Lack of Romance and Terrible Sex

Sex can be a pretty upsetting topic for me. My sexless marriage story is kind of complicated. There's alot of factors.

Basically, I don't enjoy sex with my husband anymore. I'm not attracted to my husband anymore, and in fact, I'm kind of repulsed at times.

I'm a Christian, which means that I committed to life with him, so does it mean a life of misery?

I'm a very romantic person by nature and have intense feelings. In my past sex has been absolutely breathtaking, passionate, intense, sensual and multi-orgasmic. This makes it all the more disappointing that sex with my husband is not so good. I'll be lucky to have any ****** at all. He'll be lucky to keep his erection.

On top of that I have HSV which is exsaserbated by stress which is contstant as our stress is constant. there's no money for supresison therapy, etc, as he is jobless, and we are super poor, and barely eating at this point.

I have a history of severe sexual abuse. I've had 6 plus years of therapy, plus healing from God for a total of 11 years of healing. That's one factor. The sexual abuse makes the HSV worse as my body renacts the abuse/trauma in the form of HSV virus.

I think at the heart of it is severe marital problems and discord. We can't afford marriage counseling or family counseling at this point. He's had constant on and off joblessness since we've been married which has hurt all of us in the family. He also has anger control problems. I think that has pushed me away. Also to make it worse there's verbal abuse at times, constant twisting of words, and he doesn't take responsibility for his actions.

We do both beleive in God so that is good.

Another problem is that I was promiscous earlier on in my life so I've had lots of men to compare him, too. I decided good lovers are made inately by someone's personality style plus if they learn about sexual techniques it makes them all the better. Perceptive, sensitive, confident, self-less and giving, manually skilled, athletic, willing to learn, and pasionate, intense, romantic and soulful types make the best lovers.

My husband will never be this way no matter how much he learns. We rushed into the marriage because I thought I heard from God plus we didn't have sex until we were married-I abstained for 6 years prior to marrying him. So I didn't know what he would be like. I  was so sex deprived when I first met him that I was attracted and easily turned on-I had an ****** after our first kiss- but this quickly faded. I don't even enjoy kissing him. I never had a repulsion for kisisng before. I used to love it, but his kisses are sloppy and slobberly. This could be related to some of my sexual abuse, not sure-but it was never a problem when I was single. I loved kisisng, then. Sex was Ok after we first got married. It was never great, but there were times when it was kind of sweet. He was never an awesome lover, but there were times when I got excited and we were mutally satisified.

He doesn't know I feel this way, but he does know I lost my desire.

Maybe marriage counseling can help when we can finally afford it. Maybe repessive therapy can help with the HSV breakouts. Maybe I need more sexual abuse counseling.

Sometimes I feel hopeless, though. And I wonder what if all those things don't help? what if i never get my attraction back? what if God wants me to live in a miserable sexless marriage forever? I decided it was just one sacrifice I was willing to make for God, or maybe punishment for all my past sins.

We will see.

hiddenbutterfli hiddenbutterfli
36-40, F
34 Responses Jul 17, 2007

God does not want you in a miserable marriage. There is nothing in Holy Scripture that supports a sexless marriage, an abusive marriage or a miserable one. Jesus came so that we would have life and that life more abundantly!!!
There are some online marriage aids like the generous and marriage today. that may be a place to start.
I hope and pray that your marriage is healed and restored

You sound so overwhelmed. You're not going to find happiness in sex. I think it is a problem but you're just using it as an excuse. I would like to chat with you but have to get home. Can we chat over the weekend?

I only read the first two paragraphs. As a Christian honestly you using that to be bound to a person whom you will make miserable is not an excuse. Be honest with him and allow him a chance at happiness in a honest and happy marriage that both of you want. Just not possible together.

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my name is Gra.nt. do you want to hook up with me I'm incredible in bed. text me 417 894 9049

This describes my life to a tee!! Ha I'm not alone!!!!!!

