Unconsummated Marriage

I have read your story with interest.  I too am in a situation I never thought I would find myself in. We never consummated our marriage two years ago (does that mean we aren't married??)and have never had sex since.  I was 38 when I met my future husband. I gave up a good job and moved countries in order to be with him. All was great for the first three years although thinking back he did have ED issues but I didn't really think it was all that serious at the time (as you do!). We wanted a baby and visited the doctor and were told when to make love on what days etc- that was when the rot set in. I would be waiting at home on the appointed days.............but when he did come home he couldn't manage it. Then I had to have a gynie op and since that time (five years ago now) we have never made love!  All that pain and money for nothing!  We then visited the doctor again, to discuss IVF - if he couldn't bear to touch me maybe we could conceive that way. However after two attempts, no success.  So, now I am 47 no chance of having a baby  still no sex and facing a possible hysterectomy in the next 12 months.  I feel so FED UP!  I read about sexless marriages in a british daily newspaper this week. I did think I was the only one in this situation and feel a bit better knowing there are others but still don't know how I can resolve my problem.  Any advise appreciated!

Isavirtue Isavirtue
46-50, F
44 Responses Nov 8, 2008

So sorry to hear you waited for this inconsiderate SOB.. move on life is short go grab some and LIVE IT!

Hi, has there been any progress?

I too have been in an unconsumated marriage, it's been six years now and we have never made love at all. My husband has hypertension, but I also think he just don't want to make love. He was once married before and was divorced within a year. I think from his first marriage, it was an indication that there would be problems for me. but I didn't discover this until after we were married. Not HAPPY about my discovery, I forced him to go to a doctor and counseling. Now I just am not attracted to my husband at all. I am the one that is always trying to make love and get in a romantic mood, but to no avail. So, now after 6 to 7 years. I just live with it. I too, long to be a mother and now that my window of opportunity is coming to a near close ( I'm 42 yrs old)...I have just come to a conclusion that I will have to be happy in other ways. I have never cheated on my husband. I remain faithful and never fall to the temptation of going outside of my marriage. But by this being my first and only marraige I really think this is a serious problem and men need to be more transparent with their health issues and honesty about what's going on with them, especially when they don't reveal that they have a problem with making love. <br />
<br />
Prayerful<br />
Faithful One in DC

Hello well I think that he did not reveal this to you before the two of you were married should be grounds for divorce if you want to. You have a lot to give and as you have said you would like to be a mother. I personally don't think it is fair for you. You have to follow your gut and your heart. Good Luck

Wow. People like me. My marriage was never consummated either. She was raped before marriage and her mother said the problem would go away. WRONG!! But am still married to her. Get so mad having to get off solo for 23 years. Why wont I leave her? Guess i really do love her. She also don't like kissing? I' got better kisses from strangers. Or people I helped by giving them rides. My paymen was a kiss.

You are a special gentleman, mostly would not stay. God bless you.

Well I am sorry I do not know what ED issues are? You have given up a lot to be with this man but what was going on before you married him? Did you do all the normal things that people in love do. did you go to bed have sex all that kind of thing. Why does he not want to have sex now. We need to know more if you want advice. Samantha

Erectile Dysfunction. In other words, he can't get it up.

my "husband" was just like hers. All was normal before we signed the papers. Then it just stopped. They knew we could just walk out then. It was a plan of the sexually dysfunctional "partner." total setup. Yes, it happened just like that. The sexless person needed a beard or a mother or God knows what. The sexless partner is a LIAR and a FAKER who is trying to impress every other person in the world instead of his/her spouse. She didn't do anything wrong. He married her under FALSE PRETENSES. He knew from the beginning he was a FAKE and a LIAR. He visited that on her. She didn't ask for it. He was a fake and liar from the beginning but made her think it was her.

I left out "not" in the sentence we could just walk out then. BS. We could NOT just walk out. Sucked us in and made us think it was our fault. SICK

i wish i did ducky. it makes you feel rejected i know. te only thing i do is fulfil myself while thinking about the ties we did make love and keep patient, bringing the matter up to him now and again hoping one day he won.t push me away do you ever worry he has some one else?

...if you had sex at least one time with your husband you consumated your marriage. If you never had sex and he did not touch you at all, then you have not consumated your marriage...my understanding!!

