I Need a Little Help....

All perspectives are welcome.  Here's my story.....

Like most of you above, I also find myself in a "sexless" relationship. While it's not a completely sexless relationship like many that I've read about above -- it's close enough for my particular tastes. We've had sex maybe thirty times over the past three years, and we've had droughts that have lasted for months.

I've raised the issue with her on numerous ocasssions over the course of this time, and have even broken up with her a couple of times. Each time I was assured that things would change. Each time they did -- for about a week. Then it reverted back to the same. She's not using sex as a manipulation tool and she's not being vindictive. She simply has a sex drive that registers just above a flat-line!

Where I differ from most of you, however, is that I am not yet married and, as you could probably tell by now, I am a man. A young man with a very active drive. The friends that I've shared my problem with think that I'm crazy for having put up with it for so long. Half of me thinks that they're right. I mean why can't I leave? I'm not married yet. Although, I am engaged.

Yet when I start thinking like this, the other half of me, the half that truly loves her, interjects in her defense. That half tries to rationalize that she's perfect for me. She's sweet, she's intelligent, and she's beautiful. Which are all true. But what makes leaving her the most painful is that she is such a great friend. I got a sense from reading your above posts that, in a lot of instances, the friendship died along with your sex life. Part of me almost wishes that I had a similar situation. It would make it that much easier to leave her.

Help me out ladies (and gents). Is the above enough to stick it out? Or is an uninspired and uneventful sex life that has no prospects of getting better the death knell of any relationship?

Jewell Jewell
31-35, M
33 Responses Aug 4, 2007

It definitely sounds like a medical evaluation could help her: the problem could really be that, though it could also be past sexual trauma or something else. I agree with the person who was talking about allowing a good "set-up" -- that is, actually build up to it, do great grooming, but moreover, make her *feel* sexy in the days/week leading up to sex, like really tell her how hot she looks (*without* trying to have sex right then) and mean it, make her some sensual food, do things to take care of her, keep interjecting how much she turns you on because of something very very specific (not just general). I hate to say it, but some people also just seek to have next to no imagination about sex on their own, so the more imaginative *You* can be to stimulate *her* imagination (not just during sex, but leading up to it could help, if you're as vivid as possible and also solicit feedback, like say "I love when you say that thing back to me because it's such a turn-on" etc. It doesn't have to be something obviously sexy, just pull those things out of daily life to engage it.

It may be a previous abuse sit. Or it may be a hormone issue??<br />
These things are solvable if they are willing. <br />
Counselling, hormone therapy...<br />
If not then get out!

Hi Jewel, I just want to say this. Sometimes women, such as myself, have certain hang ups after they have lived with a husband/man and gotten to know all the "grose" little nuances about each other ~ <br />
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I guess being together has had an affect on how I dress for bed, or my standard hygiene now that I feel comfortable to just go to sleep rather than worry about sex. When I was dating my husband, I wore cute lingerie, I'd take a shower first before sex, make sure my feet were done, legs and arms shaved, teeth brushed etc. little things like that~<br />
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My husband did his part too as far as good hygiene including wearing nice aftershave, nice nails, no dandruff, etc. <br />
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When I know it's going to be a "special" night, I sortof like to know in advance so I can shower, Shave, and share ~ same with him, I want him to seem ready for the "event" ~ Maybe that will help with you too.

Tried adult breastfeeding?

Well, they say that stress causes problems in the bedroom. If you eliminate the stress (finances and weariness), she'll open up more.

have you tried switching things up maybe? Maybe she is bored. By no means am I suggesting it is your fault I am just saying have you tried new things. She also may not want you to leave because she knows not too many would put up with no sex and most likely she would not find anyone that would. Maybe you are her safety net so she promises things will change. She has to be getting it from somewhere. Good luck

e to end it now. my experience is much like drifter. Affection and snuggling make it feel like a loving relationship and it is . However--all things considered I would advise you to end it now..If I was meant to be celibate i would have become a priest.