Some Years ago, stories began to emerge in the media of a high profile bishop, and a high profile priest here in Ireland who were both living in relationships with women, had fathered children, and then there came the avalanche of stories about the extent of child abuse within the church worldwide. <br />
I was a catholic, mass-going christian, and I too abstained before marriage. My working life in a mental hospital suddenly opened my eyes....<br />
I realised that almost every page of the bible describes a psychotic episode. <br />
Think about it... Schizophrenia = people hearing voices... Paranoia = an irrational fear of nothing... seeing visions... a burning bush that was talking to ... I actually forget who ..... <br />
well now, here is where my eyes were opened. The area of Palestine ( the 'HOLY LAND') is where some of the finest recreational drug plants originate, combine that with the knowledge , (none), of psychiatry 2000 years ago and people thought, and others believed, that a 'higher being' was talking to them...<br />
Ladies & Gentlemen... I give you the greatest con-job ever.... religion.<br />
my advice.. drop the psychotic ideation... live your life without a burden, have sex for the fun of it... and laugh your way through the rest of your life...

Notice when the healing fails, nobody is blaming 'god' for falling down on the job?

I am not trying to sound glib, so please don't take my suggestions as being such. In my way of thinking, if you had counseling, from a Pastor, it would be free, and he would encourage your husband to be employed, which would ease your financial situation, which would cause you to look at him in a different light, rather than the revulsion you currently feel. You guys could do things that are cost-effective, but still fun, such as having a walk every other night, just to talk about the day, or any subject not related to finances or sex. It would give you exercise, help you to spend some time together, and hopefully draw you near to one another.

i am in the same boat. i am not attracted to my husband. i don't have any desire to kiss him and i prefer to have sex with him in the dark so i can pretend he is someone else. my ex boyfriends were so much better lovers that sex with him is like having sex with a board. i don't have the self confidence or energy to leave him. i can't even bare to look or speak to him these days. god i just want to have good sex again and i'm so tempted to cheat because of this!

That's my life and that's why I ended up having a 4 year affair with an amazing guy, sex was so intense, best ever. Life is too short to be sexually deprived. If he can't do it for you, find an amazing willing party. Good luck

That's cowardly, selfish and cruel. If you want someone else, you leave your spouse FIRST, so they aren't stuck being married to a cheater who doesn't want them!

I feel for you and hope things work out for you. I do not think you are meant to keep on suffering though!

I just wanted to share a resource I used to help improve myself. Sometimes we have a habit at looking at our significant other first and ourselves last but that isn't always fair. We are human and we do make mistakes but as long as we can look at ourselves and realize we change, with will power and sacrifice, nothing is impossible. This resource is a book that takes a look at the lives of people and how they cope even with some truths they may not desire to know. In life we are not going to experience everything because everything may not be for us but sometimes we do have to accept some of the things we can't control. In acceptance, we won't beat ourselves up about the things we can't change which is especially hard when others don't want to change or thing nothing is wrong with them and they don't need change or healing. The book resource is called, "Single, Sexless, & Childless: When Does the Bough Break for Marriage, Children, & A Sex Life" - can be found on; author, Rhonda Cannon Jones, LGSW, MSW. This book shows how we are all born single, sexless, and childless until we decide to drop down from the bough and get married, have sex and kids. And one thing I've learned is that marriage doesn't guarantee anything, just because you get married, that doesn't guarantee sex, intimacy, or children, and sometimes you can feel alone. However, the thing marriage guarantees is the vow & committment made before God but after the ceremony and reception is over, when the bride and groom walks out the door, it is all up to them to make the relationship work, for better or worse, through sickness and health, until death do you part, it is up to the one who are no longer two to make it work..and when that doesn't happen, we have to take a look at ourselves and find out why. So give the book a try, it also talks about being satisfied with yourself and loving yourself, because no matter if you are married or single, have sex or don't have sex, have kids or don't have kids, you have to be happy with you from inside out. I recommend this book for your family and friends and even if you have some young teenagers in your life, who we would like to stay single, sexless and childless until they get married; however, we know that isn't happening, but we can plant the seeds in the lives of our youth... take care, God is love and loving is what God wants us to do, but even he realizes that sometimes we will face the rain and if we don't faint, the sunshine will soon show its face again. Also if you like poetry from the soul, the same above author wrote another book, "A Sip of Poetry for Coffee Lovers & Drinkers Alike" - the author is a Christian and she is an awesome writer, that is her ministry. Another resource is and you could send questions at - ask advice about anything or share your thoughts. This has been a great resource for me. Take care again.

