It Started the Night We Got Married.....

I used to have sex a lot, but none of the boyfriends ended up being the Mr. Right. Since I decided to not have sex with a boyfriend, we became serious quickly. Within a year of dating, we decided to get married. Not just because I really wanted to get in bed with him, but I found the desire toward him. He did not mention that he would have any problem. However, he told me that he had no confidence in bed sometimes. (Now, i now what that meant. How would I know that the confidence would be the killer of everything?)

On our wedding night, he claimed that he was very tired. I didn't push much. Day after day, month after month, and a year came by, I started asking why he wouldn't even have sex with me. He claimed that he liked to take initiatives, so I should not hug or kiss him all over all the time. I cried and decided to block myself from doing anything but wait....wait....wait. 

He started seeing counselors and therapists since a year ago. He also went through major urology tests, but all indicated that he might have severe anxiety issues. The truth is that I hate him for not being a real man. I get angry for what he cannot do, but not telling me before we got married. I hate that I cannot talk about this openly with friends.

My husband said that he loves me so much and he really wants to have sex, too. However, he just cannot have a hard erection. When he thinks of doing it, his heart beats so fast and he has cold sweat. What can I do? I feel that I love my love for him and I dont know what I can do. I hate him.

It may sound childish, but this is not the marriage I was looking forward to. Sex is not the only thing I am looking for in a marriage, but I also don't want a marriage with no sex at all. After living in this marriage for 2 years and 3 months, I feel deadly trapped. What kind of counselor should I go to? Who can help me?




hummingbird hummingbird
31-35, F
4 Responses Jul 31, 2007

Reading this, I understand a little better. I know your Christian values don't support this but you need sexual relief. It will relieve you and give you the opportunity to love your husband. Therapeutic sex. It's cheaper than counseling and I think in your case more effective.

I'm aware that these are old (2007) but just in case anyone is still interested - really Carazord that is totally insensitive. It's NOT that easy.<br />
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Suggestion #1 may work once, but there is not guarantee that will work at all depending on what the cause her husband's E.D. is.<br />
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Suggestion #2 also may work but there are some serious side effects and some people can't take it.<br />
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Also, you must be a guy to suggest that "riding him like a bull" will satisfy her. Sex for a woman begins with conversation (I keep trying to explain this to so many guys). Women need Romance and Romance begins with Conversation (not dirty talk that is later in the action). Conversation that begins a few hours or a day or so earlier is an inherent part of female satisfaction. So, the not discussing part of their problem is a huge problem for her. <br />
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Conversation draws a woman in close to you and makes her "feel loved" once she feels loved you can progress to the petting (which is often dropped after marriage) and work up to the "ride him like a bull" and fireworks ending for both.<br />
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I know this may not have helped Hummingbird's problem (although she may want to let her husband read it to understand her a little more) but I sure hope it's helped distroy your perception of "instant" or simple solutions.

If this is a serious post.... honestly there are two REALLY easy options:<br />
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1) Wait until he's asleep and begin to pleasure him orally. By the time he wakes up and realizes what's going on he will already be aroused and good to go.<br />
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2) Give him a bunch of viagra, wait 45 minutes, and lay him down on his back. Then get on and take him to town like a rodeo bull.

Hi Hummingbird-- thanks for sharing your story. And as you can see from the size of the sexless marriage group you are not alone at all in having these problems in your marriage...<br />
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However, since yours doesn't seem to be an issue of falling out of love or getting older and losing the sex drive, your solution may be different that others. It sounds like you are considering counseling, and if this is truly an anxiety problem, i think that is your best option. Hopefully through some help from a professional your husband can become less anxious about sex and you can move forward with it. Also, maybe doing it someplace safe where he feels less anxiety (i'm sure you've tried this but switching up locations?). Or, even though he told you otherwise, maybe if you made the move and put yourself out there it would take some of the anxiety and performance pressure off of him. Hope it gets better!