I'm Too Young For This.

At 23 and just over 5 months into our marriage, my husband and I are in a rut. We were hot and heavy until about 2 months before the wedding. I suspected wedding jitters but we haven't bounced back and it seems to be getting worse. Once a month is what i'm down to and even then, he never *******! I've tried talking to him about it and the only answer i get back is that he's stressed. He's an auto mechanic so i dont see how he can be stressed about work, he doesn't have meetings or speeches or reports to do(although he does have a psychotic boss). We make pretty good money so i don't think he should be stressed about bills or anything like that. He won't open up to me in any way and its getting me angry. I started yelling at him last night when he rejected me again. I was ready to through something through the wall! I'm too tired to keep fighting this and I think i need to just come to terms with it. How I'm going to do that...I have no idea.
SoCalSweetee SoCalSweetee
22-25, F
7 Responses Jun 22, 2007

you are correct you either come to terms with living the rest of your life the way it is or try to fix it and if that does not work you come to a day where you say F it and walk out which is what I ended up doing after 5 yrs of trying of a 23 yr marriage

Sex is a stress reliever.
"here’s no bone(r)s about it: Life is stressful. And anxiety goes way beyond the need to dine with Ben and Jerry for dinner— stress can be harmful to our physical health. Yet science suggests there are natural ways to regulate anxiety. In one study, researchers found daily intercourse for two weeks led to cell growth in the hippocampus, the part of the brain that keeps stress levels under control. Disclaimer: This study was tested on rats, not us feisty folks, but it might still help explain that post-coital bliss.

In another study, people who had daily intercourse for two weeks showed lower stress-related blood pressure than those who chose to fool around in other ways or abstain from sex altogether. (Solo sessions didn’t cut it either.) [1]. And more good news: The body also releases oxytocin (aka the love hormone) when two become one— it acts as a natural sedative and can trigger feelings of compassion."

Ask him to enter marital counseling with you. If he refuses, my belief is that there is no hope for your marriage's improvement since he's not willing to address a serious problem. If he isn't willing to address the problem, realize that what you have no probably is the best your marriage will be from now on. Chasing his whys would waste your time. Bringing a child into the marriage will only make it worse. The only thing that would improve your life would be to divorce.

If you don't believe me, read the stories here of people who stayed even though early in their marriages or just before the married, the sex vanished. Some people here remained in marriages that were completely sexless for years and decades. Now, they are mourning how they've wasted their lives.

You may not see what he is stressed about but trust him. He told you he is and respect that.
It isn't you. Don't take it on.
Be patient.
Look at the love and not the sex.
What is worth more to you?
Being with a man who loves you or someone who wants to have sex with you all the time?

Do what I do and just come to term with it. Once a month it's what's is coming to be at my house too. Before we got married it was 3-5 times a week and now it's never as it feels that way. I'm with her out of pity but that's something that her or no one else around us will know. I know it's not fair to me to remain with someone who doesn't make me happy while she has no complains since she gets what she wants when she wants. I'm just too stubborn to do anything about it...

I have a partner who has a much lower drive than me. He's abnormally low and I am abnormally high. He's also older than me. We've had a lot of long conversations about this. <br />
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The key is patience. As long as the rest of your lives together is working, the sex doesn't have to ruin everything. You have to ask yourself if the relationship is strong enough that it can survive this lull in drive.<br />
<br />
I know its counter feminist, but I've had to be as patient and as gentle as possible with my partner. It's very difficult at times. I let him lead. <br />
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There are a few things that I would be wary of though. I'm very very secure in my relationship with my partner and I know that there's no funny business on the side. You need to make sure you're confident about that too. You also need to open up, gently and respectfully, the conversation about sex with your partner. Remember that its about him. Its not about you. You're working fine. He's not. So be patient and prepared to listen to the stuff that he needs to get out without immediately thinking about how it impacts on you. <br />
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Also try some active listening to make him feel comfortable.<br />
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you've got your whole life ahead of you to figure it out, so just relax, take your time, and focus on the other things in your life.

Dear Sweetee!<br />
Since you name a point of time (namely 2 months before your wedding) that sex abruptly dwindled to a minimum, I think something important must have happened then.<br />
Try to rack your brain to find it out - it will pay off.<br />
I keep my fingers crossed for your situation to improve soon.<br />
Love, Genrik