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Purgatory

Although I have been on this forum for a very short while I have come to realize from the many heartfelt tales of sexual privation that we all seem to be  existing in a purgatory of sorts. Of course not in the biblical parlance of heaven and hell but rather a place of compromise, frustation, despair and an over whelming sense of ennui. A place to be sure  is just as horrid.

All of us dream of a better way out of  this self created purgatory but because of the fear of the unknown or a complacency drilled into us all over the years few try to take a chance. Our disappointments in our relationships act as an anchor and drag us down.

We all claim to stay because of children, unrequited love of the partner, societal pressures or financial considerations. All of these may be vaid but as the years pass and nothing really changes suddenly time and aging will take away every opportunity to escape. This is why we all must make those tough decisions and this forum may give us the impetus to do so.

We group together here in hopes to gain  solace in our individual issues. Also, in happier moments to applaud those who have taken some action to escape. 

It is my frevent hope that all here will collectively be  able to act to achieve that measure of happiness in their relationaships which has thus far eluded them.

 

 

zorbas zorbas 56-60, M 19 Responses Feb 9, 2009

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Do you still stuck in that situation? I do! That explains my other comment you responded on. ;)
I found a release here on ep. A poor one but still...

Thanks for your honest insight on our common plight; male and female. <br />
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For me, there is also another ingredient that made it an acceptable choice for me to stay in my relationship when I did.<br />
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I have felt, and unfortunately still feel, that there was (is) probably no one I can hook up with on any intimate or sexual level. My wife was my first and only date at age 17 and since that time I can honestly say I have NEVER perceived of ANY WOMAN (or even a man even though I am not attracted that way) that had any interest in having a personal or in anyway physically intimate relationship with me. I have made overtures to many women and tried (rather pathetically it seems) to be available or unfaithful and have received rejection from all of the women envolved OR the women turned out to be horribly mental and/or untrustworthy. I worked around women all the time as a male nurse/nurse practitioner. You'd think I'd have hooked up with someone sometime!<br />
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So I think that another factor in my case as to why I'm in this group (besides the kids, the nice inlaws, the cooking/cleaning workload sharing, and the lack of actual real loathing of your partner that is necessary to sustain you through a divorce), I just haven't seen any greener pastures...... ever. I live in a desert filled only with mirages. <br />
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Yea I know it must be largely my fault too but tragically I can't figure out why it all goes wrong. Please don't give me any of the Bull S*** of "Just be yourself and it will all work out fine". That has ALWAYS been a recipe for disaster for me. <br />
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Is there some other place where you can post all the horrible rejections I've gotten from women in my life? I'm sure they are so stupid or pathetic that they have to be comical.

These posts are amazing--Warwick--you said it best! I gave up control many years ago--and now have taken it back and thus ANEWME has developed--well she's the original me but now knows what she wants, needs, desires--and she's going for it!

Meggi51.............You point is well taken and if I appeared insensitive in my narrative by not not refering to physical ailments, I apologize. <br />
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I personally do not belive that it is purgatory to live with a partner whose health has diminished. This narrative was relating only to those whose health unimpaired chose to deny sex to one another. That is the form of puragtory I was referring to.

I wish I could have written such a true and raw comment . With such an honest statement its as if you have to look inside at yourself, if you don;t take that look. Your cheating yourself. cause if we don't take the time, we lose, cause time is all we really have, and some have less then others and all of us don't know when time is going to be up.

I wish I could have written such a true and raw comment . With such an honest statement its as if you have to look inside at yourself, if you don;t take that look. Your cheating yourself. cause if we don't take the time, we lose, cause time is all we really have, and some have less then others and all of us don't know when time is going to be up.

Much of what has been said here rings true.<br />
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However, I must take issue with the concept that we all have a choice when it comes to being intimate with our partner.<br />
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My husband & I used to have an active and very imaginative sex life.<br />
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I now have a spinal disorder that me such constant pain that I can't walk more than 60 metres, can't sit or stand without suffering agony. <br />
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Sex is out of the question, because there isn't a position known that doesn't cause me pain.<br />
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You can WANT something all you like, but it may not be possible.

