Frustrated By a Sexless Marriage

I have to say that this is a touchy topic for me.  I have been with my 2nd husband for 7 years now.  We've made love maybe 20 times and it's so frustrating for me.  I try to initiate love making, but I get pushed away.  If I am upset about something and cry, he just ignores me - no comforting there. 

However, I have met someone who is attentive, loving, and fulfilling - and I'm surprised to say that I have fallen in love with him.  We want to be together, but I'm not sure how to end my marriage.  It's just so hard knowing that someone is out there that wants me, and knowing that I'm not wanted at home. 

My husband makes me feel unattractive - and I'm not - makes me feel unloved - and I do - and makes me feel unappreciated.  I know he loves me but I am not even sure if I can love him anymore. 

Love and marriage is a two-way street.  Let's just say that if you're hungry for a whopper, you would go to Burger King wouldn't you?  If you're hungry for intimacy, wouldn't you go where you could have that?

I just feel that making love is a huge part of marriage - a huge part of making your spouse feel loved, wanted, and needed.  It's been about 4 months now and I'm so angry.  I feel ugly and unloved all the time.  We don't even cuddle.  And most of the time, he sleeps on the couch with the excuse that he fell asleep watching TV.  I'm sorry, but you can only use that excuse so many times before it falls on deaf ears.

Any advice from you experienced people?  I'm very new to this site but am really feeling a sense of belonging. 

Thanks to all who have listened...


Cheleanne Cheleanne
66-70, F
12 Responses Jul 4, 2007

My husband and I began a relationship founded on sex. It was amazing. We got married, had a family, were working and attending grad school. We were super busy. My husband became more and more distant. The last straw was when our sex life died. I was so lost, confused, angry - I thought he didn't love me, found me unattractive, etc. A lot of the same things you sound like you're feeling. Turns out, he was deeply depressed. I was worried about me and there he was dying inside. I made the whole thing about me when his behavior was about him - he felt like he was failing as a husband, father, student, employee, and lover. And all my negativity just reinforced what he thought about himself. No one's situations are exactly the same, but now as a person who provides counseling to couples - I do see this pattern in many of them as well. Food for thought.

What does your husband need/want? You're frustrated because your needs aren't being met...what are his needs and are they being met?

Just noticed the date on this. New to this site - apologies.

me too

.... and now your post is over a year old. Time flies.. :/ :(..

Thanks Dude. I just hate living the life I have....

Hey coolchick, we should get together and go 'cruisin''!!!!!! LOL<br />
Seriously though, it's not a fun situation to be in. I have lived this life for 7 years now... and guess what? It doesn't get any better...<br />
I even tried 'going down' on him once and he pushed me away.... Imagine that!!!!! Oh well,,,,, destined for no sex? I think not! There are routes we can take... I'm not a big fan of counselling simply because they don't know me.... or my life.... I know me best... and I know what's in my life best. So, my advice to me is best... I know things won't why even bother trying after this long? <br />
Some people might say I'm a little unnerved to say this, but I have been having an affair - which has made me a lot happier and a lot less sexually stressed. I do plan to leave - just not sure when - I have a bit of planning to do - but when it's done, it's SINARA!!!! I'm not sure if I spelled that right!! Doesn't look right - but nevertheless, it looks like a lost cause here.... not unsimilar to most of us on this site.....unfortunately.

Hi Constant, <br />
<br />
I have discussed it with hubby - but to no avail.... I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do... as usual, I'm at a loss....

there's a lesson to be learned in EVERY ONE of those mistakes ... so make them proudly and earn your education! my s.o. slept in the living room for YEARS when he was married to his ex. although it was a bit different dynamic (the standard - her withholding from him) but i'm sure when he wasn't in the bed when she DID want him to be she felt neglected. non communication is the largest life sucker and killer of marriages. with good communication all other things will fall into place, pleasing all parties involved. do you have any inclination whatsoever to attempt discussing this with your husband?

Thanks LilRed...<br />
<br />
Thanks to all who have read and commented... I feel like such a loser some days... not sure what I will do - probably leave when the kids are back in school... not sure... It's hard to predict the future and some days I really wish I could SEE the future to know which mistakes I should avoid! LOL Don't we all???

Do you still love your husband? If you dont end it. Do you love this other man? You follow your heart,and if someonelse doesnt like it too bad,who's life is it anyway? Is it yours or your husbands he obviously doesnt do his share,he doesnt care how you feel. You do what makes you happy no one else.

Greetings & so sorry to hear your story but its the common thread that binds us together on this forum. As you say its us males that usually are the victims of this abuse & I have my own theories on the reasons for that but what stops a male from having sex with a willing wife I will never be able to get my head around. I wont even try to either.<br />
AS I am in my late 50s its too late to I think to follow my advice to you which is ..if you have found s/one who offers a new chance take it with both hands as sex is the glue that binds relationships together. Good luck!

Thanks for all your comments. Grendelen, I don't cry often - and yes he just ignores me and carries on with what he's doing - it doesn't seem to bother him that I am hurting. <br />
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Crazylady - thanks. I have told him my feelings that I need to feel loved and wanted. I have told him I need more intimacy in our marriage - it doesn't seem to matter what I say....<br />
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Ellemeza - thanks to you as well - I honestly don't know if I'm really still in love with my husband. I have a hard time loving someone who doesn't appear to love me much. The way he makes me feel unattractive is by not wanting to make love to me. Making love is a way of getting closer to your lover's soul... I think Dr. Phil was right about withholding affection. And yes, he sleeps on the couch 97% of the time. What do I want out of life you ask? I just want a husband who appreciates the beauty he used to see in me... a husband who wants to enjoy his wife. And no, I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. Thanks for the blessings.<br />
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Drifter - thanks for the good wishes - I know this is a growing problem in our society today and from what I hear, it is usually women who don't want intimacy in the bedroom. I think because it's my husband, it makes it harder to take. I don't understand. I don't know how much older than me you are, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm 43. I am just looking to be happy - I think I deserve it...

jeez... i'm sorry every time i read about somebody else who is dealing with this. and the number seems to be growing -- this group has about 40 more members than it did when joined a few months ago. even though i'm a guy and, i'm guessing, quite a few years older than you, the feelings a sexless marriage brings are similar in a lot of ways. it's getting pretty late in life for me to change, but you sound younger, and so -- perhaps you should think about it. year after year is long time to be unhappy like this. i hope you find happiness soon.

I say take a deep breath and tell him what you need to tell him. There's is no easy way. It'll be easier the faster you get it over with. It doesn't seem as though he cares much about your feelings. So lady, do you, if that's what you ready for.

He ignores you when you cry? There has to be more to this, or you'd already be gone.