Sexless Marriage Leave Him Or Stay??

Hi All,
I am 30 years old and have been living in a sexless marriage for 3 1/2 years now.  My husband and I dated briefly during high school and then reconnected again during college.  We always had a great fun friendship before we got married.  After we had our son, our only child...sex just disappeared.  It's not that any of us said out right I dont want to have sex anymore, it just sort of fizzled out.  When our son was born we got into a lots of arguements with regards to childcare.  My parents  have gone above and beyond in ttaking care of our son, buy being his 24/7 on call anytime babysitters.   They have saved us huge amts of money in childcare as they take care of our son for free.  They dont want the money just want to be with their grandchild and give him the best that they can from their end.  My husband believes that they are too involved and so our arguements happen and so there fore we argue, get against each other and have been always at each other for everything and anything.  Arguements always stem from something about our parnets.  It bothers me a lot that my parents do so much for our son, but my husband is extremely unappreciative of them to the point where he will not speak to them and will only do so when he really needs to.  My parents only became babysitters as spending money on childcare was not an option for my husband.  So parents was the only choice.  Now he feels they are too involved and so we argue.  Recently he said that he wanted to work things out and try to get our marriage life together again like before.  I took a 10 day break and flew overseas.  When I came back I found that he had connected online on a dating fling website where people connected looking for sex.  I read his messages in which he is asking women for pictures and that he would like to get to know them.  I was shocked and horrified.  What do I do?  While on my trip overseas I really thought things through and wanted to try and work our marriage for our son and for ourselves but I came home to this.  I keep wanting to be out of this sometimes but then I cant break away because of my son.  I have thought of divorce many times too as there are days when we are just on two different planets.  I miss how we were before marriage.  It's like I dated one person and then married his nut case twin!

HELP!!
kk1234 kk1234
26-30, F
24 Responses Jul 13, 2007

If he is attempting to cheat on you he doesn't care about you or your son . Find someone who does and divorce him.

Ok i spent 14 years in a marriage and after the first 4 years my wife told me she couldn't have sex anymore said it was painful. !0 years later of stupidly accepting and believing this i found my wife had been on several dating websites that i was paying for ($300 a year for one of them) and then i searched her computer and found several photos of her doing things with other guys that she had told me were painful or just downright disgusting. After a couple of suicide attempts i ended up in a hospital where a doctor advised me that the best way to find out if my wife was interested in fixing our marriage was to schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor and tell her when it was if she showed up she was willing to try if not then it was time to divorce her and move on (she refused to show up said she didn't have a problem) i am now in the process of filing for bankruptcy and after that divorce she chargted over $60,000 on credit cards for me in the last several years and i am broke even though i make a pretty good income she was taking trips that i knew nothing about to meet guys she had talked to on the dating websites. So that is my suggestion and my story so you know that i'm not just talking out of my *** i've been there too.

OMG, I am so sorry.

Nobody with a conscience can like your comment. We certainly can understand. Man THAT sucks big time!

Here is the truth. Men and woman get tired of each other, espeacially after they have kids. These so call sexless partners are having either real affairs or mental ones and just want to escape from the reality that has become their lives. They would love to have a passionate encounter just not with the spouse they have. So If your partner is not interested anymore, forget all the excuses. Go out and have fun, those losers don't deserve you anyhow.

That is not entirely accurate. There is a book "Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred" by Patrick J. Carnes Ph.D. that describes how it often happens. The refuser can be in as much pain as the refused.

Well, you had me totally, Gaveup, stuck with you all the way, every paragraph, till you stated that you wanted only comments from people with IQ's of 133. WTF!!!! And only people with likewise views on religion, politics or personal experiences!!!! Judge much yourself?<br />
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I'm sure with your superior intelligence and world views, you will figure out soon that you will get more reactions from a recently posted story then a comment on an old story. Just sayin.