It is so correct and to the point to say that Fear Is the Enemy. We allow it to dominate so much of what we hold true and what we accept as our reality. Getting down to the point of saying that the fear we experience is irrational as most fears are is the most complex part. We then come up with the concept that we can change and do different but vacillation sets in and we began to waiver and our strength subsides. It is because we gave in, in the first place, that we are in the bind, feeling the fear, and loosing the battle with ourselves. We for whatever reason did not set our own healthy boundaries and allow their boundaries to control and minipulate us. Over the years of believing that change was constantly on the horizon we loosened our grip on our own lines that we drew in the sand, and they constantly erased ours and drew knew ones that backed us further and further in the corner. The real person inside of us, just continued to fade further and further out of view and we became the one that we are unable to recognize daily in the mirror. Time also plays a tremendous role in this because as time elapses it is easier to loose track of what we truly want and need, and we are more able to accept the complacent traits that we hate. Fighting, begging, pleading, getting angry, loosing sleep, just become the reality here, and although they are aware, certainly it is not a big deal, because their needs are being met, they are the ones that are fullfilled by our emptyness. Almost like leaches they suck the very heart out of us by asking us to live in their reality and their world verses one that we should share with each other. It is corrupt and it is plain horrible. Still to date my wife holds hostage the anniversary card she was to give me back in January. She has not mentioned going to dinner and celebrating as she promised back then. I refuse to ask anymore, and as for V-Day forget it, I am not going there. This thread has certainly provided words to think about in hopes that we can alter the reality that we are currently living in. We need to face the biggest fear that we have about leaving or changing this mess, and make it smaller than anything else we face, and then take out each and every one of those fears one by one. We need to make this smaller so we can deal with it, and not go after the whole!

Dear Zorbas: I understand and agree with your words of wisdom. When I finally left, I remember telling my husband "I wish I had the b**ls to leave your A$$ years ago, maybe we wouldn't be here today". But unfortunately I did not.<br />
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We all have our reasons and weaknesses. I only hope those that are young and are experiencing this situation will not allow it to go on for years and years to come. I gave up so much of my adult years to waiting for things to "get better". <br />
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Leaving is not always the answer, but may I say that in some cases, it wakes the other person up. So while it's our fear that keeps us stuck, making that move can actually be the driving force to bring your marriage back together. Like I said, maybe if I had left years ago, things would be different today.

I,ve posted my story "Recognise Reality" a few days ago, so there's no point in rehashing it here, other than to say by redefining my role in the dynamic I have reached a stage where this issues importance in my life is in perspective... at this time.<br />
None the less, should a circumstance arise where I got involved with a person and a bond developed involving shared values, sex etc, I'd be out of my situation in very short order indeed. The "Financial Partnership" would be wound up, distributed and the two parties would be moving on.<br />
Maybe I'm wierd, but the pursuit of such a relationship is not something I am overly interested in. Its one of those things. If it happened, great. I do not "persue" such a relationship now, I can't see why I would if I were free of my present situation either. I might be more inclined to put myself out there a lot more, but "searching for a relationship" is not, and has not, been a high priority for me. A bit of casual sex keeps one going, and should something develop, great. I tend to think that good relationships (inc sex) are nurtured rather than persued. Given my personality, I think me "persuing" a relationship would lead me to make a poor, hurried choice. Let it happen, if its meant to. As I say, maybe I'm weird.

Hi Baz! Just found this today!! well, it seemed the fates had something in mind for you (and me!) . . . . .

