No Chemistry

I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children. It's hard to pin point when it started, but I'm thinking about 3 years ago I have lost interest in a sexual relationship with my husband. I love him. There just isn't any chemistry there. We do have sex probably 2x a month, but it's mostly out of guilt and obligation. We started counseling... I feel like over the years we have just drifted apart. I feel like we are co-parents and roommates instead of husband and wife. Tired of living like this, I admitted a couple weeks ago that I am not attracted to him and that I don't feel any chemistry.  I told him it makes me really sad and that I wish it was different because I do love him. The problem is that I do feel chemistry to other men so I know it isn't just a sex drive issue like I used to think. I am so sad. I don't want to get a divorce,especially because we have so much history and 3 kids. I cry a lot now and crave the passion and love I want so desperately. Please help. Not sure what do to. Is this enough of a reason to separate? Or do I just live like this forever?
lonelynconfused lonelynconfused
36-40, F
87 Responses Jul 16, 2007

See a Marriage and Family Therapist (ideally with empasis in sex therapy or emotionally-focused therapy)

My story is very similar. What did you finally decide to do about your marriage?

I was married when i was 17 and had not had sex before. My husband more or less did sex for his benefit..no foreplay..always hurt me..plus he was verbally abusive....I had no chemistry to him at all..just felt sick if he would come near me.. The the rapes..the vebal abuse just made me more withdrawn....I always felt like i was in a Prision and jsut wanting to escape, but like most women..no place to go,no way to support the kids...Men get away with rape and abuse if married...Even if i think about waht used to happen, I start to cry..He absolutely destroyed me..

My gosh.......I really feel for you......and am so sorry for you........I hope God finds you another path, cos Hes got to take over at some point.
May it all come right for u in the end........what did you do in the end?

I know this is an old discussion board but maybe folks are still responding? After reading everyone's comments I really relate to so many of the experiences each of you have shared. My question for those of you that left your marriage, how did your now ex spouses respond to everything? Did you find that upon talking they felt the same? Were they angry? Hurt? Confused? How did the marriage eventually end? Friendly or hostile? Any regrets? Thanks!

How do you know when it's just...time to really end it? I can't say I've ever enjoyed being intimate with him. But is that enough? I mean, I just started counseling because I'm finally realizing that I don't have to settle, but that also doesn't mean I have to be forever unhappy with who I am or the relationship I am in (as I saw in parental examples). Can you possibly insert chemistry where it has never been? I really don't want to cause pain. His greatest fear is that I will walk away. I feel ready to do just that and I fear the crushing effect it may have. It's also intimidating to think of being financially independent again with no secondary income. He is very good to me most of the time. He's a good guy.

Also, because I'm so internally tormented right now, I would like to share that I confronted him the other day, but he thought I was dancing around another subject besides the chemistry. I did relate it to other things because I think that they do factor in to some of this. But I know how much I resist his touch, which is what led to this confrontation, and he had NO idea that I was unsatisfied. He could not understand how I would be unsatisfied since he was satisfied. I know it was a blow to his ego, but I'm shocked that he was so clueless regarding my body language. On the other hand, he is so so good to me. I am not at all ungrateful for his friendship. Yet, I discovered we both feel that the other person does not fully support the dreams of the other. I'm stumped. This new chemistry that I've experienced (not physical, just in conversation/passing) is so overwhelming and seems obvious to me that it is mutual. Still, I have to do things the "right" way, and have to maintain some sort of logical decision-making.

I am astounded to see how many other people are experiencing this too. I'm six years in, and often felt like I didn't love him the way I was supposed to, but figured I'd grow into it. We married quickly after dating, in the military, etc. I have recently encountered a third party (no, I have no desire to stray within the confines of marriage) who absolutely blows my mind and makes me shake/get butterflies in anticipation. That has only smacked me in the face with many core questions...why don't I feel it in the relationship where I'm supposed to feel it? How, if possible, do I conjure up the feelings into my marriage instead?

Hi, I just joined this group. I found it, because I have been in this marriage twice with same man. 12 years first time 7 second.i love him he is a good man. Had done everything right. But, I don't want his touch. I quietly cry anytime we have had sex. Not so he would know. Both times I left because, I cheated.i was honest and have been. I have paused for it .nothing .I'm 41 and I think I would rather be alone than be an adulterer or so alone.why won't it just happen?

I know you posted this two years ago but I'm glad I found your post. I too cry when I have sex with my husband. I feel terrible. He's a good man but I do not want him. It's so heartbreaking. I don't know what to do.

I think i have the same problem too. I'm only 22 and my husband is 21. We got married early this year (2012). We were good friends for years before dating. I have never experienced really intimate passionate sex with him...ever. He's not very good in bed. I've tried reading books, I've tried getting him to read books, to watch adult films, to read the karma sutra, to take pills. He never wants to have sex and now i have no desire to have sex with him either. Absolutely none. I've tried everything. I have a high sex drive. I lust after other men now, however I would never cheat. He's never home, always working or out with his mates. I feel neglected. He doesn't make an effort with my friends or family because he's always "busy". I feel so unfulfilled. I'm guessing that's how your feeling too? We haven't even been married a year. I feel like an absolute failure. Is it too soon to leave him? Is it my fault? What's wrong with me? We live in a sexless marriage (in 9 months, we've had sex 5 times). Its depressing. If i do leave him, I know I'll be judged and labeled a failure. Please help me too. What should i do? I've tried everything. He wont talk to me about anything. Please help.

Leave please!!!! To hell with what people think, it is your life and they are not living it!! Why did you get married in the first place??

i have experienced the same nonsense about no chemistry attraction etc etc etc except she refuses to get a job and move on. I have asked her to move on many times but she just keeps hanging around. How do I get rid of her? I want to move on to someone normal.

GJ, I can't tell you what it does to me to read your post and fear that you will stay in this unfulfilling relationship. I was 40 when I realized I married the wrong man, cold, clinical, painful sex for YEARS!! And blaming myself for being "non affectionate"... I also had 5 and 6 year old boys when I left...they never questioned a thing about my decision. My ex was also my best friend and guess what!? 3 years post divorce ...HE STILL IS!!! We spend holidays together as a family, but I am just not married to him anymore. It doesn't have to be ugly, but it should be corrected. I am with a man now who I absolutely love and the chemistry and emotion is amazing which I think you are longing for..it is worth looking for trust me!!

Hi Gj !!!!!!! Welcome to this sight and congratulations on finding us!!!!! You must have found it the same way I did!! Just searching around looking for an answer to a more passionate relationship with more chemistry..but blaming myself for being the problem!!! I want to talk to you more and respond to your post but I am on my way to work..I will write tonight!!! PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO ANARCHRISTIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! that person is angry or something! We are here for you!!!!!!! Ttyl!!!

77 comments and I am too arrogant to read any of them. The OP sounds just like all of the other refuser stories. Chemistry?? Go see a chemist! <br />
<br />
<br />
Short version of the OP: She does not love her husband and she is too parasitic to admit it.

I'm terrified to be typing this-I can't believe I am doing it. I feel so, so guilty, but I can't help noticing the patterns we have in common. My husband comes across as the "nicest" guy and everyone thinks I'm so lucky to be with him, but sex is the most clinical, non-passionate thing. I was a virgin when we got together. We lived in different countries and only met each other four times before getting married. I moved out to southern California and found out that he was heavily using marijuana but kept this from me because he knew I wouldn't approve. Our first year of marriage tore away at my spirit. Sex was painful and awkward and clinical but I kept blaming my own inexperience. Then, I'd go through these "hungers" where I'd absolutely ache to be kissing someone but when I kiss my husband, he'd freeze up because of "dental trauma." I even wondered if he was gay but then found out that he's addicted to ****. His mother actually found it in the garage and presented me with it 7 years into our marriage. He doesn't think lying about stuff like this is a big deal because I'm such a "scary" person and he fears my wrath. He also is very passive, doesn't remember his responsibilities, I have to be his secretary and nurse maid. His hygeine is awful and I am so depressed about how he trashes the house, but he thinks I"m prissy for having a problem with this. His mother is another huge issue--she's insane--well, actually, a narcissist, but he won't stand up to her. Okay, so why am I staying? He's my best friend. Unlike others who've posted, I don't feel like we lack common interests. He reads to me at night. We love the same movies and literature. Have great talks about movies, books and politics. He just clams up if I try to talk about our relationship or share on an emotional level. Sex to him is nothing to do with emotions. It's about novel positions and naughty acts. It's something he wants to do because it feels good--that's it. I have felt so empowered reading here because now I see that I'm not crazy for craving an emotional passionate intimacy in sex. I sometimes stay awake all night moaning for a lover that I've always wanted. But I'm 40. I fear that such a person whom I could want to kiss and devour doesn't exist. Also, our boys are 5 and 6. They love their Daddy. They want us together. I cannot deprive them of this. Thing is, I'll be 55 or so by the time they leave home. Will it be too late to search for my soul mate then? Thanks for your patience with my ramble. I still can't believe I'm sharing all this. I never read blogs, IM or chat or anything like that. This by itself is a huge step! Thanks for being here, being candid, and giving hope.<br />
<br />
GJ

