Why Does It Have to Be This Way?

I look deep within myself and ask the question 'Will it always be this way?'  Then I think about the times I have tried to talk to my husband about our sexless marriage and why it is this way.  I think about the times I have tried to initiate a love making episode into our evening and get pushed away. 

I don't know what it is or why it is, I just KNOW it is... and nothing I seem to do or say changes anything.  My soul is dying... my strength is diminishing... and my spirit is gone...

I don't know if he's honestly trying to push me out of his life, or if he is even aware that he is.  I only know that this man, who I share my life with, is not in my heart anymore.  I think about  him only in the context of how I can escape him.  How I can eliminate the last 7 years of my life with him... but that would mean eliminating my littlest one... how can I do that???  I can't!  But I need out.  I need to be happy... I want my soul, my strength, and my spirit back.  Is that even possible?

I remember one evening when I tried to initiate sex, thinking that maybe if I went down on him it would arouse him to the point of just 'taking' me... right there - no questions asked - no limitations - no fears...  I didn't even get all the way down and he pushed me away.  I cannot tell you how devestating that was to my female ego... doesn't he find me attractive any more?  I can honestly say that I cried myself to sleep that night.  Now I'm to the point that I don't even care.

I have stopped trying to make love to my husband because it gets me nowhere.  All he talks about is him.  I remember my first counselling session - and the doctor asked him a question about my mental state - and I nearly jumped out of the 8th floor window!  He talked about HIM!!!  HIS stress, HIS work, HIS feelings... I couldn't believe it!!!  There I was - a broken person, crying uncontrollably, and he talks about HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM HIM!!  It never ends!

I cry a lot - and when I do, he ignores it.  There is no comforting - no hugs - no 'honey, what's wrong?', nothing...  He just continues doing what he is doing.  My sister-in-law said that maybe it has to do with his upbringing.  I don't dig that because my upbringing was more intense than his and I have been able to come out of that with a loving, caring attitude towards him...  You see, I am a grown woman, I have, over the years, learned right from wrong, good from bad... and it seems that he hasn't had these lessons yet.  I don't know how to teach him these things.  He is a grown man - and should be able to decifer the difference between each of these things.  Am I dreaming???  I am a sexual being... God MADE me that way!  He is not - and I should have seen this from the beginning as he was not very sexual from the start of our relationship.  Stupid stupid me...

Life in the fast lane is not where I want to be - and I feel like I'm in the fast lane to HELL... how on earth could he do this to me?  Don't I give HIM pleasure too?  Don't I make HIM feel good?  Isn't it all about HIM anyway???  I must not because if you enjoy something, doesn't it make sense to want to feel that enjoyment all the time?  I mean, it's not like I want to make love every single night - but once a week would be great.... instead of once or twice a year. 

I do my best to contribute financially to my family and have had some really well paying jobs in the past.  I do ok - but am out of work right now and that plays on my head too.  I try my best to contribute emotionally to my family - only my children appreciate my heart.  I give all I have to my family - and he doesn't see it.  I have to learn to keep my eye on the prize - whatever the prize is, I'm not sure.  I am hoping that it's not to be destined to stay in a marriage where I'm not loved, or wanted. 

I see this group growing by the day and it makes me think - no wonder there is so much depression and suicide in the outside world.  It is a growing concern... and I've been there... a lot.  I just keep thanking God for sites like this - with people who don't judge and belittle - with people who can really understand me - and be my friends for WHO I AM....

 

Cheleanne Cheleanne
66-70, F
52 Responses Jul 25, 2007

You have moved me deeply. I have been suffering in a sexless marriage too but your words express the hurt and rage I feel when my wife ignores my pleadings for sex . to think that I am down to pleading and cajoling for sex from my wife ! I'vee never had to ask a women for sex until I married my wife. I feel about one inch tall when she rejects me. I'm desperately depressed.I dont't know If I can overcome the resentment I feel about my wifes selfishness. In the end I'm afraid I'll be compelled to cheat and it most certainly will mean the end of my marriage.

De ja vu.

It's a sad and familiar story to me. But when I stopped asking "Why does he do this to me?" and started asking "Why do I let him do this to me?" That was the beginning of me taking responsibility for my own life.