Zorbas, you speak volumes to my sensible (that little logical part of me).<br />
But you somehow fail to convince my heart.<br />
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It's not as easy as just wishing it done.<br />
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And each story has its own hang ups.<br />
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Some of us just want support through those long dry spells... not lectures, and vicarious decision making.<br />
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Still, your sentiment is warming in its own way.<br />
Cm

As always. Zorbas inspires thoughtful consideration of our own positions.<br />
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I acknowledge that I have become zealous about the younger members of this forum making choices that do not lead to the outcome I (and many others) have experienced.<br />
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Of course these decisions must be made by the people involved, but I find myself anxiously hoping that women and men in their twenties and thirties will not allow the years to pass (as I and many others have done) and end up facing old age in a sexless marriage.<br />
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"Hope springs eternal" but in the case of sexless marriages, it would be more useful to be pragmatic!!

Very interesting, this story speaks volumes about who you are, thanks for sharing.

Warwick..<br />
Everything you said here is right on target. By acquiescing over the years excessively to their demands and their needs we have created a pliable, weakened image of ourselves . This, that subconsciously diminishes us as men in their views. I wish to say this is not true in all cases.<br />
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However, it is a common occurence in many failed marriages when the dynamics shift away from a paternal image to that of a matriarchal position. As a result sex is oft times the victim of the piece..

Winston1144.... I do wish you well in this and I do hope that what is said here does not motivate you to move too quickly. On the other hand, what is the proper time to change a life.<br />
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I fortunately had many opportunities for numerous affairs, some long and some short over the years which helped quell the pangs of loneliness and sexual privation in a mismatched marriage.<br />
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Now in early retirement, I am faced again with the purgatory I had escaped years ago, but at least I have golden memories of having done what was necessary to survive.<br />
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Think and do wisely , my friend, and we are here with your in spirit every step you take.<br />
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take care and be well.

I have not read so much honesty and wisdom anywhere else before. Fear is what seems to be holding me back. Fear that I will hurt her and fear of living alone at my age. Today however I have decided to take the first step in dealing with that fear. The dreaded Valentines day is near and I don't want to pretend that there is anything more in our relationship than what is there.<br />
I will not do Valentines Day. I will try to talk to her about our marriage of convenience. That is all it is at this point. This may be my first stepping stone out of this situation. Wish me luck and courage. Fear has held me back way too long.

Zorbas,<br />
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Well said.<br />
<br />
I think that there is a common thing that seems to link us is that we have all been too kind and too understanding and too sympathetic to our partners for too long.<br />
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We gave them all the control in the relationship, more and more say over time and space e.t.c for sex, which gets less and less frequent.<br />
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By putting our needs aside and giving into our partners we become less attractive and desirable. (i.e the perceive us more like a needy toddler than a equal partner).<br />
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Why do we stay? Often for the same reason that we didn't voice our needs more firmly before the corrosive dynamics in the relationship took hold. Fear.<br />
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It is a hard thing to stand up to your partner and say that you can't keep living with them when they show such an indifference to your needs and anguish.<br />
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Hanging on in quiet desperation is a life of purgatory. It up to us to decide not to continue to live like that. <br />
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It is up to us to make change, and our partners then can chose if they want to come along for the ride or not

reflections 3....The word you used, superficial is what all our lives have become. <br />
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In lives without sex and the intimacy it creates we quietlyy pass one another during the day and nights carefully moving about for fear oof really lettng our frustrations slip out. <br />
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It is in another parlance, simply a Mexican Standoff, where no one wins and no one losses, just exists.

YOU ARE SO CORRECT in your posting. <br><br />
I am struggling to understand my own reactions to my sexless marriage after a big fight with my husband on Friday night.<br><br />
I insisted on talking it out with him, and got deafening SILENCE. I left and went to my daughter's house and came back yesterday... he acted like nothing happen and it was so eriee.... and was strangely clearer to me how superficial our lives had become.<br><br />
I did speak with him but not to anybody's satisfaction nor did I receive an apology for something he said to me that was degrading when i tried to get sexy with him on Friday night.<br><br />
I would love to get out of this purgatory ...and appreciate the success postings, that shows there is life after this. We all have our situations and concerns, and share a common thread. Together we can strive to understand as much as we can to come to the healthy side of life.<br><br />
Blessings