I Live In An Almost Sexless Marriage

I'm close to leaving after 9 years married, 14 together. He no longer initiates sex unless he's wired and he does nothing to make me feel like his wife. As an example, no Christmas presents, no birthday presents/dinners, no valentines (although last year he did send me an e-mail).  In the past, I would still do these things for him but have stopped. It's not the material aspect but the acknowledgement that he values me and wants to make me feel special. We used to have a lot of fun together but it's become nothing but stale. His family is the priority, demonstrated many times. We're in our mid-40's and he's afraid to be alone, I'm not. I do believe he cheated as well 5 years ago and am pretty sure who it was with although I can't prove it. Am I wrong??

Motis09 Motis09
41-45
4 Responses Feb 10, 2009

I am forced to agree with Kungfuchic on this. While gifts at the appropriate times are nice as gestures of affection they are not the total measure of it either. Apparently, it is the daily disregard of your feelings that prompted you to this forum.<br />
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You mention that his priority now is solely dedicated to his family. I will assume for the moment that you are referring to your inlaws rather than your children, if any. <br />
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The former is a strong indication of a compltete distain for you the latter of course, could be construed as he being a good father.<br />
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Since we are not privy to this information I will go wilh the in-laws and with that thought in mind can readily sympathize with you on this.<br />
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He does sound from your description a rather calloused lout who has little regard for your sensitivities. You should seriously contemplate a way out before it deteriorates even further.<br />
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I wish you all the best on this as all here do.

Sounds to me like he has officially checked out. If freedom is what he wants, offer it to him. But don't let him keep being a taker in the relationship. You are still young. Find someone that will love and cherish you as a person, a friend a lover.<br />
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Best wishes to you.

I feel that the snow ball starts and picks up reactions after actions. It becomes a mess and who is to blame. A number of responses in this site, say it takes two to fix it.<br />
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How do you stop the pattern? How do you keep it from getting worse? How do you both get engaged in the solution?<br />
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This is the hard part. Alot of responses have people withdraw to "protect" themselves. But it does not help the relationship, it may protect the individual. Each relationship is unique and which one's can be fixed or not depends on the willingness of both parties to change.<br />
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Good Luck

if he cheated on you, and is not fulfilling your needs after the fact, then you are more than justified in leaving. the strange thing that i think is common to the majority of us is the belief that we are the ones responsible for keeping the relationship going. in part this is a result of the being the ones that do the taking care of in the relationship, and so often we are not taken care of in the ways we need to be. this puts a tremendous burden on all of us b/c it allows our partners to be lazy in the relationship. when things start going south then, when we no longer have the energy to put into it, then we feel like the responsible party b/c we've been doing the heavy lifting but simply can't handle the weight any longer. <br />
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if you feel strong enough to end it, then i'm inclined to believe that in many of these situations that is the best decision one can make.