I am so happy that so many people are finding this site. All it usually takes is googling" Loveless marriage" or" no chemistry " and we end up here. I think we are a new generation of women , different from our parents who most of them settled. We know there is something more out there that we are missing out on, but because of the "rules" ..we are afraid to make that jump into a happier more fulfilling life. We are all here for support to anyone who needs it. Ones who have stayed..ones who have left ..and ones who cant decide what to do..come here when you need support :)

I'm always amazed to see how many people are joining this site on a daily basis! (Reported in the activity box on the right.)

jeanniep74, please keep me updated on how things are going for you. <br />
<br />
It sounds like we are in the same boat. The HB who feels like no more than a friend, who tries too hard to please (just makes me more annoyed & resentful). I know exactly what you mean about when the kids are grown up, what then? I've been afraid to think about the future for so many years, so I've blanked it out, until now. Nothing in common & nothing to talk about, can't look at him or talk to him cos I know I'm making him miserable (he knows I want us to separate). Keeping busy during the week, but weekends are awful when we're both here together. Feel like I'm just getting through each day, passing time as best I can. <br />
<br />
So pleased I found this thread, at least I know I'm not the only one who is in what appears to everyone else to be a perfect marriage, but isn't. Only you can see it from the inside.<br />
<br />
Keep strong & let me know how you are doing.

Thanks again for your reply. I'm managing to answer some of my own questions slowly. Just gonna take time, I think. <br />
<br />
The hardest thing is what I'm doing to my HB & family, none of them deserve this. The children have picked up on things and the eldest, bless her, has told me that if it will make me happy, then I must do what I feel is best. She also said she has noticed how moody we both are (we don't fight much, not even enough passion there for that!) and that it would be better if we were happier. <br />
I fully intend to do everything I can to make things as easy as possible for the children & my HB, eg - I would like to leave the area, which I hate, move away & make a new start somewhere else, but that would be disruptive for the children & hard for HB being 100 miles away from them most of the time. So I will stay put, at least until the children have left home.<br />
<br />
It is hard at the moment, still living in the same house, I see how miserable he is & know that I am the cause. I sometimes feel like I should cave in & carry on pretending. But if I do that now, I am stuck with that decision for the rest of my life, I cannot put everyone through this again in 6 months, 1 year, 2 years whatever. I have to make my choice now & stick with it. I feel the damage has been now anyway.<br />
<br />
My family are fairly unsupportive, they don't live near, one of the original problems in our marriage, and either ignore the issue (understandable I suppose) or in the case of my mum, radiate disapproval - in their generation you stick with marriage whatever happens. <br />
<br />
I do have some friends here who are supportive, one who knows the whole story (BF) and one who doesn't, so that really helps. Had a bad day yesterday, lots of "what am I doing?" & tears. Tears for what I am doing to everyone else, tears because I missed BF and tears to know that there are you, and other people on here, who take the time to help other people they don't know. Judging from the times on these postings, we don't even live in the same country.<br />
<br />
I'm hoping that one day, when I come through all this, hopefully a happier person than I am now, I can come back & help others in the way you do.

Nah...I don't think it's anyone's business to judge others. We all make decisions based on the information we were given at the time we made them. Sometimes they are good ones and other times, these decisions are meant to direct us to challenges that teach us something. I think that everything happens for a reason and likely you've learned quite a lot about who you are and what truly makes you happy by being married to your husband, not to mention having two beautiful children. <br />
<br />
But now you've come to the point where you've put up with as much as you can handle from a less than desirable situation. How much longer can you "fake" it, ya know? It's tough enough to keep up with your hectic life, let alone nurture a relationship that refuses to grow and support the people who are in it. Even if you stayed in the marriage, your unhappiness is going to end up affecting the way you treat people, the decisions you make, and ultimately, it will rear it's ugly head whether you want it to or not. I know, because I spent four years trying to figure out why I wasn't happy. That whole time, I pretended everything was fine and priding myself in hiding my true feelings. When in reality, I was becoming more and more irritable towards my kids, friends and family and resentful of my husband because I felt like he was causing all of this pain. <br />
<br />
In my case, he did do some really stupid things that changed the way I saw him. But the biggest thing of all was our lack of physical and emotional chemistry. I believe that if we had that, we could have overcome any obstacle. But instead, we ended up fighting tooth and nail about stupid things and not so dumb things. In the end, it was this lack of chemistry that drove us apart. You don't need some earth shattering thing to focus on to have a good reason to break up a marriage for the better. The kids were feeling the tension and it was affecting both of our abilities to function as parents. It was also affecting our health as I was turning into a alcoholic and he was becoming very depressed. Neither of us wanted to wake up in the morning to face the day. You tell me if we needed to wait for something huge to want to improve our situation. <br />
<br />
Should you own up to your affair? There's no need, in my mind, to create any more pain. I truly believe that most people do not have affairs because they think it would be a fun thing to totally complicate their lives and hurt those they care about. I think a lot of affairs stem from a need to find answers whether it's to figure out if they're sexually dead (and that's why they aren't attracted to their spouse) or searching for that certain something that's keeping them from having a happy marriage. Yes..there are people who do it because they think they're truly entitled to having more than one "spouse"...I know one of them and he's got issues that he refuses to address. But never mind him. YOU sound like you've been on a fact finding mission and have found the information you've been looking for. You meeting your BF after so many years definitely was no accident. He was sent your way to teach you something. <br />
<br />
Your family can remain intact if you and your husband can put your egos aside and be a family for the kids. We have opted to remain friends, co-workers and co-parents (living in a duplex). We get along so much better than we ever have, now that we don't have the pressure of making a marriage work. Certainly, not everyone (probably very few, in fact) can handle such a close relationship after a divorce, but I bet you two could be friends (for that reason, definitely don't share about the BF). You can always work the BF in at a later date. You'll need to stage it so that people will think that it was something that just happened after you decided to split from the marriage. It's never a good thing when people think HE broke things up, even though we know you'd been having problems from the get go. <br />
<br />
Hope that helps...feel free to let me know if you have any more questions ;)

Thanks so much for your reply Halleblueberry, it's great to know there are people out there who understand and don't judge me as a terrible person. I already feel SO bad about what I'm doing to everyone because I know it's wrong. Seems like whatever I do it will be wrong now.<br />
I have so many questions going around & around in my head right now. My husband is such a good man, but I just don't feel "that way" about him any more. Can you make yourself be attracted to someone when you are not? It's not a looks thing, my HB is in far better shape physically than the ex/current boyfriend, but everything feels so right with BF, he really makes me happy. Should I stay for HB's sake (& the childrens) & probably never be truly happy? Also, HB knows the way I feel (or don't feel) about him, will he ever be happy with a wife like that? Do I just carry on pretending everything is fine, like I've done for so long, for everyone elses sake & trying not to cringe/cry? He does suspect I've been seeing someone, so there will always be that question in the back of his mind & of course, I will always know. Should I own up to what I'm doing & probably hurt him more (also not a good example to set my children) or keep quiet about it, move on & introduce the BF as a "recent developement" in the future? <br />
I so want my husband to find someone else who will love him completely, and treat him the way he deserves, not the way I am doing. If I feel that I want him to be with someone else, then surely I can't really love him properly, or am I just trying to make things easier for me?<br />
I know things may not work out with BF,even though he says he wants it to aswell, but this shouldn't be about him anyway. Things were bad before he came back, I feel he is a catalyst in what is happening now, not the cause.<br />
Financially, yes it will be hard. I do have a small income from a self-employed job I took on to fit in around the children, and now they are older I could probably increase the amount of work I do. It would be hard but I think we could manage. I just can't move out until we have sorted something with the house we both own. We have been in separate bedrooms for a month or so now, which helps.<br />
I often wish HB had been a wife-beater or something, as my reason for breaking up our family seems so pathetic compared to others.<br />
What a mess in my head today!<br />
Thank you so much for your reply, it's lovely to know there are people who take the time to try to help people they don't even know. And it really does help.

Beccah...I don't know what your financial situation is, but you would be surprised at how if there's a will, there's a way to work things out. Everyone starts off worrying about money and how they will go on without the things they're used to having. Yes, you will have to tighten up that belt and put yourself on a budget. But the kids are older now and you can start a career of your own, assuming you're a stay-at-home mom. And you are most definitely entitled to spousal support after such a long marriage. <br />
<br />
But to weigh down yourself and your husband in a life together that is less than fulfilling can be debilitating to the soul and affect the way you treat your children, family and just about everyone around you. You can bring so much light to everyone's life, but especially your own, if you consider moving out of the darkness and LIVE the way your soul is begging you to live. All of sudden, you'll find the strength to be the best You you can be, because you are no longer wasting energy hiding, hoping, and coping. You'll be living, loving and laughing. <br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong...it's gonna be hard work moving forward, but you'll be rewarded with the freedom to be yourself. Good Luck!

