Lonely Life

My wife and I have been married for 13 years now and have 3 kids. From 4-12, we love each other very much. We are there for each other if there are any major issues. Just day to day stuff we can not communicate. This has caused us to end up in a sexless marriage. We have had sex maybe 5 times in the last 3 years. Not since before Chirstmas  have we been intimate. We have tried individual counseling and marriage counseling. She had WLS surgery about 2 years ago. She had some major complications following surgery requiring me to take care of her wounds for months. I never had an issue with this, and gladly took care of her. She stays home and does an excellent job with the kids and home and I work to pay the bills. I am in Telecom and have survived 9 different layofs over the last 7 years of turmoil in the telecoom industry. Part of this is because I am good at what I do but I also am willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. My wife sometimes appreciates this, sometimes she resents it. We have issues now that make her not physically attracted to me and no sex drive. I am overweight but I am a big guy I am 6.1 and weigh 320lbs but you would think I weigh around 250. Just the way my body is built. I am vers strong and physically active with our 3 boys. I Coach Soccer Spring and Fall, 2 basketball teams, I work with special needs kids for bowling and Baseball in the summer, and I am a Webelos Den Leader. My wife thinks my weight is the issue because I could be more active with our kids if I lost more weight. I am not sure how much more active I would be after working 10-12 hours each day and then extra curricular activities 2-3 nights a week for 1-2 hours then Saturdays sometimes 3 hours of games coaching and refereeing, as well as Scout outings and camping trips.

This has all come because she keeps telling me certain things turn her off. My wife is very intraverted and does not make friends easily. I am very outgoing and enjoy being around people. She told me before the issue was because I dipped snuff and that grossed her out. Then it was I was too outgoing and it made her uncomfortable. Now she says the only thing is my weight, she had been lying to me all these years. She says it is not an attraction thing she thinks I am handsome she is worried I will die young. So we do not have any physical intamcy because of this. I have been trying to get over this lie issue but it does bother me that maybe she is not telling the truth now. Maybe there is something else, I am to tall my hair does not look right (what little I have ) whatever. I think I am very active and I enjoy my time with my kids. During this whole time she is very angry with me she snaps at me over anything. If she forgets something or if I forget something she just gets angry and snaps at me. She always said it is better for her to take out her frustrations on me than the kids. On a couple of occasions she has gotten physical with me and hit me (more than 3 years ago) each time she hit me I would tell her not to do it again. I let her know there was a huge line there and physical hitting will not be tolerated. This is when her anger started growing. About 4 months ago she started being snappy with the kids about things that 12 yr olds and 7 and 4 yr olds do. Like forget to put a trash bag in the trash receptacle. Not abuse but more anger than I ever saw her do with the kids. I told her about 2 months ago she needed to look at this and she has since gone to her doctor and gotten on stronger anti-depressents and Zanex. This has caused her to get better with the kids but it is picking back up the anger with me again. I am afraid she will escalate it again and hit me. My issue is not with her hitting me she could never really hurt me by her hands. I am just worried she will do it when the kids are around, that is a strong message sent to kids. They are boys as well, I think they should never see any spouse hit another. This way they know that is always wrong. I am not sure what do now since we are not physical, I am losing my total attraction to her. I feel like a paycheck and a babysitter from her. I do not feel like a babysitter because these are my kids and I am priviledged to spend any time I have with them. I just get that feeling from her like yeah nice your here but I am the grown up I will make the decisions you just carry them out. This is not how I want to live. I enjoy having friends and enjoy doing things with my boys but not with my wife because she is always worried and angry about something. She has always kind of been like this. She always waits for the other shoe to drop. Whenever things are going good she is waiting for something bad to happen. Well our life for the last 13 years has been nothing but good except for her surgery complications but even that had a good out come. Now I want her to wake up and realize we have a good life stop worrying all the time. She always worries but nothing bad ever happens. I am getting to the point were I am not attracted to her and I do not care if we ever get back to the way it was. I love her but she is just a roommate now not my wife.  I have a very healthy sex drive I could have sex every day. While I just need to accept that she has no sex drive and she could just have it once or twice a year. I now find myself being attracted to other women. Before I always thought women were pretty or whatever but nothing ever really crossed my mind like I would like to be intimate with her. I notice nowadays that is no longer the case. I have friends that are women but none I could talk to about this. I  am hoping to get some comments from a women's perspective as well as any men in this type of situation. Something to help me better to understand what I am going through.

