Top 10 Struggles In a Sexless Marriage


I found this on another web site and pasted it here.  This is not an endorsement for this book and at the same time I believe I have been through every one of the top 10 in my sexless marriage.  I thought I would give my wife another opportunity to to mend this marriage but I believe she is ignoring my needs and sincerity's once again. 

Hopefully all in same situation will see "WE ARE NOT ALONE."


Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage Category: Marriage, Sexless Marriages


For 30 years I have been working with individuals and couples as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and over that time I have heard a lot of stories about the struggles couples are having in their sexless marriage. Here are the TOP 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage.

Struggle No. 1

Frustrated Libido. That’s it. This one is pretty obvious. Some of us have a very strong sexual desire, and some of us don’t. The No. 1 struggle in a sexless marriage is that you, or your partner, or both of you are sexually frustrated. A fundamental drive is not being gratified and the frustration is very real. Sexual desire is simply low, or non-existent.

Struggle No. 2

The Frustration often turns into anger. You get frustrated when you don’t get what you want, and that often leads to anger. In fact, you might well be in a sexless marriage because one of you is angry with the other. If you won’t give me what I want, then I won’t give you what you want. Or, If you won’t give me what I want, then screw you!

Struggle No. 3

Control dramas begin, take on a life of their own, and are very hard to stop. Out of frustration you try to control your partner to behave differently, and the more you try to control the more you push your partner away. Anger and distance take root and sex turns into a battleground.

Struggle No. 4

Confusion abounds. What is going on? What changed? Why doesn’t my partner want me? Why don’t I want my partner? What can I do to change this? How long can I tolerate this? What will happen if our sex problem doesn’t go away? What can I do? Question after question, and the answers seem to be illusive.

Struggle No. 5

Your self-esteem sinks. In the beginning you probably found each other to be attractive, but now, that attraction has shrunk to almost nothing. The looks, the touches, the gentle and seductive conversation all of it is a thing of the past. Your self-esteem has been affected and you begin to wonder What is wrong with me? Am I not attractive any longer? Am I to blame for our sexless marriage? Shame and guilt stifle your life.

Struggle No. 6

Moral dilemmas grab you. You value marriage, and you want to protect the sanctity of your relationship. You love the kids and the whole family, but the thought of continuing without intimate, erotic sex is unbearable. Is this relationship too good to leave, but too bad to stay? What is the right thing to do? Should I stay in my sexless marriage, or should I go?

Struggle No. 7

You can’t believe you are thinking about an affair. What would it be like to be with someone who wants you, who actually desires you? Could you get away with it? Is it okay to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with someone else as a way of actually saving your marriage? What are you thinking? Listen to yourself! Well, you are thinking about it, and that frightens you.

Struggle No. 8

Where do you go for help? With whom do you talk about this sexless marriage issue? Your friends? Your spiritual leader? You medical doctor? Your sister or brother? Heavens no, not the kids! Should you go see a counselor and talk about your sexless marriage? Will your partner go with you? If you don’t talk with someone you will go nuts!

Struggle No. 9

You have to find a solution! You are driven to get to the bottom of this. Is it a physical problem? Is it a relationship issue that has you stuck in a sexless marriage? How about a personal problem either with yourself or your partner? Or is it a cultural influence that is interfering? Or, God forbid, is it a spiritual issue that somehow has you stuck? You are driven, almost obsessed with getting to the bottom of it, and fixing it. Fix it NOW!

Struggle No. 10

You frightened that your relationship will end of your sexless relationship. Disoriented and scared. You can’t stop thinking about your sexless marriage and you are headed for a panic attack. This is a horrific situation for you to be in and you are afraid that the lack of sexual desire in your sexless marriage will drive you crazy. The anxiety, the fear it is getting to you. You might just have to leave to get beyond the anxiety and struggle.

Yes, these tend to be the Top 10 Struggles in a Sexless Marriage. If you are in a relationship where you have sex 10 times a year or less, you might well be able to identify with many of them. The more you struggle, the worse it feels sort of like quicksand!

That’s why I have written Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage, and all the helpful solutions you will find at

Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage

sexless marriage ebookThis article was by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT, LCSW, content expert Always use your common sense when seeking advice for your sexless marriage. Where appropriate, always consult your physician.

Dr. Atwoods “Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage” eBook retails for $19.95 (Click Here)

More help for a sexless marriage.

Ladies, help for a sexless marriage from a woman’s point of view can be found at: “Get Him In The Mood” 

cstreaker cstreaker
51-55, M
23 Responses Nov 30, 2008

I am only 24. We haven't done ANYTHING except kiss since our 1st day of our honeymoon. We've almost been married a year. I just feel like there is no hope. This list is very true.

There is hope...this isn't can change. You must change it. Please don't give up.

