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Tell Me What It Does to You

I just want to hear from people who aren't getting sex from their spouse. How does it make you feel? What do you think about that person?

I ask because I have issues with intimacy in my marriage. I can't even tell you why. I just have a real problem being intimate.

Anyway, I'm a woman and married to a man I've been with for 7 years. I don't want to hurt him anymore - but how can I fix myself?

spankipie spankipie 31-35, F 19 Responses Jan 29, 2009

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Have you sat down and openly talked about it with your partner. It is a relationship,maybe you can figure it out, through a bit of trial and error?

Please be sure you go to a therapist that specializes in sexual matters and not just couples dynamics and really are committed to change and are in it for the long haul. It makes a difference.<br />
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The therapist needs to be able to appreciate and UNDERSTAND both sides. A difficult thing to do.

From what I've read, you seem to have the attitude that is required to make this work. I wouldn't give up, I think there may be a lot of hope. You should seek a therapist for the both of you. A therapist can help you understand and maybe correct your hangups with sex. The therapist can also meet with your husband separately to help him understand and deal with his pain and resentment. <br />
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I know, my wife and I have been through this. The attitude that you have in that you care for your husband is rare and is often the only thing that a therapist needs to be able to put things together.

I am not sure about this but I have been married 15 years. My husband and I manage to get together about once a month. I do not resent him at all for this, I know he still loves me. I can tell him anything, I have the freedom to get mad or frustrated or whatever without the fear of him leaving. I know he has never had an affair and I do not want to be with anyone else. We have reached a different level in our marriage that is just comfortable. We use to be very passionate and had sex all the time but now when we do get together it feels very secure. We both travel a lot and are out of town but we communicate and when we do get home at the same time we just visit and walk the dogs and watch tv. It is kinda nice not having to worry about if and when we will have sex. I think that the issues of feeling not good enough or unattractive are something that you need to deal with yourself. Unless he is mean and saying those things to you. If not then just take care of yourself and do things for you that make you happy. The rest will fall into place.

How so Kwallpbr?

I applaud you for coming here and trying to get some advice coz you realize there is a problem and want to work at it!!! You sound almost exactly like my wife so I can probably relate to how your husband must be feeling. I can tell you this much... He is in no way a happy camper! Depending on how long you have been feeling this way, he will eventually come to resent you! And it would almost certainly end with him cheating on you!!! Personally, I haven’t crossed that line... yet... but please bear that in mind as a great possibility! <br />
You said that you would have sex with him even though you wouldn’t ******?... Please don’t do that! As noble as it may seem on your part, he would just eventually see the sex as pity sex and would then also most probably loose interest in sex!!! I have, many times before, looked at my wife while we were having sex and picked up that she was either just laying there or just waiting for me to finish. Then I would stop right in the middle of it and ask her if she is still ok or I would totally stop roll over and play dead rather or go have a shower. Well, don’t just have sex coz you want to keep your husband happy, have sex coz it makes the both of you happy! Pity sex has got to be the worst sex!! And I’m sure a lot of the members here would agree with me on this one. Id rather have no sex than have pity sex!!!<br />
Get some individual counseling for yourself to try and understand what you are going through so that you can start working on your marriage! Keep your husband in the loop as to how the progress is coming along in the sessions too! I guess you could invite him to the sessions too once you understand what you are going through but that’s entirely up to you!<br />
It sounds like you want things to work out and with an attitude like that, it probably WILL work out for you and your husband!<br />
If things are not working out with the sessions or take longer than what you anticipated, you would still need to let him know instead of having him "hanging in there" and twiddling his thumbs...<br />
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I really do wish you and him all of the luck! At least you accept that you have a problem; you accept that it is hurting your husband and your marriage and you are willing to make it right! <br />
Once again... Best of Luck!!!

