2014 Resolutions

1.) Talk less do more.
Many of my EP friends on here have issues telling people IRL what is going on in your relationships. I find myself spewing constantly. I make a friendly connection? Spew. My entire life. I caught myself doing it just last night. It annoys me. I sound like a narcissist. I DO listen and care about others, but is it possible that I am that self-involved that I just have to "tell my story"? Why do I have this need? I immediately felt guilty for being so mean to my husband behind his back. I know he won't talk to me about anything meaningful, but am I now the mean one? I am not sure he deserves my guilt, but I still sleep next to him, he's still my children's father.
2.) On that note, individual therapy.
Maybe a good friend cannot replace a therapist. Especially when one uses acquaintances as "good friends". Blech. That realization makes me feel worse.
3.) Develop interests besides work.
Why don't I even know what I like anymore? Every life experience I encounter is like a lukewarm bath.
4.) Stone-cold sobriety.
5.) Actually visiting that lawyer.

Writing it here makes it meaningful. Thanks to all my EPers for telling your stories, listening to mine. Hope and love to all of you in the New Year!
jmx46578 jmx46578
36-40, F
9 Responses Jan 1, 2014

I think ... this is an incredibly great post. I feel you have the energy for all five. Legal will help build a workable plan. The right therapist is much better than using friends- EP or IRL. But do be sure, since time is a precious commodity in therapy to find a NO BS therapist that will challenge you effectively. That, in my experience, is hard to find.

I am big on #4 being on the list. Does not matter where on the list as it stands on its own. I thin exercise fits in that line too -- endorphins from working your hiney off will help hold #4 solid.

I think the lawyer needs to be at position #1. Here's why -
- let's say that you worked out some grand plan to kick his arse to the kerb, take your half of the money and the kids and go live in Acapulco and take up a career as a caberet singer and derivitives trader.

Great plan. But in your jurisdiction it may be illegal to re-locate the kids to a foreign country.

Your plan has to be constructed within the framework of what is legally do-able, and that must be established BEFORE detailed planning, and the only way to do that is to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish the facts.

Tread your own path.

I'm with ya on 2, 3, & 5, jmx.

On 1, I dunno (or I misunderstand). I've found it helpful to post here, among people who are going through the same thing as us... and to share more details with an ILIASMer or two with whom I "hit it off". Wouldn't want to swear that off.

But I haven't told anyone I meet in person much at all. And I do try not to speak unfairly negatively of my wife and our situation, either in person or on here. That's good policy, I think.

(And on 4, I've never been a real heavy drinker... generally stay within the doctor-recommended 7-10 drinks per week.)

But all of that is secondary to this...

Happy New Year, JMX... hope 2014 brings you good things. :-)

Yeah. #1 is my struggle. I am okay with posting here. I don't have any guilt there. I am upset that I am an over-sharer IRL. I think it would be easier if he talked to me at all. Then maybe I wouldn't have the need to talk to others? Maybe I wouldn't feel guilty because I would know what "his" side is. I just don't have that info. It drives me crazy and I find myself telling others to find a different perspective maybe? I don't know. Won't quit here.

Happy New Year to you to D! I appreciate it. Only good things to you as well this year :)

Holy smoke, do I know how you feel. When my SM 'came to a head' the first time, 10 years ago, there was an 18 month stretch when we weren't having any kind of intimate contact, *and she wouldn't talk to me about it at all* (at least no talking of any substance). Drove me absolutely bat-&%&! crazy.

It's part of what makes an SM a problem, I think. If your refuser would actually communicate with you about it, you at least wouldn't feel so disconnected.

1, 3 & 5 reflect my resolutions. ..miserable git I'm married to wouldn't even come with me and our daughter to her first new year party last night. I even bought the ticket.
I'm so lonely I'm blurting this to you. ...good luck I hope you have a wonderful New Year!

I like 1 & 5. ;)

Congratulations. Looks like you have a good plan.

That was great,never heard it like that

Telling my IRL female friends and gay male friends was what helped me realize I wasn't being selfish or a perv to have expected and have wanted a fulfilling sex life with my now ex husband. Friends told me his refusing was emotional abuse, and they urged me into individual therapy. All of that helped me leave my marriage for a much happier life.

Metta - same thing for me. H started to cut me off when we lived overseas and I had nobody to talk to in person. After we returned to the States, I confided in my best female friend who now lives in the same city, and I started to see how truly f'ed up my situation really is...

Thank you for sharing