2 things-- first of all, extremely low sex drive in either gender can have a physical cause. Suggest to your fiancee that she go to her regular doctor for a routine checkup-- and then if that reveals nothing amiss, to an endocrinologist for a full battery of hormone levels.<br />
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Next, as one other commenter suggested, see how she would feel about an open relationship. Obviously there is a lot about her that you find positive and appealing, otherwise you would have already left. Perhaps you can get your needs met in a variety of ways, and by more than one person. Good luck, you sound like a really nice guy :)

I really thnk you are foolish for staying with her. There must be some underlying reason the two of you . Why suffer and do without the pleasures of a sexual relationship. My wife and I had sex almost every day for years. Now with age its dropped to once a week. and i miss the intIimacy we both shared. you are missing the joys of life. I suggest if she won't change walk away and find someone that will give you what you need..

Whatever you do, don't marry her if nearly flatline sex isn't enough for you. Sure as hell, you'll cheat.

I can't really add anything to all the comments already posted.<br />
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I too endured a sexless marriage for years. She started an affair right around our 25th anniversary sleeping in separate beds, and stayed together "for the children".<br />
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My counseling taught me that when a woman refuses sex, it is usually because they no longer feel emotionally connected to the man. Without the emotional connection, most (not all) women have no passion for their partner.<br />
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I also believe that most women "race ahead" of men all through their lives. By this, I mean that when a man is thinking of getting engaged, the woman has already decided on the wedding date; where their home should be; and how many children she wants. Even before the proposal.<br />
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When the man tires of sexless relationship, the woman has probably reached that conclusion EARS earlier. She may been in an affair; or an emotional entanglement; or some other support system that the man is clueless about.<br />
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Typically, women need men to clean up the "messes"" of their lives. When a marriage is sexless, that is a HUGE mess. The woman is not "programmed" or "taught" how to clean up the sexless marriage mess, so she just tolerates it...for month after month, year after year.<br />
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Do both of yourselves a favor and file for divorce. Get some books about divorces; get into counseling; find out what went wrong...but get going.<br />
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You are years late in doing this.

I AM 38 YEARS OLD AND HAVE BEEN MARRIED THIS OCT FOR 20 YEARS. YOU DO THE MATH TO FIGURE OUT MY AGE WHEN I GOT MARRIED. MY HUSBAND IS A GOOD MAN, AS FAR AS A PROVIDER, NOT A CHEATER, CHARMING TO OTHERS, ETC. BUT I AM ONE OF THE MOST UNHAPPY DEPRIVED PEOPLE RIGHT NOW. I CONSIDER MYSELF ATTRACTIVE AND MEN COMMENT SOMTIMES ON MY APPEARANCE, WHICH MAKES IT EVEN MORE DIFFICULT TO STAY FOCUSED. I ENCOURAGE YOU STRONGLY GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. IF YOU DONT YOU WILL FIND THAT EVEN THE LOVE YOU POCESS FOR HER RIGHT NOW WILL NOT BE ENOUGH. SOMEDAYS YOU WILL BE ABLE TO MANAGE AND OTHER DAYS YOU WILL HATE HER VOICE, HER COMMENTS, HER EVERYTHING. SEEK GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND BE REAL WITH YOURSELF. IT MAY HURT NOW AND PERHAPS YOU MAY FEEL YOU ARE MAKING A MISTAKE BUT DO IT, LEAVE AND PRAY THAT GOD WILL SHOW YOU YOUR WIFE, SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE LIFE ABUNDENTLY. I LOVE GOD WITH ALL MY HEART BUT I AM MISERABLE. I AM HORNEY AS HELL AT TIMES AND CANT CHEAT BECAUSE IT GOES AGAINST EVERYTHING I BELEIVE IN WITH GOD. I FEEL STUCK, TIRED, ANGRY AND TRAPPED. YOU ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU SAID YES TO GOD AND HER. GET THE HELL OUT WHILE YOU CAN. I GENERALLY DONT USE PROFANITY BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW JUST HOW SERIOUS THIS IS. RUN.