I am with texas818 but so far hasn't reach the stage where marriedyetalone is but am worried that I may come to that stage eventually - "resenting him for his very existence in my life". I love him, will never stop loving. like that song "When I fell in love, I will love forever" Ironic that his best man played that song at our wedding reception. I said to myself many times "If I don't have kids I would have been long gone" but would I?. "Years of rejection by the one who promised to love you above all others it soul stealing. I am not the same woman I was when I met him and it has not been a change for the better". I was beautiful, felt beautiful but now I ask my self "Am I so ugly?" I feel "unattractive, undesired, unwanted. It feels like there must be something wrong with me and it makes me always wonder if he is having an affair". I haven't read your story Jo76 but will and I agree with what you said. I deserve to be happy and I want him to be happy too. If he is not happy with me then we should talk about it. If he fell out of love with me and is in love with someone else I rather know. So I know how to go on. Not knowing is worse....

I think you have to ask yourself where the problem started. Did it start early on, or is it a recent development? Did anything happen to you, your partner, or in your relationship to start it? In reality, I think, to get to the root of the problem, you will have to seek counseling and discuss your problems. I'd tend to think you might be better to start going alone in the beginning so you will be more at ease with discussing your feelings with the counselor. <br />
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In terms of how it feels to be rejected over and over again, if you want to know, I can say, not good. <br />
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My wife was VERY sexual when we met, and, apparently before we met in prior relationships. Then, like a light switch being turned off, nothing. I don't feel I have ever gotten a straight answer from her as to why. I think, man, she used to be hot to trot with me, and, significantly, with these JERKS that she used to date. Now, any sex I have had with her since before we've married has either been "pity" sex, or because she wanted something out of me. <br />
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I can see it in her when we're in the middle of it. She is TOTALLY disinterested, and likely thinking to herself "when is he going to finish so he gets the hell off of me," which is a huge letdown to me to say the least. It has caused me to stop being intimate with her in pretty much all ways. I don't touch her, hug her, kiss her, etc. After a long time, she has noticed (why didn't you kiss me when you left for work or when you came to bed) which makes me angry. You never said anything about that BEFORE. Why all of the sudden are you making an issue of it now? We have grown apart in many ways, and now pretty much live like roommates. We don't eat together, we share a bed, but we sleep at the far ends of the bed from one another. <br />
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On those rare occasions when we do have sex (2 times in 2008 for example), all I am thinking to myself from the time she begins to initiate it is, why is she doing this if she hates it so much or is so disinterested in me. Many in that position would have no forethought or compunction about having sex with someone so disinterested, however, I do. I love this person, and don't want to hurt her or make her do something she does not want to do. BUT then I am hurt as well because she promised to love me and cherish me for all of our days, and yet, for some reason, she does not want to share with me the deepest and most intimate ex<x>pression of that love, and, anytime I have asked her about it, I believe that I am not given a straight answer (well, I am upset, nervous, depressed, gained weight, it's work, school, family problems, etc.). I think she "loves" me as a close friend or family member, but not as a spouse, but perhaps she is afraid to tell me this.<br />
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What is so scary is that, if everything changed tomorrow, I am not certain that I would be able to open up to her, or be interested in being with her. I feel like we have grown apart so much that I am not 100% sure we can bring ourselves back together. I think sometimes, gee, what might happen if she turned around, and wanted it morning, noon, and night, and I pushed HER away? Would she stick with me? Would she be as understanding as I have been, or would she be ready to file for divorce? All pretty painful thoughts. <br />
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Anyway, I am glad you asked the question. I fear that, if your relationship goes on like you say it has, your husband will begin (if he has not already) to feel like I do, and/or will want to leave. You never know, he might be a member of this board too! I sincerely wish you two the best and hope for both of your sakes that you get your issues and problems straightened out.

