I have never been "into" sex. I lost my virginity at age 21 and when it finally happened, I was left with the feeling of "What, That was it?! That's what all the big fuss was about?" So, I quit bothering with it. Sure, I had sex after that, but it was always the same. My friends all said that I just wasn't having it with the right person, but does that mean that I'm supposed to sleep with everyone until I find that right one? How 'bout NO. So, nearly all of my girlfriends between then and now have cheated on me because I don't care for sex as much as they did, and now that I'm married, my wife thinks that I don't love her because we only do it like once every 3 months. (Plenty for me, not enough for her) Sometimes, my wife feels that since I'm not having sex with her, that I must be getting it somewhere else. Obviously not the case, I just don't care for sex. So, is it my fault? Why should I be judged so harshly just because I have a low libido?

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6 Responses Nov 29, 2008

Marriage is always about compromise, even in sex. There is probably a middle ground that can make you both feel happy and fulfilled. My husband gets annoyed at times and asks why I need to have it every day. I give in and give him a break once a week. I really think everyone is just different, even in libido. :P

I agree that if your wife at least knew your feelings/ attitude towards sex before marriage, then at least she knew what she was getting into. Maybe it even seemed like it wasn't a concern for her. However, for most people, and seemingly for your wife, sex is an extremely important part of a marriage. Without sensuality and physical affection, it becomes friendship, not a unique, beautiful partnership. Try to put yourself in her shoes. She is craving sex, which is normal and human. She loves you and wants to feel that bond with you. It's hurting her emotionally and psychologically to think that her husband won't touch her. Even if sex isn't important to you, it's *very* important to someone who should be important to you. If not for your own sake, get a thorough medical examination for her sake. It could be a hormonal imbalance, a psychological issue, or something even more simple. Enjoying sex is a wonderful, amazing, exciting thing. Maybe you don't realize that, because it must be hard to understand if you've never felt it. Are you curious to? Would you be willing to be tested for your wife? You're coming to a group with such heartache and anger that your story will be hard to hear. Their feelings are justified. Don't do this to your marriage, don't let it slip. Your wife may love you, but if you can't fulfill her needs, she will ultimately resent you and potentially cheat as well. It's not her fault, it's a basic human yearning... one that seems turned off in you. I don't blame you (unless it was withheld from her) because it's how you seem to be wired, but you should be aware that it's not natural and you can't expect/ever hope for that basic human need to be turned off in her as well. <br />
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I'm sorry for my short novel and probably quite inept writing, but I really wanted to comment on this.

you shouldn't have gotten married. it was unfair to your wife.

A low libido is abnormal -- if you were a car, then you'd make it to the store and back, and you wouldn't break down, but you wouldn't be running right.<br />
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You need a full diagnostic -- it could be physical, it could be psychological, but Something is going on with you. <br />
Maybe some repressed memories, abuse in your past, family dynamics, medication you're on, low hormones, something. <br />
Also in my opinion, the fact that you think "you just have a low libido" means it's psychological, because it sounds like you're in denial that something is wrong with you.

NIQ,<br />
If you knew you didn't care for sex, did you tell your wife-to-be? Did she get married to you knowing your 'situation'? If yes, fine. If no, then you have done her a disservice, even swindled her into marriage. <br />
I don't know what to suggest. Sit her down and tell her. Figure out how you can help her meet her needs - toys, open marriage, separation, divorce... Also, get your hormones checked. Who knows...

I was in your spot. Sex seemed just, well, not enjoyable for me. I was young when I got married, had had a few other partners, but it was the same deal. But, then my husband convinced me to have an open marriage and to have sex with someone else to fulfill a fantasy of his. It was mind blowing. Seriously. Maybe because I was older and less self-conscious and had been having sex with my husband for years(which was awful, you can read my story). I don't know the reason. But, I'm telling you, it can be sooo different. Just the way two people fit........I don't know man, if you're satisfied with how it is with your wife and really do have a low libido, thenthat's different than me. I did think the same thing, that it was just that I didn't want it. I was wrong, I didn't want it because we weren't good together. <br />
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Unfortunately, if your wife is really unhappy this will continue to cause problems in your marriage. I hope you can work it out togethe before your marriage gets to the state mine is in, good luck to you.