I am middle aged. Raised very conservatively. Most people would consider me kind, outgoing, patient, loving, and generous. I cheat on my wife. I'm not presently cheating and haven't for over half a year. But that is what I've done, and having given in to the temptation once, am likely to do again. <br />
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It's interesting to observe the assumptions people make about those of us who cheat. And I wonder if we can all be placed in the same category. Have I cheated for the same reasons as everyone else, or perhaps my motives and situation fit in with those of other men only. I'm sure we don't all cheat for the same reasons, but I'm sure I'm not the only one with my rationale either. Some cheat with one night stands and it's probably mostly sexual, a former employer of mine carried on an "emotional" affair for ten years--no sex at all. I'm sure motives differ. <br />
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I told my wife what I had done because I believed she had a right to know so that she could leave if she wanted to. I think that's only fair. On the other hand, I would like her to help me finish raising our children so I've also now gone and said things that were untrue because she was on her way out the door leaving the kids and me. (Actually, I might have watched her leave but her mother would eventually make sure she came back for the kids.) Who could blame her for wanting to leave? <br />
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We spent last Christmas visiting her family as well as mine while she stayed home. It seemed to be one of the most enjoyable Christmas days I can remember. The kids seemed to think so too. None of us could say so outloud. She's cranky. <br />
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My wife is not very affectionate with anyone, including our children. If you're an astute reader you might come to the same conclusion as I have, that since my wife is not affectionate with her children that her lack of affection my not have anything to do with my not being thoughtful or hard working or otherwise sweet enough. She is neglectful in other ways. I'm the only one who will ever take the children to doctor or dentist appointments for instance. <br />
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Her neglect of our relationship started around the date we were married. <br />
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Our sex life included enough sex to have children plus about 6 encounters a year. <br />
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I like her. I like her smile and I love making her laugh. I appreciate her intellect and ability to discuss politics and current events. Sometimes I'll see her reflection someplace and it will startle me and my heart will pound because I'm attracted to her so. I worry about what may happen to her if I leaver her. I really don't want to. We've been together so long. <br />
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For the first 16 years women would flirt or sometimes even flash me or proposition me at work, things like that. (I'm not very attractive--at this point I'm middle-aged, balding, overweight, and yes, hairy backed too!) Yet other opportunities for relationships of sorts come into my life regularly. Many of the women are attractive, sweet, fun, sexual and affectionate verbally as well. <br />
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I don't know what to do. My wife will probably never get better. I will never want to leave her. I will never be satisified with a life without our family being intact. But I can't stand living like this. Now, it's even worse because I've seen and felt physically and emotionally what other women are like. My wife, for almost all of the last 19 years has explained to me that I am disgusting in looks and smell. She constantly tells me I need to loose weight and disaproves with her eyebrows if I eat too much. For her things are also even worse...she has a husband whom she can not trust and who has betrayed her. <br />
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Two nights ago a woman made a joke when I bumped her leg with a door on my way into a crowded restaurant. I sat at the bar of this cafe. Soon her and her friend and a few of their kids joined me at the bar and this very attractive woman sat beside me. She was a stranger and so all I could tell at first was that she had a beautiful friendly face and that her body was not only thin but shaped in a way that almost made my jaw drop. She flirted with me, but was not obnoxious. She turned out to be educated, professional, and in a field you'd consider a more noble occupation. We ended up sharing our meals. Her friend even exclaimed that there was nothing wrong with "this man" meaning me. Obviously she'd never seen my spelling. <br />
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Was a demon whispering in their ears ways to flater me in ways that would get to me so deeply? Did one see how charming and beautiful she was and guide her my way to tempt me? Maybe if she married me like my wife did she would come to the same conclusion as my wife did. That I'm actually quite disgusting and revolting. <br />
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Look, I don't want to cheat. It's not fair to my wife. It's not fair to this woman. I told her I'm not dating. While women don't usually out-right hit on me so blatently, I do have opportunities fairly often. Sometimes these occurances make me feel better. Other times, such as this one they give me additional feelings of anger, frustration, and sexual arrousal. <br />
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I never find a decent response to my problem. All there are are political and religious points of view speaking through willing hosts. Others speak only from the pain or anger of their own experiences. Some say you should get divorced, kids are resiliant, they won't be happy if you're not truly happy. Bullshit. The others would say that you should not only stay faithful but stay married for all reasons other than unfaithfulness. <br />
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As I write this I can hear different kinds of cliche answers and comments besides those listed above. Most of them reveal more about the person making the comment than about the situation itself. You know how on Ebay you can block those with a low positive rating from bidding on your item? I think I should be able to block those with an IQ below 130-135 from responding to this. Maybe we could use the honor system. If reading this post makes you feel angry or defensive about your politics, religion, or personal experiences, and you can't resolve to comment ob<x>jectively, can you please just not respond? Thanks. By the way. I used to be so self-righteous and so unbelieving that anyone could ever break their marrage vows. "No way! Linda did that...and with that guy? I always thought she was such a good Christian!"

