Tired of Crying and Waiting

I have been with my hisband for almost 15 yrs. (married for almost 5 yrs).  I am at wits end. I am 31 and I have not had sex in almost 4 years. I am a wife, a mother, I have a job and I attend college.  My husband is on prescription methadone that leaves him impotent. And he gets mad and upset anytime I try to discuss my needs with him. I have remained faithful to him. But it is painful mentally emotionally. We have 1 child. And I cry alone almost every night because I dont want to upset my child. If my husband sees me crying he asks me what is wrong and if I answer him honestly he gets upset and we wind up fighting or he "goes to bed".  I understand that not being able to get an errection makes him feel like less of a man. But not having sex makes me feel unloved, unwanted, and so lonely. He says he loves me and I know I love him. I told him how it makes me feel, I have asked him to go to a doctor. He tells me if I loved him I would not press the issue.  I am tired of crying when I see a perfume commerical, I cant watch the happy romantic comedy movies without feeling terrible. My heart literaly feels like it is cramping into a fist when I try to hold back the emotion. It is nice to see that I am not alone, that helps a little.
sadnlonley sadnlonley
31-35, F
14 Responses Jun 13, 2007

If you want to stay with him, I would suggest getting toys to help you ******, or finding a partner with no strings attached. You as a person, cannot cheat yourself out of enjoying life or your sexuality because he cannot perform. I understand that he is on meds that prevent him from performing, but you still need satisfaction also. I don't understand why he wouldn't want you happy in the bedroom, even if his meds prevent him from actual intercourse. He can still play with you, eat you, stimulate you with his fingers, mouth, toys, and any other objects that might be handy. I lived in a sexless marriage also, but finally left. Yes, I still love her, but I needed fulfillment also and couldn't continue with how I was living.

True Openhonestnudist... There could be more than that meeting the eyes...

if you would like to tall more, I am here for you if need be

What he said!

Empathise... but dont do something that would make you regret in future... the urge for sex is often a variable one... Its important to realize that.

lets chat you answered me

you and i MUST chat i,as a married man would give the world to have a wife like you . I have the exact same problem ,wife stopped any kind of sex 14 years ago, i am broken hearted and if i try to talk to her as to why always a fight. i have not even seen her breas-ts in years. Some men are cruel and have no feelings for others. Sex is a loving and great way to keep that
special bond.I know you truly love him but you cant go on like this, you may cheat if future just to feel wanted again. I know for a fact it is easier to tell a complete stranger with the same issues so by you and i chat we private chat we will feel fulfilled in that we know someone cares enough to try to help. please add me to your friends circle and i will allow you in mine. WE MUST CHAT ABOUT OUR ISSUES OR YOU MAY NOT HAVE A FAMILY IN THE FUTURE. MAY GOD HELP YOU AND ME!!!!!

How long has he been on methadone? What's the predicted period of time when he'll no longer need it?
At some point he must surely know that the idea is to wean him off it.
Maybe then his libido will return.
Talk to your doctor about the nature of methadone and if they know what the predicted recovery rate is.
If they tell you anything other than a few months, maybe time to have a heart to heart with hubby and say until you are clean, I need to live my own life.

Hi, you are with someone that as long as he is on the program, he is still thinking the way and addict thinks. He needs help, and quite frankly, staying with him you will need to submit to his continued selfishness. That means living without one of a Human Beings needs being met. All animals have a sex drive so they will procreate. It is a natural instinct.

That said, maybe get with some ala noyn folks to give you an understanding of how to live with an addict and to know when it is time to pull the plug. No doubt from this recovered alcoholic addict that he is not interested in getting off the methadone, at least to the point where he actively works with the docs' to to finally free himself where he can once again be growing along side of you. There is a site called intherooms.com, and they have many different groups of folks suffering through a variety addictions and those the addicted are involved with. There is also a good bit of information that enlightens those seeking an understanding. I hope you give it a shot, and then make a decision that will be best for you and your child. Best wishes to you and yours.

If he isn't caring of your needs and you plan on staying I suggest you find a FRIEND to help you. Best of Luck

SadnLonely: I agree with reflections, see a therapist forr yourself. Also, I think you should contact his doctor as well and explain the problem to him. He might be able to help your husband both physically and psychologically. Good luck. I probably don't know much, but if you want to contact me, I'll try to help.

You are married .. shared wedding vows<br />
You signed up for a loving intimate marriage <br />
Not a platonic friendship<br />
There are methods to improve his sex drive and erection<br />
An ED specialist will make suggestions that will assist <br />
<br />
Denying and pretendng it is no big deal ... is a cop out<br />
You are way too young to be living a celibrate life<br />
<br />
Please consider a therapist for yourself is he doesn't want to help himself. <br />
You have a child and how is this child going to respond to a life with a mommy and daddy that never show affection or have lovemaking in their life<br />
<br />
Don't live a lie<br />
Come out from under your rock<br />
Get help, get healthy and get happy<br />
Do this for yourself .. you first .. OK?

Hi I am 50 and on the methodone program and you are not alone in what you are going through believe me.Methodone does decrease ones sex drive big time.Men on the program are reluctant to talk about it or admit it and not all perscibing Doctors are up with the play.There is hope though.You were right to ask him to ask the Doctor about it.After a long time of trying to work out what was happening to me(I used to be horny 24/7)I ended up researching decreased sex drive on the internet and when you add methodone into the search,,then you realize how wide spread the problem is.It was a lower testostrone level that turned out to be my problem,so in conjuction with my doc I now get an injection once every two weeks in the butt that puts my testostrone levels back up to normal and my sex drive returned.Show yor husband this letter,I know exctly what he is going through, as I found out a mans confidence and ego is pretty shallow when you have never had a problem getting a hard on before and all of a sudden your **** goes from standing up to watch you shave in the AM to drooping to watch you do up your shoe laces.I would guess your hasband is very aware of how serious this matter is and the possible outcomes ,more pressure.Viagra is anther thing that works .I tried that as well with good results,I hope it is a low testostrone count and it can be fixed that easilyYou sound like a pretty amazing patient faithfull woman to me.I hope this helps

Today in a meeting, I noticed someone casually playing with their wedding ring in exactly the way I used to. My smile fell, it felt like something pulled the air from my lungs. I had to turn away. I stopped wearing my wedding ring years ago, in "retaliation" for when her's was retired to a box somewhere. I gave it back to her, I don't even know where it is now. There is something still there on my finger... a phantom thing, sometimes very, very heavy.

sadnlonely, what seaonschange said, that's so true. The little things that get you, like one day a couple visiting our house and the girlfriend was sitting on her man's lap and they were being so affectionate, it sent me into my room in tears. You see people loving each other and think "why can't he love me" and your heart is bursting because you still do love him, don't want another. This must be terribly painful to you, and can be such a self esteem killer. Yes, it helps to talk, it eases the pain to know you are not alone. One poster wrote "misery shared is misery halved". Let's hope so.

I find myself turning away from love scenes as well. Makes me feel like a prude. It's amazing the little things that bother you when you're facing this.

I am surprised that he is not willing to at least help you satisfy your needs - rather selfish of him. So much he could do for you still, oral, fingers, toys. Have you tried discussing that with him? Have you tried it yourself?