Sexless Marriage With Husband Who Is Not Good In Bed.

My husband and I have not had sex in about a year mostly because I have stopped initiating sex with him. We have only had sex about 30 times in 5 years. He can only have sex when he is completely relaxed and getting lots of stimulation. (sorry if that's too graphic) He doesn't feel comfortable kissing and when we do it feels forced. He can only have sex in one position and it will take forever unless I fake a loud ******. We had our most frequent sex (about 20 of the 30 times) when I decided I wanted to get pregnant and initiated sex frequently.  After five years he still has no idea what he is doing when trying to satisfy me. I have given him lots of suggestions and specific directions but he gets so concentrated and mechanical when trying to satisfy me he can't get aroused and I can't relax. He is not aroused by any type of ****...believe me I have tried everything!!! I am tired of all the energy I have to put into our sex life with no satisfaction for myself. He is a wonderful husband in many ways and a wonderful father to our children. I had a wonderful sex life and sex drive before meeting him. I fantasize constantly about cheating on him so I can have one good night of sex. I found out after we were married that he had only had sex four times in his life before meeting me and he was 40 years old when we met! He was too embarrassed to tell me.  I  love him (like a family member) but have lost any physical attraction to him. Sex is nothing but work with him and I miss fun and carefree sex!  I know he would be very hurt if I cheated on him but I don't know how many more years I can go without sex!!!


KathiSmith KathiSmith
36-40, F
18 Responses Jun 18, 2007

Tough time

Ugh, that sounds awful for you. One thing I want to say though is that if you're faking ******* does he really have no idea he's as bad in bed as he is? Does he have any willingness to do more hands-on skills training? It sounds like he's utterly clueless, and maybe doesn't have any capacity to be sensual, but one last-ditch could be actually seeing a sex surrogate or something, alongside actual workshops or classes. If he had so little sex up until 40, though, he clearly wasn't very motivated to get it/learn how to do it right.

I hear you I haven't had sex with my with in ten years. I want to cheat so I can feel a woman's touch again. I cheated once on her about 19 years ago. A cute little girl named kathi. Spelled the same was hoping it was you. Wishful thinking.

I built a library of marriage enhancement urls. You might be able to get some ideas for your relationship. If I can find out how to share the whole folder with you, I think you would find it helpful.

That's me too!! There are a few differences in my marriage- I can arouse my husband, but it's not like it used to be and takes forever sometimes. He doesn't mind various positions- but like yours, he claims he doesn't like kissing, and our sex life is sparse.

To BiSeniorMale48, I agree with you completely, I love kissing, lots of slow soft lips, all over a lady, with my warm tongue as a kissing and teasing tool. But, like you, I am tired of always initiating that action, when there is no reaction. So, you are not alone. And we men always take the blame, when women are just as much to blame. When there is not enough imtimacy or teasing by the one party, and the other party does not respond, where is the one person supposed to go or do? I am open to your thoughts and ideas.

I just wanted to add my nickels worth. I am 61 and been retired for four years, (laid off from job, took retirement), but have hobbies to keep me busy. My wife, is 54. About 4 years ago, after she came out of menopause, she had no interest in sex. Likes to be held, very few kisses, just the hugging. She also turned into religion deeply. And goes to church often for different events. I attend with her on sunday, but otherwise, i am not that involved. Dont want to be, but there are some cuties there of all ages. With that in mind, I have a strong sex drive, so I use the internet for pleasures, she has no sex drive. So, I like a variety in women, for friends and personal pleasures. She does not seem to care. Otherwise we are a good couple. Hope this makes sense, and from what I read here, and other sites, there are lots of men and women like me, like you, and many in this situation. So, do we find someone we like for "Friends With Benefits" and enjoy life?


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In the end, you can go a very long time without sex. And you will hate him and yourself for having done so. He will be hurt now or later, sooner is better because you both will still have time to move on.

iam 52 years of age,my experiance in sex is too long,iam a man and know how the men do with sex,this is something natural gift by god,as some one eat more then the other or sleep more or run fast,men also diffrent in sex,i have got friends who didnt like women at all because they cant give them enough sex,and dont want the other men to do,if you are a sexy woman you should find for your self a man areal man who can make you relax,because some women's life is nothing without sex.

Katie Hi.<br />
Salutaions! I mean really, I thought I when I began to read your story that I had actually typed it and in some madness had forgotten I had done so until I got halfway in the middle. I totally understand where you are and where your coming from. I too am in the exact same place and situation in my life and marriage, without the kids. Thank God for small blessings!

I haven't had time to check this site in ages, but really appreciate everyone's comments. It is nice to know that other people are dealing with a similar situation. My husband and I have no intimacy at this point. We are on completely different schedules. I am up very early to exercise, go to work all day, clean up the house, cook, watch the kids, and go to bed early. He is up late working , sleeps in, then picks up the kids from preschool, and then works again. One thing I didn't mention about our relationship in my post is our financial situation. (I could have written a novel the first time;) My husband has his MBA and was financially successful when I met and married him. Over the last couple of years he has been laid off several time and is trying to find a stable job. I was a stay at home mom for three years and I have had to go back to my full time job. He is now the "primary" care taker and it kills me because I loved being involved with my kids. I have had to miss all the school event, shows, class trips, etc.. My job is NOT flexible and there are no part time options. He enjoys being at home with the kids and I argue all the time with him because I am stressed trying to balance my family with my job. I know that I sound selfish because I know we need for me to work. His current job has no benefits and is complete commission. He works from home and there are months when he earns nothing. I know we need therapy but I don't have the time or desire to go.

HI everyone, This is my first here goes.<br />
I too am in a sexless marriage. About 21/2 years now. Sex is not just sex. It is completely about intimacy. if it were just sex, we all can do that by ourselves. My wife has never come to trust me enough to be truly intimate with me. I try not to take this personally...she actually trusts no one. It does wear on a person though.<br />
Kathi, are you able to engage with your husband in the direction of non-sexual intimate activities? Of course, th two of you will have to define this. I agree that seeing a therapist may help. Regrettable this was not helpful in my case.

Dammmmm kathi we gotta meet lol my wife tired of me like your husband - let em get together and peaceout

And you are not alone either, bluegirl.

I can relate to your situation. Unless I initiate sex in my marriage--it doesn't happen. It takes a toll on your self esteem after awhile. I have young children and I think my sex life died in 2001 w/the birth of our third child. It's a very isolating problem and so difficult to discuss w/ friends. There are some nights I leave my bedroom to cry somewhere in the house. Know that you are not alone.

Kathi, just TELL him earnestly you don't want to spend the rest of your years unattended and totally undersexed.<br />
I can't imagine a man can be so stupid as NOT to appreciate a woman, his wife, who yearns for sex! <br />
Most of all cases, it is the other way round: husbands are whimpering to get sexual attention from teir wives.<br />
Husbands will regard you as a dream wife!<br />
Love,<br />
<br />

If he admits there is a problem, and is willing to work on it, maybe there's still a chance?

there is a wonderful show on sunday nights, I believe its 10pm on oxygen channel called Talk sex with susan Johanson, she takes calls. If you love your husband and he is great in all other aspects of your relationship, it's and you sound like you have tried everything.Try the show. I have her number I tape the show it's 1-888-203-8890. good luck.