Its Just a Matter of Time...

.. until I leave my wife.  (It's not really that bad, I think she may be relieved) - But I dont think she knows it, however she might not be surprised if it happens. 

Sounds like I started the story at the end.  Even my law lecturers used to complain that my essays had no introduction, no body, only a conclusion.  But that's the type of person I am, I cut to the chase. 

For the first time in my 9 year marriage, I spoke to my better half about 1 week ago about our infrequent sex.  It seems its not as bad as some folks, its about twice a month, but given that I would prefer it about twice a day, its really killing me.  Hey, I am open to compromise.  She says (and she's probably right) that when we first married we did it about 2-3 time a week.  If we returned to that now I would be on cloud nine.  In July 2007 we had sex twice, and the second time was a few minutes after I complained about not having enough. 

For the whole 12 years since I've known her (11 years of which we have lived together) I usually talk her to death every morning.  In the last 2 weeks, I do not feel like talking in the morning.  And she usually says less than 5 words.  I am waiting to see if she will say anything to me.  Not a word.  Its like she is a dead woman walking.  Amazing.  That doesn't mean she is undesirable.  Physically she is beautiful, and I want her badly, but I can rarely have her, which seems insane in the context of a marriage. 

Our talk (2 weeks ago) was just me ranting and she giving one word answers.  There is a myriad of issues here and not enough space here to cover - Our talk did not cover enough info from her.  But she said she was not having sex with anyone else, because I felt I had to ask if that was the reason why she didn't want sex with me.  She mentioned that sometimes when she comes to bed I'm already sleeping.  But when I'm clearly awake nothing happens either. 

We have emotionally separated whilst still sharing the same bed.  Infidelity is very tempting right now, and despite how wrong it is, there are certain emotional and physical needs that are missing at home. 




runtings runtings
41-45, M
5 Responses Aug 3, 2007

Sexless (or near-sexless) marriages seem such a commonplace conundrum t'day. The spark that ignited passion in the early months and years is often engulfed--extinguished even-- by the mundane machinations of everyday life. <br />
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On surface, it would seem a situation easily-solvable. To whit, if you (one) want to have/enjoy a fulfilling sex life...reclaim passion lost and be successful at doing it...then--as with anything else in life--you have to work at it. Work-at-it. Yet that very prescription seems somehow antithetical to the basic nature of love-making, which--in my humble and unsolicited opinion--should be spontaneous...and unconstrained. <br />
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I know how critical it is to many (most?) relationships--and to men, esp.--but {and herein lies the rub--no pun intended :-) } should it be? It's but one facet of a rel., isn't it. Important, yes, but...MOST important? So many other things matter as much--esp. as couples grow older. Genuine and ardent affection (and like..."liking"); committed companionship; trust that's survived all tests; the comfort and security of being loved by another DESPITE that they know us--warts and all. <br />
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Surely though, seeking sexual solace outside the marriage is merely band-aid on a major marital wound. (And that's both in real life and virtual.) Deceitful at the least ... and hurtful to spouse and kids, if kids're involved (whether they're aware of it or not). Better (there is no "best") simply to end the marriage or situation. Or come clean and take your chances. BUT...that's for another topic. The devastation that deceit--once exposed--can wreak...<br />
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All the best to anyone out there grappling with a difficult, often deadening dilemma...

A different perspective on sexless marriages.. . and i agree with you about one thing.. are you marrying only for sex? is that the only force which is binding you together?

Runtings - <br />
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I'm in line here with the others. Don't run around. You lose any rightousness you have when you go down that road. You have folks here, lots of folks, who would die for twice a month. To put it in perspective, for me I really believe it is twice in about 14 years. I have my own problems. Please don't complicate yours. Take the high road.

At least your started talking about your feelings, keep talking try not to get emotioal, let her know how much you love and miss the closness. Listen to her if you get her to open up, think back and try to find out if there was a turning point. I'm at such a loss, As after 27 yrs with my husband we craved each other, when I got upset with him, I'd put the coffee on the top shelf, as he was shorter than me... He knew I was pissed.. I'd never deprive myself of that God given Joy. Good Luck and Sas, is right infidelity never helps it would give her justification.Talk and Talk some more... ((((you))))

I guess its too late to say I won't go down that road..

Infidelity will not help. I understand your situation, am going through it also. Best advice I can give is work through the issues. I know its not much, but I know I don't have the answer yet either.......