I am reading these pages with tears in my eyes. So many of these people could be me. I have been married for 16 years now, to a good man who is a good father to our 2 children (14 & 10). Looking back now, I think maybe I had doubts when I married him, but sometimes you just go with the flow & get carried away by the tide. Within the first few years of marriage there were one or two problems which, I feel, changed the way I felt about him. Still, I had 2 children to think of so I have stayed & buried my feelings well. Sex with him was never mind-blowing, but was OK. Over the last 5 years, it has got to a point where, if I really can't avoid it, it's a case of, just get it over with as quickly as possible while I try not to cringe. I really dont want him to touch me or even kiss me any more. I also find we have nothing in common, we never have anything to talk about and when we did go out alone, it was just plain boring. Last year, I came to realise that I do not have to stay with him, but didn't have the confidence to actually go for the break. Recently I have met up with an ex from over 20 years ago and we have been seeing each other. From the moment I saw him again I knew the old chemistry was still there. He is everything my husband is not. He is funny & can always make me smile, no matter how bad I am feeling, and believe me, I do feel so bad about what I am doing. I enjoy his company so much and of course, sex with him is fantastic. It makes me feel sick to think of doing these things with my husband. I have told my husband I want us to separate, but not about the ex. For financial reasons, as yet I have been unable to physically leave our home, but so want to move on. I am actually hoping that my husband will meet someone new soon, so that he can be happy too. I'm not sure if things will ever work out with my ex, as there are distance issues, but if I can feel this way with someone other than my husband maybe there is a chance for me with someone, somewhere. I feel my husband also deserves to be with someone who truly wants to be with him aswell. Goodness, what a long ramble!

Thank you both. Unfortunately I have to fake my happiness until I'm strong enough financially to take that step into leaving. He's not abusive at all. Very sweet and kind. So it's a matter of psyching myself up everyday to get by. Keeping busy is the only way I know how to get through each day. Keeping him busy is just as important. <br />
<br />
Thanks again!

Wow Jeannie...a large part of your story mirrors mine EXACTLY. Yup...scary as heck to change your life but do everyone a favor, and especially yourself, and move out of a situation that isn't allowing you to be the best (fill in the blank) that you can be. Something more opened my eyes to everything that was right in front of me but I never recognized as signs of who I should be instead of who I had to become to fit into a life everyone and society told me was perfect. Good luck on your amazing journey and please let me or wendica know if you need any help!

Jeanniep74, I hope u know what an amazing discovery you made ! I am SOOOO happy for you! Dont expect anyone to understand..they will think you are crazy..do what you need to do..tell others after the fact! PLEASE!!!! Get SOMETHING MORE!!!!! Dont read it in order..go to the table of contents and see what appeals to you and read it! It will be your Bible!!! Welcome to "NOT SETTLING" :) We are here if you need to talk!!!!!

I know this is an old thread but thank God for it. I did a search on "no chemistry" and came across this. <br />
My story: Been married for 11.5yrs. He's a wonderful father, man, friend, brother....I used to say a wonderful husband, but that would mean intimacy. <br />
<br />
We just moved into a new house to be closer to my family because I told him I wasn't happy where we were. Translation: I'm not happy with you and I want to move near my family and you stay behind. <br />
<br />
I thought he'd just let me go but instead insisted on moving with me. I started feeling disconnected from him after about 2yrs of marriage. I would have sex then think, "ok, we're good for a couple of weeks. I can relax now." <br />
<br />
He's a sweet, caring person. Everyone LOVES him. I'm the only one rolling my eyes every time he opens with mouth to speak. <br />
<br />
Last night, I fell asleep before my 9yr old and woke up around 11pm, jumped out of bed to put her to sleep. She was already asleep and tucked into bed....huh....ok, now I have to go back to my bed....deep breaths....calm down.....get in and he immediately puts his arm around me. I know he wants sex (he just got a vasectomy and got the "all clear" for the doc). I stiffen like a board. I just can't bring myself to "fake" it this time. <br />
<br />
Sex has always been rushed and non passionate. He's very passive in bed. Sometimes I want some aggression but it's not in his nature to be aggressive. Women want to feel that their men want them so bad....goes back to the primal thing.<br />
<br />
I can't look at him, can't talk to him, can't sit by him on the sofa or at the table. I've tried date nights and that just turns out to be boring with no conversation. He tries to please me all the time which only frustrates me more. I keep thinking that any woman would love to have a man do things for her like cook, clean, hand over the remote when you get into bed. But it all boils down to the "feeling" you have when you're with that person. It's just not there with him. He would make a wonderful friend and roommate.....right now, I treat my friends and cats better than him. <br />
<br />
I just wanted to thank those who posted who are now happy and can let others know the difference in how they felt from being in a "perfect" marriage to now being in a loving, passionate relationship. Life is too short to be miserable. I'm 35 and scared that I won't be happy again. My kids with grow up and what will be left? Me and him hating each other because we didn't want to disrupt our perfect lives. <br />
<br />
I'm going to get that book "Something More" to see what it is about. Thanks for the suggestion. My friends try to help me cope with this but it's different when you find others you don't know going through the same thing. <br />
<br />
Bye for now.

Thanks for the advice again. I wanted to have an idea of what counseling would be like, before going. I bought that book today, I'll let you know what I think.

For those of you who are getting sick of getting email notifications for this revived thread, my suggestion is to unclick the box at the bottom of the page. I've been getting positive feedback regarding how useful our dialogue has been on this thread. So bringing it to a private forum would be counter to what this site is about in the first place...that is to help each other understand our life experiences.

You gotta go into therapy no expecting any result per se, but rather to discover more about yourself and how you behave when it comes to relationships. I discovered that I was not being authentic and had lost my true self in order to be in this marriage. Many of us, particularly women, are raised to be good wives, daughters, etc....in other words, do what makes everyone else happy with the notion that this will inevitably lead to your own happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth. <br />
<br />
Individual counseling proved to my hub that I wasn't crazy, had NO blocks, and had a healthy sex drive. Btw...sex therapy is for ppl with sexual blocks...not lack of chemistry. Marital counseling helped me understand that I had suffered way too much, hiding his secrets from myself, helping him hide them (we didn't tell the therapist until I had a huge crying jag...to which she said "omg! No wonder I can't get thru to her....poor thing." <br />
<br />
So bottome line is, try it if u can afford it but don't let it drag on. It shouldn't take years to come to a conclusion and know that no matter the outcome, you will both be more self aware and satisfied that u gave it your all. In fact, if you're like me and need something to fend off naysayers, you can say you tried going to counseling but to no avail...most will nod and say, oh yeah, you tried your best, time to move on. And for the diehards who say stick to it anyways, they will get over it...can't live your life for them. You're gonna go up and down inside, but pick up that book "something more" and you will find strength in it. Both wendica and I use it like our bible...we both can't get over how someone wrote about our life without even knowing us. Amazing.

There is such a thing as just messaging each other back and forth.<br />
It works.<br />
<br />
Plus, lonelynconfused here really hasn't gotten much out of this post for quite some time.<br />
Much like the rest of us.

Now that being said, I think therapy was amazing to uncover what's hidden. I doubt this is what's going on in your case, scarlet, but what if there was some block that was keeping you from being intimate with him? Its crazy how we internalize stuff and bury it so deep that we may not be conscious about it, but those blocks are influencing how you act, feel and function. <br />
<br />
For me, I want to try everything and exhaust all possible avenues before throwing in the towel. I have kids so that was important to me. I would have stayed and sacrificed being with my soulmate if I could have literally created this chemistry by removing any blocks. And believe me, there were blocks alright. HUGE ones involving secrets that I had discovered but tried to bury.

Cool...test email....check!<br />
<br />
So I've been through therapy for six months before calling it quits. Everyone told me chemistry just isn't something u can create if you had little or none to begin with. Its that strange, unexplainable connection that is most strong and definitely most enduring in true soulmates. Again, its either there or its not.

I'm going to send a couple of posts because I responded yesterday and my blackberry logged me out and lost my response...

Ok, so based on your experiences you guys don't think counseling is really worthwhile?<br />
<br />
I sort of feel like that too, but I'm just curious what it is like, what types of things you talk about, if any of you have gone.

When you are with the right person everything in life is soooo much sweeter!! Mornings are better, fresh air smells so much more crisp, a sunrise and sunset is so much more beautiful and music is soooooo much more enjoyable - btw, I don't listen to lyrics, I listen to music without knowing what songs mean hahahahahaha ... These are all things we were meant to truly enjoy but don't because we are not happy. DO NOT SETTLE!!!!! Someone is out there that you want to spend your time with and be intimate with. Humans are intimate animals by nature. It is not our nature to be distant and cold. My friend is getting divorced as we speak. He spent 20 years (dating and marriage) in a passionless relationship because they looked good in photographs. He says now that it is coming to an end, he feels different and free. He feels a happy type of hope in that this time he will find someone who wants to spend her time with him. I told that he must learn from his past mistake or he is doomed to make the same one again. The biggest mistake people make is their decisions are superficial. There is an old saying: "don't mistake paradise for a pair of legs" ... The gist of the saying is not to be superficial. Find that person who wants to play with you and you will be on your way.