Thank you for reading and I hope I did not ramble to bad or spell anything incorrectly.

fredngrady fredngrady
36-40, M
7 Responses Jul 29, 2007

I was in a very similar situation like you, after talking to my husband and telling him how i felt, i asked him to set me free. I explaiend i was so unhappy. I couldn't live in a marriege with out that incredible intimacy that you need in order to be a couple rather than room mates. My husband moved into the spare room and we are now getting along better because the pressure to work things out is gone. He seems relieved in a way, the tension is gone.The anger has disolved, we stilll hang out with the kids, i stiil cook sunday dinners and do his laundry, he is still a good father, i am content with dating and having a connection outside the marriage, i get to feel touch and kisses again, somebody wanting me sexually and telling me how great my kisses are and hugs and holding hands. My husband does not ask, he understands that he has issues that he will never resolve, when our girls are old enough maybe we will get a real divorce, or maybe we will stay like this forever. for the last 3 years it has been a much better life, , i had to take that step and say, i need this, if you dont think you can provide it, please tell me, i do not want to go on like this for another 10 years.

Hello... I think that the situation you describe with your wife is probably how my husband feels about me. I used to try and talk to him about things, but he did not want to hear... eventually I gave up and things went from bad to worse. Recently, I tried again to talk to him about our marriage, but again, he did not want to listen. Your wife sounds like me... I am cranky all the time. I worry about things a lot - especially that something will happen to one of the children. I am totally disinterested in sex - worse, I am totally adverse to the entire idea. I too have had surgery. My husband thinks the reason that I hate sex is because his "performace" is sub standard. He wants sex everyday and complains many times a day that I don't let him touch me. The reason that I don't want him to touch me is that I feel unloved and that I am treated like a blow up dolly, or sex toy. I am not treated as a person. It's like he does not even care about my feelings... he just pursues his own enjoyment. He is also interested in perverse and sadistic things which frighten and disgust me. I have tried explaining many times exactly how I feel and why, but still... He believes that I am not interested because he is "not good enough in bed." In one sense, this is true, because what he does is in my eyes, disgusting. He was not like this when we were married and was not interested iin these perverse acts. I asked him why he wants to do these things and he can't (or won't) give me an answer. More than once, I have been held down and forced to comply with his wishes. In my view, this is rape. In his view, there is no problem - I am his wife. I have permanent injuries as a result of what he did. He actually (on seeing the scars) asked, What is that from? Either, he has some sort of split personality, or he is a sociopath??? Anyway, he is calling me as we have to go out...Please email, or add me as a friend. I would like to talk to you.

I can somewhat relate. In 2004 I had a partial hysterectomy; in which Dr's had told me I would not only develop mood swings but loose my appitite for sex(as for my sex drive before had been very very intence. )Although the doctors were not correct, I believed that I had become "damaged" What happens to a woman when she begans to loose faith in herself is that her unhappiness shines on not only her but everyone around her as well. <br />
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Perhaps what she needs is to FEEL again... Im not saying this to put a weight upon your shoulders. But in the hopes that maybe by sharing my stories with you, I can somehow help you find your wife again( the woman you fell in love with)<br />
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Since my hysterectomy, I have divorced and moved on. Im now stuck in a relationship where I have become the GIVER. Like you I am the social butterfly and he is the HERMIT. I understand your frustration when it comes to those very issues . I even sometimes, although I am not married to this man, feel as if I am walking on eggshells.<br />
But I do understand. Sometimes when things are rough like they are in our cases, the person we believed or believe we love can seem so UGLY. As for their attitudes make them that way, not their physical presence. After a 12 hr day, I do not see a reason why she would feel the need to PUSH you like she does. But perhaps the reason is because ( Those who can not do .......TEACH) maybe this doesn't even make sence and I could be babbling on and on because I am exhausted. Yet felt the need to respond. Perhaps because your story is a twisted up version on my relationship. I agree that physical violence is something you should NEVER experience. Especially with someone you love. She may be in need of not only medication, but an outlet. While sex may not be her thing. I urge you to comfort her a little and help her to find that outlet before that bubble burst and your marrige pays the price! <br />
Im sorry if I haven't helped you at all. As for I am very exhausted(Im even repeating things) Yikes! <br />
sincerly someone who feels your words as if they were her own<br />
xoxo<br />
D

Sadly, I see me in some of the behavior your wife exhibits, and I see my husband in you. From my perspective, I just need to know that your feelings of love are truly genuine. I need continual reassurance, and tenderness. I feel guilty, because I am not like other wives, I feel as though I am your burden. I don't feel very sexy anymore, and I am counting on you to make me feel sexy. I bark, because I feel unworthy. I still love you with all my heart, I just forgot how to show it. Does this make any sense to you, Fred?