When I met my husband he didn't tell me he had a ED. We didn't have sex before marriage, and it was a big surprise in our wedding night, to know that he just can't have an erection. I accepted this, thinking we could find a solution. He is 18 yrs older than me. This year will be our 6th anniversay. I am sad, very lonely. He is a good person, he supports me, loves my daughter as a father, cares for us, but I do not feel desire for him. At the begining we tried, yes, there are "other ways" and it was fine. But I do like sex, penetration is the thing! I love sex, I mean love it! I am very pasionate but I had to repress all that.
I can't leave him, because I feel compasion for him. BUT I do feel fooled, he knew something was wrong and didn't tell me before we got married. Now I feel stuck. It didn't bother me as much until now. I met someone (I am not having an affair ), it was just talking, laughing, made feel pretty.
I mean I am 38! I am young, I want to feel desired. This person gave me a self esteem booster. Nothing will happen as we will not see each other again (he was my professor for one semester, and he is also married).
I am not looking for an affair, but I think is not fair to live like this.
I guess I just need to vent my frustration and keep going.

All because I made a promisse, for all eternity.
I feel stupid.

I'm so sorry for your frustration.

i haev experienced almost all of these situations in just a 5 year time span. It hurts like hell. and this person, knows what htey're talkin about

if you have any problems so go to

<p>This writer almost mirrors my situation. I had a bad experience on my honeymoon, which seemd to be a lack of trust, but I didn't want to end the relationship so quickly. I thought time would help - I was wrong. Now after having two wonderful girls, and 37 years of stiffling my own needs, concerns, and desires, it is tool ate to change anything. </P><br />
<p>I have tried talking to professionals, with little result. My last try with a decent psychologist was interesting and might have been helpful, but my spouse would not go to a meeting with me. I inherited a tendancy toward depression, but have controlled it with meds and my doctor. My doctor gave up on her as she won't help herself. She is "short" with me most of the time, never compliments me (Ithough I try to give her compliments), never any thanks for anything I do, never finishes anthing (won't put her dishes in the dishwasher for ex), and says I should let her be herself (grumpy - unsmiling) at home since she can't be that way at work. She is a 180 degree different person at work. Did i mention no sex for decades? At this point I wouldn't give her sex, I won't do it, and I am not sure I can anymore - lack of use. </P><br />
<p>I have given up trying to accomplish any changes with her. My doctor tells me she is half the problem with my depression. It is not that I don't care at all for her; I don't want anything bad to happen to her. However, now i just want to get through the rest of my life and get it over with. There is no joy in my life, and hasn't been for decades. Oh yes, I used the kids as an excuse for keeping things together. I tried to normalize things for the kids, but they could see through things.</P><br />
<p>My Mother did the best she could after my Father died when I was nine, but I never received any good sex education or advice on women. I went into my marriage knd of blind and too quickly. Actually, I was afarid of women for some reason.</P><br />
<p>Enough said, I just must muddle through the rest of the life I have left.</P>

Dang man, I'm truly sorry for you. I've been in a sexless marriage for 10yrs now. It's nothing compared to yours so I can't say I understand but I do feel for you. Did you ever consider sex outside marriage and were you able to do it? I think I'm already loosing my mind but reading your story gives me some hope, may be I can make it that far too. I pray that the rest of your life will be filled with joy and satisfying in ways YOU need it to be. I do believe in power of prayer and I'm really believing in it for you!

Hi Curious,

I thank you for your concern, and I hope that you can do better than I at remaining in your relationship. Sex isn't everything, like compliments and some touching, but it is a serious loss. You don't feel as comfortable or intimate as when sex was available and enjoyed by both. You are just not connected at a certain level which makes a marriage more meaningful. Sex is another way you show you love and care. I still care, but not deeply anymore. I am happier when she is away from home. Terrible to say, but it is true.

I know now that she hid her true self from me while we courted, so I did not truely know her as well as I should have. I saw problems early in the marriage, but I was adverse to divorce - no one in the family had ever done it. Besides it was an admission of failure on my part. Maybe living together before marriage like lots of couple do today would have helped, as she couldn't have hid her true self from me as she did. I tend to bottle up my feelings, so even when she is in a good mood I don't respond in kind.

I did have a little sex outside the marriage, but only twice. OMG did it feel good, but it was difficult to obtain. One was while I was alone on a trip once with an emt - not to be repeated again. Too far.

Since I have tried everyway I can think of to resolve this problem, I have given up. I did join a nearby swingers club which is clean and discreet. However, the sex I wanted wouldn't happen because of me, not my willing partner. I think it was two things: meds from operations on my knees and hip, and plain lack of libido. At a nursing home they told me that "you use it or loose it", by which they mean walking etc. I think it applys to sex too.

I'm not totally blameless, I didn't know enough about sex or women at first. Lack of education about how to please, etc.
I wish I knew what I know now when I was younger. Too late now.

I do hope you can resolve your problems without divorce, but I can certainly understand if you can't. I am to the point that I couldn't/wouldn't have sex with my spouse if she asked. Too many bad things are blocking any desire along with the lack of will on her part to get any help with her problems.

Good luck!

your life is not over. my great aunt restarted her life at over 50. its HARD to do , but very possible.

would u like to get help

How low can you get man? Trying to take advantage of people that are going through real pain in life with your empty, useless promises, all to make some money??? Rasi??? Do something better with your life, don't waste it like this, yes this is a waste!