Scarlet, There isnt a counselor in the world that can change how your heart feels, WE ourselves cant even change how we feel, or all of us would have stayed in our "perfect, no sex " marriages and just changed how we felt..not possible!! You need to call it what it is..come clean and be open and honest. What I found after telling everyone, and I waited till I had already left before I told anyone (people had talked me out of it before , so this wasnt happening again!) , was that alot of the people I had told WISHED they had the nerve to leave, but never did. Everyone will get over you leaving, YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER STAYING!

Oh and Nasa, you are right about asking yourself the question of enjoying being kissed and touched by the person. It's just weird because for me.. (and I think it MUST be the case for all of us) at one point we did. So I just keep asking myself the question , what changed that made me unattracted? I don't mind him kissing me once in awhile, or SOME touching.. but I never let it linger too long for fear of things starting to get sexual, so I always just pull away. <br />
<br />
Sometimes for me, I feel that it's his over-the-top nice personality, we never fight, we just co-exist. Like others have said, like roommates or friends. In past relationships, There have been ups and downs.. but at least it was SOMETHING. I feel there is a certain importance to "chemistry", because if 2 people just get along well all the time.. what is there to create excitement and passion? I don't know. Just things I have been thinking about.

Thank for the replies everybody. Really it has been helpful. I will check out that book.<br />
<br />
It's really refreshing to hear about your lives, because I don't know anyone in my same situation. Really we almost bought a house awhile ago and I'm so glad we didn't now.. I don't want kids either. I just feel like this whole thing hinders me from wanting to do anything to move further ahead in the marriage and trap myself more. <br />
<br />
Since I do love him though, and I did say yes to marriage, I feel as though I owe it to him/myself to at least try counseling before I call it quits. Do any of you have any good/bad experiences to share about counseling? <br />
<br />
Honestly, I know I shouldn't go into it with a bad attitude, but it's just always been my personal feeling that once your relationship has reached the point where a counselor has to step in to somehow guide you back into wanting to have sex with someone.. then maybe it's time to end it. Like, would I be putting this much effort forth if we were just dating? But I can't say since I've never been. Has it worked for anyone?<br />
<br />
Also, I kind of feel like I'd like to go alone.. I don't know if then if I should be going for sexual problem-related counseling , or marriage counseling?<br />
<br />
Thoughts?

Scarlet...you just described my life back when I was 27. I had the "perfect" man that I thought my family and friends loved. He had the right background...educated, well-off, intelligent, blah blah blah. But it was always such a struggle to be with him sexually. <br />
<br />
I can tell you right now, that I'm sure he senses there's something wrong. But like me and my ex, we forged on because we figured what's a little thing like sex going to do to a "perfect" marriage. We were so WRONG! What happened was, he started feeling rejected, because I didn't respond passionately to him. He started to withdraw and likely felt unattractive. So he ended up having an emotional affair for the last two years of our engagement. <br />
<br />
When the vibe is wrong, bad things happen. Even if it's nothing as obvious as an affair, the bad feelings start to build and wear away at a marriage. Lots of people "settle" and plug on, thinking that a marriage is supposed to be passionless and without affection. Umm...people....why are you married? I mean if you'd rather be with your friends then your husband or wife, there's something gravely wrong with your marriage. <br />
<br />
I can tell you that our marriage struggled with the physical intimacy issue for most of the 17 years we were together. Things just got worse to the point where we became emotionally detached as well. After 11 years of marriage, 3 kids and a $1.3 million dollar mortgage, we called it quits. I just can't live in a life where I can't be true to myself...being authentic is important to survive this life and be the best you can be to yourself and to the people you care about. I'm a better mother, friend, daughter, etc. because I now understand that I can't compromise my own emotional well being to keep others (my family, friends) happy. Believe me, they will all come around. They will be shocked, but if they know you well, they'll know you're not the type to just go, "Ok, it's been real, bye!" Ya know what I mean? <br />
<br />
And those people who don't understand, can think what they will...you can't stress over stuff you can't control. You gotta be true to yourself, ALWAYS. It's awesome that you're recognizing this early. Even a person like me who had a "perfect" life found the courage to find my own happiness. It's THAT important.<br />
<br />
I highly recommend that you read the book, "Something More," by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Amazing! Ignore the bad reviews because honestly, only people who are ready to listen to their inner selves...their souls...are ready to understand Sarah's message. We owe it to ourselves to not live to make other people happy, which is some how the way we (especially women) have been trained to believe in our society. Nothing could be further than the truth. Have courage! You are ahead of most of us already that at 27, you have recognized that there must be "Something More."

As for you scarlet, you made the first step by putting yourself out there and acknowledging there is an issue before you have have 2.5 kids and a $300,000 mortgage. There is nothing wrong with something not working out. The bottom line is YOU have to live with the person not your family or friends. We are all meant to be happy, so seek it out because once you have it daily you will never understand how you did it before. TRUST ME!!!

I guess the one question everyone should ask themselves is: do I enjoy being touched and kissed by this person for extended periods of time? I'm not talking just about sex...do you want this person near you or playfully hanging on you when you are shopping; while milling about at a festival with a beer in hand; standing in line to get your new iPad at the Apple Store or watching a movie together. No one is cold because we all crave closeness, we are just with the wrong person. The problem is, before we do anything about it, we are 10 years into it with 2 kids and a mortgage and feel trapped. It is never too late to leave and set out to find happiness. I always thought about Ferdinand Magellan and his philosophy: "unless man has the courage to lose sight of the shore we will never discover new worlds" .... You will never find happiness, love and intimacy unless you break free and set out!!! Another adage I like: "a smooth sea never made a skillful mariner" .... You need these rocky emotional times to help you find what you desire...this will be your navigation instrument to guide you towards love and intimacy. Believe me, it is the truth...my story is a testament to it as you will gradually learn...your soulmate will be brought to you I assure you!

Scarlet 0207..you did what I did..married the nicest guy..and everytime you question it..everyone says" OMG ! He is so wonderful! " So you think you are supposed to stay with him and marry him! I was with my ex since high school..some time in college..lived with him 7 years and then got married..10 years later I realized I married him because he was so "nice"! And sooo handsome! No one coaches us on the fact that we are supposed to "want" to kiss this person..and put our mouth all over them! You like sex..just not with him! I am so happy you realized it after only a year..as I wasted 10 years thinking i was just a cold person! Turns out...I actually can initiate sex..and I truly cant believe I LOVE it!!!!!!! With the right person!!!!!

Hi everyone, <br />
<br />
I am new here, I just searched the term " no chemistry" and found this. I found all your posts pretty helpful and interesting to read. <br />
<br />
I'm 27 and I've only been married for a year and a half. I DO love my husband, he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. However, even before we got married, our sex life had been going downhill for awhile.. (due to my lack of interest). I had chalked it up to just going through a "phase" , because really everything else was fine.. even now, we never fight, etc. Everybody loves him, my parents, my sisters, we all share the same circle of friends, etc. <br />
<br />
I have been asking whoever I can for advice, but it's hard for me to explain this. I just don't feel attracted to him sexually. I've read articles that say you just have to " do it" to get back into the swing of things. I've tried, and sometimes I'll lay out lingerie and get prepared to try and initiate something.. but when the time comes I just can't bring myself to do it. <br />
<br />
I feel awful because he really does try to make me happy and be a good husband and he is so easy-going and will do anything for me. I love him, but I feel like it's like a best friend instead of a husband. I wish I could change it but I'm not sure what to do. <br />
<br />
I am constantly attracted to other people. I feel awful about it. I know my whole family and all my friend will be pissed and disappointed with me if I get divorced. It's so hard to because, how can you explain it to anyone? "Yes mom and dad, he's a great guy all around, but I don't feel like banging him" . It sounds so absurd. Thinking of starting counseling, but don't have high hopes. <br />
<br />
Ugh well, for lack of a better phrase, this sucks.

Halleblueberry..I CANT BELIEVE you mentioned breathing through your mouth when around your ex! I feel the same exact way!!!! And still!! I have been divorced 2 years and still cant breathe his air! Again, not that he smells bad...i just dont jive with his chemistry!!! NOT supposed to be that way! As I too am with the right person and CANNOT get enough of him..and the kissing and putting your mouth on that person just feels SOO right! Anyone that doesnt feel this..u may be with the wrong person!

