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So Depressed

It has been a while since I have written.  I have been living in a sexless marriage for several years now.  We have been together for 5 years.  The first 2 we had sex, but I was always the one who initiated it.  He is in the military and went away for several months a long time ago.  When he came back, he started a new and very stressful job and started ignoring all aspects of our marriage including our sex life.  He stopped really hugging me or kissing me.  Just a peck and an I love you.  He has always been there for me when I really need him, but has stopped being my husband.  It has been almost two years since we had sex.  He has given me so many excuses - stress being the number one reason.  The I insisted that we went to a counselor or that I would leave.  He went long enough to appease me, but then stopped.   I have tried counseling.  I have tried being romantic again with him and have gotten no where.  Every time I tell him that I am going to leave, he begs me to stay and says it will be different - that he will try.  I don't believe him.

I should have left him a year ago when I was feeling stronger.  The last year of our maritial problems have taken an awful toll on me.  I used to be in very very good physical shape.  I used to go to the gym six days a week.  I used to really take care of myself.  I used to be outgoing and love to meet new people.  I used to be confident.  Now, I am like a shell of my former self.  I gained so much weight that I can no longer fit into my clothes.  I am starting a new career (I just passed the bar exam) and I feel self-conscious meeting new people.  In short, I just don't feel good enough. 

So, how am I supposed to leave now when I don't feel strong enough?  I have never never in my life felt this week.  I have always been independent and self-sufficient.  Now I just feel unattractive, depressed, and worthless.

MarriedandAlone MarriedandAlone 36-40 5 Responses Jan 25, 2009

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If you're strong enough to pass that bar, you're strong enough to pull yourself up and out! I know you are. If I could do it, you can do it too.

Thank you for the responses. I am really going through a rough patch now. It helped to hear some of the advice you all have given. Otto - I am particularly thankful for the advice you gave regarding my career. I have often thought about those things as well. Again, thanks and best wishes to all of you as well!

OMG, your story is much like mine,I know exactly how you feel. I am much older than you, but it still hurts as much, and leaves one feeling hollow and empty.Bye, bye self esteem. My husband was a 'cheater' for many years. I only knew of two situations, but now know of all of it. Well, I think out of guilt, he became a born again Christain . I would have have to say, he 'threw me away for Jesus'. I imagine that some might not like that tatement, but that is eactly how I feel. He came to feel that sex was a 'dirty' thing . His view was/is very distorted. I will say though, that he is also bipolar, not his fault, yet no excuse for what he has done to our marriage.I too took good care of myelf, kept a lovely home for him, covered for him when he made bipolar 'gaffes', I was always there for him. What I really want to say to you is YOU ARE WORTH A LOT. Dont let him steal your joy,please . I know about feelings of worthlessness, so what you have to do is begin to build yourself up day by day. Take baby steps if you need too, but everyday, tell yourself what a good and unique person you are. Pat yourelf on the back, treat yourself to something special every day, only if it is just some small thing.You need to do this for yourself. I let my situation get so out of hand, that it has affected my health badly.Dont do this. seek a good therpist if you can, just for you. Get away from this man, he is doing great harm to you emotionally . You are WAY better than this and you deserve so much better. I think you can pull yourself out of this with some work, after all, you did pass the bar exam. My heart go's out to you. I totally understand how you are feeling. I hope this helps some !

I feel for you my dear. IF I were you, right now I would focus on my career and myself 100%....and dump the loser when I have enough strength in other areas in my life to sustain me through a divorce. It seems to me that you have done everything possible to save the marriage. Also, I bet you look great! I do not work out nearly as much as you used to and I still think I look good...lol. GL in your new job!!!!!!

Bar examination. As they say, once you pass the bar, you'll never pass another one by. ;) I was admitted in 1999. Do you have kids? Have you been sworn in? Do you have a job offer yet? What area of law will be your focus? I ask all this because I think you should really take a step back now and look long and hard at your situation and decide how you are going to proceed with your career and marriage. The last thing you want to do is start at a new firm, as a newly minted attorney, and then decide that you want to divorce, which will surely cause you to divide your attention between work and home. You don't want an unstable home situation when you are trying to show everyone at work how "together" and "competent" you are. The law is a jealous mistress as they say. If you're going to stick it out in your marriage, now may be the time to aggressively pursue that and straighten things out, and, if not, you'll want to consider that as well and think about cutting your losses now.



Also, another thing to consider, not sure how much your husband makes and what he does, but, of course, any job you land and your salary will be factored in to whether, in a divorce, either of you gets spousal maintenance and how much that will be and for how long. You don't want to stay on board a sinking ship for another 3, 5, 10, whatever years, start making good money, and then have to cut sizeable checks to your ex because you are the big money maker. Toss a kid or two into the mix, and you could be hurting badly.



Of course, I think you should consult with a reputable matrimonial attorney in your home state for his/her take on your legal position.



The other thing is that you don't want to make bad career choices (like I did) on account of your spouse. I've burned so many personal and professional bridges because of my spouse's possessive nature, it's not even funny, which might be ok if I thought my spouse loved me and I was getting some ONCE in a while, but that's another sad pathetic story.



I would not worry about the weight gain at all. Working out 6x per week, going to law school, studying for the bar, etc., and only NOW you have gained enough weight that you cannot fit into your old cloths ... I hate to say it, not that bad. It's not like you have gained so much weight that you bought cloths 2 sizes too big and now you can't fit into THOSE cloths anymore. While you may feel far gone, chances are, objectively, you're not that far gone. The mental toll our situation has taken likely makes you feel 10x worse, which makes you afraid to go out and work out and "mix it up" with others, which makes you stay home and not be active, which makes you feel worse... It's a vicious cycle.



Anyway, I hope I've helped you a little, and, God help us all ... yet another lawyer in the world! :)