Marriage Is Complete Joke

I am so happy to see this section! I can not believe how many people are living in the same situation as me. I have been married for 6 years and two small children. I can count the number of times I have had sex with my husband. Actually, when I was in college, I had a two year relationship with a young man. We made love for 9 months in that relationship. I had more sex in 9 months than in 6 years!!! The sex was mind blowing and an event we looked forward to everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. I can honestly say that the connection and intimacy and love we shared was something so wonderful. I promised myself that I would work my best to have that same relationship in my marriage. I waited a long time to find, what I thought, was the right person. Instead of going along with the valueless society and live together before marriage, I waited to move in after we were married. Well, my friends, my husband is asexual. He doesn't ********** and is not having an affair. We have gone 7-8 months without any form of sex. When I brought it up over and over again, he rejected me over and over.

He then decided that not touching me after I got pregnant with my daughter (we did it once and I got pregnant), was for the babies benefit and protection. My desire to be even more intimate with him during pregnancy, was met with complete rejection.

I have men telling me how attractive I am all the time. I was one who dated lots of men and never was hard up for a date. I never had a man NOT WANT sex. EVER!!! The joke is on me I guess.

I am staying until my financials get better and my two girls are a little older and settled in school. I have fallen out of live for my husband and I no longer consider him my best friend. The funniest part is, he thinks that "this is the way" it is supposed to be. He was raised by a fridgid mother who is an ice queen. The ongoing joke is that his father got cut off from sex 20 years ago!!!

All I can say is, it is not normal. It hurts to deny your spouse loving intimacy. It hurts them physically, emotionally and spritually. Sex is such a beautiful hting between two loving people. Why would anyone enter into marriage and do without this? Why would you marry someone if you do not want to have a sexual relationship with them?

MarriedToAJoke MarriedToAJoke
8 Responses Sep 23, 2008

My parent's marraige was essentially like this as well. I am almost certain that their marriage was sexless for the last 10 years they were together. <br />
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My mother came from a very strict and traditional background. My parents procreated, and after that point, stop having sex. I don't know what caused this - I was still very young at the time. But I know that my father slept in a seperate bed, in a seperate room, for many, many years. <br />
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Eventually, this drove my father to alcoholism - or at least made his drinking problem worse. My parents eventually divorced. My father eventually committed suicide. And my mother worked herself to death'd doorstep, trying to support 2 children on 1 measely paycheck. She died a premature death, due to the various stress-related illnesses. My sister was committed to a mental institution, as a result of all the trauma in her life. Bottom line: everyone in the family suffered. <br />
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This arrangement can be extremely dangerous, as I have stated previously in the forum. If the problem cannot be fixed, or coped with, then it can lead to a series of self-destructive behaviors. So finding counseling at this point is so critical for you at this point, MarriedtoaJoke - not just for your sex life, but to your life, period.

Yeah, that's the ongoing joke in my husband's family too. Funny how he's turned our marriage into like his parents. Except - I loved sex and his pyschological issues have sabatoged our sex life making him the ice king. He's ok with this arrangement b/c it's what he views as what a normal marriage is. Pretty f'd up!

Being cut off from sex for 20 years is not unusual. I was cut off 14 years ago. If I live for another 6 years, then I will be cut off for 20 years. I have seen posts from other members of this group, who have endured longer periods than even this. <br />
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I suspect the following. Your husband believes that the purpose for sex is procreation. He has already done this, since you have conceived a child from him. Now that this task is complete, he has moved on in his life. Many people give up on sex completely, once the necessity of procreation is complete. <br />
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(I believe this is true for many people who deny sex. They do it because they believe sex to be a procreative act, not a pleasurable one. This is probably true of people from traditional cultures. It is not always due to self-centered or narcissistic reasons, but due to their belief system.) <br />
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I would still strongly recommend that you seek counseling with your husband, before you take the drastic step of ending your marriage. Perhaps your husband can get a new meaning sexual relations, through this counseling. If he is confronted with this option, or divorce, he may relent this time. <br />
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Perhaps your marriage can still be saved. Otherwise, you will be faced with the daunting task of raising a child as a single mother. I watched my mother go through this experience, and it was very, very difficult on her. It effectively drove her to an early grave.

MTAJ,<br />
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I have a question: after your experience with your husband does living together with someone before marriage have any value now?<br />
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I just wonder if this has changed your values & outlook on things. Please don't get me wrong, we lived together for years, before we got married. sex tapered off any way.

Nothing hurts worse than being rejected by the one person you thought you could count on. Good sex is supposed to start with marraige not end with it! Good luck.

Yes!!! one can only hope.

Thanks for all of your comments. Indeed, I have tried to convince my husband to talk, go to therapy with me or even just read the kama Sutra :0) With no luck, I am convinced that my only true option is divorce. With any luck, I plan on meeting a passionate lover once I am single. One can only hope !

Sympathy from someone in just about the same situation.