Feeling Like a Jerk

I do not know what is sexless.

I do know I feel rejected, hurt, baffled and have too many nights staying here rather than go to bed. I seems to be about once a month right now, which is not sexless, just feels that way.

The worst is how  I react. I get edgy and angry, taking that out on my wife. If she rejects me, I get nasty to her.  I feel a bit in control, it is not her rejecting me, I am making her reject me! How stupid is that.

Plus I'm begining to feel that if I am going to be rejected,  I might as well get rejected for the good stuff. So, I ask for oral, or anal! Which as you can imagine really goes down well.

I am sick of being stuck in this negative trap. The times I try nice are the wost though.

I behave, I do all the housework, the cooking and leave her theevening to unwind. I do all her favourite things and........She goes to bed early.

The worst ever was I took her to a romantic inn, We had dinner,  I arranged for the hotelier to bring her a boquet of flowers to the table. She was adorable. We went home and she sat down to watch two hours of Buffy she had taped.

Barganax Barganax
51-55, M
50 Responses Jul 10, 2007

Oh My God !<br />
What does really turn them on ?

Well, good news I suppose. I have been working hard at things and we have made love twice this month! I believe that this is an improvement a huge improvement inour love life.<br />
All I hope is that this stays at this level. I can just about manage to be happy on such abundances

I can relate to this story... it really kills one, bit by bit over time.

Ok, CrystalCat, I will widen my interests and try harder.<br />
I am here on this forum to gain insights, gather tips and generally work out my frustrations.<br />
I am working like mad in this reality to sort out the problems too. I have talked endlessly with my wife and tried endlessly to see her point of viewand understand what is the problem, even if I am the problem.<br />
Am I getting anwhere?<br />
We have negotiated a way out, in that every Saturday she will try her damndest to make love. Will it work? I have no idea. My inner starving man does not believe a word of it. My soul wants to believe and will try, to be supportive, to be inventive and to continue t ohope where all hope has faded.<br />
As for general topics, I can and do talk to my wife about everything, any subject under heaven

Would I ask for steak or bread? If I was starving, I'd ask for the foodstuff that I thought I was most likely to receive. I'd try not to annoy the cook in any way. I'm a bit concerned for you that you don't seem to have any other interests on this forum except this. I know frustration takes up a lot of time but I wonder if you are talking enough to your wife about general topics and trying to find common ground that way.

Thanks CrystalCat,<br />
I've not been here for a while as I'm trying to sort things out in reality. Results are pretty miserable, but you never know.<br />
We talk more about the problem, but the sex remains elusive.<br />
I think the anal is like being starving. If you were really hungry and you knew that you would be refused food. Would you ask for a piece of bread or steak? She will refuse lovemaking, so I'll ask for anal, the refusal is the same.<br />
Actually you are wrong, women try anal twice. Once out of curiosity, and the second timetosee if it really did hurt that much!!!!!!<br />
Have one wonderful day

I really do sympathise - but I think that asking for anal is not going to help your cause. Some women try this once, discover it hurts like hell and then are really terrified it might happen again. I don't mind the IDEA of anal but, lets face it, our bodies were not designed to take it. Some people really can't do this thing without miserable repercussions, causing months of discomfort.

suggestion to "sick of being in negative trap"<br />
<br />
opinion : generally, i dont really know .. my opinion tends to be maybe u dont relly know each other .. as much as u each think u do .. or dont think u do fo rthat matter .. try getting to know each other, using different methods, maybe agreed methods, but simple ..<br />
<br />
whats each others top 3 favourite words in life ?<br />
(with no reasons attached)

lol...and if you see a plane. wave, i'll be the miserable one staring out the window. i'm not sure if we'll be flying over England though. we are going to Germany for a while and then flying to La Palma, Spain (Canary Islands of the coast of Africa)i don't know the flight paths.we'll see. ciao everyone

Hope you have a great time, if you fly over England give me a wave. I'll be the miserable one staring atthe flowers and the trees

good for you! it's ok to laugh. i find it somewhat amusing too (although i find it more sad than anything) but amusing none-the-less. glad to hear things are looking up for you! i am going on a trip to Europe in 5 days with my husband and little baby (to visit family). maybe a different environment will spruce things up for us a little.