Primal things are not things we can train ourselves to like or do. If you don't like the way your mate smells or tastes, you NEVER will no matter how much they mask it with various scents. It's not to say they smell or taste bad, just not pleasing to YOU. To someone else they will smell and taste divine!!! One of the key elements to ME is: do i mind the person and everything they are in my space! I didn't before, but i do now and LOVE it!!! We shouldn't go through life marginally satisfied with the person you are with. You shouldn't look for reasons to get out of the house with your friends instead of your mate. And you shouldn't be happy when your mate has a night planned out with their friends. I know i use to be happy because i would have the place to myself once the kids were in bed. That shouldn't be the case. I think once a person finds their soulmate they will periodically experience tears of joy. To feel as though you finally found your other half that has been missing. It is a wonderful feeling to feel "as one"...in a lot of ways ;-)

Yup...never wanted to put my mouth on any part of my ex's body, and kissing him was really just okay. Our first kiss lacked the pizzazz of a first kiss. I should have known right there, but what can you do when you're 24 and naive. I used to breath through my mouth when I was close to him, because I didn't like the way he smelled (also a very primal thing). And I didn't like foreplay at all. I just wanted to get in, do it, and get out fast! I rarely initiated sex and I always wanted to get to the end and be done with it.<br />
<br />
Now I'm with the right person, and I love the way he smells and tastes. My mouth is constantly on him, even after a long, sweaty day when we're both all sticky. We are still so into each other. It's incredible!!! I'm so happy these days that I cry a lot, because I'm just so overwhelmed! Imagine that the love I dreamed about is finally something I get to experience, nurture and enjoy. Amazing!!!

When you are with the right person you should WANT to put your mouth on them. It is sort of a basic relationship litmus test because if you are passionate about that person you want your mouth on them. To kiss their mouth, neck and body parts, but not just as prelude to sex. When you are near them and just have to come up behind and kiss their neck or lips...again, not as indicator that you want to take it to the bedroom. It is a very primal thing with humans that when we are that passionate about something we need to involve our mouths, and im not just talking about babies and children. When i was married, i never felt this over whelming need to get my mouth on her, and she is a very beautiful woman. It was "i need to get laid"...then it was 2 minutes of foreplay, a minute of kissing then: "get in, get off and get out. " Like i said earlier, people are talking about a sexless marriage, but you can be in the situation i was (frequent sex) and still feel lost. Now, i am with my soulmate and let me tell you something!! We are ALWAYS touching and kissing. I feel just that need to get my mouth on her and touch her, and she loves it!! When we get naked in bed, it is so fun, erotic, sensual and exhilirating!!!! We always say we don't know how long we were in bed...foreplay is amazing and soooo very neccessary, and i never really realized that. When you are with the right person, you want prolong intimacy...and if you don't want it to last, then you are with the wrong person and will never fully experience what intimacy is all about. It should be fun, erotic, sensual and exhilirating all the time. When you find that person and experience this, you will know.

I would work all day on my thoughts to get myself prepared for a "romantic evening"....it was so much work! I thought I was just a person who didnt like sex...Although in the back of my mind, i knew there was more to sex than just the end result..(you can do that yourself)..I knew there was more but didnt know what. I avoided intimacy at all costs..any excuse to say " how about tomorrow?!" These are all signs that you are with the wrong person. Because when you are with the right person, which I am now, you LOVE their touch..there is no "convincing " yourself to get naked! You dont care how late it is, or that you ate too much, or that the kids are in the next room sleeping...you just have to be close to that person! And let me tell you...ladies...if you are leaving your shirt on during sex...you are SOOOOO with the wrong person!! Its the same as going to a party and leaving your coat on saying '"I wont be staying..I am just here because I have to be..I m leaving in a minute!" If anyone out there thinks they dont like sex...you do...you just dont like it with the person you are with!!

OMG NASA!!! I could not agree with you more. For years, my sex life was out of obligation. I'd count how many times I'd done it with him in a week and figured he should be happy and good to go until next week. I thought it was normal to check out of love making and fantasize about other people to get into the mood. After awhile, even the fantasizing wasn't enough and I'd have to be semi-drunk to get into it with him. Sex was always, "Let's get this over with and do it fast." And all the while, I kept telling myself that it was my fault that this was happening...that I'm not sexually capable of having a passionate relationship with my husband. <br />
<br />
Then I met my soulmate and it all made complete and total sense why I was so unhappy. It's never contrived and always natural. In fact, I always wanted more. And you're soooo right. We could not have sex and just feel so complete being together...or even if we're just talking on the phone. Shoots...sometimes we're not even talking; we're just smiling and listening to each other's voices is all we need. It's effortless...that's when I knew I had met the right man.

No thread was hijacked here as this is blog to help and seek happiness. Let me explain something here. Anyone who uses sex as a barometer of marital happiness is heading down the wrong road. My ex-wife and i had very frequent sex through out our 14 year relationship, but it was completely connectionless. It was "get in, get off and get out". You must be having sex with the RIGHT person or you will NEVER find the happy connection. Sex, like love, is a gift, not an obligation. If you have to keep track of the frequency or psych yourself up for it, then you are with the wrong person. If you have to have a "sexual game plan" for the night, you are with the wrong person. If you try to convince yourself to have sex, you are with the wrong person. If you don't really care if you have sex that night and LOVE the person's presence and touch, you are with with the right person. And if you experience the latter, your night will end up with sex without you even knowing it. I know because because i am now with my soulmate, who i have know for 30 years, and to play and hang out and not have a sexual "game plan" is a blast because you fully enjoy the evening. And let me tell you, when you play and love and have fun, intimacy happens without you even knowing it. That is the type of intimacy we all seek because that is contentment, safety, sensual, erotic and loving. It doesn't get any better than that.

Oh and I should add something about my experience with this soulmate...the right one makes you want to be a better person and puts you at peace with who you are. Like when I'm in a quarrel with my man, we get into it and then I soften quickly...he has a calming effect on me because our connection is so wonderful; so we resolve our conflicts a lot faster and with a lot more empathy. And since meeting, we both have been each others' catalysts for positive change. I've inspired him to move forward professionally and personally...and he has done the same for me. <br />
<br />
In my previous relationship, it was just one bad feeling after another. I didn't grow in that situation and was exhausted from trying so hard to make the relationship work. It got to the point where I'd find everything he said annoying and he'd tip toe around me to avoid getting into conflict.

I originally thought that perhaps we hijacked this thread and was getting way off subject, but in fact, I think we're not at all. <br />
<br />
For some, the lack of sex is due to external problems that can definitely be resolved with empathy and work. Like for instance, there are financial problems at home and one or both parties are stressed, and as a result, they are neglecting their relationship. This is something that isn't impossible to fix. <br />
<br />
But for others, there is an inherent disconnect in the relationship that was ignored and is impossible to create something that was never there to begin with. It's so easy to just keep going with the appearances as NASA67 indicated. And I've mentioned with the living together...so easy just to say, "well we've gone this far, might as well get married." What with parents telling you it's time or hurry up before your biological clock explodes. There's so much pressure to keep up the image of a "perfect" life.<br />
<br />
I think it's important to always strive to be self aware and little by little, you'll make head way towards being your true self. This is the only form of yourself that can make decisions that will make YOU happy. Otherwise, you'll be making decisions about your life while looking through other people's glasses, instead of your own.

i have read all of the above entries and agree that being married to the wrong person affects intimacy. Unfortunately, most couples do not truly know or understand intimacy because the relationship starts very superficial (looks) and for the most part stays that way - trying to maintain "the perfect couple" image to everyone (family, friends and the general public), and before you know it, you have been together "x" amount of time and feel "compelled" to go to the next level and get married. Most everyone focuses on looks and salary instead of those things that truly make us happy. I agree with Wendica in that you should want to kiss your partner's face off or want to be touching them in some form. Intimacy should just flow and not be planned or forced. If you are with the right person, physical touch anytime is just as rewarding as "connectionless" sex; which by the way i had. Many kudos to all of you for not settling and becoming a little more self actualized.

I know it seems like we are off the track of "sexless marriage", but actually what we are trying to do here is have people recognize that this is really not the problem at all, a" loveless marriage" is the problem. To find an answer to a sexless marriage is not the solution..trying to find ways to have more sex per month is not going to fix things....to find out if there is any "true love" in the marriage is where you start. Is there love between you and your partner..Im not asking if you love them, because I am sure you do, I love my ex with all my heart, but it was not the type we need to base a marriage on..it was not true love.I did not ever want to be intimate with him. There is external love ( I call it) where everything is perfect on paper, and internal love, where you just have this amazing connection and passion and fun with someone..thats the love we are talking about.

