I Feel So Lonely

I've been married for over 15 years.  Before we were married our sex life was fantastic!  But the second we said I do- he lost total interest in sex.  He has made up every excuse in the book.  I dont understand it.  He's a great husband but he shows me no affection what-so-ever.  Sex is totally out of the questions.  I can't even remember how many years its been since I've had sex.  I'm 47 and he is 60.  I feel I lost the best years of my life.  Now I'm getting older, I'm not thin and sexy like I used to be and I lost one breast to breast cancer.  I don't feel attractive to anyone any longer.  I've had endless talks with him about how I feel but it doesn't matter.  He gives me a little attention after the talk and then we are right back where we started from.  I have 2 sons and I think they were both immaculate conceptions :-)

I've always suffered from depression but it gets harder and harder to deal with it.  I feel so all alone.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dark endless void just swallowing me up.  I feel very hopeless at times.  I hate going home after work.  Am I crazy for staying in this marraige? 

jc123 jc123
46-50, F
21 Responses Jul 3, 2007

I dont' know how I ran across your post more than FIVE years after you wrote it...but reading it, now, still makes my heart hurt for you.<br />
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Here's my suggestions: (1) STOP looking to him to boost your self esteem....it ain't gonna happen so don't count on it. (2) make a list of the top 5 things you can do that are WITHIN your control to make yourself feel better about YOURSELF..and this, of course, excludes smoking, alcohol, drugs or retail therapy. I'm talking about feeling good physically, feeling like you are making a positive contribution, doing things that contribute to a sense of self worth. focus on SELF WORTH!!! If you do that, you'll soon not feel as lonely or as in need of him. (3) FOCUs on accomplishing the items on your list. (4) Focus on accomplishing the items on your "make myself feel better" LIST, (5) Focus on accomplishing the things on your "make myself feel better about MYSELf list...<br />
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Again, this may be things like losing weight, fixing some room in your house, getting active in your church, earning another education degree that will help you at work or give you psychic pleasure, help some needy person or cause. Write up a five year plan.<br />
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Think seriously about what you really want out of the rest of your life. Does that include a H who doesn't want to touch you? Is that relationship really worth obsessing over>?? Is it>? How much pain (as opposed to pleasure) has it brought you in the last 3 years. If more pain than pleasure, think seriously abou the alternatives...but don't use a relationship as a substitute for doing what you need to do FOR YOURSELF !!<br />
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Best of luck.....keep reading in this group....but focus on your LIST!!!!

hmmm this is my first post here. Your story is sad to me and in some ways it could be our story. I worked up the courage to even type in search terms from loveless, lonely, divorce, will anybody else love me, sexless- you get the picture and found this site. I do not necessarily want to talk to my friends at this un abashed level of confusion and depression about the reality of it in part because I just don't think I can emotionally handle it at this point in my life. I too am a Breast Cancer survivor and am coming up on my one year in a few months. I too had a masectomy actually a double but I opted for immediate recon. So while I am dressed you would never know. I feel so unattractive so many scars from the surgeries and still no nipples. For me this is hard I am under 40 and feel like I should just love my cancer free body which I do becaused it is healthy BUT I want to look in the mirror and think yes I still have it. My marriage is turning into a sexless one. Our intimacy turned into perfunctory and now well I think we have connec ted sexually once in this new year. I am not sure if I can stay in this marraige and then again I am not sure if I can leave. Congratulations on being cancer free at least we have that going for us.

Hi is it normal that im only 21 jot married just over a year ago a feel so alone an dont have a sex life too it makes me feel ugly and i dont know what to do i want to go back home what have i done will this ever work?

you may love him and think you are supposed to be true forever but if he isnt everything you need you need to think about the fact that there is life out there

One part baking soda and two parts FixAFlat, it's known as Viagara. If he won't try it, it's time for you to get a boyfriend or a new husband.<br />
Ed in VA

Not crazy - you probably only want him, but can't figure out why. Give him an ultimatum - there are several medical procedures, a couple of different medicines and counseling that work. My wife thinks that once a person hits their fifties their sexuality should die. I think(like you) that sex is a beautiful part of marriage. Keep your chin up - give him the ultimatum. Then go from there.

umm i have the same problem but i am 20 and my boyfriend is 30 uhh i ask him for sex and he gets mad he tells me that that is not the way to ask him or that he does not feel like it.. he doesnt even care if we have sex ... i have to resort to my vibrator all the playing games with myself like ****** denial and just teasing myself i am very angry and sad about this relationship i want to start anew i hope i have the courage to leave soon...

Sex is such a beautiful thing between two people who love each other. Some men do what it takes to get the girl but don't wanna do what it takes to keep her. There are men who have been raised you don't do "that" with your wife. So he keeps a woman on the side. A lot of men think because they work and pay bills that is all that is needed. In other words you have wasted your time with this man. He does not want to be emotionally/physically involved with you. He does not respect you either. Sex is part of the glue that holds a marriage together. Sexless marriages do bring on depression and other illnesses as well even asthma. Even though you have only one breast you are still beautiful and desireable. You need to get closer to the Higher Power and let him guide you.

he is cheating on you with co-worker suck it up

Let me add to my previous comment (above). Because of this situation, my confidence level has plummeted. I now go around thinking I am always doing things wrong, even in everyday things. I TOTALLY understand how you feel.