(laughing) I should not laugh, yana, but your tale reminded me of the old saying about progress, as soon as you perfect a thing, it becomes redundant!<br />
I asked my wife if she ever faked it and she said no, it was pointless. She has in the past told me mid sex that there was no point in trying to make her come as it was not happening. So, she seems to tel lthe truth.<br />
Anyhow, a bit smug this morning. We made love! Yipee. A good start to the day/momth/ autumn and I will hope to build on it

oh. well.you would definately know her better than i do(since i've never met her of course) but i just figured i'd give you my thoughts on it since i am also fiercly honest with my husband in MOST things. there are things that can be too embarrassing or even something like faking an ****** that i haven't really wanted to share with him. (after i did finally share it we got creative and that's when i had my first ****** with a vibrator.unfortunately that's when our sex life started going downhill) anyway. i was just faking my ******* because i didn't want my husband to feel inadequate. oh well. sucks to be me now. i told him, we figured out what makes me ****** and BAM no more sexlife

good comment, yana. I have no idea if she is faking it. We men have to assume the woman is not lying. <br />
All I can say is my wife is fiercely honest in everything else, so I doubt if she would lie in bed. <br />

hey barganax. from a girls perspective. do you think that maybe she is faking it when you say she has 3 or 4 *******? up until i started pleasuring myself i never had an ******. i always pretended with my husband. i didn't want to make him feel like he wasn't doing it right. don't get me wrong, it felt good, but i just never had an ******. girls are pretty good at faking it too because we can just make the noises and no one will really know if we had an ****** or not. with guys it's pretty obvious because they *********. anyway. my marriage started out with lots of sex. and you want to know what the funny thing is. i got a vibrator and my husband and i had fun with it. i had my first ****** about 2 years ago with the vibrator and shortly after i started having ******* while having sex too. the funny thing is that after i started have real ******* our sex life deminished. man. talk about crappy. well. anywho. i guess i'm just rambling so i'll stop. just thought i'd put in my two cents.

Coming from the other side of things, I just want you guys to know that doing all of those little things is so very beautiful! I've been married to my husband for 14 years now and he is one of these kind of guys that doesn't hesitate to cook, clean, take care of the little ones. And he loves doing it. I make D*MN sure he knows he is appreciated. I make myself available to him in and out of bed. I always try to make sure he has my ear, my attention, and that he knows he is well loved and appreciated for who he is and then also for all that he does for me and the children. You guys out there that actually pamper and love your family really ought to be appreciated in return. Life is too short to stay in relationships that are not fulfilling. If you truly do all that you say you do, there really are women out there somewhere that will appreciate you for it. Make sure you're with one (or more if all parties are willing for multiple loves) of them if at all possible. For 14 years, I've made it abundantly clear to hubby that if he wants to make love to me, I will at the very least make myself available and cheerful because I love him so dearly. (In 14 years, we've never made love less than once a week... usually every other day or more.) I only say this so that you know there really are women out there that have an "open" policy so to speak ;) in the bedroom. Don't give up hope!!

Man that was me....exactly up until two years ago. I did all the cooking all the cleaning, shopping and totally restoring my house to make her happy. Sex was down to less than once a year and at that it would last minutes! Not because of me but because she just wants it over with in a hurry. So finally two years ago I quit! No more cooking cleaning etc.....and started being selfish instead spending my spare time getting in shape and doing what I want to do. Just wish I had the nerve to divorce, these days I feel pretty lonely in my self imposed solitude at home. I like being a husband and I used to like taking care of the house but I did it for her and don't want to give her anything now.

(Deep breath and trying not to lose it)<br />
Yes Baadgirl, it has occurred to me that I am a selfish, wrinked ***** of whiner who stinks in bed. Yes I took that route and spent ten years on meds, attempting suicide and destroying every atom of self esteem in an **** of self destruction. It's great to be able to have a queue of pool studs lining up for you oh so wonderful body and even more wonderful bad girl attitude. Good luck to you. I hope you never ever stare at yourself in the mirror wondering what the hell just happened after the hundred refusal finally gets into your heart.<br />
I am a great lay! When we do finally make love I make my wife come three four times in a row. I am fabulous in bed. That is what makes the situation more confusing, if I make her feel like that, why oh why will she not make love more? Why does she say no all the rest of the time. And yes baaadgirl I know women fake it and lie to ease we poor wrinkled stink in bed losers but I think not with my wife.<br />
It takes a lot of courage to come here and admit the situation, it does not help to get flamed by a person who is getting lots of sex and cannot see the problem. <br />
As for jirehs1, go and love your senorita! A latina friend of mine says latin women are the greatest in the world, they take great care of their partners.

