I Miss the Intimacy

I'm 36 years old and I've been with my husband for 12 years.  For the first 6 months we had an active, healthy and FUN sex life.  And after I had our child, sex started to decline.  I know my husband didn't have a sex life with his previous wife, but I was under the impression that it was because he didn't love her and wanted out.  Year by year our sex life dissipated.  When we do have sex it is monotonous... the same every time... exactly.  I was upset because we went from once a week to once a month... then every few months, then rejections were often.  I cried, screamed, begged, avoided, tried not to pressure, etc, etc.  It's been almost 2 years since we had intercourse.  We kiss every day, but that's it.  He knows that it hurts me, he knows that I have a very healthy sex drive, and none of that matters.  It angers me that if I don't want to destroy my marriage and leave my best friend, I have to give up sex. 

I love this man.  We have the perfect marriage EXCEPT for the sexual aspect.  People often tell me how lucky I am... and when I look at relationships around me, in so many ways I am lucky. 

So where do I go from here?  I hate knowing that I'll never feel beautiful again.

sexyless sexyless
36-40
5 Responses Feb 8, 2009

hi sexyless - I'm a bit further on than you & blehh as I actually left my husband of 10 years after 9 years of no sex, intimacy, touching, cuddling, kissing, anything....<br />
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I miss him pretty much every day even though it's 4 months since I left - I had it all, a beautiful home, great holidays and he was my very best friend. And that was the problem, he was my best friend, not my husband.<br />
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He actually did see a specialist for 2 years to no avail, he had meds which he didn't want to take and so it was up to me to make the change in my life.<br />
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I'm 36 - hey, why only over 40's in this room matureboy, I missed having sex from 26 to 35 - wtf eh??!! <br />
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That aside, I am only 36 so why waste away becoming resentful and hating my best friend - now I look back on my marriage with very fond memories, I do wish there were more sex memories ;) <br />
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I would say that it won't get any better and only you can decide what you want from your life - I simply couldn't bear the thought of cheating on my husband for the rest of my life nor could I imagine never being held by him. The thought of both of those is enough to make me cry now.<br />
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Be strong and think hard about what you want from your life. I am so glad I made this change - yes, it means I have to get a second job, I live in an apartment rather than house and there's no chance of a 'proper' holiday this year however I have a chance to be loved completely and totally.

If I can help you let me know.

sexyless...I'm just stepping out of the very same situation. the perfect guy..if only he wanted to have sex with me. I did go outside our marriage for a year or so, the stress of all of it finally got to be too much. I'd spent 10 trying to make him happy just to get more miserable myself every year. <br />
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When I finally told him I was leaving, he said.. "I didn't understand I was hurting you" and I told him.. how much plainer could I say it than sex is NECESSARY to my health and well being? 9 out of 10 years of me telling him this and he never heard it...he didn't want to hear it.<br />
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Do what you can, do what you need to..then do what you must to save your own life...his happiness is not all that matters.

My relationship is not exactly like yours because my husband and I were both pretty high libido for many years, until our relationship got "derailed" . I don't know what is right for you, but I made a difficult decision to have a very very hard conversation with my husband. I told my husband I did not want to be "half-married" any more. I told him "you say you love me but this does not feel like love to me, I remember your love, and this isn't it" He said I was giving him an ultimatum. I said "no I'm not, if you loved me the way you say you do, it would not sound like an ultimatum it would sound to you like I am trying to fix our relationship" It was pretty liberating to realize that not all of the choices were going to be mine. He would have to make some choices too. It is the hardest thing in the world to "talk about" and not "fight about" but I told myself the purpose of the talk was not to fight or try to change him, the purpose was to get information about how he felt about the situation.

If you're beautiful you're beautiful and there are plenty of ways for you to get the verification you seek... <br />
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But if your own spouse does not crave you physically, they whole population of the opposite sex saying so won't mean a damn thing.<br />
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If your hubby won't go to counseling... then you're going to have to find a lover... find a man that wants you, and let him give you what you want and need.<br />
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Sorry you're in this horrible predicament with the rest of us. <br />
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It's not you, it's him.<br />
<br />
james