7 Months and Counting ...

Sorry I think I posted this is the wrong section earlier, was supposed to go under "share a story" ...   Please, please don't take this the wrong way ... but I never thought I'd be online at 12:30 a.m. posting that I live in a sexless marriage.  Wow ...   I thought I was the typical, all American girl, living the American dream ... but I'm not.  Where to begin?  My high school sweetheart and I married young, right out of high school.  Back then sex was good, normal.  Four years into the marriage we had our child and all was well.  After a few years we tried again and had many years of complications involving miscarriages, fertility treatments, etc.  Sex became a bit of a job, we HAD to have it at certain times along with the meds, etc.  We never did conceive again.  Twenty years later we are still together, but over the past 5 years sex has all but dwindled.  It has been 7 months since we were last intimate ... it may be even longer but I know for sure it didn't happen since November because I had xrays and had to assure them I wasn't pregnant ... lol, what a joke on so many levels.  If I ever bring up sex, I'm accused of PRESSURING him!  I never bring it up any more ... now I'm just counting the days until my child goes off to college and I will go off somewhere too.  I have come to the realization that if I'm alone, I wont be having sex for a reason and I can deal with that more than being married to someone and being rejected and feeling like every day that passes is another day when I'm not attractive or deserving of someone's love.  My hubby is a good guy ... you'd like him!  LOL  Everyone does!   I don't understand the issues.  I think it's physical with him, but he doesn't care to find out.  It kills me because I went through so many fertility treatments and he wont do this for us ...   I don't think he cares about any of this.  When I tell him I'm unhappy and why, he just says, "oh, I love you!"  And that's as far as it goes.  Just as my username sates, I'm JUST SO SAD.  I've found that I'm isolating myself ... it hurts to hear girlfriends complain of their mates bugging them for sex all the time.  Am I that unattractive, that fat, that bad of a wife that I'm not desirable?  Jeez ..  Thanks for letting me vent, I now know I'm not alone. 

 

justsosad justsosad
41-45, F
13 Responses Jul 13, 2007

In response to Kaine's question ... any improvement? no.

I can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I posted this. My daughter's eighteenth birthday has come and gone, she's graduated college, married and yet, here I remain. (Sigh) Living in a sexless marriage because my spouse will not address the issue is a secret, humiliating, hidden form of abuse. If I was physically abused, married to an alcoholic or just a really horrible person, in my mind, I would have a legitimate reason to leave. When everything on the outside appears alright, you're content, you're in your comfort zone it's very hard to leave and start all over. Somehow I just manage to deal with it, accept things the way they are. But, there is never a week that goes by that I don't question the situation ... is there someone else, is it me, is it him, what would change things? Yes, it has been a very long 8+ years since I've written and believe me, I've cried many tears but we've also shared many great times and laughs along the way. Things are fine ... things are good ... at times they are even great but we will always be missing a key part of our marriage. I want to be desired, I want my husband to choose me and express his love in that way but I know it will never happen. Nothing has changed and nothing will change for the better, we will only get older and sex will become a memory from our youth. In the past nine years we've been intimate probably six times. I used to keep track, now months turn into years. It's never been initiated by me, I will never put myself out there again. I've wanted to turn away and not appear to be so desperate that when offered I jump at the chance but I remember hoping that this was the turning point.

Unfortunately, I don't have any wise words of advice. I just have my story to share. If you think you can be content (notice I'm not using the word happy) living in your marriage the way it is, right this minute, then by all means stay and enjoy life together! If you are miserable today and feel like you are denying yourself the life you desire then perhaps you need to move on. Based on my experience, nothing changes only the number of years we have left to enjoy this one life .....

Wishing you peace and happiness!
I remain ...
Justsosad

*hugs* I understand all too well

any improvement?

((Hugs)) to you, sounds very familiar, a lot like my own life....we Also went thru fertility treaments, had my 2nd son via IVF married 25 years, oldest is 2nd yr university, sex is very hit and miss, I believe that husband is not interested in me anymore but here for the younger son...there's so much more but will stop here.

There are alot of us here to help you.

your not alone ,,and do have options

I think we should have a party for our sexless spouses, they could share stories of wild..... sexlessness. Where these people come from and how we hook up with them is beyond me.

welcome...this is the place to vent...makes us feel kinda good...doesn't!!

I can really relate to your story. Tomorrow is my 6th wedding anniversary and we haven't had sex in just a few weeks shy of a year. My husband doesn't seem to care that we don't, and he just says "it'll get better" when I try to talk to him about it. I know he loves me and I love him, BUT.....<br />
We have a 3 year old son and also had some problems with infertility, but fortunately not as difficult as yours. My husband has struggled with E.D., and saw a dr. once about that, but doesn't get any treatment now. He has gotten our child in the habit of sleeping in our bed, I'm sure partly to cover up the issue of sex, or make it more difficult to bring up. I used to be a size 3 and sex was a very important part of my life. I'm a Scorpio for crying out loud! Now I'm a size 12 and I know that my insecurities about that doesn't help anything. <br />
I wish he would want to "make love" to me because he loves me, not "have sex" because its a biological need or something, but he doesn't comprehend that difference. I just joined this group and I thank everyone for sharing their stories and wish you all luck.

Justsosad -<br />
<br />
As your name says how you feel, my name says how I have been treated. I'm not even in the game. I just don't get it. Why can't all of the men and women who have this desire to live in abstinance just find each other? You say your hubby is a good guy. I say he isn't. He doesn't have the respect for you that he should, otherwise he would cherish the opportunity to fulfill your needs. I'm sure you would have no lack of suitors if you were looking. It is a shame that your husband has no desire to protect his interests. What would happen if you printed your letter and all of our reponses to it for him to read? I wish he could realize how lucky he is to have a wife that needs her husband. Maybe I should ship him my wife for a while. They could become great BUDDIES together. You wouldn't have to worry about them fooling around together. They both need to have their pilot light relit. Good luck. I hope your husband wakes up before it is too late to realize he has lost a wonderful woman.<br />
<br />
Benched

Welcome to the group & lillyann says it all really!

That's kind of like how my husband is. He just doesn't seem to care about how unhappy I am about the lack of sexual intimacy in our marriage (for over 4 yrs!). But I know he has some kind of issues, I don't know exactly what, and he is scared of something. When I bring it up, he just doesn't want to face it. I will continue to work on him, because I am not ready to give up on my marriage yet. I know all situations are different, so I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. And I'm sure you already know this - it is not that you are undesirable, it is an issue that your husband has. I know that it is sometimes easy to forget this and start coming down on ourselves.

welcome to the group - and sorry to hear of your situation...