I Know Why It's a Sexless Marriage

Prior to 2001, I felt it was my fault that my husband wasn't interested in sex. I kept hearing the usual comments....I'm tired, my back hurts or I don't have time.  In 2001, we got our first PC and after a few months of him acting like he was cheating me (exiting IM's or signing off every time I came into the room) I snuck  behind him and watched as was IMing a man and talking about gay sex.  Those first few years were the worst.  I felt every emotion that you feel with a death of a loved one.  After all, I felt strongly that he was my soul mate.

My children were 7 and 10 at the time and the oldest had/has mental illness.  I knew I couldn't raise them on my own and that providing a stable environment was VIP so I tried to give him what a man could, I arraigned a 3some and also gave him permission to find a mate for occasional trysts, provided condoms were used.  We also experimented many ways, but, I was kidding myself, as I soon found out that that he met with dozens of one nighters and never used protection.  The worst is that he won't admit that he is bisexual and his lying and deception.  It's been 4 and a half years without sex.  I am biding my time, one more year and my youngest will be in high school. Then it's so long to him.

BamaMomma BamaMomma
46-50, F
8 Responses Feb 10, 2009

First of all....Thanks to all of you folks! I found this site when looking for support for teens with Asperger's. <br />
For years I searched for support groups to attend but never found one. Same with online searches. BTW, we both have been tested and I stopped asking him to keep getting tested when I stopped having sex with him.<br />
And, lebowski28, good question asked. Yes, I was able to have sex with other men. I grew tired of it as I prefer to have the emotional attachment and love/like of a man. And the other reason why it's taken me so long to get on with my new life is that I've been dealing with several health issues for 10 years as well as PTSD from being beaten up at work. Needless to say, I have some trust issues with men but I don't let it hold me back.<br />
Again, thanks for the positive comments, it sure helped.

Once again, Zorbas puts it right. <br />
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the first poster is a selfish youngster with little life experience, has no empathy, and has yet to be in a position of real need, trauma, or otherwise run over by life. When it hits her, it will hit her hard.<br />
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That said, I believe you have done all that can be expected. The 3some was an amazing gift. Who could ever go so far with their SO without creating a triangle of misery.<br />
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Anyway I hope you find solace talking here. %99.99 will have nothing but sincere hope that you see better days.

With respect to the first poster here, we must remember that she has every right to her opinion, However, that being said, her opinions carry no weight or the validity that only life's experience can give. She is an immature self serving individual , whose comments in anonymity, are both intrusive and lack substance. She is as bothersome as a gnat is to an elephant.<br />
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Bamamama.... As others before me have aptly said you have done more than humanly possible to satisfy your husband's whims. I can't think how much more could he expect from you. The fact that he may have gay lovers and has not protected you and himself from the possibility of contracting a disease may make his abstaining a blessing in disguise.<br />
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I think that you do have a plan of escape in the works and an action in a short while will be implemented. <br />
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Good for you, bear up a little lomger and shed this sorry animal and go on with your life. <br />
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This with the kniowledge that no one could have done more to work at this marriage .

I am not sure if EP has moderators at this time, but most forums of this type and this size have them and it would be a great help for this one to. You are right palm29grl is very crass and uses her post as some type of side show. In this forum she has no clue and has never gotten the point from the start. Sorry for her introduction to your story. As the writer of the story Bama you can delete her comment. With that said.....<BR><BR>Your situation is complex and so very hurtful, it is an example of a person that was given a chance to make good and to experiment with fantasy, with boundaries and limitation in place that he chose to neglect. The big concerns are if he is HIV positive based on all the many times he has had unprotected sex. Then he comes home to you and has sex with you minimally, putting you at risk. I would say that you might want to get a test for yourself, if you have not done so already. I also applaud you for stinking in there as long as you have. It is amazing what we are willing to put up with, how long we are willing to put up with it, and so on for our family and children. We take a great deal of abuse from our SO in order to provide safety and so on for our kids, and we accept a hell of a lot of s*h*i*t in the process. No one can say you did not try, and personally I take out my rag and shine your star. Soon the day will arrive that you no longer have to live like this, and maybe not to say always, but your kids will be the better for it. That is not always the case, but it seems like you have a plan. So take care of you, and then stick to your plan. I wish you happiness in the very near future because you certainly deserve it for doing what you do!

My heart breaks for you. You have gone well beyond the call of duty. I wouldn't wait another second. I would set the wheels in motion. Start talking to a lawyer. I understand you want to preserve your children from any of this, but some day, they will learn on their own what he is and what he has done.<br />
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People just are what they are. We only wish they would be honest. That's the part that hurts. May you find happiness and some serenity in all this pain.<br />
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Hugs

is there a moderator here that could take care of the problem that we seem to be having? <br />
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i'm sorry to hear about your situation. the financial reason puts you in a tough position. it's grossly irresponsible of your husband to sleep around without protection, and if you did not want to be him for that reason, then that is probably a smart decision.<br />
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if you gave him the lee way to be with other people, do you have the same option? it's not ideal, but it could be a way to cope until you can be more independent.

definitely ignore the first poster..the rest of us try to...you definitely went far beyond the call of duty.. good luck, you certainly deserve better, I don't know why you are waiting so long, but when you are ready I'm sure you'll do fine.

Please ignore the insensitive poster before me. She makes a habit of being crass and seems to think she's funny or clever . . . . ???<br />
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Your situation is tragic and you have done far more than most would EVER agree to in order to preserve your relationship.<br />
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Sadly your husband did not reciprocate and has abused your trust.<br />
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I wish you every success in "hanging in there" until you deem it the right time to leave. And then I wish you every success in your future. Please don't allow yourself to become embittered - you deserve true happiness and I'm sure you will find it.