hmm, it sounds to me that it's a combination of things. First, you rushed into the marriage right? so you probably didn't get the time to get to know one another properly, and once you got to know him you eventially got to see that he has anger problems, and he is sometimes verably abusive to you! and I don't mean to offend but he sounds a little immature. So it's understandable that you are unable to be turned on by him, especially if he's doing emotional damage. I know if I feel upset or hurt over something, I loose my sex drive.<br />
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I think that it is awesome you have faith and believe strongly in God. But, if you are not truely happy then why stay in the marriage? there are ways to try and spice up the sex life,(ex: brows the local sex shop) but if you are turned off by his personality, then what can you do to fix that. You can't force yourself to love or be turned on by him; If it's not there, then it's just not there. you know? I guess you could try to communicate to him about how you really feel, I'd like to think that the person most of us chose to marry is someone who you can open up to and not be afraid of that person twisting your words around or making you feel worse then you already do. :(<br />
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Maybe you need to really ask yourself if you are truely happy and if this is what you want out of life. You only get one Life and it is too short to be misserable with all that extra stress.<br />
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I hope I helped out somewhat. I wish you the best of luck

You need to contact your minister or someone in your church, if you can't afford any other counseling. But I don't think you should commit to staying in this marriage for the rest of your life if nothing changes. This isn't what marriage was supposed to be. Even Christians get divorced.

You need to contact your minister or someone in your church, if you can't afford any other counseling. But I don't think you should commit to staying in this marriage for the rest of your life if nothing changes. This isn't what marriage was supposed to be. Even Christians get divorced.

wow, thats a sad story. when i was younger a older guy told me that he would never buy a car withouth test driving it first. I didnt understand at that time why he would say that, but after reading your story that reasoning behind it is very clear. I sorry you didnt test drive your husband first. It seems that you are unhappy in more ways than one, i would honestly take another look at your marriage and see if you want to be in it. There is no sex, he is unemployed, and your not the least bit interested. you said that he never take resposiblility for his actions, so i wouldn't recomend you trying to talk things out with him. Good luck with the choices you make, pray to god for enlightenment!

My heart goes out to you but you definitely need more counseling. For the abuse issues as well as your marriage problems. You husband needs counseling too. Seperate from the marriage counseling. If your husband believes in god as you say, then he should turn to him for help in getting a job and being a love husband and father. God would not put you in a loveless marriage. He does not punish. Have faith! There have been times when I thought my life could not get any worse, but I prayed and I kept my faith. My life is good. I think its very probable your earlier promiscuity was a result of the sexual abuse. I believe there is counseling available for those who do not have the money to pay for it. Talking about it is also a big help. Can you talk to your husband about all your feelings? Is he physically abusive? I have a friend who lost her attraction to her husband early on in their marriage. They are now divorced. She had met someone else who was exciting to her though which in turn left her unattracted to her husband. Do you have someone else you are attracted to at this time? If you dont believe in divorce, you will have to get help. Some people simply realize they are not meant to be together... I feel if you really love someone, you are attracted to them. No matter what. There are times when Im not attracted to my husband.... but it passes and there are times when I cant keep my hands off of him. He is loving, and works hard and helps me with my baby son and doesnt seem to mind that Ive gained 20 lbs.... A husband should be a support system for you when you are going through or have gone through something negative. please talk to someone. for yourself and for your family...

I would like to make a suggestion. Get yourself a nice big mirror and look into it real hard, once you have done that, see if you can be honest withyourself. Kind of a novel idea and all, I know. Once you have mastered being honest with yourself, why not do the "Christian" thing, and be honest with your husband. Have you been honest and told him how you feel? Anger, not a big surprise here. He just sits there silently enduring the pain until his self-confidence withers away. Would make most of us angry. <br />
Why not do all of us and yourself a favor and cut all the lame excuses. Many of us are masters of creating smoke screens loaded with excuses to cover our real motivation. Lets just tell it like it is, you really don't want to be married to this guy any more, the love faded. But it is not the Christian thing to do to leave him. Deny him sex long enough he will leave you or have an affair, either way you are off the hook. Nice plan.<br />
While we are at it, cut the no money and hungry bit as well. Every church I know will help you out with food if it's truely a need. <br />
So grow up and be honest for a change it does'nt take money or counseling!<br />
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P.S. I am currently living in a rural community, unemployed for two months now supporting a wife and three teenagers!