If YOU think are revolting and disgusting, then you are. The problems all are with you and not anyone else. Until you can like yourself, you will never be happy with your life. just so you know, my I Q is 142.

Hi, K. I was in a very similar sitution.Here is what I found. Your dh (darling husband??) maybe is a sex addict. My husband has exhibited similar behaviors to yours. He went as far as setting up several different emails to contact women on -line. He had a four year relationship with a woman who he admitted to only having cyber sex with. It destroyed my self esteem and when confornted he stated that he didn't feel like he could be sexual adventourous with someone's mother. This comment was made appomately five weeks after a miscarriage. So he could and did have sex with me at least twice. <br />
Good luck. If you should dediced to leave make sure you reques money for child care. <br />
As I mentioned I live in a marriage where sex is the large elephant in the room. My husband belongs to a sex addicts group. I am in a group for spouses. You would think with that adiction I would walk around with a great big statisfy grin on my face. I don't. Our son is 14 and my husband wont have sex when he is the house or even (playing game or watching tv) in the basement. It has been appoximately 8 months since we were last together. I made the overtures recently and was turned down again. I am pissed, embarassed and frustrated. This problem just doesn't effect my husband but me. I just don't know what to do.

I have been in your shoes! My husband and I were not having sex ever and he kept blaming it on his high blood pressure and the medications reacting to him. that's all good and fine because as they say "For better or for worse" right?? Well come to find out he had joined 2 PAY dating sites and had like 5 other girls on the side. We ended up splitting up last year and now we are divorced. Our divorce has now been final for a few months and he is already engaged to a girl he was involved with while he and I were together. It's rough but chances are if things have been that way for almost 4 years then they aren't changing anytime soon. You both deserve to be happy and you obviously aren't with each other. Go your separate ways!!! Life is too short to live that way. Do you want your children to end up in your shoes one day? You are raising them that they should stay unhappy in a relationship if there are kids involved and that is unfair to them. I had to make a break for the sake of my 4 year old daughter. I want her to have a happy an healthy relationship one day.

"Martyrdom is not a good example for children...." Slogan of the day!<br />
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KK, it sounds to me like his statement that he wanted to work things out was code for "you provide sex now". Maybe an itch in his pants but none in his heart?

come and see me then baby...i will sort you out!

this is helarious...

You Know there is a rift between you and your spouse that goes much deeper than the kids and the sex... It seem as though you never really had true intimicy. Great sex every now and then doest count.. Conception of a child or two doesnt either... There is a communication gap... Usually the problem lies with the MAN... Its really a catch 22 .. Men feel like they dont have to respect the womans needs ... they should just have sex cause thats what the MAN needs.. Honey Ask your self Is this marriage worth saving.... Are you truly happy not having Sex... If not then you need to talk with your husband letting him think he is right about everything just so you can see where his head is.... A hint to the Wise... Dont expect much!!!!! Dont expect sensitive answers.. Just listen and ask more questions.... Just let him hear himself talk so he can hear the nonsense he is pushing on you and then reevaluate if this is how you want to spend the rest of your marital life....

you know your answer to this. you just need to find it deep in you, follow your heart.

