I Still Don't Understand

I am really glad to hear that you did not start smoking again. Trust me I know how hard that is to do, and all about the temptation to pick up one when things are down. As well from my own life battles I am proud of you for taking off the weight. I put on a tun of weight when I was where you are now. I also quit smoking. I have you talked to him about hi behavior yet? My ex. to this day will not take any responsibility for her behavior in the end of the marriage. The fact that she had four sexual relationships, while we were married dose not seam to mean that she had anything to do with it. It was all my fault in her opinion. I wanted to be intimate, but she did not. Of course she did not need it did she? No, she was getting intimate with another guy and a girl at the time when she told me we were going to get a divorce. I spoke with a therapist about how she went off when I suggested family therapy. She told me that the reason my ex would not go was because she would have to admit the fact she needed to take responsibility for her own actions. I fully take ownership of my actions in the end. This brings me to my point, which is your husband has to as well. You have to talk to him about what he has been doing. If he will not talk to you, or if it is not possible for you to talk to him, then I am sorry to tell you you already do not have a marriage. If you love him, and want the marriage to work you must talk to him.

Well, I did not start smoking again, and I took off the weight, plus a bit. Still the same thing. Dammit! I have given up. i really don't know what to say. i guess I am destined to be celibate for the rest of my life. I am feeling so terrible right now. I feel hopeless.

Rita he has to take responsibility for his own actions! The ****, not looking for work, and setting up net dating profiles are his problem, and not yours. You do need to confront him about all of these behaves. That is not putting pressure on him it is being open and honest with him, and you need to tell him that if he can ********** to **** the there is no way he has ED. Ask him if he will go with you to see a marriage concealer. If he will not then you need to ask him how he plans on getting past this road black in your marriage. Do not start smoking again, for your own health. You also must take ownership of the fact the you put on the weight. You also need to take it off for yourself. Please do not use a fad or crash diet. Use a slower one, that you design, or one from you doctor, aim for losing about 5 pounds a month. This will keep you from putting it right back on. Find peace with your life and find the right path, for you, to find a happy future for you.

okay for someone who has shared life, emotions, smiles and sex with you years ago in our high school years, I find you very attractive to this day and your way of always being strong when others would crumble. You are sexy, sweet, attractive and trust me Rita sexy and alluring, for him to not want to play with you is something wrong in his head. I honestly believe that love is love and want does not fade simply due to weight gain, you take someone for who they are inside and out. People change physically many times throughout a lifetime... some good some bad.



But you Rita are beautiful inside and out, please know that and try to stop questioning who you are, when you are the same wonderous flower you have always been.

I do love him, I get so upset when I come home and know he has been watching ****. Can you really watch it without ************????? And he knows how bad I want him. Now, I really am getting to the point where I just really DON"t want it. It's not like I need it every day. Even once a month would be ok, if I knew I would be wanted. Once a week would be better, but... I have always been a very sexual person, but once, maybe twice a year??? With no interest shown at all... and he gets upset when I tell him to stop teasing me. I guess I'm not feeling too well today. :(

It isn't you, it isn't any of us that want sex with our spouses problem, it is THEIR problem!!! I can't even get my wife to admit she wants a sexless marriage, and her girl friend in a conversation with me today said my wife told her she wants to have sex with me! I told her what would you do if, during the course of giving a massage to your S.O. almost every night of the month AND letting him/her feel just how excited you get just by touching them..................their response again and again is to just go to sleep? My wife's friend looked shocked at this disclosure, so I then knew my wife had never told her that. I am 45, and if I was with you............you would probably get tired of me wanting it all the time!!

I feel for you...I was in a very similar situation and know your pain. In fact this is a whole group that knows your pain.



Ask yourself if you're happy with your relationship the way it is. If not, get out and find the happiness that you deserve.



You're 46 and not getting any younger. I'm 42 and not getting any younger. I got out and was amazed at how many people still find me attractive after 2 years of feeling like I was ugly as sin. Oh yeah, don't let the weight hold you back either. If you don't like it, lose it for you but not for anyone else. Same goes with smoking. If you want to stop for you, do it but never for anyone else.

thank you all for your comments. It is so nice to be able to talk about this problem. I have not had anyone to talk to, and I really do feel a bit better. I have needed this for so long!