If you TRULY believe in God, knowing his word, and if you have asked for forgiveness from God then you know you have it...please don't drag him into this.

it's simple, you married a nice guy, and now your paying for it. nice guys give you whatever money they can make, and bad boys give you multiple *******, so, the only question is.....which is the lesser evil?

My wife and I married six years ago. We had a short period of dating then marriage. We didn't have sex on our wedding night because she was afraid. Finally after three months, we were able to have intercourse. Ever since then, she acts like she would rather have her teeth pulled than to have intercourse. When we are together, she looks bored and in a hurry to finish. Not only is it in the bedroom, even the simplest of acts, a kiss, holding hands, appears to be a chore for her. I also have been sleeping on the couch for the past year. I know she loves me but at time I feel as if she married me because she was lonely at the time and all of her friends were getting married. We just had a child and now I feel totally isolated. Her mother is staying with us and they will speak for hours in their own native language and completely leave me out of the conversation. I love my wife but now I really am beginning to have doubts our marriage will last. I really do not want to be a statistic. I just wish she would show some passion toward me.

This is a toughide under the best of situations. However there are many Christian Pastors who are qualified to do this type of counseling or reccomend someone for you to go to. <br />
It is possible to get free therapy, counseling.<br />
Good Luck,<br />

Butterli, please accept my sympathies. First understand you are bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:20), the blood of Jesus. Therefore, you are precious to God. No matter what you have done in the past, IT IS THE PAST. God has forgiven you and will NOT ever remind you of your past. He will not even let Himself remember it. All He sees now is a precious daughter or son covered by the blood of the Lamb. Also go to your church or even a bigger church in your area, ask your pastor about professional christian counseling. There are many in our area that will provide personal, family and marriage counseling at no cost if you can not afford it. I am sure someone in your church can help you. I know the churchs around Dallas here have many of these services available to people who are experiencing financial difficulties. Keep your chin up God has a plan for you and he loves you very much.<br />
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God bless you and yours

I always thought that because in my younger days I fell head over heels in love with someone passionately and put that person before God that perhaps God was now making sure that it would never happen again. At the time I was a young adult, maybe emotionally addicted to the man who took advantage of me and forced me into sexual relationships. We got engaged after 2 1/2 years then he left me and I was devastated, and after another subsequent date rape shortly thereafter I tailspinned ut of control into sexual hedonism, putting cvomfort before God and rebelling for 6 years-which is how I got the HSV-although it was another rape. It took about 10-12 years before I could fall in love again.<br />
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One thing about unresolved sexual abuse as a child is that it sets you up to be abused again. I'm glad I worked past the acting behaviors now.<br />
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But maybe after I prove my heart and faithfulness to God to sacrifice this area to him, he will reward me later on with a fullfilled and satisfying marriage. I kind of believe that.<br />
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We go to a very small church and I reguarly call up my associate pastor for counseling and prayer. We go to food banks too.<br />
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Concerning the verbal abuse and anger control problems-its mainly between my daughter and him. My daughter usually starts it but my husband can act like an 11-year-old, too.<br />
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What he does is provoke, curse, slander, etc.<br />
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I seek counseling about that with my pastor as to what is an acceptable amount to take before i leave or call the cops, etc. He usually prays-plus I call a few others who pray and the problem goes away for awhile.

Thanks for all the comments again. We do have quite a many resources. God's blessed us with a loving church who regualrly supports us, helps us with bills occaisonally etc, loving friends who have connections to food banks, etc, and doting family members. Plus all the emotional support we need from our church and friends and some counselign from the church-although not on a professional level. Concerning the government aid. My income exceeds my ability to get aid or help, but yet its not quite enough for the bills.<br />
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God does take quite good care of us so I trust him. Its not too hard to eat one meal a day. Its enough to survive. God gives us treats every oncve in awhile. Also, he's made it very clear to us that this is only a temporary state. we'll be prosperous some day.