Im only 16 but know much about life. You should talk 2 him and let him know how you feel eventually things will get better and if not find a new husband

If your husband is having problems having or keeping an erection he may need a physical..They have things to help a man in that dept..Does he have High Blood Pressure,Diabeties? If so that could be his problem...I personally have diabeties, high Blood Pressure etc..and am on so much meds my sex drive is 0..Lucky for me my husband had a vasectomy years ago and he doesn't want it that much, so I can fake it..lol

I AM CRYING FOR YOU!!! Honey, you must love yourself enough when to know that...IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON!!!

what a frustration in life..maybe your husband not interested in you..or he might have other woman to used his desire..not good cause you maybe like a clouds passes the sky without any marks...Godblessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

i am very sorry that you are in the situation that you are in. Have you ever tried to go to counseling or talked about why you havent had sex? I say that if you are not happy then you should seperate. I would hate to hear that in ten years you would be thinking shoulda, coulda, woulda. life is short live it to the fullest and if your not then get out. hope everything works out

Sex is not everything, but people usually want to feel close if they are truly in love. I would kick my man to the curve if he treated me that way. I would do it in such a smooth way, his head would spin. You can get another man, hysterectomy and all. Even if you don't meet the man of your dreams, so be it. Having a man isn't everything either.

He is gay

He is gay

Wow, it sounds really tough!... I guess you could look at forstering as mentioned, but then again it depends if your husband comes to the party. Best of luck to you!

Oh dear :/ I'm so sorry

I have also flagged Kumar for SPAMMING several stories with this same "request for sex" ad. Hopefully his membership will be terminated.

Kumar, you have tried this before on this forum. GO AWAY. Your posts are offensive. I have flagged you before and I am about to flag you again. This is NOT a pick up site, get it????

I guess you need some break. I recently read an article on http://www.prlog.org/10320902-economics-behind-sexual-demands.html ... Read it may be that might be an answer to your struggle

Wow whod have thought so many dont have any sex at all in their marriage. I can take or leave sex, I can enjoy it but find it hard to get the mood happening but if I marry I would fully expect to provide my partner with intimate times. Really you have to put the effort in at the end of the day to meet some of your spouses needs. Unless there is a medical issue ( and the peron has done all they can to help it) saying Im just not doing it is not really acceptable unless the other person wants the same. When do any two people want exactly the same thing. Comprimise is needed in any relationship in all areas otherwise why put someone else through the misery.

it is up to you..it is your life...if it is ok with you..then...<br />
...if not leave...soon...life is too short!

OMG! I never dreamed there were so many people in this situation!! When it first happened to me over 10 years ago I was totally shocked...a man that didn't want to have sex!?!?!?! How bizaare (or however you spell it!) Like some of you stated, things were fine in the beginning...lots of love, affection, and sex. Once I fell in love and we moved in together, forget it!! I stuck that one out for 3 years and finally broke up with him and made up for lost time:-). In the course of a summer, I had 3 returning lovers...I guess I had to prove to myself that I was attractive since my self-esteem took a nosedive during those 3 years. At the end of that summer, he and I reconciled and things were once again wonderful for about 3 months then phttttttttttt again. I stayed with him for another year and then it was over for good. I decided to remain single for a year and to try and get my emotions and life under control. At that time I'd met a man who I was instantly attracted to...he and I became good friends and when it was time to become intimate he broke the news to me that he was impotent. I figured I might as well buy a lottery ticket now cause whats the odds of that happening!! We talked it over and decided to go forward with the relationship and began a sexual relationship that did not involve intercourse. I was very satisfied with that and thought he was too. After 6 months he and I moved in together and things went okay for about 6 months more, then after I'd moved from my home and rented it out, quit my job to be a stay at home "wife" (we lived on a farm and there was always plenty to do!! ) he began to always be "too tired" or "asleep" when I would come to bed. Then after a few months of that he finally told me I needed to "take care of it myself". I never again brought up the subject and after I was able to get back on my feet financially I moved out. I have been on my own for a year now and I am scared to even try again. My self-esteem is in the gutter and I feel so betrayed. Sorry this was so long, guess I just needed to get it all out so to speak. But needless to say, I do know what you are going through. Just try to remember it is not your fault, he has the issue not you!! Good Luck!

Do you love this dude or are you simply worried about how he will take loosing you??? From the way it sounds he's already lost you... There are so many options out there now that this should be a non-issue. Unless his ****** fell off he can be fixed with a penus pump... Then there is the various types of pills on teh market that are designed to wake "Li'l Johnny" up. Did he loose the use of his tongue also??? Maybe I need to read back a few pages because I'm clearly missing something here.

The human heart is absurd. Do we love the person because we cannot have them? Do we stay with the person because we cannot understand how they can't love us as we love them? Are these people selfish narcissists who lie to us and themselves in order to control us for their own selfish needs? Are we mere trappings for them to appear normal to the world? Why do we stay? Why do we care? This is a sickness.

