I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You

There are many variations, actually, but it all means the same thing.   I also think it is a convenient lie.  I think it is a dodge used so someone can lie to themselves and others about the real issue.  So someone declares "I love you, but I'm not in love with you".  Then what?  Do you get a free pass on reality?  Do you get to sit on the fence?  Stay home from work?  Not pay the rent?  I must've missed school the day they explained that.  Seems to me the appropriate thing to do would be to go away somewhere and get your **** together... and stop screwing other peoples lives up. 

Update: Whatever the reason our spouses have for emotionally abusing us, it's something they don't want to let go of. Instead of titling this I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You, I may as well have titled it I Love You But I'd Rather Throw You Under A Bus Than Examine My Own Problems. My next step is to drop the "D-bomb".

grendelan grendelan
46-50, M
12 Responses Jul 10, 2007

Well... I gotta say, I'm confused. I won't relay the particulars, but why would a woman describing the parameters of a "**** buddy" relationship lapse into a bunch of stuff that is obviously on the other side of the line? It's like intimacy is too complicated or difficult to properly navigate? And how could you have a ****-buddy relationship with someone you cared about, even a little? It would be so much easier if I could just be evil.

Yeah, grendelan, almost all cars in S America and Central America are manual trannies. I learned a long time ago, like them, although in SF they are a pain, or in big traffic places like LA, so I have had both. I'm gonna check out your new group...

horny60: Right on. I think I'm about to find out what happens when we deny them their side of the contract. Stay tuned.

I am sick & tired of dissecting the reasons that we tolerate the situation that we find ourselves in. The reality is simply this that our partners are selfish people that have chosen to treat us thus as they don't want to have sex & to hell with our desire for it.<br />
What way would they react if we behaved like them & denied them our side of the contract. Personally I have despaired of ever having "normal" relations again in my life.<br />
Circumstances differ for e/one but this old "sage" would advise out for those who can and

I hear that one jln99! It may be that they don't always know themselvs.either way it is frustrating!

Anniecoyote: you drive a car with a manual trans? Props!

I just started a spin-off Experience Group: "I am Leaving a Sexless Marriage". I defined the reasons for making it a separate EG in the initial "story". Ideally, we can keep each main thread separate... Financial, Emotional, Children, etc.

Cheleanne, you hit the nail right on the head and took the words off my keyboard: 'I don't want to hurt anyone'. I think that stops a lot of people from doing what they should do - be honest - and do what needs to be done for everyone's benefit in the long run. Grow a spine, get some guts - say what you really mean, regardless of how much it will hurt me. Stop lieing to me about it - speak your mind. But we really don't want to hurt anyone - its not our/their intention to cause pain. Yet it happens because the whole truth is not being spoken and discussed. I went through this with my wife a few month's back and it started us going in the right direction (for a while anyway - now we've slid right back so who knows???)

Ok, so how do we get out? I mean, I want to get out of my 7 year marriage because of the lack of sex - and to be honest - ok - now don't all jump on me at once, but I honestly don't know if I love my husband anymore... I want to leave - but have a guilt about it.... I don't want to hurt anyone, but I know that's inevitable.

That piece of crap? 1997 Isuzu Rodeo with 260,000 kilometres on it. Clutch went out on it today (3rd time)I found out, talking on chat to the husband...But cars are expensive in Colombia. I paid equivalent of $14,500 USD cash for it in Nov 2005. But thanks grendelan. I think I'll focus my energies on other things...upon which I better not expound at this moment since you already told me earlier I better watch it...(hahahhaha)

Let's form a posse and get your car back :)

Yeah, my husband said this to me. After only 1 yr of marriage. Pretty weird. What the F*** does that mean, anyway...?? What do you say..? "oh, okay, so now what honey? Does that mean you want to go get a model girl to bang, or you just want to sleep next to me in your clothes, or go out with your friends and forget about me (except that's my car you are driving). Who knows....It is a convenient excuse. I just want an answer, and not a different one each time. Jln9 said this, that it's so frustrating to not ever get the real answer. And to know we probaby won't ever. That's screwed up. I keep saying I won't let it screw me up, but you hardly can't help but be affected, can you?