My Boyfriend & I have been together 26 years, the Sex was great at First then about 4 years into our relationship I didn't have the desire for it. Now it's just the opposite. Put the Blame on E.D. or me, 26 Years Later, I wonder? This is from my Own Personal Experience.<br />
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Maybe it would Help, She Loves You, Can She Try & Get Some Help? Otherwise I'm afraid you'll end up asking yourself "What If" years Later!

Oh my goodness... it will NOT get better. Sure you love her like crazy but after 10 years of this sexless crap, you will start to resent her. It's unfortunate but it's true. <br />
You WILL find love again and so will she. You will do yourself - AND HER - a huge favor by being the strong one and lovingly breaking it off. You won't ever regret it once you've found the "one".

Been there done that... had gone over three months without during engagement... or should I say dis-engagement? LOL I stuck it out for a few years. Got married hoping it might make a difference. I was filing divorce papers within six months. Don't do anything unless you are sure. If you haven't discussed it with her openly, try that first.

I would say definitely end the relationship now. It will be much easier to end it and find love elsewhere than to get married and it becoming 100 times worse.

HELLO! Do you take ANY blame for this?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!<br />
The whole time you bitched about her, you took NO responsibility. How are you in bed? Maybe you’re not doing such a great job. Maybe she is not interested because you do not understand what HER needs are. The problem is that men are just so quick to blame us but stop and think that we are not interested because you don't know or even care to understand how to "make love" to us. Hope I've helped!

If you were stuck on an island for 20 years with this person, how would you feel about it? ie. even if there was no sex, would you like her, be intrigued by her? would you want to be around her? if yes, proceed. the sex thing might be an issue, but not a show stopper. i'm on year 12 of low sex, and it's a problem, but i'm crazy about my wife.

i know you ve probably gone through this but<br><br />
maybe you dont know how to tease her<br><br />
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thts what i d say about my girl even though i recognize i have lower than average needs.<br><br />
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its probably a combination of the following things<br><br />
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-dont know how to tease her<br><br />
-she has personnal issues or deals with excitment in a different way<br><br />
-she doesnt need sex but wont refuse it<br><br />
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in any case if you talk with her more openly and try to dig through her psychology you should be able to figure out something.<br><br />
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and if she actively refuses sex with you then maybe its time to negociate that you get satisfaction from elsewhere.<br><br />
that can happen sometimes. my gf gets turned on by jalousy<br />
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again, commit, dont break up<br />
there is a solution<br />
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maybe you can lower ur needs there are ways its not that big a deal

Take some advice from someone who has been there, done that. My wife never said "no" before marriage. We had sex 8 to 12 times a week but as soon as I said "I do" things changed drastically. The week of our honeymoon I was allowed to have sex twice.<br />
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It's been down hill ever since. I haven't had sex with her in over 4 years. I bet you I haven't had sex 100 times in our 24 years of marriage. The only reason I don't leave is because of my children who are now 13 and 17.<br />
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Three years ago I found out she was having an affair with a co-worker.<br />
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My advice to you is to leave. Sure it's going to hurt. Breakups always do but if you leave now the pain will be short-lived. Believe me, if you stay you will wind up just like me. A 46 year old depressed, insomniac who feels nothing inside and I can tell you that pain never rest.

If there is an problem area in your relationship before you get married, marriage will only amplify that problem. If you aren't having sex now, believe me when you get married it will get only worse. She may "come around" for a while especially if she wants a baby. If you do have a child, kiss your sex life good bye. <br />
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Women can't fake true passion for a man. Their passion is based on so many things, true respect for the man they are with, true friendship and love. Not just "I love him" it's got to be "I am truly IN love with him". There is a difference, believe me I know. <br />
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No sex from a woman usually means deep resentments toward her boyfriend or spouse. How do you know she isn't sleeping with somebody else? Men have to remember foreplay starts long before jumping into bed. Do you help around the house, talk with respect and tenderness, fight fairly and aren't mean?<br />
How does your girl friend talk to you when she is upset with you? Does she belittle you in public. Start paying attention to other couples, a lot of married women are just plain mean to there spouses. I asked a married women if she would ever talk to her mother or father or best friend the way she speaks to her husband, usually it's no way! Then why do you talk to your husband that way? You need to step away from this relationship date other women, don't get married!!