Isavirtue, have you ever considered a Louisville Slugger to get his attention? Might be worth a try.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to your problems, but am wondering why you don't divorce him. I am only in this marriage because I have two young children and they LOVE their dad. You are still young and have many years left to find happiness with someone else. i know I am leaving as soon as my kids are a little older. I can't stand living like this.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to your problems, but am wondering why you don't divorce him. I am only in this marriage because I have two young children and they LOVE their dad. You are still young and have many years left to find happiness with someone else. i know I am leaving as soon as my kids are a little older. I can't stand living like this.

I agree with jimjoebob. Anyone who is unable to accept sex as part of a marriage may be in love with their spouse, BUT, if one is unwilling (not unable) to perform sex while married, perhaps this should be discussed and decided, and yet even more- agreed upon- before the vows. I think, often times we believe that we love someone enough to accept whatever conditions are placed before us. We should understand early on that, there are many that we could love, who would be willing to work both ways. I guess my question, (and not out of criticism, but rather a lack of understanding), why would anyone who posesses a natural human desire choose to spend a lifetime with someone who will ultimately force them into the arms of adultery, or dissapointment?

sex is a huge part of marriage and if he isn't willing to help you out than there are plenty of guys out there that would. Why a woman would stay married to a man or a man to a woman if there is no passion and they aren't past the age of 80 is beyond me.

open your eyes he's gay

I once thought sticking it out meant staying married at all costs. Today, after 20 years, I realize that there is a difference between stubbornness and clear-eyed reality. i Shared my feelings one more time with my wife. i made it clear that things must change or I must leave. I was, for once, very straightforward and brave. I realized this was not about "saving" my marriage, because what I was living did not meet my definition of a marriage. It is about demanding that your life meet your desires. It took all my courage to stand for what I wanted. But it is worth it. Believe it or now, calmly laying out a very clear ultimatum brought it all into focus. Things are changing for the better. It is impossible to predict what happens when a person stands their ground. I don't know if it will last, but I am feeling encouraged, at least.

Yours is a difficult situation. I must ask you a question. Are you as intent on having a baby, or is it more now about making love due to your age?

Definitely not alone... but I know how you feel. My husband and I married about 10 years ago and he has never consumated the marriage. I desperately want children but he won't discuss it at all. I do love my husband but have spent the last years feeling depressed, ugly and blaming myself, turning myself inside out emotionally in an attempt to have a "normal marriage". It's hard to believe that this is all there will ever be but, although I am unhappy with the situation, I cannot bear the thought of divoricing my husband who I do love very much. Not sure how to cope with it because there's no way I would cheat on him but it is very hard to surpress my own needs when he just seems to not care at all about them. He says that all marriages are like this and no one ever has sex once they get married!

Oh, I know exactly what you mean, Isavirtue!! That happens to me often, too... and I always think "you silly woman, if only you knew how damn lucky you are!".

Yes that is is exactly. Thank you for your comments Lizzy 22 and Verrygirl. I am not going to give up. Life is strange - I was at a neighbours house this morning (whom I don't know very well) and she was complaining that her husband wants sex all the time - What could I say?......................

Tell her that you have just the opposite situation, in that your needs are not being met. Reassure her that if it becomes a problem for her to satisfy his needs, you may be able to help meet his needs, if its okay with the two of them. Be upfront about your situation at home, and offer how you might help her.
Be good to yourself and find sexual satisfaction in life - XOXO

I think she's saying they had sexual intercourse before they got married, but none since the wedding (or even a year or two before the wedding). That is a common story here on EP - an active sex life before marriage, that disappears after marriage.<BR><BR>Isavirtue - you have all my sympathy!

I think until you've been in this situation it is very hard to really understand it. I've been married for a little over three years and my husband and I haven't had sex in five years. Trust me, if I had thought it was going to stay this way, I wouldn't have gotten married. There were medical issues involved at the time, but my circumstances have not gotten any better. Now I just feel unhappy and trapped because I think we need to separate and go to counseling, but I'm scared of hurting my husband and what he might do overall.

I'm also confused. If at any point in your marriage you had sexual intercourse with your spouse, the marriage is consummated. Are you saying you never had sexual intercourse with your spouse?

As long as you are OK with type of arrangement and after all you aren't living alone hopefully the two of you talk!!!

Im also a little confused. So you did or did not have sex the first 3 years?

"We never consummated our marriage two years ago..." <br />
<br />
"All was great for the first three years..." <br />
<br />
"...since that time (five years ago now) we have never made love! "<br />
<br />
<br />
Am I the only one who finds this confusing?

since the marriage is not consumated and you are not happy,you have a legal ground for divorce.

i also was in the "baby" situation and just adoped 2 beautiful foster children that needed me. good luck- it isn't easy