilt? Hope that he will change? I am only 30 and I have been wasting my time. I wanted to have more children, but I know that will not happen if I stay here. I make great money on my own, and I have really been asking myself what am I waiting for?