hello gang. just got into this site and find it very, very interesting. especially since i feel i am reading words i've felt for 4 years+. for years i've given advice to my pals going thru similar stuff. now, it's my turn and i'm truly hating it. then i finally had a very wild affair and i was amazed at so many things. like, for instance, seeing life in color again. is this an exaggeration? well, when barganax and a few others finally make the big break they will also see life in color again. they will be alive again, and they will be astounded. but my affair ended, i'm with my wife again and like an idiot i 'fessed up' which was the most moronic thing i've done in my life. believe me, the truth will not set you free. not easily and not painlessly anyway. not i'm trying to work up the guts to make the big break. kids will take off to college again in two days and then it's just me, the wife and my dog. my big challenge? i had my affair in south america and if/when i make the big break it'll be to a completely different universe. i worry and i'm sick about what my daughters will think of me, or IF they'll think about me. if you can believe this, my senorita down south has been waiting for me for almost 4 years. i know i sound incredibly stupid and juvenile but i really feel if i don't make this big break that i will live the rest of my life like the other old guys on my street: work, cut grass, play some golf. and that's it. i miss being loved and i miss loving someone who loves me. anyone read doc laura's "proper care and feeding of your husband?"<br />
cheers to all, jirehs1

And one other little note... here is a fantastic article on boundaries. You need to make sure you are getting what you need, regardless. That is for you to decide. Noel Figart is a witty writer that covers various polyamory and general relationship issues in her blog. Enjoy. :)<br />
<br />

Perhaps you could put it to her something like this: "You and I love each other and want to stay together but sex has been a long term problem for us both. I would love to relieve you of the pressure by looking for an added relationship so that you and I can celebrate what we DO have together instead of stressing about what we don't have in common." You might even suggest that she find that same freedom too if she would be interested. I know some couples find this to be the only way to STAY together as they really don't meet each others' needs on their own. Who knows... maybe your perverse imp nature will surprise you with a positive outcome. :)

Beahplayame,<br />
Thank you for your wonderful comment. It was so nice to get a thoughtful and totally original suggestion. I wish with all my heart that you and your polyamour relationship thrives and works for all of you.<br />
My wife would refuse point blank to have a third person in the marriage. But, since I am ruled by an imp of the perverse I will ask her.

I know this is totally a shot in the dark, but perhaps she could come to the point of sharing you if it means she won't feel pressured for sex? Perhaps with her permission find a girlfriend and you and wife could still keep the part of the relationship you and she like...? Polyamory is by no means for everybody but I thought I'd mention it anyway. Other than being physically apart, hubby and I, whether we're angry or not, make sure we keep the physical connection at least every week. But for other reasons, we have had a girlfriend for more than a year and it has been absolutely beautiful. Make sure and soul-search... Live your life the way you truly want to live it whatever way that may be. Blessings to you and may you find peace (and hopefully sex. :) )

I know the escort is the wrong answer. I know the guilt will be terrible. But I'm human and drawn to that flame, that temptation.


I'll risk a contraversial comment here. (Sorry but it's getting to the stage where the frustration breeds nastiness) If you forced your sexual timetable on your wife, then the whole of society would come crashing down on you as a rapist. When she forces her timetable on you......... who apart from you gives a damn?<br />
It's my wedding anniversary on Sunday. I have booked us into a hotel, the usual romantic gestures. Part of me hopes, the othe sneers at my patetic hope.

I'm in the same boat as you. Only difference is that I complain to my wife about it an get mercy sex - the worst kind. In the past after some long dry spells I told her that it makes me unhappy and that I will likely leave her if I go without sex too long - I think this messed up things really bad because now she's just doing it to please me - when she does it - and after I begged a lot.<br />
<br />
Always such a mission to get sex out of her that I'm thinking of leaving - I think l'll be happier alone after all the pain and guilt are gone after a couple of years after leaving her.<br />
<br />
It looks to me like my wife has absolutely no interest in sex with me. Why is sex so important to me? Why is the frustration messing up my life so much? What's wrong with me for wanting it regularly... and the list goes on.