I almost married into this same situation. I would get out. You may not feel it too strongly now, but the resentment will keep building and start manifesting itself across the entire relationship. You shouldn't have to deny yourself an important part of your own psyche, and of intimate relationships in general. She may be mostly right for you, but she's not completely right for you. You'll both be happier with partners who match your respective sex drives. It will suck in the short term of course but in the long term you will be grateful you moved on and looked elsewhere. Please believe me - I was the one who was dumped but I was also the one who wasn't getting any. It was incredibly painful but I am so, so glad I was then free to find someone who matched me sexually. Now that I'm in that better place I would never never go back. It truly made me miserable to be sexually rejected so much and was consuming my life. Don't let it happen to you.

First off you have to make the choice your slef and be ready to live with the outcome either way you choose.<br />
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Your story didn't tell how old you and your girlfried are. It also didn't say anything about your religious backgrounds.<br />
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I'm speaking for myself only here and what I delt with while dating my husband.<br />
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Before we were married we did have sex. It was great but because of my religious beleifs there were times I would pull away because I felt guilty. I also had some issue with sex due to some sexual abuse as a child. I understood I had these issues and explained them to my now husband. If I hadn't taken the time and the courage to explain this to him he would have felt like you.<br />
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I'm not saying this is the problem only what I went through. It could be something other than her sex drive causing this. And since you stated you love her and only seem to have issues in this area then maybe looking at another side of the issue is worth a try.<br />
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When you talk to her she is going to need to feel she can trust you and that you will not stand in judgement of what is going on with her. Then again everyone could be right but you need to made the choice for your self and not based on what others tell you to do.

You have already admitted that sex is an important thing for you and if you have to complain to get it, and you aren't even married yet, then you are not headed in a positive direction with your relationship. I agree with Drifter - it won't get easier to deal with the lack of sex in your relationship when the other pressures and demands of married life kick in. I would end things now and save yourself lots of pain and therapy in the future. You can salvage a friendship sometime down the road and just accept that this relationship is not a keeper. There are lots of nice, sweet, compassionate women out there who will have the same sex drive as you do!

Keep reading some of these stories, I think it may help you. Know that many of us have tried talking to our mates about things and that having your feelings and needs ignored over time can create a lot of resentment. Is there a way that the friendship could be salvaged? You have to do what is right for you , but imagine yourself a few years from now in the same situation. In my case, had I known how things would end up, I would have made some different choices. Sex is beautiful thing!

leave nowmor you will be sorry

Like you, I too was engaged to a sweet, intelligent, beautiful woman. I married her over 30 years ago. <br />
For years, our sex life was "average" -- nothing spectacular, but OK. About 15 years ago it began the slow downward spiral to where it is today -- rock bottom.<br />
If you're having issues over sex with her now, that's a big red flag. I'd like to reassure you that it will get better, she will change and the two of you will have a satisfying sex life together. But I can't. Some women do have a resurgence of desire as they grow older. There's no guarantee of any of that, however. If you're sex starved now, and she's telling you "honey, not tonight" a little too often, imagine how often she's going to tell you that when you throw in the responsibilities and demands of home and marriage, kids, work and plain old everyday stress.<br />
You may love her more than the world. I feel that way about my wife and always have, sex or no sex. For all our dysfunction in the bedroom, she's still my princess. But I can tell you this: If you live in a sex-starved marriage with her, you will resent her, and you will hate feeling that way. It will make her unhappy as well. She will sense your resentment even if you never argue about sex -- or if you stop arguing about it, as you likely will after a while when it simply hurts too much to talk about it.<br />
Saying goodbye to her now will hurt. Saying it later will hurt worse, piled on top of all the pain, resentment and self-doubt you will endure in the meantime.<br />
Only you can decide if she is the woman for you. But I'm afraid you're off to a very shaky start. Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

It depends on what day it is. Some days when you are frustrated, rejected and can't sleep because you are horny as hell, No it is not worh it. Other times he does something so sweet that you are sure that no One else in the world could ever make you as happy. But that is why most of us are here. We are at an impass and we need info to make that big decision.(and a shoulder to cry on if we make the wrong one) But for me, if I wasn't married and didn't have kids, I wouldn't willing chose this life again. Hope all goes well whatever you decide.