Wow thats a powerful story! It sounds like your financial situation is probably your first priority. If I were starving I'm not sure I'd be thinking about sex. Are you sure that you are not eligible for some kind of assistance from the state or county? Maybe when things are in a more stable light sex will be more palable. I wish you luck but you have faith so you are already ahead!

I feel for you... I really do. It's a good start to put your faith in God, (I know I do), but God helps those who help themselves. Remember that. This group is so great and you'll make a lot of friends here... I'll keep you in my prayers.

HiddenButterfly--<br />
I am Catholic (by upbringing and personal faith) but I don't dedicate enough of my time, energy, and thoughts to my religion. I really respect and admire your faith, and would suggest maybe following up with the pastor, reverend, or person at your church who could serve as a pseudo counselor for you and your husband while you are strapped for cash. Also, are there any connections through your church for employment opportunities? since its such a big part of your life i think maybe the church would be a good place to start in terms of resources of support and possible leads for a job.<br />
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Thinking of you.....

Well, he did give us a break from the rice and vergetables yesterday. I went to an inservice at work and they gave away all the leftovers which was enough to feed a whole family plus a little bit more. It was chicken, potatoes, veggies, and even scrumptious dessert. Today we eat at the church, and I have a family member sending $20. I've learned that sometimes the flesh hurts and goes without desires, but God always provides whats truly essential.

Don't want to sound cynical but, if you'r hungry God need to act fast! I am a practicing Christian but I admire your faith to believe so strongly, hope he dont dissappoint.

Oh, I forgot to say something. I've talked to hubby about the job thing countless of times. He knows exactly how i feel about it. I've offered this up for prayer as well. <br />
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Also we've had marital counseling before on a sliding scale until his lack of fiancial stability caused us to move into another city so we had to stop. The ones that see you on a sliding scale ot less trained-fresh out of grad school-and she wasn't able to help us too much. She was too inexperienced. We need a marriage counselor who is expereinced and can cut through some of the verbal games and twisting my husband does, as well as be able to be more confrontational about the responsibility factor. <br />
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I've opened up about a few of the problems to my pastor at church and a few people I trust (I haven't gone into the sex issues). This has really helped me share the burden and feel love and supported through my shame and troubles. They give me good counsel and are praying for me. They've also talked to my hubby about the job thing. I know God will deliver me eventually one ay or another.

In response to some of the comments-we plan to pursue counseling once we can afford it. We can't even afford the sliding scale right now. I've been living off of rice and vegetables one time a day for days now. We have bread and peanut butter and jelly but I've been saving it for them, as food is stetched thin.<br />
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As crazy as this seems I believe God could turn things around. Maybe I could give up good sex and settle for sex that gives us both release and some pleasure. We used to have that before at least.<br />
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Once the marriage problems, the financial problems, and the anger control problems get better, I'm sure I will feel closer to him again and maybe desire intimacy. I pray to God daily to help me love my husband and forgive him.<br />
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I know God has promised me a better life down the road if I can endure these hard times.<br />
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I contemplated divorce, but I really beleive in committment and would only do it for the anger control problems and with my church's blessing, not over sexual issues. Most of my sexuality has dried up anyway, and I'm not thinking of it very often. I still do get periodic sex urges, but it goes away. I used to be sex obsessed a few years back so it is a nice refreshing change in some ways.<br />
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I just want to focus on God and do exactly what he tells me, then I believe he will ake care of me-even if my flesh is dying. the hard part is that God can't force someone to change, but I kow my prayers are powerful and count for alot.<br />
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Thanks for your comments and supprt everyone.

Welcome to the group & you have been very open & honest re your personal life The lack of satisfying sex in marriage is what attracted us to Forum & the support we have found here will be forthcoming for you as well.<br />
I am not aufait with HSV virus but it sounds like it has a debilitating on your life & lack of cash dosen't help the situation none. In Ireland there is a saying & it goes like this "when poverty comes in the window love flies out the door". It is hard to concentrate on the most pleasurable thing in life when you are constantly struggling to put bread on the table.<br />
For what its worth my suggestion is to talk with your husband re his work ethic & commitment to supporting your marriage & improve that side of your life. perhaps that will go some way to turning around what is not a very fertile foundation for healthy sex. Peace be with you

Perhaps you should contact a Christian counslor for both of you, I know some will see you on a sliding scale fee and often for no charge.