Almost a Year

Well August 19 will be a year, I promised my self that if it went longer than a year I would file for divorce.  We went to counsleing on the 2nd visit the counselor told us that we didn't have a marriage we were roomates. My husband took this very hard, but he doesn't care to change the situation, a question that the counselor posed has stuck in my mind he asked my husband if you love you wife as much as you say you do doesn't it hurt you to see that she is hurting for your physical love?  He also told him that when a person loves another they do whatever is in their power to change, that is if they really love the person.  My thoughts are....if our spouses love us why would they put us through this, and if we really love ourselves why do we allow ourselves to stay in this type of realtionship?  I mean there has to be someone out there for me that will love me the way I want them to?  Do we all deserve the right to love and be loved.  I never understood what "longing" felt like, well I do now, but why should I long for someone that doesn't long for me? Do we all want to spen the rest of our lives sitting on this site looking for comfort because none of  us can open our eyes and see that maybe we are doing this to ourselves?  I don't know but divorce looks better and better as time goes by.  As they say you only get one shot at life you must make it the best and enjoy each day as it were your last, I would hate think that my last days of life were spent worriing anout my sexless marriage.  Any thoughts guys/gals?  How did we get ourselves in this situation and how do we get out of it?
mica mica
31-35, F
6 Responses Jul 9, 2007

i wish I knew how I got into my situation..I cam here to maybe get some help working it out.
I do identify with your situation and feel I am living with a room mate as well.
It is hard to go day after day without more than a brief cuddle a very occasional hand hold and nothing more.
My wife doesnt even seem to acknowledge there is a problem.
We sometimes watch mainstream tv that has an adult content to it but not even that triggers even a conversation such as its been 5 years since we did anything...

Great post, Mica. For me, I got in the relationship because I didn't know any better. I've since found out that i am codependent and love addicted. Love addicted attract love avoidants who are also codependent. This is a crazy combination that creates intensity that masks itself as intimacy, which it is not. You are young, get out as fast as you can, but do the work on you, make sure you are healthy yourself so you don't repeat this in another relationship. Best of luck. As for me, I am trying to be courageous enough to leave.

"Do we all want to spen the rest of our lives sitting on this site looking for comfort because none of us can open our eyes and see that maybe we are doing this to ourselves? "<br />
<br />
Oh my god, I know. This scares me so much.

november 2nd 4 me, I can't even remember if it was great! I took the kids 2 school,came home, slipped into bed with him............I really miss that!I guess I'm the only one. the ? I've been asking myself is............. why do I continue 2 want a man who obviously does not want me?...........good ?

Mica -<br />
<br />
You have added to the long list of women that are being ignored by their spouse that simply amazes me. I know that I am probably just ignorant for thinking that this is only a male problem, but I think that this sexless marriage thing really happens to guys much more often that to women. I guess that makes the women who are in this forum more unlucky than the men. Where I am really going with this is that you need to run away as fast as you can. As hard as it is for me to believe that I have been in a sexless marriage for nearly 12 years, it will be just as easy for you to get there. It happens one day at a time. I'm just going on my 4300 night of frustration. If you don't act, you will someday be right there. There is a man out there who will love you, cherish you, and pant after you year after year. Find your man. Your husband may be a 'great guy'. You deserve a 'great husband'.

Hi Mica<br />
<br />
I too, am sorry that you are here - telling your story and hurting like the rest of us. I just thank God everyday for sites like this - as it is a place to vent, and aire out what we feel inside. <br />
<br />
I know exactly what you feel when you say you now know what 'longing' feels like. I have known that for 7 years now. <br />
<br />
I have been having an affair for the last little while, and although the sexual tension has eased, the guilt is starting to rise. <br />
<br />
I want out - and I have to agree with jln that 'out' is the way to go. <br />
<br />
However, if you go, make sure to plan. Make sure you have money and a support system for you and your children. You all will need it. This is my 2nd marriage and when I left my 1st husband, I had nothing. Please do yourself a favor and PLAN, PLAN, PLAN!! It may just mean that you may have to wait a little longer to leave, but either one of two things could happen. 1. He may change - although highly doubtful or 2. nothing will change. You've been hanging in there as long as you have, so what's a little longer to ensure the well being of you and your children???? I hope you can make peace with your situation and do what is best for you and your children.

Couldn't agree more. Planning is everything. Somewhere to stay and a way to pay the bills while the whole mess is sorted out. Find a good lawyer if you think he's going to be difficult. Hell, find a good lawyer anyway. Good luck with your future.