Looking at sex sites & not having it with you is very very strange. Heavens sake thats what **** is meant to do get it up to perform! or did i miss class the day of that lecture?

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that if your hubby is looking for sex on the internet, and not looking at you, then, in my opinion, there is no atlernative but to leave. Your parents sound wonderful, and I'm sure you and your son would be welcomed into their home....

Elle, I hear ya... I don't understand it either....<br />
KK, your husband should be so lucky to have someone like you, your son, AND your parents in his life. He has no idea how blessed he is....<br />
My mother was an abusive biotch and I lived in foster homes for a while. What I wouldn't give to have parents who would take my girls (for FREE) and love them while I worked. My girls are stuck in a stupid day home before and after school every day and I hate that. There is no structure....<br />
Children are our future - we all need to remember that... and if we treat them well, they will treat US well in our old age... <br />
Oh, and would you please ask your parents if they would adopt me? LOL

Man... I've been joking about the "Ultimatum boilerplate text, available from anyone here", but maybe we should post something like that in the forum! If you don't get everything out into the light, things will just get worse. I'm not sure who said it first, but "Fix it or Leave" is kind of a mantra around here. The appearance of a "standard" family doesn't count for much if you wind up emotionally crippled. Martyrdom is not a good example for children.

Hi Everyone, <br />
It's KK1234 here. WOW! Thank you all for your comments and suggestions, I spent the time reading through each of your comments and appreciate the time each of you have given in spending time to write out your thoughts. Some of you mentioned about how my husband may have been offended with his inlaws helping take care of his child and how that makes him less of a man and can hurt his ego. My husband when it comes to such things doenst get offended. The bottom line is money. If he can save money that works for him. By my parents having to take care of our son, we have saved huge amounts in childcare, and to those that mentioned grandparents and families are the best...you are right. There is no body better than my parents to take care of our son. Our son is my parents first grandchild and so he means everything to them. What bothers a lot is that my husband is extremely unappreciative of the help they have given. We recently moved to the city where my parents are and before moving to our place we stayed with my parents. My parents would wake up early and drive my husband to the train station, lend them their car so he could get to work and take care of our son too. They did all this so that the two of us would be able to save so that we could buy our own house. We lived with my parents for 9 months and they didnt even take rent from us!! Until finally one day my dad just had it and asked that he be compensated. My husband had the full luxury of living in a 2million dollar home, driving around in my parents luxury cars, having them do his errands and take care of his son. So all of you can imagine how much we would have saved during this time. Not once did my husband offer to help out my dad in any way. So our arguements have always been because of his just being a moron to them. There are days when i really want to work things out and hope that things go back to the way they were but each day its the same thing.<br />
I have confronted my husband about the meeting nudy girls online and its a website geared just to sex and hooking up and he said "hey I'm a man" and he still will make stupid comments about my parents in any which way which still upsets me. There is so much negativity between the two of us, he does tell me that we should work things out try and try for our son, but then its like helloooo you keep saying to try but you bloody well dont do anything. Like one stop talking about my parents in a bad way. If you dont have anything nice to say dont say it all. If you dont want them to be involved PAY FOR A NANNY. My parents would do anything for my son, but even now they have given up becasue they have a son in law who just knows how to take and not be appreiciative. My inlaws pretend that nothing is wrong we live the best and perfect life. They show no interest in being a part of our lives or helping. But when it comes to social obligations then the act of our son being their grandson and I'm the nice d-i-l all come out into play. I just get very resentful and feel that they use us for their own means. I would have left my husband a long time ago, but my thoughts always retract becasue of my 4 year old.

barganax... i am sorry if that seemed like an attack on you because it was not. i usually dont get angry when i read other peoples stories but this one hit a nerve. any aggression or negativity is directed at her coward husband and no one else. so i will apologize to you and anyone else if i seem on the attack.