You seem to have tried, and now I hope you are able to cross that bridge which seems so hard to do. I'm planning to leave, as well. I have not spoken to her yet though.

I have tried all those things<br />
It was a bear trap this month. I seduced like mad and finally we amde love, followed by promises of more and a better sex life.<br />
I believed her.<br />
So, here I am again, hand on gland wondering how many times I can fall for that trick. <br />
I wonde if goin got a escort is a good plan. I know I would be racked with guilt, but I'm so horny attimes, it makes me weep.<br />
Anyoen out there who has tried this? Did it help? Were you able to hide the fact? Were you disappointed?<br />
The worst thing was one advert. She promised "great sex" I have no idea what great sex is, I felt like weeping<br />

It is an old cliche that men give love to get sex and women give sex to get love. We men do get grabby and we do assume women will make love to us as a route to intimacy. We presume too much maybe. I do try to seperate physical intimacy and sexual advances.

From the very narrow view one is able to communicate in a dozen lines, I don't feel able to give any specific useful advice, but I can relate my experience and you can decide if it is something you can relate or not.<br />
<br />
My exhusband rarely was physically affectionate, unless he wanted sex. It didn't take long to read the signs.<br />
Maybe it was my obstinate, independent nature, but I got to a point that everytime he was physically affectionate it had the effect of turning me off. By the time we divorced I had convinced myself I could live without sex.<br />
Luckily I came (no pun intended) into my own after the divorced and realized I really do enjoy sex, but I have to get affection at other times too.

No, there is no affair. I amy ne deceiving myself, but I think I would know. And to be honest, if some guy can get more sex from my wife than me, I'd buy him a beer!<br />
We drove to my sister in laws today, a few hours drive. Itried to talk things over. She agreed to everything, but I fond that frustrating. It's hard to argue when they agree. But things seemed ok, I did not lose my temper. She has promised to make love tomorrow, when the house is empty! <br />
Fingers crossed

Buddhistway: I know exactly what you're talking about. It is so very much counter to human nature to give good, and NOT feel bad when you get crap in return. The only way around it is to train yourself to not drink from the fountain of despair when it happens. It obviously ain't easy, and I'm only about half successful myself, but in the end you're stronger for it. Barganax: Of course she doesn't want to commit to counseling! She'd be giving up control.

She refused professional help? Hmmm...I don't mean to be negative, or put possibly wrong ideas in your head....but has she acted any differently in other areas of your lives together? Possible affair? Or even if she is of age...menopause and doesn't want to face it?other med issues that she possibly doesn't want to face?<br />
I say affair because she is unwilling to get help...if you don't want to get caught then why would you? It is just a thought, I hope it doesn't put that fear in you for no reason at all...it was just a thought on a strangers mind for your situation.

I have asked and asked. I have tried to get the reaons, or just the whys. I get the response that nothing is the matter. When I was in analysis the shrink ofered to medate but she rejected the offer.<br />
I have tried the idea of her being into fetishes, nope. I am at the coal face of trying to be nice, of being reasonable and polite, whilst starving to death.<br />

Have you spoken to her? Asked her what is up? What she would like to see happen in bed..or maybe what would turn her on? Who knows maybe she is into a fetish and is a bit ashamed..thus causing lack of interest? I have to test this theory of talking to your other half...it worked great for me (for at least ONE time so far, we are only on day one LOL) I just found out what he wanted and did it! Or here is a thought...stop being negative when she rejects you, be persistent instead....she refuses one night say "that's ok (insert nickname here)" then try again the next night..or like I said find out what she wants or if there is something else entirely going on that is bothering her.<br />
Just my thoughts.

Thanks for all your comments. My PC decided to pack up over the past few days, hence the silence.<br />
You've all been very helpful and given me losts to think about. I agree being nasty is a waste of time and I'm trying hard to stop it.<br />
It is good to know that here, most people seem to "get it" in that don't want to leave, don't want an affair and don't want to sit in some ***** club geting second hand jollies.I want my wife.<br />
It is interesting to see how many people keep fit and try to stay desirable. It's as if we are determined to find ourselves desirable at the very least.<br />

Benched: well said! Barganax: the "Romantic Inn" part of your story makes me equally sad and furious... I've been there, and no words can even come close.

