Still a Work In Progress

I started on this website over a year ago. I had been in a sexless marriage for over three years and was having an affair. Since then, my husband has been taking hormone replacement and we went through marriage therapy. We have stayed together and are working on making our marriage stronger and more intimate. It took an awful lot to get where we are right now. Even though we are no longer a sexless couple we still have challenges. I find that we still go through months at a time without intimacy. It gets to a point where the fear starts creeping in and the worry that things will go back to the way it was starts to monopolize my thoughts. The sex is good. Not great. Mostly satisfying but also disappointing too. I try not to make him feel bad but I think he can tell when I am frustrated. He still struggles with erectile dysfunction and most of the time he's finishing before I even get started. He does want to please me but sometimes I have my heart set on hot sweaty sex and I get 5 minutes. I love him more than anything but find that I fantasize a lot and feel guilty for it. I guess what I'm saying is, going from a sexless couple to a non-sexless couple is not that easy. There is a lot of grey area in between. I probably do not fit in with this group anymore since I do have sex once and a while but still feel like the other half of a sexless couple.

emptyheart emptyheart
41-45, F
4 Responses Feb 10, 2009

Emptyheart:<br />
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I think you're in the right place too. I just joined the website the other night and I'm in a similar situation, the affair, loving a well-intentioned spouse.<br />
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Does he know about the affair? Kind of? When he senses disappointment, that there's no hot, sweaty sex, does he think you've changed? Are you still in contact with the other man? <br />
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I can relate to the fantasizing, the guilt, crossing the line, wondering what she knows. Have you tried these books by Mira Kirshenbaum: When Good People Have Affairs as well as Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay?<br />
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Just when I think we're making progress, I'll be running and I hear Matt Nathanson's Come On Get Higher and . . .<br />
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Thanks for sharing your story.

You belong in this group as much as I do. I no longer live in a sexless marriage, but only because I learned lessons in my first sexless marriage and applied them to my current one. Yours is a hopeful experience that shows that sexless marriages can be repaired, even if the result is a difficult compromise. I salute you and welcome you.

Dear Empty: Of course you are welcome here. We need people like you. Share the pain here, but also share the successes. They count too.<br />
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Wishing you well.

You are always welcome with this group. The very fact that you have made some improvement in youir married life gives us a feeling of encourangment in changing ours as well. <br />
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Your husband seems to be trying and in that you are luckier than most. I would suggest that you carefully approach him on whatever inadequecies you are experince in sex for fear of creating a loss of confidence. Suggest more foreplay, that always seems to work.