Tricky...thank you so much for posting your message here. I COMPLETELY AGREE with all of Wendica's comments. I will also add a few notes from my end:<br />
<br />
After years of feeling like a real relationship was out of my reach...that that sort of thing was relegated to movies and fairy tales...I realized that OMG, this was suddenly happening to me and I loved it! The wrong relationship made me rationalize a life that was unfulfilling. The psyche is a powerful thing and in hindsight, it was a bit scary to see that I too took about 10 years (hmm, maybe there's something to that number) to realize that I wasn't being myself and in fact, I HAD to be someone else to fit into this relationship. HOW LONG CAN ONE DO THIS BEFORE THEY CRACK? Everything was forced for me...all the things you should be doing if you're into each other like touching, romantic gestures, tender exchanges...the stuff a marriage thrives on felt contrived. Why didn't I leave him early on? For the same reasons as Wendica...WE looked good on paper...we were the perfect couple in many ways. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER IN THE END. If you don't have the physical and emotional chemistry...that deep connection, you're headed for splitsville without a doubt. So why go that route? <br />
<br />
Also, I've seen this several times and I've done this myself so there must be some merit in couples who have lived together tend to get married regardless of how compatible they are. In other words, they get so used to being around each other, they tend to forget to pay attention to warning signs as Wendica pointed out in her post. I did exactly that. If I had time to myself and did not have that "dependency" that I built up over time after living with him for years, I might have saved myself some grief. <br />
<br />
But ya know, I also believe in a higher power...some force, God, whatever you believe.... in the Universe that's driving our lives. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you have to go through some hard times to learn and grow to appreciate what comes next. If I had not had this relationship that ended in divorce, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself...that I was living to please my parents, and that I was doing so many things to suppress my true self. Freakin takes humans a long time to mature..some never get there. Some get there early because they have good role models growing up and others...like me...have to walk their own road and figure it out over time. When I was ready...which was just last year...I met and recognized my own soulmate. He taught me that I was most definitely married to the wrong person for all the reasons I just described. By then, I'd already checked out of marriage. I'm the one Wendica is describing...I started going to Vegas to escape my life and never ever wanted to take my hub with me because we simply did not have a good time together. Our relationship was always lacking that enjoyment of simply being in each others' company. <br />
<br />
And a note about that...fun doesn't have to mean anything extravagant. If you can have fun just running through the rain together...which I find amazingly romantic with my soul mate...you've got something there. And you've got to be sure you're past that initial infatuation phase. Be careful to give yourself a lot of time to get past the first ooos and ahhhs to be sure your relationship isn't shrouded in the euphoric throes of early courtship. <br />
<br />
But there's also something else going on with Wendica and my relationships. There was a weird sense that we had always known this person...through lifetimes. I'm a very rational person with kids and all that. I'm no crazy artist type tripped out on weed or whatever. And I was blindsided by the strange coincidences surrounding my soulmate...how we could finish each others' sentences after only a few months and have similar family backgrounds...down to the type of fish we used to keep in our aquariums growing up. And remember also that the sex naturally focuses on the emotion when you're with the right person...it has nothing to do with performance or how you do this or that. No no no! There's an amazing emotional draw...like the strongest magnet you can imagine that stretches beyond lust. Waaaayyyy beyond. <br />
<br />
Bottom line...your soul mate is out there. Anyone else is just settling. And you need to be ready to recognize him. You have to be ready to be yourself and to live for yourself. Any other ties you have to your parents or ideals of who you should be with will impede on you recognizing who you should be with. When you find him, you will be the catalyst for each other. Things you never thought you could do, you can do when you've had this experience. It opens you up and makes you live your dreams. You don't have the blocks that a bad romance can bring you. <br />
<br />
Good luck!

Thenewtricky, I am so happy to hear some of what we discussed has helped you! I think the first step in finding out if you are married to the wrong person, is to realize it! The second thing is to correct the error of marrying the wrong person. A relationship can look fantastic on paper..nice guy, great job, handsome, etc..but if there is no mutual physical and mental connection, then this may not be the person you are supposed to be with. One of the biggest indicators is sex..is it an "activity" ? Is it a performance? If you are with the right person, it is an emotional experience, you just want to be that close with the person and you cant get enough of them. Even out of the bedroom, physical contact is inevitable with the right person, you always have to be touching, like holding hands..sitting close with your bodies touching..you are connected! And these signs of touching do NOT always lead to sex, they are just signs of love and closeness..and both people know that and feel safe with it. Relationships that are right, do not grow old, if this feels like it has happened, usually one of the mates realizes something is missing and pulls away..this could take 10 years!! (it took me that long) The hard part is deciding to leave and make yourself happy by finding the love that is right for you, even though the relationship looks perfect on paper. And as important as a physical connection is, having someone you can "play" with..a true playmate...is equally important. The right person for you will fill both of these. Look for signs in your relationship now..do you go out with friends to get your fun fulfilled? Or do you guys go out to happy hour together, or go bowling and have fun?! The right person is definitely someone you cant keep your hands off of (even though it wont always lead to sex), and someone you LOVE to play with. Does going to Las Vegas for a weekend sound more fun with your friends or with your mate?

Nah..you're right Vector..Thought crossed my mind many messages ago but got overexcited. My bad. We'll take this to our own personal forum ;)

Um…do you guys realize you're having this long drawn out conversation that none of us are quite privy to but we can all see it?<br />
<br />
Try messaging each other instead of creating an even longer thread on an old story to which neither of you are adding to. Or, simply block my crazy *** for asking you. Either way. Just sayin'.

No problem! I just blocked this crazy lunatic. <br />
<br />
I will definitely see those two movies!!! I was moved to tears when I saw the trailer of Letters to Juliet. I get it! I totally get it!

Somehow, it does not surprise me that you can not figure out what is being refused. <br />
<br />
<br />
Man, can this get crazier????

AnarChristian is someone who likes to harrass people...he's just bitter because his/her wife/husband won't give him sex. This does not give you the right to go around criticizing and judging other people and their experiences on here. We all have our stories. If this doesn't jive with you, then move on. GET A LIFE!!!!!!

" It takes about seven lifetimes to actually connect with and marry a soulmate/twin soul...at least that's what I read in an article recently. " <br />
Wow! What a convenient justification for refusing!

So Wendica...I've been reading excerpts of the Divine Complement on Amazon...OMG OMG! This is my experience...completely! I also have felt this spiritual connection...like being closer to God but I'm not particularly religious. So it's totally just my soul speaking and saying, "Thank you for listening to ME!" <br />
<br />
About the book I recommended to you...read excerpts here and there before deciding to buy. I never finished it because frankly, I could have written the concept of the book and its underlying meaning just by having had this soulmate experience, because I just automatically focused on the emotions with him. I have never EVER done this before. Sex was always something that just had to be done for me in this marriage and in past relationships. Sometimes enjoyable...usually just ok...as the relationship wore on...it became downright difficult and I had to check out emotionally. <br />
<br />
Please let me know if you'd like to keep in touch over email. It's rare to find another person who knows what I've been going through. THANK YOU!!!!!!

Also watch the movie trailer for Letters to Juliet..its coming out in summer...TOTALLY about letting the love of your life slip away and trying to find them later!!! I CANT WAIT FOR THIS! Go to IMDB.com to watch the trailer!

I totally believe what you are saying..I have heard that before! and the funny thing is I feel so at peace with life now after finding this love. They say..You only live once ..but if you do it right..once is enough! I feel like I am doing it right! This love is why we are here..and I can see why it takes 7 lifetimes to get it right!!! I was really relating to your story when you said you kept pushing away from this relationship.I tried for 2 years to NOT want this..its impossible to MAKE yourself love someone( my ex) and its just as impossible to make yourself NOT love someone. I was was watching movie trailers with my ex..one is Leap Year that just came out..i broke down in tears ..knowing how that love feels! And for a split second I thought to myself..".THANK YOU for not staying just so he wouldnt be sad".I cant imagine watching a movie again about THIS love..and knowing it exists..and having chosen not to take it. There is a movie called Deja Vu with Vanessa Regrave, you can get it on itunes. The movie is about this...What if the love of your life, your soulmate, comes knocking at your door..and you are already married to someone else..what do you do? The movie is the most amazing!!!!! No one will doubt their decision after seeing this!!!

No...Thank YOU! This is one of those things that very few people can understand. Shoots...if you told me about this two years ago, I'd look at you funny. When it first started happening, a friend of mine who is a psychiatrist shared her soulmate experience with me. I totally didn't get it at first and saw this as this as a dangerous place to be in...involved with another man while I was married. But in fact, it turned into an incredible journey about finding myself and as a result, figuring out why I felt so disconnected to my marriage and my life. My friend encouraged me to explore the connection with my soulmate because there were valuable lessons to learn...I am so glad I listened to her. <br />
<br />
Here's the other thing. It takes about seven lifetimes to actually connect with and marry a soulmate/twin soul...at least that's what I read in an article recently. In other lifetimes, twin souls will meet for a reason and then break apart. In the seventh lifetime, the twin souls supposedly will come together...any and all current circumstances/age/etc. notwithstanding...and spend the rest of their lives together. When they die, they will descend into the universe, never to return to earth again. Unfortunately, I am unable to find the article again. Whether or not any of this is true is anyone's guess. But it's interesting.

Thank you so much!!!!!

Who is the author of Passionate Marriage?