Ouch!<br />
I wasn't suggesting you "buy into bullshit" by excusing the woman chasing. I said it was silly and feeble! What I was suggesting is the idea that we sometimes act on levels below reason or rational. <br />
And who do we learn from? My dad worked 7 days a week down a mne. I never saw him, but he provided for his family. <br />
I was offering an insight in to how I felt when I was offered the same deal.

thats a bunch of crap!!! if your husband doesnt "feel like a man" because your parents do too much then that is an issue he needs to work out in therapy. the strongest man to me is one who can admit when he needs help and appreciate it and not take it for granted. you cant be everything to everyone all the time. wouldnt he rather it be your parents caring for your son than strangers? i used to work in a daycare as a teacher and i can promise that they are nothing compared to the love and affection that your child will recieve from their grandparents. daycares are so expensive and you only get assistance if you are a single mother. thats the cold truth of it. nothing is offered for families who cant afford childcare. if he is so against your parents then maybe he needs to look for a job that pays more or get a second job if he needs to feel like a man. i hate that excuse. and i dont believe that you can teach him how to be a father. thats something that his father or male figure in his life needed to teach him. my husbands dad was a complete loser and was not around. he grew up in a house full of women. his male influence was an uncle who did the best he could. now he watches my dad and learns from him. i dont think as his wife you can teach him how to be a good dad. maybe he sees how your dad is with him and thats why he resents them. did he have a good childhood? was his dad around? and as far as this dude saying that he is chasing other women to prove he is still a man.....girlfriend...dont buy into that bullshit. real men dont cheat on their wives. he's proving that he is a coward and wont face the real issues about your sexlife.

i write not this instance as a sexless victim but a loving grandad who would give his very life for them.<br />
The first is always special & there is no ulterior motive in looking after them for you.<br />
If your husband need dating sites its because he need sex 7 its obvious that the realations are so poor that he dont have the confidence to f@uck you . Sit down & find the real reason for it & I bet that that is going to be very near the answer. Looking up dating sites is a bit like dogs chasing cars!

When my son was born, my in laws offered me the same deal, to take him off my hands so my wife and I could work to support him and us.<br />
It was the most horrible and insulting thing they eve did, even though it was in good faith and a generous offer.<br />
I believe that a man takes care of his children. To deny him that sucks at the core of his pride and manhood.<br />
Maybe your husband feels this and thus is resentful and humbled. The stupid chasing of other women may be part of him proving he is still a real man. I am no excusing, I think it is silly and feeble.<br />
Maybe instead of fighting him, show him how to be a father, how to feel a dad to his child. Then maybe he will remember the good times too

it's my personal opinion that when you sign up for dating or "hook up" websites, you've mentally checked out of the relationship. my husband and i argue all the time about the lack of sex in our marriage. the same thing happened to us after we had a child...we just stopped having sex. not altogether, but it might as well be. i have expressed my desire to have a sex life like we used to. it's hard after children but it is possible. we've recently started working on that and things are coming along nicely..you jus t have to both want it. if i had found out that he had joined one of those websites...it would have been over. why does your husband feel the need to look for it elsewhere? dont get me wrong, i'm not suggesting that you did anything wrong. searching personals or chatting with other people online who are there for the sole purpose of having sex is not a far reach from actually doing the deed in my book. it's actively looking for sex!!!! if i was you i'd do 1 of 2 things...<br />
1...kick his *** to the curb. if he wants to look at those kinds of websites when he has a wife and child then he doesnt deserve you. he obviously doesnt appreciate what he already has.<br />
or 2....if you honestly believe that he wouldnt cheat on you or that he was "just looking" then drag his *** to marriage counseling. he owes you at least that much. be warned that if he really has checked out of your marriage mentally then counseling isn't going to check him back in. <br />
i'm not trying to bring all this negativity to hurt you. i just think he sounds like slime and when i read your story i wanted to smack him for you. good luck!

I don't really understand why he thinks your parents are too involved... Either way, I hope you can find a solution.