Yes... AstroMacho...just go away.

This has been my life for 17 years. Its almost painful to read, but I'm glad I did. Until I found this group today I thought I was alone. I could have written this list. Thank you for your post.

I'm already at 10 - no hope for me.

I have been like this for years and the book you mention is good but the book I like from Roy Paget called Solutions to your sexless marriage. He says that there are 2 paths - either stay or go - But if you stay then try to get your partner involved or have an affair (not in so many words) But the point is that I needed someone to let me know that my feelings were natural and it wasn't just all my fault. And when you read the accounts and peoples stories then I got a sense of feeling less guilty about things - It helped me.<br />
I found the book on PayLoads store for £12.96 or $18+ dollars<br />
It was a good read and I felt sad when I came to the end of the book. There is nothing to lose and the is a website at sexual intelligence4u where there is a video of him telling you about the book. I only found the site after I had bought it though!<br />
I will try to give more details but I am new to this!<br />
Good luck!

Solutions like making an effort to satisfy the other. Getting help on lack of self esteem. Pills, lotions, toys...just to name a few others.

RS, what solutions are you referring too?

Been struggling through it for about 15 years now...I know what the struggle does he. We both are aware of the differences in our libido's or lack there of. We are both aware that there are solutions that we can both live with. But when it gets to the point of one or the other not caring to try the solution....where do you go then/what do you do?

well there are actually others that feel this way. Im 36 and that is what scares me...

Haven’t read the book, but think I did #9 way way before #10. And, I’m with StoriesMom at #11, the point where you stop expecting or wanting or desiring yours spouse. By setting expectations at the ‘floor’ so to speak, there is no room for disappointment and it gives me greater clarity and control.

Haven't read the book-but I'm with storiesmom--at 11

I have not read that book, but I have read every other book known to man. I have left them out, begged him to read them. I have been through stages 1-10 at least 5 times in 12.5 years. <BR><BR>I had to have an affair, and leave him to find out that he loved me, but that he has a fear of failure. . . <BR><BR>Still baffled. A sexual issue is just that. If someone has no interest in sex, it is just that. Sure they can probably fake it for a while, but there isn't a book in the world that can solve anyone's problems. I have more self-help books than most people have pills, and I am still here, still wondering if I should end my marriage or go back to it. <BR><BR>Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, there is much to be said about that.

Hello,<br />
<br />
I am currently hovering somewhere around between 8-9. MizzBlue72 and notdarcy, Touche'. It makes you almost hate yourself to let go ( again) and then end up back in the same "sexless" boat. <br />
I am currently reading, "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis. God! I'm plastered all over that book. Unfortunately, I recommend it. I have gained some insight from it and I hope someone else can glean some tidbits of understanding from it so they can possibly help make some sense of their existence. It's an easy read and, right to the point.<br />
<br />
storiesmom: my wife looked like a complete stranger to me this morning when I left for work. It was almost surreal... I had to turn back and look a couple of times.

11. After going through 1-10, you no longer care or desire your partner.

Oh yes I identify with alot of these! I'm sure books like these offer alot of helpful advice if both partners are willing to work on the problem. But if your sexless spouse is happy with the situation there's bugger all a book can help you with.

OK - that's nice and all - to have this book, but (and please - I am not trying to be cruel) but I have had a sexless marriage for the last 4 years. I don't think a lot of this is earth shattering for me .... except my heart is still crushed, I hide all of my feelings from my husband, and constantly tell everyone that I am 'fine' so I won't cry all the time. <br />
<br />
Even now, that he begins to try (not sexually0 but talking -- I still hurt so much that I will not let him in.

I do not have the book. I am very familiar with it and its writer. He knows his stuff. I have also been in each of these states. I have struggled and been all over the spectrum as I attempt to make sense of insanity. The answers always seem to be just beyond my reach. I have given up talking about it, have stopped the discussions and ended the letters and other pleading. I have reached that point in #8 and would say I am also experiencing some of the difficulties in #10. The major problem with this book and other self help books regarding this topic is that the sexless marriage is not limited to you the individual. It is a complexsive intanglement of difficulties that both you and your spouse are dealing with. If she/he is not willing to make strides or differences then you are just preaching to the choir and all your attempts will be wasted and frustration will again settle in and be overwhelming. It is nice to be able to read this type of book and get information. It is human nature to find ourselves looking for, reading, researching and digging for answers. We need them for maybe self preservation but it does not provide us with resolution. I have just reached a point in my life where I am seeking resolution and it might not at all be a prosperous and healthy relationship with my wife.

I haven't read the book, and frankly, I'm past this point. Most of us who have been here for a while know that the root of a sexless marriage generally does not begin with lack of sex. The root exists in other aspects of the marriage and lack of sex is a consequence as opposed to a cause.<br />
<br />
Give it a shot, M. What have you got to lose?

As I said earlier, I have been in each one of the top 10. Does anyone have this book? Did you read it? Was it worth reading?<br />