I am SOOOOO happy that you understand what I am saying! Infatuation is a label people put on relationships they dont understand!!! This connection is something people dont understand unless they have experienced it . Dont let them influence you..people are sooo negative! I will read the Passionate Marriage!!!! I will be getting it tomorrow no matter what!!

Wow! Kudos to Wendica! Have you read the "Passionate Marriage"? I was floored when I read it. Here it is...a book written by a well known therapist describing the experience of sex as most of us know it as totally off the mark. Our society encourages us to focus on pleasing your partner or focus on pleasing yourself or focus on your performance, etc etc. But the reality is that to have REAL SEX is to focus on the emotional connection. And you are so right, TIME has nothing to do with the duration that we love. I will always love my kids...10, 20, 50 years from now. The most beautiful thing is that I've found the right person, and no relationship has ever felt so right and fallen into place so easily. This is no infatuation. It's an uncanny, unusual, freaky, crazy connection that only people who have experienced it can understand.

You should want to be intimate with the person you are with..there is no such thing as someone "wants sex or doesnt" . Sex is not a physical activity...it is an emotion..and you never get tired of feeling that emotion. You dont "grow out" of love just because you have been with someone for a long time. I wont love my kids less the older they get..or people dont love their pets less because they have had them for too many years. It just takes time for people to realize they married the wrong person. Its the internal connection that brings people together. In our world we are so focused on the exterior..You tell someone you met a guy..their response is" What does he do? What does he look like?" etc..its a check list. Where now , knowing what i know..i will ask" Do you want him to hold your hand? Do you want him to kiss you? Do you laugh with him?" These are the things love and life are based on..it brings pure happiness that is unexplainable unless you have experienced it. I say "Look around every corner..dont stop searching and certainly DONT SETTLE FOR LESS!!!

"I feel like we are co-parents and roommates instead of husband and wife."<br />
<br />
That really sums up how I feel. My problem is that my wife thinks that there's nothing wrong with that at all. I'm beginning to think there may just be two types of people in the world. The folk on this forum just married the wrong type...

I AM SPEECHLESS!!!!!!!! I cried through your whole letter..as if I were writing it myself! You are so brave to pay attention to all the signs..and to believe in Soulmates! I am SOOOO happy for your new life!!! Please read that book I mentioned..its called Something More..Excavating your Authentic Self! I read it and I feel like I dont have to write a book to share this amazement with anyone..its as if I wrote this one!!! Also, there is a book about Soulmates called Divine Complement by Ariadne Greene...if you believe in soulmates..you must read this! Thank you so much for sharing our story! Your kids will benefit so much from experiencing the love you will present to them...from being a happier Mom, to sharing the love you have for your soulmate and letting them see it blossom! Have a happy wonderful life:)

This is in response to the sexless part of this thread as well as Wendica's note:<br />
<br />
I've been through therapy for over a year now, both couples and individual therapy. The one huge lesson I learned from this is that I never let my authentic self live. I have always lived for other people, especially my parents. I married my current husband (STBX) of over 11 years to please them. But even before I walked down the aisle, I KNEW we were physically and emotionally incompatible. We had some serious problems in the bedroom (I found out much later that he had a two year affair while we were engaged as a result of our problems) and we didn't see eye to eye on a lot of issues. BUT...we both still got married because we did love each other and I wanted to make my parents proud that I was marrying exactly who I thought they imagined a perfect husband should be. Plus, I was young. I figured, it's just a small part of the marriage and it shouldn't be a big deal (can you believe that HE also felt the same way?)<br />
<br />
The price I paid for ignoring my needs and my true self were high. I had to be complacent in respect to my expectations for intimacy. So did he. It was hard for him to be rejected all these years. It was hard for me to "fake it" and pretend or to force myself to get into the act out of obligation. <br />
<br />
As far as our differences went, I found myself changing my way of thinking to accommodate this marriage. And perhaps if we were more emotionally compatible, we wouldn't have had such a hard time communicating our needs to each other. One could also say that if we had more in common in terms of our philosophies in life, we wouldn't have found ourselves at odds with each other in the first place. You put on top of that the fact that we weren't connecting physically, there was a serious spiritual disconnect in our relationship on the whole.<br />
<br />
The damage of being emotionally and physically incompatible extends to psychological wounds. As I mentioned, he felt rejected and his self-esteem was impaired. I too felt ugly because he would turn to **** magazines for stimulation because I wouldn't respond to him; believe me, I don't look like those girls and that did something to my self-esteem. And I felt terribly guilty for not being able to respond. I thought there was something wrong with me and that i didn't like sex, wasn't romantic and an inattentive lover. <br />
<br />
Now for years, I didn't want to face the facts. I ran away from them. It wasn't until I started discovering some awful secrets...like the affair and a couple of other things...that served as a catalyst for pushing me to find answers.<br />
<br />
But looking for what ails you isn't so easy. When you're in the situation, it's hard to see clearly. I started a new hobby with the intention of turning it into a business. I immersed myself into wondering if the source of my unhappiness was from not having something to call my own. I loved it and found myself pulling further away from my husband. I would rather work on this new hobby than be with him. And to tell him that I had new client orders and couldn't make love that night felt good. Bad sign, I tell you!<br />
<br />
Obviously, that wasn't the answer to my question...why am I unhappy. So I started writing articles online and getting a lot of response from the male persuasion. To my surprise, I really responded to this attention. I relished in it. It became an intoxicating addiction. Soon, I was making "friends" and after years of exploring relationships outside of my marriage (mostly online), I realized I was on this crazy spiral heading down...way way down. And I still hadn't found the answer to my unrest, because not one of the men I had met made me feel like my search was over...there was still something missing.<br />
<br />
Then...I met a man...completely randomly and in the weirdest, most unexpected manner. Over the next year, I pushed him away many times. I didn't want anything to do with him, because I knew he was different. I knew that he was here to teach me something and I didn't want to hear the lesson. I knew that it would be a painful one and I wasn't brave enough yet to face my future. <br />
<br />
When I finally met him in person, we both felt like we had known each other for generations before. It was the weirdest thing. Our connection was effortless. Our physical and emotional chemistry were intense and it opened up the portal to everything I had denied myself all of these years. And I knew, he was what I had been looking for. <br />
<br />
But still, reality sets in. We are both people of integrity and this situation seemed absolutely ridiculous to us. Why would I cheat, and why would he get involved with a married woman? Absurd and against what we stood for. But neither of us could deny the weird pull we felt that came from the gut and through our heart and kept us together no matter how hard we tried to run the other way. And there were the strange coincidences of him typing out lyrics on IM of a song that was playing on the radio on my end...and he didn't even have a radio on. I kid you not...this happened a twice already. And that's just the tip of the iceberg...all the times we've guessed what the other person is thinking and finished each other's sentences only after knowing each other for LESS THAN A YEAR! Strange, I tell ya. <br />
<br />
But knowing him has helped me to paint a picture of why this marriage left me so unfilled and utterly unhappy. I get it now. And I finally had the courage to try to fix my marriage through counseling. It was a huge emotional undertaking. During that time, I had little room in my psyche to entertain thoughts of a life with my soulmate. All I wanted to do was fix my marriage and make it liveable for my kids. <br />
<br />
Ironically, therapy "unpacked" a lot of ugly stuff that had happened over the years and I had internalized. This ugly stuff had undermined my trust in him. When they were brought out to roost, a wave of emotion swept over all of us, but especially me. Like a wound left untreated, the hurt grew and grew to the point where after it was all out in the open and dealt with, there was nothing left but exhaustion and a sad awful feeling that this was the end. <br />
<br />
We are now separated and I still feel very sad that things didn't work out. But as I emerge from the rubble and begin to heal, my heart turns to my soulmate, who helped me to find the courage to rise above my fears and face my future. Being with him is an amazing experience. It's effortless and beautiful. I feel inspired sexually and emotionally by our relationship. Somehow I know that this is it. I've finally come home. I can be myself, be with someone that I truly am compatible with, and from there, who knows? When a person emerges from the darkness that was one's life, she may see from the light beyond that there's so much more possibility. <br />
<br />
I can tell you one thing...I'm a much more tuned-in mom nowadays, because of all that I've gone through to this point. It's like somehow my heart has been opened up so much wider and I am able to see so much more that life has to offer. I feel empowered because I no longer have to hide who I am. It's scary as hell, but this is my calling.