Statistically speaking, your future sex life does not look promising. But, you really don't have to stay married forever - if it doesn't work out, it doesn't. Try an open relationship, find a lover, work around it. Just don't set yourself up for failure by expecting perfection from her or yourself.

I can totally relate to your situation. In fact I think I'm you, about 25 years further along. I married my high school sweetheart when we were in our mid twenties, I'm now forty seven. We have two wonderful kids, seventeen and thirteen, and I cannot imagine life without them. We too went for months at a time without any sex, though our sex life was very satistiying in the beginning (I'm talking high school.) It steadily waned over the course of our relationship, and I knew before we were married that it would always be a problem. I look back now and wonder just what you seem to wonder, why didn't I leave? I knew sex would be a problem, and I knew I had a healthy sex drive. I did, in fact, leave before we were engaged. I just couldn't take the lack of passion and broke up with her for a time (less than a year I think.) I met a woman and enjoyed a wonderfully passionate relationship with her. But like you say, I reallty loved my old love and really felt a certain "responsibility" to continue with her. I always pictured having kids with her and wanted to see that through. We had been together for close to 10 years before we were married, and somehow it just seemed destined.<br />
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Anyway, fast forward another 20 years and here I sit in a loveless, sexless marriage, with virtually no hope of repair. And here I am, still frozen, unable to leave, seperate, divorce. I did finally initiate sleeping in seperate bedrooms a couple of years ago, because I simply could not stand being in the same bed with her anymore. <br />
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I guess I'm trying to tell you to avoid what I did. I can't imagine being more unhappy than I am living here, yet I can't seem to do anything about it. I'm in weekly therapy and I've learned that it's not my fault that she has no sex drive, that she represented herself dishonestly in our relationship regarding sexual expectations. I've also learned that I should leave. I've learned that the kids (my main reason for staying) would probably be happier if they knew I was happy, either alone or with someone else, so I shouldn't stay for their benefit. But here I sit.<br />
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Don't do what I did. It will drive you insane. If she's that close of a friend, tell her how much this means to you and she'll (very painfully) understand that you HAVE to leave, and it'll be up to her whether you will remain close friends or not.<br />
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Sorry for the length, but I wish I could have a do-over. The toughest part is the kids. I can never get far enough in my thinking to imagine life without having them, which leads me to believe that the marriage is still meant to be. <br />
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It's awful. Thanks for listening.

Jewell -<BR><BR>I'll keep the score 100% in favor of excusing yourself from this relationship. There are a lot of pressures that will find themselves in your future. Lots of decisions to me made in unison that will require a great deal of give and take from both you and your future spouse. One that is very important has already been made and it has been made unilaterally for you. You have had no input. It isn't going to improve. This woman needs to find a husband similar to the ones that the ladies who write in to this forum have, not someone who actually appreciates and needs intimacy. There is someone perfect for you out there. You haven't found her yet.

There are 156 stories in this Experience Group. Every one of them is SCREAMING at you to run like hell. What more do you need to know?

Jewell<br />
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I do not believe it is enough to "stick it out." My advice is to get out of the relationship now.. before marriage and children are involved added serious complexity to your situation.<br />
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If you are frustrated today... imagine how you will feel in 2032 "celebrating" your 25th anniversary and 22 years of celibacy. If you are using words today such as "stick it out", things will be much worse in 25 years.<br />
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You may not want to hear this, but you need to get out and find someone more in synch with your needs