Thank-you Bell... that is inspiring... and your prayers are ALWAYS welcome in my world.. :-)

Thank-you so much enna....your comment means a lot to me and it's so good to know that I'm not the only one worried about hurting someone who has brought unhappiness into my life...

Well done!! I empathise with you so much on the issue of hurting your husband. I feel exactly the same way. I am now just one day short of 6 weeks after leaving and my biggest distress is the sadness I have brought to him.<br />
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Others have pointed out, and correctly, that he chose the path that resulted in this separation. This is true but it is little comfort when you know you are hurting someone you still care for deeply.<br />
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My only comfort in this is that I know my deprssed state (angry, frustrated, unhappy) was impacting on him while I was living with him. At least he is spared that now.<br />
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We are definitely doing ourr best to remain close and loving friends - in fact it is pretty much as it was previously except we are living apart!!<br />
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Please know you have my sincere and understanding support as you move forward. Happiness is within your grasp.

Well done!! I empathise with you so much on the issue of hurting your husband. I feel exactly the same way. I am now just one day short of 6 weeks after leaving and my biggest distress is the sadness I have brought to him.<br />
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Others have pointed out, and correctly, that he chose the path that resulted in this separation. This is true but it is little comfort when you know you are hurting someone you still care for deeply.<br />
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My only comfort in this is that I know my deprssed state (angry, frustrated, unhappy) was impacting on him while I was living with him. At least he is spared that now.<br />
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We are definitely doing ourr best to remain close and loving friends - in fact it is pretty much as it was previously except we are living apart!!<br />
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Please know you have my sincere and understanding support as you move forward. Happiness is within your grasp.

You know enna, you are so right. I never really saw it that way until you ponted it out. But yes, I have gone through the grief. And I've mourned the loss of my marriage. <br />
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In thinking back on those emotions, my future is brighter now because I have endured! There may not be a marriage in my home, but I am much stronger for having gone through it. And I'm still alive!<br />
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It is becoming the time to move forward and I am hoping that I can. The guilt I will feel by leaving my husband alone will be hard for me to get through. I'm worried about hurting him. Even though there isn't any love there anymore, I do care about him as a person. <br />
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He does have his good points... it just wasn't enough... and I want to be able to separate as friends... after all, we have children to consider in this situation... so, moving forward, I am going to plan and move slow but sure towards my future!

When you started this post you were feeling desperate about the situation. Now, almost 2 years later, you say:<BR><BR>" we just had our anniversary at the end of March - our 7th... and neither one of us remembered - or cared.... maybe a bit of both?....."<BR><BR>I think this is significant. You have moved through the stages of grief that accopmpany the "death" of a loving relationship to the point where it no longer seems worth fighting for.<BR><BR>Please give some serious thought to what this means for your future.

I wish we could Sam, but you see, it is him who spends the money - <br />
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When I met him, I had $3000.00 CASH saved in an envelope in my house. He 'borrowed' it.... and I never saw it again. After we married, I figure he felt he didn't need to pay it back.<br />
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I could live on very little... me and my girls... but it's him who has to run to the hardware store, or wal mart every day to see what deals he can get.... <br />
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You are right though - there is a TON of stress in our home. My girls feel it, I feel it, and I'm sure he does too. But he's not willing to work on the problems. <br />
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I have talked to him so many times and asked him to help me fix this and he has no interest.... so, really, I'm a little bit lost here.....

Thank-you Bellove.... You are very lucky indeed... I wish that I could be as lucky as you, but I know if I were to hand in the keys, and start the car, he would just sit and watch me drive away from the living room window... <br />
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Hard to understand isn't it? He obviously felt something enough to marry me 7 years ago! In fact, now that I'm thinking about it, we just had our anniversary at the end of March - our 7th... and neither one of us remembered - or cared.... maybe a bit of both?.....