Barganax -<br />
<br />
All I can say is you have come to the right place. I truely believe that those of us who write in to this forum are truely the most frustrated individuals on earth! As a group, we feel unworthy, ugly, useless and unable to fulfill the most basic needs of another. I think I'm pretty normal. Professional, produce great income, normal looking at worst, very physically able. Why, like the others who write in, can't I get laid? I guess I think rather inwardly. I am completely stunned that there are women who write in to this group. Anniecoyote, ElleMeza, lillyanne, seasonschange (to name a few)... with their attitudes about life, I would think that any man would be thrilled to be their partner. I realize I stuggle with a paradigm, but I have always felt that women could 'get some' at any time. I know that this is an illusion, that there is a frigid guy out there for every fridgid woman. Why couldn't they have only found each other instead of trapping 'the rest of us' in a totally unfulfilling existance? Hang in there Barganax. I know that once a month feels like you are living a sexless life (wanna trade?). Start pushing the envelope in some way that you haven't tried before. You are worth it!!!

Thanks jln99 & ElleMeza, for your encouragement. In Costa Rica I don't think I will be pursuing anything but my surgical recovery and SPanish school at this time. I AM still married, and when things cool down a bit, I will have the talk with the husband about what he expects either of us to do about sex and dating, whether to file a divorce, what to do. But if it pops up (little pun, hahaha) in my lap, I might have a hard time to say no. But I don't want to give myself away cheaply...I would like a relationship too, and even better, one with the one I married because he asked me. And Cheleanne....I was thinking we could vote jln99 as Master Psychologist and Advice giver on this site, for sure! Hip Hip Hooray!!!

Hey JL,<br />
<br />
Are you a psychologist? Or a marriage counsellor? As I have stated before, you are so insightful and have a real life grip on this topic. Hey all, we are so LUCKY to have JL here... <br />
Hip Hip Hooray!

I'm through the worst. I went through the depression, the feeling of ugliness and worthlessness. I tried self harm for a while, can't say I recommend that. Like most of the guys I have become a dab hand at self abuse. But I reallly, really want the pain to end and my wife to make love to me.<br />
The Ultimatum boiler plate sounds ineresting!<br />
Thanks everyone for the advice. It's good to know I'm not the only guy on earth in this hell.<br />

Sorry grendelan (and other guys). Sigh...I am just so desperate right now.

You have my sympathy my man! I have spent the best part of 20yrs in your situation & believe me it dosen't get any easier with time.<br />
lets put this way if s/one was abusing you how long would you stay with them.Well denying your partner the joy of sex is the worst abuse imaginable. It eats away at your very soul & embitters you to your partner & spills over into all aspects of your being<br />
My constant theme in this Forum is "sex is the glue that bind marriage" & I don't think there is anyone disagree with me.<br />
In short get out before its too late & in your 50s like me. Good luck.

That kinda talk could 'splodinate every one of the guys here! <br />
<br />
*Sigh* Of course, when I say "no", I mean "yes"... you girls keep on talkin...

My excuse for staying is my kids. It's still just an excuse, though, because I know I'm setting a horrible example for them. Without the offspring dynamic, you have more room to work with. Why not give The Ultimatum (any of us can supply you the boilerplate text), and if you're ignored, don't come home. Find a place to stay for a couple weeks. That should give you all the decision support info you could ever hope for.

I wish someone would ask me for oral and anal. God, I would jump at the chance. ****...this sucks to be so horny. SInce the age of 15, I have never had to go this long, even post birth of a child..in 4 months I had sex once (well I was travelling for 5 weeks, but when I returned he wouldn't touch me). And that one time....I only got a little then ended it with a magnificent BJ for him. Don't lose your will Barganax, don't lose your self. Fix it or go.

toxic?<br />
Maybe. But this could be why I stay, the poison robs me of my will. I fear leaving. I do not see a happy place, rather a bedsit, me and no money, life or anything. I fear divorce will be an end not a beginning

Thank you, Cheleanne. It is that stupidity, the way we stay, hoping against experience, or a change. Or too fearful of leaving.<br />

Sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have done a lot to try to wine and dine her to the bedroom. I am a woman and my husband is much like your wife. There is no sex in my marriage either - so I can totally relate... I hope JLN99 makes a comment for you as JL is so insightful and smart.<br />
I have to say that getting out may be a way to go... instead of living unhappily. I know that I am totally comtemplating moving on and living a happier life. My problem is the guilt of leaving has me crippled. I hope you can come to a conclusion and be happy....