I am trying to not let this bother me, but it sure does, about once a week I get really weepy. He asks why, and I just can't tell him. I know it will make things worse if I do. We have discussed this too many times now.

thank you all!

I agree with SADLITTLECUPCAKE it'not you, it's him. He doesn't want the type of relationship that you want. You think you are old now? That's nothing to how you will feel a couple of years from now and things haven't changed. Don't let him drive you crazy, leave him to his computer. good luck to you.

"I feel so unwanted, undesireable."

To *him*, maybe you are... but that doesn't mean you are not desirable to others.



"I love him so much, but I feel I can't make him happy."

Judging by the rest of your post, he's not the 'happy' type.



"I know he watches ***** movies and masturbates after I go to work. He tells me that he thinks he has ED, I just can't believe that."

If he can ********** to ****, he doesn't have ED.



"I think it's because I have gained weight. I quit smoking for him, then gained about 30-40 pounds."

I would start smoking again. That should get his attention! If not, it may help with the stress. Mind you, I am currently a smoker and reluctant to quit- though I very much want to- due to my own dysfunctional sexless marriage (weigh ALL of my comments accordingly, will you please?).



"I am not young, I am 46 years old."

You're not OLD, either!



"I don't want to put any more pressure on him than is already there. (He also lost his job in August.)"

I would imagine there is more pressure on you in re the job loss... especially if he's sitting at home feeding his **** addiction with ************ while you're out winning the bread and bringing home the bacon.



"Before that, when all was going good, he set up internet dating profiles on Singlesnet, True, Fling, LoveAccess, Match, (MORE SITES) and told me his daughter set at least one of them up for him so that him and her mom could get back together."

Erm. Define douchebag!!! Seems you're an unwitting victim to some particularly cruel behavior.



"I DON"T UNDERSTAND what the heck is happening. Please, I need help before I go absolutely crazy!"

Three words for you here: it's not you. Seems to me like you're getting f*cked in every way except that which you wish.



No, it's not fair- to any of us.



If they don't love us, then why do they hold us hostage by showing bits of encouragement that tell us that if we just try harder, and keep trying, things will get better?



I can't say my response has been very insightful or offered much help, but know that you are in my thoughts and you are not alone.



"When you come to the edge of all the light you have,

and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown,

believe that one of two things will happen.

Either there will be something solid to stand on –

or you will be taught how to fly."

BRAVO!!!!



It's time for our men to man up and do their 'duty' for us wives. Men SO don't understand that it's not only the men that need sex -- women need it TOO!!!



Regarding the internet - I would confront him on this. And even if his daughter set this up - bullshit. No more computer time alone - period. It's one thing if you can service your wife and want some on the side - but - if you are putting out to others - you need to put it out at home (sorry - that's harsh but that is how I feel).



Have you tried asking hubby to watch the **** with you? Or asking about his fantasies, etc.? Maybe you guys need to role play, spice it up a little.



This helped me. I'm SOOO not perfect, but when I pried my husband out of his shell a little, at least he tries.



It's not by any means perfect, but it never was, and it;s a start.



PS - be kind to yourself. And YOU ARE NOT OLD!!!

Rita...very sad for you. I understand the weight part...I had gained a ton of weight over a 10 year period after having a baby and undergoing 6 years of infertility drugs when I couldnt have another baby. Then self hatred kept those pounds on for another few years until this year I decided enough was enough and went on diet pills, diet and exercise program and lost 70 pounds. Now my libido is back and my husband's is gone! Anyway...sounds like you need to concentrate on your health and do it for yourself..and go out and get a life, job, go back to school and perhaps find a man. Maybe husband will get nervous and stop watching those stupid **** tapes. Maybe you can throw them out...cancel subscription to playboy or put a lock on paid per view channel? I know it hurts but stop blaming him and yourself and just get your life together starting with your health. You just can't believe how good it feels to be fit. (well I'm almost fit..have 15 pounds to go). But I have so much energy and stamina and I don't feel all the aches and pains in my joints. You will be able to withstand whatever is coming your way with this marriage if you are healthy. Good luck..keep writing.

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