Stay the course - work at it. Explore ways to enjoy intimate moments with your partner. Give yourself to your partner! Share each other with each other - if given the opportunity, you can make a connection that is deep and spiritual. You both deserve to be loved. If you feel that you cannot give yourself freely, don't torture your friend. Living with rejection is painful, let him go!<br />
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I have added my story below. Maybe it will give you some perspective.<br />
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Due to a physical condition, my wife is no longer able to have intercourse, but is not limited otherwise. Because of this limitation, she has given up on sex altogether. Unfortunately, this has been going on for over 3 years. I have reached a point where I am willing to risk my marriage to find some relief! Each time I run out of patience, I re-fuel for some more pain and suffering. This time, I am feeling different. I feel drained! The energy and drive I had a year ago is now gone. I am not content to continue this way, but I have no drive to change it! I truly feel empty inside. Eventually, I will need to replenish myself! I am just not sure what to do at this point. I have often thought that the best of situations would be to meet a married woman with very similar circumstances, but even under the best of circumstances, I am not sure that would resolve anything!<br />
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I actually began looking for a married woman who has the same needs and wants, but wants to stay in her marriage. <br />
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I am close to the edge, but have convinced myself that I have a commitment to myself and my wife. We are life partners. After 30+ years we have so much more invested in each other other than sex! If I take the step I will keep it to myself, it will have to be my secret! My biggest fear is hiding my guilt and elation from my wife.<br />
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Eventually, I will need to replenish myself! For now, I exercise, walk, listen to music, and now I have EP as a source of support. It feels better knowing that I am not alone! There are a lot of great people here!

Thank you all for your comments.<br />
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I think now that I understand the seriousness of this issue, I will immediately start trying to turn things around.<br />
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I had no idea how important the sexual intimacy can be. <br />
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I have always been very happy with other aspects of a relationship and just don't feel the need or urge... <br />
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But I'm totally capable of doing this for my spouse because I love him.<br />
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What if your wife gave you sex frequently and did it because she loves you but didn't care if she climaxed or not? Because that's how I feel. Would that be better or would it bother you that she didn't feel the need for an ******?

Counseling is definately the thing to do!!!!!!!!<br />
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The fact that you don't want to have sex is not wrong. What is wrong is staying in a marriage where one or both partners are unhappy and unfullfilled.

How does it feel? It makes you feel alone, cold, unwanted, worthless, crazy ...

Thanks guys.<br />
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I would love to be able to help you understand me and why I feel this way... but I'm not really sure. I was raised to believe that sex is dirty - that may be a part of it. Or it could be that most of the early part of our relationship was really bad. He hurt me a lot. <br />
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I don't know other than that. I'm going to get some counseling to see if I can sort through this.

Well said Zorbas. <br />
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Please don't hold this man hostage. He deserves love. If you are not capable of giving it to him you will hurt him more in the long run.

Now that is a strange comment. That could be taken that what he perceives himself to be, your lover, but in your eyes merely as a good friend. Friends fall in and out of favor with one anther. Lovers do this less fequently. You two are just not passionate lovers, at least not on your part. <br />
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Sooner or later this will become an overwhelming issue iand the hurt may be deeper. I would sit down and express to him your feelings and spare him any illusions about your relationship. <br />
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Somewhere in the recesses of your mind is a phantom that is your image of what you want and desire. It apparently is not the flesh and blood guy you're with.

Thank you for helping me to understand how he feels. Damnit. I hate this!

not feeling wanted from your partner is one of the sadest things that can ever happen to yoy if you are a passionate person and enjoy intimacy.<br />
It is like multiplying loneliness by 10. <br />
So I recommend you look for a therapist because there might be underlying issues from your past that are interfereing with your sex life.<br />
Being regected from the person you love hurts very deep in your heart and he will resent you sooner or later...

Well, I think I fall in and out of love with him... I just seem to have some real hang ups about sex... I don't understand myself. I do want to be with him. He's my very best friend and I couldn't live without him.

You seem like you no longer see him as a sexual partner, or am I wrong? This is not uncommon and perhaps your actual sex life has not mirrored the fantasy life in your mind. I doubt that it is a medical problem with you because I am assuming from the little you have or have not said here that you are young and not older.<br />
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It well be also that you just plain have fallen out of love with him.