First everyone thanks for the comments. Her and outr therapy has so far not been very successful. She always starts out in blaming me, then eventually the therapist wants her to own her own part and all of a sudden she does not want to go back because it is inconvenient, or she does not feel comfortable with them, or some other reason. Lonely mom I do try and lose weight but this has been my size my entire life. Except when I was in the Army. Then thoough I spent 3-5 hours a day in PT. Today I am only able to commit an hour to an hour 1/2 every day. I walk, lift weights, box on a heavy bag and speed bag on a regular workout schedule. I also take many vitamin supplements and try to keep as healthy as I can. Because I know coachin I will spend a couple of nights a week playing soccer or basketball for 1-2 hours with kids aged 11-15. Or when I referee basketball games I spend 2-3 hours on Saturday running up and down the court. If I did not keep in shape I would not be able to handle this. I also visit my doctor twice a year for physicals and I have no issues with my blood work or heart. He thinks I am pretty healthy. Always suprises him he says me being this big and not having high choloesterol or hypertension or something. I also know my body is very proportianate looking as I still get attention from beautiful women all the time, could be my personality though :-). I have been hoping something will change in her but I am getting to the point were I do not care. I think this weekend I realized I am no longer attracted to her. She is pretty and smart but being rejected so many times and told some of these things coupled with her anger and I am just growing further away. I hope I do not do something with some woman I meet that I know I will regret. I met a girl in Canada about a year ago who was young pretty and very interested in me. She kept trying to get me to take her back to my hotel. I slipped out before I did something I should not have. She is in my industry and I have a pretty good reputation so she still contacts me and tries to meet me when she is on town. I either find an excuse to meet her or bring a group to keep me honest. I am afraid that as this feeling I have of apathy is growing and I may not be so carefull in the future. That being said our oldest son is autistic high functioning aspergers but he has huge issues with changes. We have to plan things far in advance and get him ready for anything like a major change. Like next year he will go to our local high school (the middle school is not finished yet). So my wife and I have been working with the special ed department and all his teachers working on preparing him for next year. We have already done a few walk throughs and met everyone. Next week I will take him up there and we will go through his class schedule a few times so he can get acclimated to where he is going and when. This as well as the other kids love both of us. If we split up it would be hard on all of them. I notice when either of us are out of town for a few days we notice the kids are very clingy for a week when ever the one that has been out of town is home. Elle thanks for the comments the last tiime she hit me (3yrs ago) I made it clear if she did it again she would be moving out and would not have contact with the kids until she got extreme mental help regarding this illness. She knows I will not hesitatate in calling the police. Thanks again everyone for all your support it does help me keep my chin up.<br />
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Thanks again

jln99 I have answred per number below:<br />
1. I would not classify her as moody because she does not have manic type ups and downs she just seems kind of OK then snaps but her anger is usually short snaps and she does regret them afterwards.<br />
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2. Yes she was abused emotionally and sexually as a child. She has been going to counseling for this or years.<br />
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3. Not really she does sometimes feel she is not worthy of peoples friendships, and sometimes wonders if she is in a toxic friendship. When she does think she is ina toxic friendship she will stop trying to be friends with that person.<br />
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4. Not upset when I leave her alone. But she does feel there are times I commit a betrayal like not losing weight is a sign that I do not respect her. <br />
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5. Yes I do believe that is the case most of the time.<br />
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Thanks to everyone for their responses so far.

fredngrady: It pains me greatly to hear your story, even though it's a familiar one. How do you "force" someone to see the consequences of their actions in this situation? I don't know if you can. The pattern I recognize from my own experience... how the alleged reason for the lack of intimacy changes over time. It just means she's not telling you the truth, or worse, that she's lying to herself as well. Is it all about control? Recognize what you can, and cannot, change. Don't let your children grow up thinking abusive relationships are normal.