Married 38 Years

I am married 38 years now and live in a sexless marriage, I have read lots of stories about this subject and one writer said every ones story is different.

My wife is unwell suffering from a constant back pain down at her tail bone and has arthritis. This has a lot to do with her lack of interest in sex.

What I cant understand is hugs, kisses and cuddles and kind words are a thing of the past also, we have a wonderful family and 2 grandchildren which my wife has not trouble baby sitting. Lifting them in and out of the bath is no trouble at the time, but suffers after wards.

I used  to say to her all the time about out lack of sex and the answer I get is "Is that all you think about" so I have stopped asking and am really confused about it all.

Having an affair or leaving is not the answer i would be looking for, she is a very kind person and has said to me in the past to leave and go and meet someone else. I just could not do that.

For anybody reading this, I have not made it very clear for an answer, as I write I think the real answer is. "There is light an the end of the tunnel" and I can only hope that some day my wife will get well again.  

Lipricorn716 Lipricorn716
56-60, M
15 Responses Nov 23, 2008

I pray that is the case. WE all deserve love..God Bless

My husband and I have been married goin on 23 yrs. He is a good man, hard working, loyal and faithful. <br />
<br />
Said that, I left him. As a nice guy that he is, he never made me feel like a wife. We were more like room mate with sex every now and then. There is no foreplay or cuddling or anything like that. Most of the time I would be sound asleep and would be woke'n up to it. After words he would hand my a towel and go to sleep. I was unhappy for many years. I even had affairs to give me what I so desperately craved, someone to want me, desire me.<br />
<br />
After a while I realized that this was not only unfair to him, but unfair to me as well. I just couldn't live like that any longer.<br />
<br />
Through the years together I have tryed to talk to him about how I feel and what could be done about it. But each and every time it always ended up back to the same way.<br />
<br />
I was about to just give up and just except things for what they were and try and find a way to "just live with it". But after about a year of it, I just couldn't take it any longer and sat him down and told him it was over.<br />
<br />
I have since moved out of state and I'm starting my life over.<br />
<br />
Am I happier? Some times.<br />
<br />
Am I lonely? Yes and no.<br />
<br />
Do I think I made the right choice? Most Deafeningly!<br />
<br />
I may never find another partner. I may be single for the rest of my days. But there is a total difference in feeling lonely while by myself, then feeling lonely while with someone.

jln99 hit the nail on the head. Many people use illness as an excuse not to have sex. There are other sexual activities that you can under take instead of intercourse. What ever happened to kisses, hugs and cuddling. I cannot understand how our spouses don't want some attention. I couold never figure this out.

After reading your story, I am fond of your patience and compassion for your wife's suffering. It's refreshing to hear of your appreciation for your family and you do not seem bitter for having to live with compromise. (I bet you're a great grandad!) <br />
I agree that it wouldn't be healthy for you to continuously suppress your desires. Or to suffer silently. I think you should seek happiness in whatever form is fulfilling for you.<br />
But, I'm feeling as though some comments that have been left are a little harsh on your wife. I would imagine that negativity is an easy emotion when one is living with physical limitations and pain. From your story, I wouldn't have assumed she is maliciously denying you. She may feel really inferior because of her condition. Maybe she needs some healthy encouragement instead. <br />
Keep trying. It's hard for me to think that she would mind her loving husband's persistant affection. <br />
Best wishes to you. I hope you both find what you need in each other.

I would think that their is something beyond the excuses because if she is able to lift grandchildren and have fun with them assuming they are young, then the pain she endures during these activities are pretty much the same. My point is pain of any sort is pain no matter what the reason is. I think that both of you should seek counseling to resolve this if your wife is not willing to discuss and resolve this with you. Sometimes a professional can intervene and maybe your wife will realize that this is excuse is not worth loosing you but rather rekindling what you have left. What I say to you<br />
is if she is pushing you away you should find out why before you decide to walk away. This way you will have no regrets if this is your choice, if you choose to stay then PLEASE seek professional counseling to help her<br />
see the light.

I understand after 38 yrs, hard to change things.<br />
Just keep trying to communicate with her....maybe, some flowers, cook dinner with candlelight some soft music might help her get in the mood....<br />
I honestly know how bad it feels to not have intimacy..any of the above would more than help me.<br />
Best wishes to you.

I understand after 38 yrs, hard to change things.<br />
Just keep trying to communicate with her....maybe, some flowers, cook dinner with candlelight some soft music might help her get in the mood....<br />
I honestly know how bad it feels to not have intimacy..any of the above would more than help me.<br />
Best wishes to you.

That was very nice reading, thank you for taking the time to write that.

King,<br />
one, sex is not your wife's priority. If it was, she'd lift your grandkids less and use the energy to have sex with you more.<br />
two, it never gets better.<br />
<br />
The sooner you understand that, the better off you're going to be. The worst situation is to live in a confused, hopeful state, which never comes to fruition.

I put the story on about 2 hours ago and I cant believe there is lots of people with the same problem.<br />
I say this half joking, "would'nt it be great if you could meet up with someone with the same problem have fun, go home and have no more headaches.

my husband is older than me and i too have chronic back pain but i have tried for ever to instigate the sex but there is always an excuse! i love to be cuddled and hugged and even kissed, and i dont mind if there is nothing else but he becomes hostile and starts an argument so he doesnt have to come near me,i to wonder were to go?

My wife is taking about 12 tablets every morning and I would agree that they do have a lot to do with no sex drive.

I'm in year 35 of marriage, and affection and sex were not really ever what I would call great, it used to exist. When my wife started menopause, her ob-gyn prescribed Effexor XR for her menopause. It totally ended all sex and affection. If your wife is taking any meds, it could have a lot to do with your situation, especially if there is more than one med. Drug interaction can do strange things to a person, if it is what is happening to in your situation. I know meds are necessary, but most doctors don't seem to check or in the case of my wife, care about multiple prescriptions.

Hi 2326king, sorry you're having such a difficult time. If you are waiting for your wife to 'get well again' then I don't think she will. Chronic back pain and arthritis are debillitating and saps your energy. You say she suffers after just lifting a child out of a bath so it's not really surprising that she doesn't want sex. You have been married for nearly 40 years and don't want to leave her so I think you will have to resign yourself to the fact that she doesn't want to have sex any more. A kiss or a cuddle isn't too much to ask of her though, so maybe you can work on her being more affectionate. Good luck.

Yes, the same with my wife she hugs and kisses the grandchildren.