Sad/lonely/depressed/angry Etc...

Have been reading all of these stories here for a few days and finally decided to post my last 5 years of a heartbreaking 8 year marriage. I can't even think where to begin. I can relate to almost everything that has been written. I am so glad that I am not alone, but, it really doesn't help with the pain and anguish that this has caused me over the years. It has been 5 years since I have had any sensual/sexual connection with my husband. Maybe only the occasional peck on the lips every month or so. Other than that, there is nothing at all. I have been so lonely, hurt, angry, resentful,and feel very deprived about missing out on what I feel should be such an important part of a married couples life. It is extremely difficult to watch tv with my husband. When a love scene comes on, I have to leave the room. I can't bear to watch that with him around. Even commercials hurt and send me off crying. Seeing a young couple in love just makes me want to curl under a rock and never come out. Yea he supposedly has a low testostorne level, but never went for any treatment. It actually makes it worse, knowing that he knows what's wrong, but, not doing anything about it. I have tried everything from begging, screaming and yelling. I stopped making any advances out of fear and pain from rejection. The feelings of hoplessness and despair come and go, sometimes so strong that they are all consuming. All I know is that father time's clock is ticking and valuable time that has been lost can never be regained. It is very sad. I feel very depressed over all of this. I have not had any romantic connection for 5 years. Before then it seemed that sex was almost a chore for him. several months prior to the honeymoon sex between us was not often. I had said before we left that I plan on getting laid every night on our honeymoon. Well, that didn't happen. Maybe it was 3 times out of a 6 day trip. Just another let down as usual. It only got worse after the honeymoon ended and the plane landed. Mentally this has really taken a toll on me. My life feels very empty since there is no connection with the man that I married. Unfortunately, I love him very much. I will get accused of planning to cheat on him if I decide to do anything for myself such as getting a hair cut or trying to lose weight. I have gained 25 # during this time as I have been using food to replace what I feel I don't have. I am so hurt that he would think that I was planning something to betray him--when in reality, all I want is him to make love to me. After several rejections, I gave up to reduce the additional pain that it would cause. Sorry that this is so long winded, but, I am feeling so lost, even though I know I am not alone. I feel everyone's pain and anguish on this board. Venting is nice, however, it doesn't resolve a damn thing. Hugs and kisses to all of you that have not gotten any love and affection from your significant others. i truly feel your pain, as I am living it every single day.
unhappy unhappy
31-35, F
18 Responses Jul 1, 2007

hi ! big hug to you too ! ! :-)

Have you thought about or looked into outsourcing your physical needs?? I am sure you can find plenty of local guys willing to give you what you are lacking. Keep in mind it will not solve any of your other problems but it will make them a little easier to deal with. Trust me there is no greater high then the feeling of actually being wanted

I wish my wife was 10% as interested in sex as you are!

it's hard to imagine that life can take such a dark turn for some of us. it's not easy to get up and have the desire to be productive when your spouse doesn't want to be with you intimately. it kills me a little everyday, thinking at my age of 42, if i loose her, what else is out there for me? i feel as if there would be nothing out there for me. 21 years of a marriage, we have had our regular problems, but when we took a break, i thought we would think of the happier times, our hearts grow fonder of each other, and then come back strong. it didn't happen that way, instead it took a turn in the quite opposite direction. this loneliness, depression, and anxiety are slowly killing me. she says she just needs time to get back to where she was. i don't understand why she needs so much time, i'm loosing this battle of the heart and mind. all i can do is believe that there will be a full restoration of our marriage. when, i keep asking, when...

She walked out on me a year ago in February. She has many excuses why she can't or won't come back. She has moved on, made new friends, dated for all I know. There are men younger than me that live in the building she is in. I one time caught her flirting, just like she did with me when we were young. It is almost a bit of a black widow thing. Uses me up, and discard me.

Wow. That is my story exactly. EXACTLY!!! I got chills when I read it. Good luck.

When I read the initial post here, I swear that I could have written almost the entire thing myself. The feelings expressed are exactly my own. I have been married for 9 years and haven't had sex in 7 (since we conceived my youngest child). Not even once. And in the first two years of the marriage, I was pregnant twice and we had no sex during either of those. So we have never had what most people would call a healthy sex life, but at least there was SOME.<br />
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I, too, have tried every approach. I have been rejected in a kind way, but rejected nonetheless. My husband never seems to have any real idea what the problem is, or if he knows, he doesn't want to talk about it. We have never had what I consider a good conversation about this. I will periodically (just did this past weekend) lose it and be very frank with him about my feelings and what may ultimately have to happen if we can't figure this out. The thing is, he treats it as though it is our mutual problem, whereas I consider it largely to be his issue. I'm not saying I don't play a role, but I am willing and available ALL the time and yet seven years goes by. He has gained a lot of weight and that plays a role. He is on medications and has had panic issues in the past, all of which play a role. I'm sure, although I don't KNOW, that he has low testosterone/desire levels. How could he not and go this long? He just seems very passive about it. He loves me, but it feels sisterly to me, even though he SAYS it isn't. But as far as I'm concerned, words mean nothing in this department. If you are not desired EVER, then you don't feel loved. Or at least not the right kind of loved.<br />
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It makes me crazy how passive he is willing to be about this despite the thigns I've said to him. I know it would kill him if I left, and frankly, I don't want to leave our family. From a family perspective, we are happy. It is just this lack of marital love life that is the problem. But what a HUGE problem it has become for me. I go through periods where I am unable to think about anything else, and these feelings color everything else in my life. I've started looking at random men, which I have NEVER done, even when I was single. It is insane.<br />
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We don't even kiss, which seems so odd to me. I mean, I guess I understand lack of sexual desire, but why does that mean there can't be any real affection? Is it because the other person is afraid you will THINK it is leading somewhere that it won't? <br />
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I just found this site today and can't believe I'm not the only one in this situation. I have felt so isolated. I never talk about this to ANYONE, even my very best friend, because I feel ashamed that I'm not desired by my husband. Everyone loves him and thinks he is greatest husband ever. And he is great in some other ways. I definitely love him. That isn't the question. But can I live without sex forever? I don't think so.