It's not a personal thing Baron. It's all part and parcel of a marriage! That is what married people are supposed to do! There is even a verse in the Bible that says that... it is:<br />
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1 Corinthians 7:2-7 (New International Version)<br />
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2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. <br />
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3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. <br />
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4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. <br />
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5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. <br />
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6I say this as a concession, not as a command. <br />
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7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.<br />
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So, you see, it's not a matter of defining oneself. It's a matter of having a COMPLETE marriage. That's something that most of us on EP don't have. And it truly does, after a while, make you feel worthless, unattractive, and unwanted.... anyone care to differ?

after reading many of these types of letters, it makes me wonder. I have been on the ****** end of that situation, where my partner pulled away at every advance. Though now in my current situation I am the one who pulls away. I care about my partner very much, the domestic and personal aspects of our life are harmonious, though when it comes to the sex I just shut off. It kills me to do this, but the desire isn't there. It is hard on both sides of the coin. i think that at the end of the day, we must all love ourselves and stop expecting anyone to fill the voids. Define yourself outside of the context of the relationship, and stop taking it all so personally.

thanks gunshy. I agree with you whole heartedly... however, I was given an ultimatum last night...either he goes or the kids and I go... I'm not what will happen today, but everyone, please pray for my children? They could really use it right now....thanks.

Sex is a natural and wonderfual thing. It brings husband and wife together. A sexless marriage is no where to be. Perhaps he is gay or he has a mistress. No one I know intentionally eliminates sex from their lives.

Thanks Elle.. you are a true inspiration!

You are so right RoseFlower. My husband though is just a pr*ck.... when it comes to sex. He sleeps on the couch and I sleep in the bed... it's very lonely. But that's ok, cause I am planning on leaving.... with my 2 girls... and then he'll know what he is missing.

I so hear you. I am in the same situation but I told him and his 2 teenage children to leave my home. I was not going to live with a loveless man. He takes no fault in the situation. We are still seeing each other but I want to end it because he is not taking care of me emotionally. He wants be to go to his house and cook for him and sit and watch him watch TV. All he does is talk about himself and does listen to anything I have to say. I am 45, he is 40, I have two boys 16 and 23 but they are both on their own. He has a 15 year old gir and a 16 year old boy. He calls his girl his queen - i had to remind him she was his princess not his queen. I work, he stays home due to a back injury, he has gotten lazy - doesn't want to do anything anymore. I'm giving up and moving on to find me some passion and hope that I do find someone with more interests. He has a motorcycle and that was fun to do - go on runs, but now that he is living alone, he can't afford it. The sex situation is still the same. I try but all he does is lie there. It's annoying because I want him to touch me too but no. He blames it on his medication and I understand but the lack of touching and kissing and holding each other cannot be blamed on the medication.

It can be very-very bad to be in a situation like this. I don't share this thing but I am in a situation that is maybe similar: I think that my husband doesn't want a baby. He keeps saying it but I just don't feel it. It's very bad to live in a marriage where you feel that anyhow the person you live with doesn't understand you... :-(

I really feel for you in all of this and reading the responses realized that both male and female deal with this. I have been married 38 years and my wife and I have a good marriage in manyways. But there is just no intimacy. This does not mean just sex, although that is very rare, but just sharing intimate things. I think that she sometimes thinks that I am too much of a romantic. I enjoy sharing my deep feelings. She tends to live on the surface. A good marriage to her is someone who brings home a paycheck and is a good friend. <br />
I struggled with this for years and fianlly met someone online whom I became close to. I know it is not right but we became long distance lovers. We met probably 5 times before anything happened but 2 years ago we spent a night together and it has been wonderful. Again, I know it is not the right solution but it is what I chose. She is in the same kind of situation - a sexless marriage. It is tough being far apart and not seeing each other but maybe once every 2-3 months but I have discovered that I still can be passionate and sex is still fun. It is not obligatory or mundane.

You are too funny Gren & Elle... yes I DO pick up his underwear - AND his coffee cups that are left strewn all over the house...and anything else he decides is my duty to clean... I just wish I could afford a housekeeper, although, I don't know if I would want them picking up his underwear either! LOL<br />
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I would throw his underwear away too, but we don't have a lot of money and that would just be such a waste! Ha.. waste - waist - get it?? LOL<br />
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Oh ok, that was my BAAAAD humor for the day... LOL<br />
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Hope you guys/gals are all feeling better today.... I know I'm not... same old, same old.... shame on me!

Argh. I obviously spend too much time engineering software. c/ware/wear/.

It's such an odd mix of emotions I feel reading these exchanges. It reinforces my belief that people are basically good and caring. The existential absurdity of our situations one second, the next, throwing away someone's underware as an act of sedition. It's too cool, really.