OMG!! I hope some of you return to read this. I dated a guy all through high school, because he was so handsome, on the football team, soooo nice to me! We never fought! Things became difficult when we both went to different colleges and we broke up. I had a childhood friend that was the world to me,best friends! We started hanging out together again in our college days and I have never has so much fun, never any intimacy, just fun!! We had a misunderstanding and didnt speak for 16 years. I ended up going to a wedding with my high school boyfriend, I said to myself(after being so disappointed by my best friend) THIS IS THE WAY I WANT TO BE TREATED FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!! He was wonderful at that wedding, so worried that I was ok, having fun,etc. We lived together for 7 years.Ended up in Southern California,got married, had 2 kids..perfect life! There is one problem, I was not very interested in sex . Maybe I am not an affectionate person, my Dad wasnt! So I am like him. We made the decision to move to Cleveland Ohio to raise our kids.Thats where I grew up and i LOVED IT!!!!! My husband was worried because that is where my best friend and I grew up and he was still near there, I said "WE WERE JUST FRIENDS!!!" !!! My friend had called me a few times when I was in Ca, much to my husbands dismay. I assured him it was ok, nothing there! Well, to make a long story longer, My husband and I were invited to a wedding. My best friend was there, the minute I looked him in the eyes, i knew that instant I married the wrong person!!! It wasnt that I was cold or not affectionate, I was just with the wrong person. I told my husband of 10 years that I loved my friend. I never had the passion or chemistry with my husband, I never lost it, I just never ever had it. I married him because he was so nice to me. We had a great business ,co parenting relationship. I love him more than anyone in this world!!! I just dont want him kissing or hugging me EVER!!! I blamed myself for years that I just wasnt affectionate. I took my 4 and 5 year old boys and moved out into a brand new apartment. I have never been happier in my life!!!! I am such a happy Mom! My ex still asks me all the time to come back, and its been 2 years since the divorce. I still love him to death, but still dont want him touching or kissing me. My best friend on the other hand, everytime he even holds my hand, I MELT!!! I was brought to my soulmate. Dont settle for less ! You should want to kiss your mates face off ALL THE TIME! There should definitely be a soul connection between you and your mate. Everyone reading this should go right now and order the book SOMETHING MORE by SARAH ban BREATHNACH...buy a highlighter to go with it, it will change your life!!!! I hope this makes sense to someone. Dont ever settle, you should wake up every morning happy as you can be with your head next to the right person. Funny thing...at that wedding, my best friend said..."i just want you to know that your birthday has been my security code for my work for the past 17 years, I always wanted my life with you''. The day his divorce was final, he got news that I was moving back to Ohio.

Just wondering what the outcome of this was or if there is an update. I am in the same situation and have been agonizing over this for quite some time. We have a 3 year old and what makes mine a bit worse in my perspective is that I am now 4 months pregnant. <br />
<br />
I feel horrible about the thought of breaking up my family but I am not sure I can keep living like this anymore. I kept talking myself out of the feelings of having no chemistry or passion for my husband. He is such a wonderful man and father that I blamed myself and wondered what was wrong with me for not being attracted to him. We normally have sex on average about 2x per month and have not had sex now since October. We don't kiss, touch, no intimacy what so ever. He must feel something is not right, but we have yet to talk about the elephant in the room. <br />
<br />
Any advice on how to get this conversation started would be much appreciated.<br />
Thank you!

Wow, that's how I feel as well.<br />
French kissing my husband feels so weird, awkward, and just SO WRONG.

I have been married for four years..and my husband told me last night that the relationship has no "high" to it since we are now married. We used to be that way..now I have a husband who doesn't want me sexually. We have a three year old daughter. I am a very intimate person..who doesn't want to.

I dont have any advice, but sympathy. I am in a very similar situation. we've been married 7 years. The thing is, we did have the chemistry. We have great communication and I love him, I'm just not sexually attracted to him. I can appreciate that he is attractive, but he just doesn't do it for me now. I also have felt chemistry with some other men, so I know it isn't broken. Also not sure whether to stay or go. Seems harsh and cold but I also don't want to stay in a relationship where we are good friends, but not more.

grendelan- I actually think he's goodlooking... but the desire to have sex with him isn't there. Isn't that weird? I've been worried for a long time about the fact that I can't even kiss him. (in a french kiss way) It feels wrong. I haven't made up my mind to leave. I'm going to give counseling a try, but can't imagine how that will help intimacy issue. <br />
iamdick100 - Did that person you know that left to be with her lover have children? Thank you for your advice. The fact that people take their own valuable time to help is just amazing.

Yes, but *why* do you find him unattractive? There's a reason, or reasons. Have you made up your mind to leave, and are afraid that digging deeper into your feelings will force you to revisit that decision?

Thank you jln99. What is the difference between a therapist and a counselor. We did just start seeing a couselor. Not doing much so far, but we did just start. My problem is that we have kids. It seems awfully selfish to screw up a family all because my needs aren't getting met. My husband is working so hard on all the non sex issues we have. He knows I'm not attracted to him and still wants me. He is an excellent father and provider. I wish so much that I was sexually attracted to him. We have a lot of work to do. We don't do the 4 T's that Katija mentioned. I'm sure that is what happened. The question is, is it too late. Thanks again.

Thank you Katija. I will try. How do you stop thinking about other men you are attracted to? It is torture. What does it mean if the thought of kissing (making out kind of kissing) my husband grosses me out? There is something wrong with that don't you think? It's hard to imagine that will change? I will try. I love him. I just want to crave and lust after him. Maybe there is no such thing after you've been married for 12 years? Again, thank you so much for taking the time to help me.

In your response you said that you were rambling. Well, yes you were but… the thing about rambling is that it shows there a lot of issues underneath the surface of what you are saying and sometimes there just aren’t enough words to express it all—I understand, I’ve been there. Everyone here has offered excellent advice and it is up to you whether or not you take it. What I’m trying to say is that your post contains a lot of “n’ts” which is a sure sign that you’ve pretty much made up your mind that nothing is going to change. You aren’t in love with your husband and that’s that! By mentioning your parent’s divorce you intimate that your discontent is inevitable but that is only true if you let it be. Consider this, there are four very important words beginning with the letter “T” that relate to a relationship. One is “Trust”. Do you trust your husband with your feelings? Do you trust him not to hurt you? Military spouses come and go a lot, whether you want them to or not, which can create feelings of abandonment. We humans instinctively protect ourselves from pain, believe me, trust is a BIG issue. Then there is “Time”. Do you two spend time together? I don’t mean going to the movies or some place where there are a lot of distractions. I mean quality time where the two of you are sharing. Gram suggested you make a date with each other; it’s a great idea, no TVs, phones, kids or company. That leads to the third T-word, “Talk”. How will you two know what is going on with each other if you don’t talk—I’m assuming here that neither of you are mind readers. Skip the platitudes and daily complaints and go for what is really on your mind. Ellemeza asks what you’re holding on to that you can’t let go; when you start talking it’ll come out; and its probably more than just one thing. When you figure it out let him know, be honest and expect honesty in return—and by all means listen to what he has to say in response. The last word is “Touch”. This doesn’t necessarily mean sex—as a matter of fact it DOESN’T mean sex, except as a culmination of your feelings for one another (even if the feelings are lust, i.e. Lilyann’s comments). Hold his hand, touch his face, and hug him even if it is just because you need a hug. Also, consider this, when it comes to intimacy, women tend to be more cerebral whereas men are more physical. Put another way, women need to feel close to have sex; men need to have sex to feel close (the Women from Venus, Men from Mars concept). If you really want your marriage to work, then expect that it will work, not the opposite. As a wife and mother, you are the heart of your home and “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!” Remember, your children are learning about love and family by watching you and your husband… just as you did. WHEW! I’m done. Good Luck.

ellemeza- thank you for your comment. That's the problem. I don't know what it is. I'm so frustrated.

Thank you grams, lillyann and grendelan. This is such an amazing site that people we don't even know take the time to offer advice and words of encouragement. My husband is in the military and comes and goes a lot. He will be home for a year now, so who knows maybe we will actually have time to put into our marriage. I have spent the last 12 years moving and spending big amounts of time alone. Maybe subconsciously that has something to do with it. It still however, feels like too much time has passed and I can't image getting those feelings back that we once had before kids. Another one of my problems is that he was my first boyfriend, we met in college and the rest is history. I never dated and feel like I missed out on that part of my life. It is magnified by the fact that I am not attracted to him any more and desire and think about other men all the time. I feel so guilty about that. I'm going to hang in there, but I'm feeling pretty hopeless. There are other issues in our marriage. He isn't emotional and fun. My needs aren't being met at all. I hope for the kids sake we can fix this. If we can't, I will probably stay and be unhappy. I was a child of divorce and am scarred to this day because of it. Of course my dad wasn't a good dad. I'm sure if we did ever split up, my husband would be an excellent dad with or without me. Okay.... I'm rambling.

I don't think the "chemistry" thing is the real reason... it's the symptom, not the disease. There's a good chance that if you split up, and find someone new, the same thing will happen all over again, only quicker. Dig deeper, be honest with yourself. Listen carefully to yourself. Why would you feel such a strong need to reject intimacy with someone who is supposed to be your life partner? What negative feelings towards him do you have stored up, and can't let go of? Why can't you let them go? Take the time to read through the postings in this group... there is a lot of information here that might help. Good Luck!

Do you and your husband take time for yourselves, I know having three children can drain a relationship, you need to try to have quality time for your mate, make a date each week just for the two of you, try to rekindle that fire you had. most of all be honest with yourself and him about how you feel, talk , talk and talk somemore,and listen with both ears... Good Luck