No Intimacy

It's probably only been for about a year, now.  Although we're not married, the principal is the same.  I say it's been about a year, but in two years, we've probably been intimate maybe about three or four times.

When I've tried to talk to him about it, he denies that it's been that long or less and he jokes about having to buy me a toy and/or changes the subject.

Not that there's really much left to this relationship anyway, but some intimacies would be nice.

silvermystics silvermystics
51-55, F
9 Responses Jul 7, 2007

A relationship is based on a reciprocal attraction. If the attraction is based only on a simple and natural companionship between 2 human beings, sex is not part of the game except as an experience which should not have happened. That gives a taste of culpability for one of you and kills any additional sexual experience.
If the relationship is based on a reciprocal move toward the other, with a shared spontaneous sexual desire, then sex becomes an important part of the relation.
Usually in my experience it is possible that sex attraction becomes enriched by a reciprocal discovery outside the bed whith shared interests (movies, politics, music, art, food,etc...) or completely different fields of interest. The sex becomes a part of the daily life: it is the water for a flower...You cannot live without it. The partner becomes a part of you. Your half.
You should think to that: sexual relations are part of a natural move toward the other. They cannot be built artificially. You need both to feel the same impulse, at the same moment. When that is true desire comes even if you are away from the other (sex through the telephone while away).

In your case you have not to feel guilty: may be you would be happier as chaste friends only.
I may be wrong
Keep me informed about your anwer if you so wish.

My mate did the same in the beginning. It doesn't get any better. Can you find someone who has more to offer? Intimacy is important, although it isn't everything. Do you want to marry this person?

Actually, the principle is NOT the same. You are not legally married, therefore you can simply leave.

You may have similar EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL issues that someone in a sexless marriage may have, but you do not have the major LEGAL issue that those of us who are married must face.

Get out while you can. There's obviously a serious compatibility problem and he's not willing to meet your needs. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Not that I agree with sex before marriage. Nor was I a virgin when I got married (molestation) If you have encountered these major issues at this stage and insist on continuing you will only waste time. There are many persons just looking for what you have to offer. If you go about your way with honesty and and open mind to which race your love comes and open to truth there is no reason you cant find someone that is ment for you.

WittyOne: How exactly do you "insist" that someone answer a question? I've all but disected it down to a series of yes/no responses that could leave no ambiguity, and come away from the discussion still feeling like I didn't get an answer. If you read through the postings in this group, there is a common thread of manipulation... one partner flat out insists that there is nothing wrong with the relationship, and that the other partner is being unreasonable. They will use an amazing array of tactics to make it seem like they're the epitomy of reason, and you're a frothing at the mouth idiot. Try dealing with that... and the feelings of rejection and failure that follow. You don't go back to that well often.

Good sex is the "glue" that bind marriage together if its not there .....get out!

I'm assuming you are talking about sexual relations, as there are so many different types of intimacy. There may be a physical reason he avoids sex, and there are things you could do to try and get to the bottom of what is going on, but it sounds as if the lack of sex in your relationship isn't the main problem. Based on this statement "Not that there's really much left to this relationship anyway, but some intimacies would be nice." it may just be a symptom of larger issues, if that is the case you need to work these things out or move on, because it won't get better on it's own.<br />
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I had a good friend who's husband hadn't had sex with her for many years and she said she didn't know why. It had a devastating effect on her self esteem and over all happiness. Personally, I can't understand why someone wouldn't insist on getting an answer to the question, "Why no sex?", but I am a passionate, tactile person and physical intimacy is as important to me as emotional intimacy.<br />
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Good Luck

I understand what you're saying and how you feel. Your "nickel's worth of free advice", may just actually be worth a million! Thank you.

littlejoesmom, please forgive me for being too frank, but you have a world of heartache ahead of you if the relationship continues. I always thought intimacy would grow in time when my wife and I dated; it didn't. I'm so physically attracted to her I still get palpitations when I look at her; but it's been 7 years and I'm so physically/emotionally/initmately unsatisfied I could cry a river. I feel rejected and deflated. My nickel's worth of free advice: Look before you leap. My best to you and good luck.