L452, I didn't marry him for sex, but that is a part of marriage isn't it? I mean aren't we taught that PREMARITAL SEX is tabooo??? I don't know about this day and age, but MY children will be raised that way... but honestly, if you can't have it BEFORE marriage, then why bother getting married if you don't get it AFTER the vows??? That just doesn't make sense... The other thing for me is that making love with my husband is a passionate way to share unity... That is what relationships are all about - uniting as one... becoming one.... sharing and believing in love as one... that's not to say you lose your own identity - but when it comes to getting closer to a person, a good love making session is one of the BEST ways I know how....<br />
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Elle, you are right - I did't marry to be a room mate either... sheesh! I could've gotten a better room mate than I have now with my husband! At least a room mate would be responsible for picking up after themselves!!!

Unfortunately, I am the partner that is not always excited about sex. It is great when it does happen but not something I just need to have all the time. I have some reasons why. At one point, my bf wanted to be more creative in bed. It was a total turn-off for me and I did not trust him for the longest time. Also, I don't like marathon sessions. Sometimes I'll be done way before he is. Lastly, the sparks are not there anymore. It's love but not passionate love. I guess that happened because when I realized that we're just two different people. I had hoped to get him to make some changes but he doesn't want to. I think he's in denial about our relationship also. It is obvious that the romance is gone, but neither one of us has the courage to make the move. So do you still love him or do you just want sex?

Thanks Elle... I so appreciate the prayers.... from everyone! You guys/gals are truly the BEST on the planet!!!! Love you all!

Hey Lonely! How the heck are ya? They decided to postpone the job until Sept as they are skeleton staffed until then (holidays etc.) so he wants to keep my resume - and d me I could call him in Sept. I still am in the running!!! God, please say a prayer for me.... everyone??? I need it... I want to be working when the girls go back to school.....<br />
And Lonely, thanks for remembering and asking... you are so kind..... :-)

Zalareyn, I completely understand... and I'm sorry you had to join this group - some days I feel like such a loser... especially when I try and he pushes me away... it just doesn't seem right...

Thanks Lonely and Drifter... I am still waiting to hear on the job.... still thinking positive though!!!!

cheleanne, good luck with the job -- I'll think good thoughts for you!

Drifter, you are right - and I will get out more... now I just have to figure out where to start. My town is very small and there really isn't anything here for me. I tried the 'PTA', which we call school council here. That didn't work - boring..... I have to tell you that I am looking for a job - had an interview yesterday - say a little prayer for me ok?? I should know today. Maybe if I get working again, things will happen - friendships from the workplace ?? I would like to get my girls into something - maybe dance class - and tried once but the day the class was to start, they cancelled it because the instructor got sick... well, that left that out. I will look into things to do in the next town, much bigger place - maybe lucky there...? The problem I have with the town I live, is that everyone here is a hypocrite. They backstab and gossip (small town life) so I don't have much to do with anyone here. It would be nice to move - and although my house is worth a small fortune, to sell and buy again, I would have to put out another fortune. Something I just don't have.<br />
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Anyway, I'm off topic here - sorry - I just wanted to tell you that you are right - and I will get out more. Even to just go for a walk once or twice a day...<br />
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JL, you are so right - and I feel so bad for you and everyone else in this group. Who are our spouses anyway? Who do they think they are that they can dictate our life?? That's what they are doing you know.... <br />
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Hey, you know something, if my husband was more attentive to me, I would NEVER have come to this site and met you guys and gals... at least he gave me this.... but still, if he was more attentive, my life would be good. All I ever needed was him....

Cheleanne: OK, here goes. I don't know what sort of community you live in, but here are some places where you can meet people.<br />
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Are your kids in school? If so {and I know it sounds corny} go to the PTA. You will meet people who something in common with you-- school-age kids.<br />
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Do volunteer work somewhere -- church, school, food bank, hospital, library. My sister used to volunteer at the local humane society.<br />
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Libraries, YMCAs and Park departments have gobs of programs and events, many of them free -- at least where I live. Find one that interests you and go. <br />
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Just get out of the house once in a while. It will do you good. Honest.

Thanks Drifter... I do know what you mean... I do need to get out more. The problem is, I have noone to do anything with... it's just me... and that can get boring - I would love to take dancing lessons - but the studios are downtown (hour + away) and I don't drive in the city.... I live in a very small town where there is really nothing to do - so if you have any suggestions as to where I might meet new people and make new friends, I'm all ears...