"funny how they all have excusses on the why they are causing us whom they love all this pain."<br />
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AMEN!

"funny how they all have excusses on the why they are causing us whom they love all this pain."<br />
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AMEN!

turtule202, I read your post and related to it.<br />
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I'm just playing odd person here, but I wonder if the people who withhold sex, I wonder if one of the reasons they do it is because they really want out of the relationship, but they're too afraid to communicate that, or too afraid to talk about what's bothering them, so they pull the ol' "no sex for 5 years" trick, hoping YOU will have the courage to leave. <br />
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Just a thought. I think that's what's happening in my house. partly. Who knows.

You wrote "It actually makes it worse, knowing that he knows what's wrong, but, not doing anything about it..."<br />
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Yep. I know that feeling. My wife knows she has medical problems, even promises from time to time to follow her doctor's advice to address the issues leading to her lack of sex drive, but nope... I get the feeling (it's been years since we've been together) that my wife would merily wait until the end of time before actually doing something positive about our sex life. It's very hurtful. When a man or woman has problems and withdraws from this aspect of their marriage, they're taking the other person hostage. There's nothing fair about it. You, the healthy one, are held at gunpoint by your partner and your two unsavory choices are A) no sex any more, pal, for the rest of your life or B) you have to cheat and take that emotional hit.<br />
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What kind of so-called friend would do that to another friend? Can you imagine? Take this ridiculous scenario outside of a marriage.

You wrote "It actually makes it worse, knowing that he knows what's wrong, but, not doing anything about it..."<br />
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Yep. I know that feeling. My wife knows she has medical problems, even promises from time to time to follow her doctor's advice to address the issues leading to her lack of sex drive, but nope... I get the feeling (it's been years since we've been together) that my wife would merily wait until the end of time before actually doing something positive about our sex life. It's very hurtful. When a man or woman has problems and withdraws from this aspect of their marriage, they're taking the other person hostage. There's nothing fair about it. You, the healthy one, are held at gunpoint by your partner and your two unsavory choices are A) no sex any more, pal, for the rest of your life or B) you have to cheat and take that emotional hit.<br />
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What kind of so-called friend would do that to another friend? Can you imagine? Take this ridiculous scenario outside of a marriage.

funny how they all have excusses on the why they are causing us whom they love all this pain.

I am sorry for your pain. over the last year my husband has been pulling away from me more and more. At least you have a reason for why your husband wont perform. The only reason my husband gives me is that he is not interested in sex anymore??? then why does he ********** every day when I am not home?? as far as affection goes my husband will give me a peck on the lips and if I try and go further he gets mad...I feel like we are in a downward spiral......the only advice I can give you is to consider leaving for a better life..I have thought about it but for some reason I love him so much and want to believe that this will end...Like you I cant stand being lonely and sad and depressed..I hope you have the courage to take a stand and do something for yourself...<br />
Good luck to you....

I am sorry for your pain. over the last year my husband has been pulling away from me more and more. At least you have a reason for why your husband wont perform. The only reason my husband gives me is that he is not interested in sex anymore??? then why does he ********** every day when I am not home?? as far as affection goes my husband will give me a peck on the lips and if I try and go further he gets mad...I feel like we are in a downward spiral......the only advice I can give you is to consider leaving for a better life..I have thought about it but for some reason I love him so much and want to believe that this will end...Like you I cant stand being lonely and sad and depressed..I hope you have the courage to take a stand and do something for yourself...<br />
Good luck to you....

Kids involved? If not, I believe our collective advice is to do The Ultimatum. If it doesn't work, then leave. Give youself enough time to plan, but don't drag your feet.

I guess my immediate thought after reading what you wrote is when you express all your pain (I know ...read my 3 stories) and then say you "love him", i wonder why or how. How is it that you, or many of us here, "love" someone who rejects us so? This to me is no different from acceptance of physical abuse. I don't think it is love. You need to love yourself, get in a constructive life, whether it is a life alone where you respect and take care of yourself, with friends and family, a church group, whatever. Then maybe you will find a relationship that is enriching. But this is just torture. For me, I refuse to stay with someone who won't hold up their end of the bargain. You can be friends, write letters, live in different apts, whatever. This gives marriage a bad name. And life has its expectations of us to make something of ourselves, not allow someone else to paralyze us with depression. Gotta get out and live, be happy, make others happy that are open to you! After 5 years, what do you think is going to change except the color of your hair and the lines in your face?

my relationship with my husband is definately the flip side,perhaps you will go and read some of my stories, if your husband knows what is wrong and doesn't want to do anything about it, I just don't understand how he can say he loves you, it is so selfish of him, and as far as you straying, truly that will not make you happy. Your have some hard decissions to make, I have had to say 'I love you good bye" then found my soulmate, and had a wonderful 28 yrs. until cancer took him from me 2 yrs. ago, I'm alone now but can smile and draw on such a blessed relationship. Good Luck, hun