I can also relate. I too live in a sexless marriage. I have been married to my wife for 18 years. I feel so lonely. Whenever I come up behind her and try to wrap my arms around her just to give her a kiss, she shys away. Even in the morning when we leave for work, when I go in to give her a kiss goodbye, she leans around to kiss my cheek. I feel like she just thinks of me as a roommate. She gives me no affection whatsoever. I truly miss being romantic with someone. I have all but given up on trying to be romantic because I know I will be rejected if I try anything. Also, she seems to come down on me about everything, get upset, even about the tiniest things. For instance, if I am standing in front of a drawer she needs to get to, she will bark, "Move" with a disqusted tone to her voice. Things like this happen all the time. I can't believe she talks to others that way. I really think she has some sort of negative feelings of resentment towards me, but I have no clue why. I know, like everyone else, I am not perfect, but I treat her with total respect, like a woman should be treated. The only time I seem down, or not cheery (which is often) is when I am treated like this and I think how lonely I feel. We have 3 children and she always says "Someone wants a piece of me", referring to why we don't have sex. I have always believed that if you want to be intimate, you make time, or you at least show affection for one another. I am at my whits end!

I've been married 23 years and my sex life has been almost non exsistant the whole time. It was good when we were dating. Now he always says he's tired, or falls asleep. I'm also tired of being the one that initiates sex. It would feel nice if he acted like he wanted me. So I stopped initating sex so I don't get any. I finally got him to go to the Dr. and his testesterone is fine. He won't take the viagra the Dr. gave him. I don't think there is anyone else. I miss the closeness so much it hurts. Like the others it makes me feel old and ugly.

Considering his age, you might want to gently ask if everything is still working down there...

I can really relate to your experience. I am also 47 and my husband is nearly 60. A few days before my 4oth birthday he told me that he now longer 'fancied' me and didnt want to talk about it or entertain the notion of seeking help. Sex was always a bit on the thin side and had got very impersonal and infrequent. I was in a total state of shock and took it to mean that I was unattractive in all ways. To say it rocked my confidence is an understatement. I decided that I would swallow this down until my youngest daughter was off to college because I was not prepared to rock the stability of the family dynamic whilst they were still young. <br />
My husband has been content to not talk about it and has left it very much up to me to force the issue when I get unhappy enough. Inevitabley I end up feeling as if i am to blame.<br />
I too feel that I have wasted years of my life and have at times felt utterly alone. My personal moral code does not include having an affair, even if I felt attractive to other men and I realise that i hve actively discouraged any attention by anyone else.<br />
I have come to suspect that he has had either a physical relationship with 2 other people or at the very least an emotional/energetic one. I had been in denial about this possiblilty.<br />
I am looking for the strength in myself now get to a 'space' where I can have a loving or affectionate relationship with another person.

there is no reason and no excuse for giving up on yourself and for settling for any less then what does you good. loosing a breast for breast cancer is no reason for deprerssion, it's just reason for a boob job. If your husband doesn't show you love and tenderness and doesn't lust after you, you shouldn't stay with him. you didn't marry him in order to be unhappy right? people change and grow apart. you sholdn't drag each other down in a sexless marrriege - you should go on with your life and flourish. <br />
divorce is not a tragedy, but not persuing your own happiness is.

I just posted a similar story, except that I have only been in the marriage five years. I have a boyfriend who is begging me to leave my husband. I wish I knew ahead of time if I would regret spending ten more years in a sexless marriage with man that I still love.

I will admit that I have absolutly no exsprience in knowing about breast cancer. But I do understand rejection and fustration and feeling or depression self blame and worthlessness. Believe me there in nothin wrong with you that a little love shouldnt be able to over look and get over! Boobs are mostly for show anyway! Very few men if any at all are getting satisfied in total on boobs alone! But that Pu Na Na is another issue. Your man is old and unintreasted due to age and or many other age related issues. But his lack of love affection and attention are deliberately applied conscous or not but it is all about him!

I will admit that I have absolutly no exsprience in knowing about breast cancer. But I do understand rejection and fustration and feeling or depression self blame and worthlessness. Believe me there in nothin wrong with you that a little love shouldnt be able to over look and get over! Boobs are mostly for show anyway! Very few men if any at all are getting satisfied in total on boobs alone! But that Pu Na Na is another issue. Your man is old and unintreasted due to age and or many other age related issues. But his lack of love affection and attention are deliberately applied conscous or not but it is all about him!

wow,, im in the same boat,, im fit good shape and her friends hit on me but no matter what kindness i give at home nothing happens but a push away,, im now gonna look for someone else,,

I read your story with interest & I agree with jin99 view's on the problem its not you that have the "problem" its your husband. For the life of me unless he have medical condition he should have strong sexual urges at 60, believe me mine is stronger now than when I was half my age (60). So we have established that age is not the cause just complete lack of feeling & his selfish attitude which you have the misfortune to inherit.<br />
I have always believed that our sex life is one of the natural gifts we are blessed & to waste that is an abuse of self. naturally there will come a stage when we will no longer be able to perform so now is the time to take every opportunity to enjoy it.If you need sexual pleasure do whatever it takes to fulfill that need!

I second EllMeza...Yes...you are. You are not too old. Look, I am 50, and fantastic. You are beautiful to yourself, to your maker, and probably to many, many people. read the post by fairy (after yours) and how it was the worst years of her life. Don't do this to yourself. If you haven't had reconstruction on the breast...by all means ...get 2 new ones!!! Come here to Costa Rica for inexpensive surgery and complete aftercare. And start a new life. I feel the depression just oozing out of every line you wrote and I just want to hug you and make you feel better and also kick you in your litttle behind...OK???? Don't make me come there....