Cheleanne, please, please, get out there in the world so you can interact with others. You have many friends here, and we're always glad to see you, but people need person-to-person, face-to-face relationships with others. To isolate yourself, I can tell you from personal experience, just makes matters worse. A big ol' hug and best wishes to you...

Oh yes, I forgot - Elle - you are right -he IS a weenie!!! <br />
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Horny60, I feel for you my friend... I'm so sorry.... I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL... (if that's any consolation)

Thanks to all of you for you empathy.. My heart goes out to each and every one of you! I read your comments and you are right! I DO NEED to do something for ME! <br />
It's not that I WANT sex with my husband, it's just that I want a good marriage - and I believe a good marriage involves sex - or making love as I like to say. <br />
I AM trying to make changes for the better - for myself - I would love to take salsa - (I watch 'So You Think You Can Dance EVERY Wed/Thurs night - FAITHFULLY) I love that show!!!! I asked my husband if he would take dance lessons with me - what do you suppose his answer was???? You guessed it - NOPE!<br />
Loneymom, you asked if there was anything positive in my marriage - hell, we don't even talk anymore. I have tried to talk to him about things - he just raises his voice when he doesn't agree with me... EXAMPLE: We have an acreage (3.26 acres) that we have listed for sale. If all goes well, we can pay off our mortgage on our house... HE wants to invest the hundred thousand in blue chip... I WANT TO PAY OFF THE MORTGAGE... which would YOU do? He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to invest the money and MAKE money - I don't understand why he wouldn't want to secure our future by being mortgage free!!! ****, isn't that a goal for most? To be mortgage free would mean that we don't have to work as hard or as long - we would definately have something for our children - and we might, JUST MIGHT, relieve financial stress.... <br />
As for friends, I don't have any - only here on this site... sad isn't it? I guess that is why I come here everyday - to say hi, share my feelings and see how others are doing.... <br />
You all are the best... and again I thank you for your comments, and advice... I definately have food for thought here.....

We are a sad lot....I begged & was rejected 1 hour ago...imagine how I feel right now......but looking forward.....EllaMeza's coffee...just occured to me a good name for that Coffee house...Blue Side of Lonesome!!!!! better to laugh than cry!

Lilly - you may have a point there - ok boys and girls, we are going to have to get together and mate like we've never mated before - if this really is true Lilly, then the population will start to deteriorate quickly - and if all of us 150+ members of this group are all that's left that WANT SEX , sheesh - we better get to work quickly!!! (is there any more of that turkey baster stock left????!!!!).... LOL

Thanks Silver... means a lot to me! It's great to have sites like this to vent and let it out...

hey cheleanne, I am so sorry for the way he treats, no one deserves that, ever. The way that he rejects you is just rediculous. He doesn't deserve you. I hate to say, if it were me, I would have left him a long time ago and never looked back. I wish you enough, cheleanne, enough of everything, including love and respect.

Sounds like a wonderful plan benched!!! Maybe we can all get together and make couples out of us all!!! Gee, let's see - we're all sex starved... this could be fun!! *wink*<br />
LOL

Cheleanne- I just figured it out! You may not realize it, but your husband is actually dead!! He must be. No real live living breathing man would ever treat you that way. Send us invites and all of your friends here will join you at the funeral. I'm sure we all look pretty good in black. We can all go out for one of EllaMeza's coffee's afterwards.

Kat... we really are two peas in a pod......

You sure like that word don'tcha horny???? LOL It is sad though... I don't normally even like going down... but just thought I would make a stronger effort to entice him to want me again....

So sad! but typical of e/one here! s/thing seriously wrong that stops woman going down on him! one word begins with W & ends with R

Well written - I feel a lot the same, with the same experiences - even the tears in bed.

Thanks for the good wishes Benched. That means a lot when people can feel what is in your heart...

Thanks Sasxiv - it's sad but comforting to know that men feel this way too...

Cheleanne - It is amazing how many stories are so similar. I wish you strength to be able to cope with your situation and luck in being able to resolve it and find the love that you deserve.

Well written - I feel a lot the same, with the same experiences - even the tears in bed.

Thanks for the comment Luci... you're right though - it IS his doing - again - it's all about HIM.... *smile*

I dont know what to say about his emotional side of ignoring you. His sexual side however could very well be linked to his stress, exhaustion etc... but if he wont let you in and help him then it is his own doings.