Recent Stories...

i've been interested by so many recent stories on here that have referred to something that i'm starting to feel as well, that is, the repulsion at the idea of sex with the longtime denier.  repulsion is a strong word, undoubtedly, but i think it is pretty accurate in this instance.  the problem is certainly not a physical distaste i have for her b/c she is beautiful.  however, that beauty has been for so long untouchable and unresponsive to my touch that it is almost like a painting -- inert, hanging on a wall in a museum where it's beauty is unattainable, untouchable, and tinged with the distance of melancholia.  now, psychologically, i'm just not interested anymore. 

we we're supposed to have sex last night, and found myself relieved that she was working late b/c i didn't want to tell her that i didn't want to.  emotionally and psychologically, i'm spent, and while i could no doubt physically be willing b/c i've never had  a problem (thankfully) in that area, the thought of it just brings pain and sadness to me.

my therapist has recommended antidepressants, but i don't want to take them b/c i don't want my sex drive to come back when i feel better.  blah, i thought that i was getting better.

lebowski28 lebowski28
26-30, M
14 Responses Feb 9, 2009

yeah, i've been totally honest with her in the past, but this path is well worn and it doesn't do any good to keep letting her know that pity sex once or twice a month doesn't really leave me feeling wanted. the problem is in the initiating. she actually enjoys sex, but getting to the sex is the problem. we will lay next to each other in bed 5 or 10 minutes before any kind of touching starts, and when it does, it's always me starting it -- too often it feels too close to rape for me to be comfortable and really fulfilled by the proceedings.<br />
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she thinks i'm looking for her to be a nympho, and that is not the case at all. i'd just like to see her show some interest -- it doesn't even to have to be authentic or sincere. if she wants to fake it at the start, then so be it -- fake it 'til you make it.

I don't know if anyone has suggested it yet, but have you been totally honest with her? I don't know if you're like me, but if I were to be in your position, I probably wouldn't say anything either. Not until she asked, anyways. Has she asked? Has she noticed? I don't know, I feel like a hypocrite telling you this, but I think you should just tell her how you feel...

i'm in therapy -- there is no way in hell, she'd ever go to therapy (it's not her thing). <br />
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the flame analogy is a good one. i think of it like a beautiful painting. appealing, but you know that you can't touch it and it's not coming to life for you. part of me is pleased that she knows what it is like.

Here is my take on the situation. I never stopped desiring my husband. I always and still do (even though we are separated) find him sexy and sexually appealing. With that said, however, being rejected over and over again causes the emotional and mental side of us to SHUT DOWN. What happens when the mind shuts down? The body follows. You look at the other person and still see their "beauty" but it's like a flame. It's beauty is captivating, but you won't touch it because it burns.<br />
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It becomes a viscious cycle unfortunately. L: are you guys in any counseling or therapy?

i turned her down for the first time last night. she was pretty hurt and pissed off about it. of course, i felt awful and grovelled with apologetics. i tried telling her it is the depression and that i haven't really felt wanted lately, which was having an adverse effect on me. the strange thing is, she said that it made her feel unwanted and that she would probably lack confidence in "initiating" in the future -- what she calls initiating and what i call initiating are two different things (for her it is willing to have sex and mentioning it, but for me it means actually making the person feel like you want to, not just surrendering). part of me felt justified in her lack of confidence b/c it is what i felt for so long, but i don't think she made the extension. <br />
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i'm afraid now that last night's decision may have major reverberations in our relationship, and while i'm not happy with our sex life, i really do love her as a partner. god, this is so screwed up.

I'm feeling you brother. Once you start to feel the contempt ,you feel like a hypocrite when she finally is willing to perform her 13 minute, boring , missionary task.<br />
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But when it finally happens, I'll be weak and lie and tell her I love her. HA

Most antidepressants decrease libido more that increase them any-way.<br />
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If you’re depressed it doesn’t make sense to not to be treated in what seems the best way for you.

artteacher, talking has been part of the problem. it just leads to the same place. i love her too much to hurt her, and don't like myself enough to take care of me. so, nothing much is going to change, i suppose.

That is very sad. For both of you.<br />
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Towards the end of my marriage I did not want to make love to my husband. He used to say I was frigid but the truth is I just didn't love or fancy him any more.<br />
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When I met someone else it was very different.<br />
He is now very happy with someone else.<br />
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You need to talk about your problem together so that you can either resolve it or move on.<br />
I hope you are able to solve your problem.

Emotions are the most difficult feelings to put into words.<br><br />
With rejection comes insecurity and before long, the sensual feelings that were exploding in our veins becomes a problem in itself because of being rejected time after time. <br><br />
Somedays I curse my sex drive and then I come to my senses and realize it is better to have these feelings than never experience them again. They are a part of me that I won't deny. When our spouses don't feel the urges we feel, we are rejected. When they want sex we can chose to give them the same feeling of rejection, illustrating how badly we felt and make them feel the same pain. <br><br />
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This is not a game ... this is our reality ... I don't know the answers, just responding based upon my years of rejection by my husband.

... and its not like I was doing it to get back at her or so that she knows what iy feels like to be denied a little bit of intimacy. I did it because there was... nothing!!! I felt nothing! as sad as that sounds :-( its the truth!!!

Funny isn't it...they figure because we asked and asked that we'd never say no..and then all we can do is say no because that's the way it's been for so long.. ugh, vicious circle.

Funny how our deniers end up turning us into deniers at the end of the day too huh??? I know exactly what you mean!<br />
This morning, after about a 4 month drought, my wife started throwing a few signals my way! I was so shocked that I couldn't get out of that situation soon enough! This time I made up some silly excuse that I need to get to mechanic for something stupid! Told her that I wasnt too sure how long I was gna be too! Got into my project car and sped off! Spent a few hours at a buddy's place then went home to find her sleeping. I quietly showered; got dressed and left for work.<br />
I don't know if it was out of fear of being rejected halfway through foreplay again or if I have just lost interest in having sex with her all together now!?!?!?!?!?... I look at my wife and see a beautiful and sexy woman but I don't think that my desire to have sex with her is still there!<br />
I wish they would realize just how deep these scars actually do run!!!

Funny how our deniers end up turning us into deniers at the end of the day too huh??? I know exactly what you mean!<br />
This morning, after about a 4 month drought, my wife started throwing a few signals my way! I was so shocked that I couldn't get out of that situation soon enough! This time I made up some silly excuse that I need to get to mechanic for something stupid! Told her that I wasnt too sure how long I was gna be too! Got into my project car and sped off! Spent a few hours at a buddy's place then went home to find her sleeping. I quietly showered; got dressed and left for work.<br />
I don't know if it was out of fear of being rejected halfway through foreplay again or if I have just lost interest in having sex with her all together now!?!?!?!?!?... I look at my wife and see a beautiful and sexy woman but I don't think that my desire to have sex with her is still there!<br />
I wish they would realize just how deep these scars actually do run!!!